TEN LITTLE MAIDENS (1985) ****

Ten Little Maidens is the porno version of Agatha Christie’s “And Then There Were None” with an all-star porn cast.  Notice I said “version” and not “spoof”.  If this was made nowadays, they’d probably call it This Ain’t Agatha Christie XXX or some shit.  It just shows you the ingenuity and craftsmanship that filmmakers used to put into porno versions of familiar tales.  I mean there is some weird shit here for sure (which is what makes it so memorable), but it manages to be a decent whodunit, even with all the fucking.

Harry Reems and Ginger Lynn star as a couple who are invited to an all expenses paid orgy at a mansion on an island in the middle of nowhere.  Their unseen host (who has an Alfred Hitchcock voice) communicates with them via tape recorder and announces they will all die one by one.  Once it looks like his prediction is going to come true, everyone decides to start balling their brains out.  I mean if you’ve got to go, go happy.

If you’re into food play, this is going to be your Citizen Kane of ‘80s fuck flicks.  Remember the scene in Raw Talent where Jerry Butler fucked a cooked turkey?  Well in this one, Jamie Gillis fucks a raw chicken.  I noticed he wasn’t wearing a rubber in this scene, which makes me wonder if that put him at risk for salmonella.  The award-winning dinner feast that turns into an orgy is something else.  It features Gillis cumming on salads, women getting fucked with cucumbers, Amber Lynn cradling a roasted pig while she herself gets stuffed, and dudes fucking pitted peaches.  There’s also a scene where Amber and Eric Edwards make a “banana split” while eating bananas and whipped cream during a 69.  

Another memorable bit involves Nina Hartley dressed like a cowgirl and riding a saddle with a dildo sticking through the leather.  Kitten Natividad, Lisa DeLeeuw, and Janey Robbins round out the cast.  Unfortunately, this was a non-sex role for Kitten, but she looks like she's having fun as a horny mail lady who watches Harry and Ginger fuck in the opening scene.

The death scenes are amusing too.  I mean when’s the last time you saw a guy get killed when a rubber ducky gets stuck on his dick?  Ten Little Maidens also features the screen’s first electrocution via double-edged dildo, so because of that alone, it deserves distinguished recognition.