Monday, February 25, 2019

AFTERMATH (2017) ****


Roman (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is devasted by the loss of his family when they are killed in a mid-air collision.  Jake (Scoot McNairy) is the air traffic controller who was on duty when the accident took place.  Lonely, hurt, and shunned by the unsympathetic airline, Roman turns his rage on Jake and sets out to make him pay.

This sounds like a roundabout Death Wish clone, but nothing could be further from the truth.  Aftermath is not your average revenge movie.  It is a dour, grim and depressing tragedy that also happens to be quite moving and powerful.  (It was also based on a true incident.)

Roman ranks among Arnold’s best performances.  The moment we realize this isn’t going to be your typical Arnold picture is when he receives the news his family is dead, and he faints.  Now, we’ve seen Arnold knocked out, shot, melted, and even bested by Batman, but I think this is the first time we’ve seen him faint on camera.  We’ve certainly never seen him this vulnerable, ragged and wounded.  

What makes Aftermath so gripping is that Jake isn’t a bad guy.  The accident was horrible, but it really isn’t even his fault.  He just happened to be on duty when it happened.  Try telling that to Roman though. 

Both men are experiencing unfathomable grief.  One is suffering the loss of immediate loved ones.  The other is feeling responsible for a catastrophic loss of life.  Both flirt with the possibility of suicide but relent before giving themselves over to death’s embrace.  The scenes of both men contemplating suicide are powerful and goes to show how they are forever linked to the tragedy.

The real villains are the airline’s lawyers who want to sweep the incident under the rug and pay off the victims’ families.  Roman doesn’t want any of that.  He just wants them to apologize.  And maybe look at a photo of his family.  In the long run, it’s not that much to ask, especially considering what happens in the end.

Even then, the ending doesn’t go as you’d expect.  You get a sense that maybe if Roman caught up with Jake a few months sooner things, things would’ve gone differently.  That’s what makes the ending a tragedy instead of an ordinary drama. 

I have a feeling that if anyone other than Arnold was in the lead role, Aftermath would’ve probably had some awards buzz.  It’s frank, grim, and unrelenting, and an excellent showcase for his skills.  Because Arnold was in the role, it was probably dismissed for being just another action flick.  Let me tell you, this is anything but.  It’s a well-executed gut-punch of a movie.  It would also make a good Arnold double feature with Maggie as both films are about as bleak as they come. 

AKA:  478.  AKA:  Aftermath:  Impact.

Sunday, February 24, 2019

THE 2018 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS


Here it is, folks!  The moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Here are the winners of The 2018 Video Vacuum Awards!

Best Dialogue

And the nominees are…

Creed 2 for “He broke things in me that ain’t never been fixed!”
The Equalizer 2 for “I expect a 5 Star rating!”
Mandy for “You ripped my shirt!”
Mute for “I’m AWOL!  You’re an A-Hole!”
Ready Player One for “It’s fucking Chucky!”
Red Sparrow for “You sent me to whore school!”
Solo:  A Star Wars Story for “I know.”
Spider-Man:  Into the Spider-Verse for “I frolic.  I dance.  I do this in my pants!”
Superfly for “I’m not going nowhere where the j’s are silent!”
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies for “Save me from Gene Hackman’s real estate scam!”

And the winner is… The Equalizer 2 for “I expect a 5 Star rating!”

Best Scene I Could Not Make Up

And the nominees are…

An Alien chestburster erupting out of Goro in Ready Player One
Iron Giant vs. Mechagodzilla in Ready Player One
The Trip to the Overlook Hotel in Ready Player One
The weaponization of Chucky in Ready Player One
Eric Roberts’ La La Land-inspired song and dance in Stalked by My Doctor:  Patient’s Revenge

And the winner is… Eric Roberts’ La La Land-inspired song and dance in Stalked by My Doctor:  Patient’s Revenge

Best Kids Movie

And the nominees are…

Goosebumps 2:  Haunted Halloween
Hotel Transylvania 3:  Summer Vacation
The House with a Clock in its Walls
Paddington 2
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies

And the winner is… Teen Titans Go!  To the Movies

Best DTV/Streaming Movie

And the nominees are…

Before I Wake
A Futile and Stupid Gesture
Kickboxer:  Retaliation
The Night Comes for Us
Puppet Master:  The Littlest Reich

And the winner is… The Night Comes for Us!

