HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE NIGHT OF THE STRANGLER (1972) ** ½

College student Denise (Susan McCullough) returns home to the south to tell her family she is leaving school to marry a black man.  Denise’s younger brother Vance (Micky Dolenz from The Monkees) is supportive, but her older brother Dan (James Ralston) is a full-blown racist, so he smacks her around.  The next day, Denise’s boyfriend is murdered by a sniper, and she is later drowned in her bathtub by a black gloved killer, who makes her death look like a suicide.  Meanwhile, a young black priest (Chuck Patterson) reaches out to the brothers to offer his condolences.  More people close to the family wind up dead, and a pair of perplexed cops are left trying to make sense of it all.

Directed by Joy N. (Night of Bloody Terror) Houck, The Night of the Strangler is surprisingly progressive and modern for a movie from 1972.  It has more on its mind than just being another whodunit, even if the execution is a bit clunky at times.  Houck tries to juggle the various plotlines, which involve multiple killers and (too many) supporting characters with inconsistent results.  It’s not completely successful, but the murder scenes have a moderate amount of kick to them (there’s a neat bit involving a booby-trapped glove compartment), and the twist ending is effective.  

Oh, and nobody gets strangled, so there’s that.  

Another debit is that some of the dramatic scenes veer into heavily into camp.  Ralston especially goes overboard as the sniveling racist brother.  Dolenz on the other hand fares well in a rare dramatic role and makes a memorable impression as the sensitive brother.

Dolenz also gets the best line on his brother’s wedding day when he says, “Beauty and the bigot!”

AKA:  Dirty Dan’s Women.  AKA:  Is the Father Black Enough?  AKA:  The Ace of Spades.

THE BLUE HOUR (1971) **

Tania (Ann Chapman) is unable to get it on with her boyfriend on the beach.  He tries to understand where her head’s at and she relates to him her entire sexual history.  She works as an artist’s model, gets accosted by her horny Greek uncle, attacked by bikers, and used by just about anyone who comes in contact with her.  The longest flashback recalls her teenage years living with her mother on a small island where her mating prospects are slim to none.  (“There’s nothing on this island but goats and old men!”)  That all changes when a young priest catches her eye, but like all her conquests, it too will end in tragedy.

The Blue Hour is a slow moving, sometimes dull affair.  It’s short on exploitation goods and long on amateurish artsy-fartsy aspirations.  The fractured narrative, which consists of lots of flashbacks within flashbacks, is frustrating, and the film hems and haws way too much to be considered effective.  The rapid-fire, ADD editing is probably the worst part, although the long, drawn-out scenes where nothing happens (like the endless belly dancing scene) don’t help either.  

This is more of a psychological profile of a damaged woman with a fragile psyche than an honest to goodness skin flick. If the director’s intent was depressing us instead of titillating us, then mission accomplished.  Still, if you are patient, you’ll be treated to a decent third act where Chapman has an excellent solo girl scene on a bed and bangs the priest on the beach. It doesn’t save the movie or anything, but at least we’re treated to an OK amount of skin.  It’s just a helluva long wait. 

Chapman is quite good and looks rather incredible naked.  Too bad she’s rarely given a chance to display either of her talents.  It’s a shame she didn’t have much of a career because there’s enough evidence here to suggest she could’ve been a minor exploitation star.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: HOBGOBLINS 2 (2009) *

Rick Sloane returns with a Hobgoblins sequel no one asked for, and thirty-one years too late at that.  It was his first film in eleven years after Vice Academy 6.  According to IMDB, he hasn’t made a movie since, which I’m sure is best for everyone.

A bunch of forty-year-old looking teenage college students go on a field trip to a mental institution.  After their visit, a disbelieving doctor unleashes the evil Hobgoblins upon the hospital.  The teens go home for a movie night and the hobgoblins soon show up to feed on their fears.

Most of the jokes are complete groaners, or worse, don’t elicit any response at all.  The only sight gag I laughed at was when one of the girls holds a textbook that says, “Really Abnormal Psychology”.  There are a couple of callbacks to the original, like the fight with garden tools, but they don’t really add anything to the film.