Worst DTV/Streaming Movie

And the nominees are…

Black Water
China Salesman
Deep Blue Sea 2
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Hellraiser:  Judgment

And the LOSER is… China Salesman!

Worst DTV/Streaming Sequel

And the nominees are…

The Cloverfield Paradox
Deep Blue Sea 2
Escape Plan 2:  Hades
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Hellraiser:  Judgment

And the LOSER is… Hellraiser:  Judgment!

Best Action Movie

And the nominees are…

Bumblebee
Death Wish
Solo:  A Star Wars Story
Superfly
Venom

And the winner is… Venom! 

Worst Action Movie

And the nominees are…

China Salesman
Black Water
The Debt Collector
Escape Plan 2:  Hades
Peppermint

And the LOSER is… China Salesman!

Best Comic Book Movie

And the nominees are…

Ant-Man and the Wasp
Aquaman
Avengers:  Infinity War
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies
Venom

And the winner is… Venom!

 Best Sequel 

And the nominees are…

Ant-Man and the Wasp
Creed 2
Pacific Rim:  Uprising
Bumblebee
Solo:  A Star Wars Story

And the winner is… Creed 2!

Worst Sequel

And the nominees are…

Deep Blue Sea 2
Escape Plan 2:  Hades
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Hellraiser:  Judgment
The Nun

And the LOSER is… Hellraiser:  Judgment!

Best Horror Movie

And the nominees are…

Before I Wake
The House with a Clock in its Walls
Mandy
The Meg
Mom and Dad

And the winner is… Mom and Dad!

Worst Horror Movie

And the nominees are…

Day of the Dead:  Bloodline
Deep Blue Sea 2
Hellraiser:  Judgment
Hereditary
The Nun

And the LOSER is… Hellraiser:  Judgment!

Best Sci-Fi Movie

And the nominees are…

Ant-Man and the Wasp
Bumblebee
Pacific Rim:  Uprising
Ready Player One
Solo:  A Star Wars Story

And the winner is… Ant-Man and the Wasp!

Worst Sci-Fi Movie

And the nominees are…

Annihilation
The Cloverfield Paradox
Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle
Godzilla:  Planet of the Monsters
Mute

And the LOSER is… Godzilla:  City on the Edge of Battle!

Best Movie Based on a TV Show

And the nominees are…

Bumblebee
The Equalizer 2
Goosebumps 2:  Haunted Halloween
Mission:  Impossible:  Fallout
Teen Titans Go! To the Movies

And the winner is… Teen Titans Go!  To the Movies

Best Drama

And the nominees are…

Bohemian Rhapsody
Creed 2
The Last Movie Star
The Mule
The Other Side of the Wind

And the winner is… Creed 2!

Best Actor

And the nominees are…

Trevor Jackson (Superfly)
Michael B. Jordan (Black Panther)
Joaquin Phoenix (You Were Never Really Here)
Burt Reynolds (The Last Movie Star)
Bruce Willis (Death Wish)

And the winner is… Joaquin Phoenix!

Best Actress

And the nominees are…

Cate Blanchett (The House with a Clock in its Walls)
Hailee Steinfeld (Bumblebee)
Marci Miller (Children of the Corn:  Runaway)
Tessa Thompson (Creed 2)
Ariel Winter (The Last Movie Star)

And the winner is… Tessa Thompson!

Best Director

And the nominees are…

Steven Caple, Jr. (Creed 2)
Ruben Fleischer (Venom)
Ron Howard (Solo:  A Star Wars Story)
Peyton Reed (Ant-Man and the Wasp)
Director X (Superfly)

And the winner is… Steven Caple, Jr.! 

Worst Picture 
And the nominees are… 
China Salesman
Hellraiser:  Judgment
Hereditary
Peppermint
211 

And the LOSER is… China Salesman!

Best Picture 
And the nominees are…

Ant-Man and the Wasp
Creed 2
Solo:  A Star Wars Story
Superfly
Venom

And the winner is… Creed 2!

That wraps up The Video Vacuum Awards for this year.  Thank you all for visiting, commenting, and participating in the discussion.  I look forward to exploring another wild year of cinema with you all.  See you at the movies!

THE 2018 VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: THE TECHNICAL AWARDS


Before that OTHER awards show steals all my thunder, I figured I’d go ahead and give out the 12th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  We had a wealth of great nominees this year and I can’t wait to hand out the awards.  Before we do that though, tradition dictates that we first hand out The Video Vacuum Technical Awards.  These of course are awarded to movies that had zero or no competition in their respective categories.  So, without further ado:

Best Remake
Superfly
Runner-Up:  Death Wish

Best Shark Movie
The Meg
Runner-Up:  Santa Jaws

Worst Shark Movie
Deep Blue Sea 2

Best Movie Based on a Video Game
Rampage

Worst Drama
211
Runner-Up:  Hold the Dark

Best Comedy
A Futile and Stupid Gesture

Best Documentary
They’ll Love Me When I’m Dead
Runner-Up:  Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

Best Nicolas Cage Movie
Mom and Dad
Runner-Up:  Teen Titans Go! To the Movies 

Worst Nicolas Cage Movie
211

Best DTV/Streaming Sequel
Kickboxer:  Retaliation

Best TV Movie
Stalked by My Doctor:  Patient’s Revenge
Runner-Up:  Santa Jaws

Worst Kids Movie
Show Dogs
Runner-Up:  Peter Rabbit

Friday, February 22, 2019

DOCTOR MORDRID (1992) ** ½


Jeffrey Combs stars as Doctor Mordrid, an immortal sorcerer who lives in an apartment in New York City and has a pet raven named Edgar Allan.  It’s up to him to stop the evil Kabal (Brian Thompson) from bringing about the apocalypse.  When Mordrid is arrested for one of Kabal’s murders, his mystical amulet is confiscated by the police, leaving him in a mortal state.  Mordrid then relies on a pretty detective (Yvette Nipar) to help him escape prison and save the world.

Directed by the father and son team of Albert and Charles Band, Doctor Mordrid plays like a half-assed low budget version of Doctor Strange.  His inner sanctum lair has a cool retro-art deco look and the production design probably cost more than anything else in the entire movie.  The chintzy effects have a certain charm about them too, it’s just that the budget was too small to realize its fantastic vision.    

Doctor Mordrid has ambition, I’ll give it that.  Unfortunately, the pacing is erratic at best.  The opening is rather sluggish, and overall, it feels much longer than the seventy-four-minute running time suggests.  (The second act feels like a Law and Order episode.)  Luckily, the film really comes alive during the rousing finale.  The stop-motion dinosaur skeleton fight is simply awesome, and it’s a shame there wasn’t more scenes of this caliber throughout the picture.  

It also benefits from a great performance by Combs, who lends considerable gravitas to the cheapjack surroundings.  He can earnestly spout mystical gobbledygook like few can and he really sells the character’s sense of impending doom.  Thompson is a blast too as the badass villain who looks like a lost Mortal Kombat character.  Whenever they are squaring off against one another, Doctor Mordrid is just what the doctor ordered.

AKA:  Rexosaurus.  

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

PARANORMAL EXTREMES: TEXT MESSAGES FROM THE DEAD (2015) *


Writer/director Ted V. (The Corpse Grinders) Mikels made Paranormal Extremes:  Text Messages from the Dead when he was eighty-six years old.  I can’t imagine being alive and kicking at eighty-six, let alone making a movie at that age.  With that in mind, I tried to take it easy on the film.  However, this just might be Mikels’ worst.

Addison (Colie Knoke) is a ditzy blonde who meets an old man (Mikels) in the park.  He asks her to pass a message along to his wife.  When Addison does so, she’s befuddled to learn from the wife that the man has been dead for three years.  Later, her boyfriend goes on a business trip and keeps texting her about needing her help to “cross over”.  Since their last conversation revolved around a GPS, she thinks he needs help with directions.  Little does she know, he’s actually dead as a doornail and trying to communicate with her from beyond the grave.