The worst sin this painful sequel commits is that it’s just boring.  As bad as the original Hobgoblins was, there was a goofiness about it that made it at least semi-tolerable.  Whenever things get too dull, someone will say “Hobgoblins” three times and get attacked by a hand puppet.  Or, should I say, awkwardly hold a hand puppet to their chest and pretend to be attacked.  It’s that kind of movie.

Even though Hobgoblins 2 was made in ’09, the grimy cinematography makes it look like it came out of the ‘80s.  Because of that, it feels like a natural continuation of the original (even if the mythology of the creatures is totally different).  That’s about the best compliment I can give it.

The best part though is seeing glimpses of Sloane’s old fake movie trailers like Chainsaw Chicks, Amputee Hookers, and Nightmare of the Lost Whores.  Unfortunately, you’ve got to wait until the end credits to see most of them.  Say what you will about Sloane, but at least he was making these faux trailers decades before Grindhouse made it fashionable.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: APOSTLE (2018) ** ½

Dan Stevens sets out to rescue his sister from a religious cult who live on a remote island in the early days of the 20^th century.  A chance (and potentially deadly) run-in with the leader Malcolm (Michael Sheen) sort of grants him an immunity to go around the island unsupervised.  His rescue mission is eventually compromised when one of Malcolm’s lieutenants (Mark Lewis Jones) stages an uprising.

Apostle comes to us from Gareth Evans, the director of The Raid.  I wish I could say it does for horror movies what The Raid did for Kung Fu action, but that is sadly not the case.  It has his fingerprints all over it and as a fan of Evans’ work, I can honestly say I’m glad I saw it. 

Many have compared it to The Wicker Man.  That’s certainly an apt description, but Apostle has its own unique energy.  It’s closer in spirit to Evans’ short from V/H/S/2 as they’re both about religious cults.  In the end, he veers into some serious Mark of the Devil territory as people are hoisted upon a series of torture devices and ground up into gory, gruesome gristle.  This justifies some of the longwinded build-up, although for such a slow burn, the movie really needed a little more sizzle in its finale.

Like most of Evans’ work, Apostle moves at a deliberate pace.  This is one of the rare times where his approach is a little too deliberate for its own good because you really start to feel the length.  The middle section particularly dawdles.  Once you learn the secret of the cult and the island itself, it works up to a certain point, but stops just short of being satisfying.  We do get at least one scene where he shows his Raid roots with Stevens showcasing a smidgeon of Kung Fu flair.

Stevens is excellent.  If anyone of lesser talent was in the lead, the movie would’ve gone off the rails much sooner.  Lucy (Bohemian Rhapsody) Boynton lends fine support as Malcolm’s skeptical daughter.  Sheen is a lot of fun too.  If you saw his scenery chewing performance in Tron:  Legacy, you know a cult leader loony is well within his wheelhouse.  All three leads do a great job, but in the end, it’s not quite enough to push this one into the win column.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 3D (2006) * ½

Night of the Living Dead is in the public domain, so virtually anyone can remake it and not have to pay any royalties to George Romero’s estate.  However, just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.  I mean Romero and Tom Savani even tried to remake it in 1990 and look how that turned out.

This remake starts with same bickering siblings going to a cemetery, but it becomes very different very quickly.  Instead of being immediately killed, Johnny (Ken Ward) basically ditches Barbara (Brianna Brown), Ben (Joshua DesRoches) is white, and Harry (Greg Travis) is now a pot farmer.  Also, it seems that the zombie outbreak is a local phenomenon, which lessens the impact of worldwide impending doom.  What the fuck?  

I guess making Ben white is the biggest problem.  Instead of making social commentary like Romero did, director Jeff Broadstreet opts to make another stupid zombie movie.  The updating of the classic moments from the original are also weak.  In this version, Johnny delivers his famous “They’re coming to get you Barbara” line via a text message.  I’m not making this up.  There are even moments that crib from Return of the Living Dead and some of the make-up look like zombies from that film.

I didn’t see this in its intended 3D format, but it didn’t look to me like much popped out of the screen.  All I can remember is a joint, a bullet, a shovel, and a few hands.  That’s not nearly enough to really justify the 3D if you ask me.