Like most of Mikels’ latter-day shot-on-video affairs, Paranormal Extremes:  Text Messages from the Dead is a rather slipshod affair.  The dialogue and the acting are mostly terrible across the board (except for Mikels) and some of the extras and bit players are… shall we say… eclectic.  Knoke’s performance almost singlehandedly sinks it.  Her blank line readings and unresponsive reaction shots are often good for a laugh though.  There’s obviously SOMETHING supernatural going on around her, but she’s such a dim bulb that you have to wonder if she can even conceptualize what’s happening.  

If it was just a bimbo version of The Sixth Sense, I might’ve been okay.  However, once Knoke joins a Ghost Hunters-style reality show in the third act, I had to tap out.  It just tacks on another useless twenty minutes of unnecessary plot at the end and makes the one-hundred-and-two-minute running time feel a hell of a lot longer.

BORIS AND NATASHA (1992) ** ½


Before the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie, we got this live action spin-off featuring the two nitwit Pottsylvanian spies.  Since it never got a theatrical release and pretty much fell off the face of the earth after premiering on Showtime, my expectations were lower than slug shit.  As it turns out it’s fairly clever and contains a few genuine laughs. 

Boris (Dave Thomas) and Natasha (Sally Kellerman) defect to America.  Really, they’re unwitting decoys for the real agents who are out to steal a microchip that can turn back time.  Along the way, Natasha becomes a fashion model and Boris has to come to grips with his feelings for her.

The plot is somewhat similar to Spies Like Us (which is fitting since Thomas wrote that flick).  Thomas, it must be said, is a bit miscast.  He doesn’t go all in with the accent and seems much more dapper than the cartoon Boris ever was.  Kellerman is a lot of fun though.  She is clearly having a blast and really gets to cut loose. 

The funniest part is the narration, which is done in the same style of the old show.  Not only does the narrator steal the movie, he helps keep the spirit of the Rocky and Bullwinkle show intact.  Too bad the budget was too low to prevent the real moose and squirrel from making proper cameos.  Most of this is silly, and it’s occasionally downright dumb, but there are some insane cameos here (especially Kellerman’s “date”) that add to the fun.

It all kind of falls apart by the end, but I guess that was to be expected.  Director Charles Martin (Trick or Treat) Smith’s style is a bit too flat.  I guess that is due in part with the low budget.  However, there’s enough bright spots here to make it recommended as a curiosity piece.

FUTURE KICK (1991) *


Here’s a ripe slice of What the Hell Did I Just Watch?  It’s one part Terminator rip-off, one part Virtual Reality flick, and one part stripper movie.  Imagine if Albert Pyun directed Total Recall but had to have a random striptease tossed in every ten minutes or so.  That still doesn’t do it justice. Holy cats is this one big clusterfuck.

Don “The Dragon” Wilson stars as a Cyberon, or cyborg.  He’s the last of his kind and makes his living as a bounty hunter.  Meg Foster (who deserves like… SOOOOOO much better) wants to avenge her husband’s death and hires Don to help her.

This is incredibly, seventy-one minutes long, but it is one of the longest seventy-one minutes I have ever endured.  Some scenes don’t make a lick of sense.  Others are too dark to see.  Others are filled with so much nothing you wonder how it even got before a camera.  We also get inexplicable overuse of footage stolen from other Roger Corman productions to pad out the running time.  There’s an occasional WTF moment to keep it from being a total waste of time (like the decapitation scene) and there’s plenty of boobs, but for the most part, this is one frustrating experience.  

Speaking of frustrating, the ending is something else.  It’s one of those “It was all a dream” deals.  More like a nightmare if you ask me.

Wilson skates by, just barely, by deftly acting like a robot the whole time.  Or maybe he wasn’t.  It’s hard to tell.  Just thinking about the supremely talented Foster in this movie is too depressing for words.  The great Chris Penn is completely wasted as the villain’s lackey who only gets like one line of dialogue.  Maria Ford also shows up briefly as a stripper, but that’s not nearly enough to pull this one out of the gutter.

Writer/director Damian Klaus didn’t write or direct another movie.  That alone proves there is a God and he is merciful.  

AKA:  Futurekick.  AKA:  Kickboxer 2025.