It’s not all bad though.  I liked the opening, which starts with the beginning of the original film before the camera pulls back to reveal it’s just playing on a television set.  The addition of Sid Haig as an ornery mortician is one of the few treats.  He skates by on his persona alone as he seems more annoyed that the dead are coming back to life than anything.  Some of his dialogue is good for a laugh too.  

The other bright spot is Cristen Michelle.  She plays a horny babe who gets caught having sex in a barn by the zombies and is attacked in the nude.  Her extended nude scene is reminiscent of the one by Betsy Rue in the My Bloody Valentine remake and is by far the best thing in the film.  

A handful of memorable moments aside, Night of the Living Dead 3D completely falls apart in the end.  The change of the original’s ending is downright infuriating, although admittedly this ending isn’t nearly as bad as Savani’s version.  Heck, Michelle’s nude scene alone gives this one the edge over that flick any day.

AKA:  House of the Dead 3D.  AKA:  Night of the Living Dead 2007.  AKA:  Zombie 3D.  

DEAD OR ALIVE (2001) **

Takashi Miike’s Dead or Alive begins with an orgy of violence, fast-cutting editing, and off the wall imagery.  Most directors could take an idea like two guys having sex in a public bathroom until one of them has their throat cut and sprays blood all over the other one in a suggestive manner and make a whole scene about it.  Miike is so amped-up that this bit is just a random slice of side business in a larger piece of rapid-fire mayhem.

After a wild set-up, things become a bit more conventional.  A plot emerges about a ruthless yakuza gang violently staging a coup and waging a war on the old-timey traditional bosses.  Meanwhile, an honest cop tries to track them down and make sense of all the carnage.

Dead or Alive is only about a hundred minutes long, but it’s often a tough slog.  Despite that, there are moments of sheer insanity peppered throughout the flick that will make jaded exploitation movie vets sit up and take notice.  The opening alone is almost worth the price of admission.

Unfortunately, once it settles down, Dead or Alive turns into an interminable bore, alternating between long, slow-moving scenes where nothing much happens to perverse outbursts of disgustingness.  These punctuations certainly grab your attention.  If only you gave a shit about the stuff that occurred in between them.

Speaking of giving shits, there is a scene involving a hooker being drowned in her own enema excess in a kiddie pool that must be seen to be believed.  It’s that kind of movie.  The bad news is for every deranged snippet like this, you’ve got to sit through A LOT of dull yakuza drama.

AKA:  D.O.A.  

KILLER FISH (1979) * ½

An all-star cast flounder alongside killer piranha in this mishmash of Jaws rip-off and heist movie from Italian schlockmeister Antonio (Cannibal Apocalypse) Margheriti.  You would think an exploitation flick about man-eating fish attacking the likes of Lee Majors, Karen Black, and James Franciscus would be a sure thing.  Too bad the whole thing is so damned toothless.   

Franciscus masterminds an elaborate jewel heist in a beachside resort in Brazil.  While Majors, Black, and the rest of the crew are risking their lives for the diamonds, Franciscus is living it up back at the hotel playing backgammon.  Franciscus plans to cover his tracks by hiding the loot near a school of hungry piranha.  Naturally, Lee and Karen become living bait as the double and triple crosses begin to pile up. 

The cast mostly wasted.  Franciscus acts more snotty than menacing, and Black looks like she’s barely there.  We are also subjected to a thoroughly worthless subplot where Majors tries to woo a raspy-voiced model, played by Margaux Hemmingway.  

The stuff with the jewel thieves is pretty dull and all the backstabbing among the crew is predictable.  In fact, the piranha attacks are the only thing worth a damn.  In addition to scenes of the killer fish swarming around character actors and nipping at their heels, there’s a gnarly scene where the scuba-diving Black stumbles upon a couple of chewed up corpses.  These moments are fleeting in the long run as Killer Fish needed more sequences of this caliber to make it worthwhile. 

AKA:  The Naked Sun.  AKA:  Piranhas 2.  AKA:  Treasure of the Piranha.