PET SEMATARY (2019) **

Guys, it’s my fault.  A few days ago, my VCR ate my copy of Mary Lambert’s Pet Sematary.  I was heartbroken at the loss.  So, blinded by grief, I buried the tape in the rocky soil of the old Indian burial ground in my backyard.  I waited.  Eventually, it came back.  To theaters this time.  It looked like my old Pet Sematary.  It sounded like my Pet Sematary, but it wasn’t the same.  It was… bad.

In the beginning, this Pet Sematary gets you thinking everything is going to be just fine.  It lulls you into a false sense of security.  Then, from out of nowhere… WHAM!  It attacks you.  Why would my Pet Sematary do this to me?  How could it be so cruel and heartless?  

That’s because… IT’S NOT MY PET SEMATARY ANY MORE!!!

This Pet Sematary just tries too damn hard to be scary.  Take for example the funeral procession of kids in creepy animal masks.  Why are they there?  Ominous harbinger of doom?  Or just something the directors (Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Widmyer, the team behind Starry Eyes) thought would look cool?  It just doesn’t work.  

They also go overboard with the Zelda and Victor Pascow scenes.  I get why they’re in the book as they offer us a glimpse into the psyche of Louis and Rachel (who in this version are played by Jason Clarke and Amy Seimetz).  In this incarnation, both Zelda and Victor are gratuitous and only exist as over the top portents.  (Did we really need the scene at the clinic where Pascow’s brain pulsates out of his skull, and the nurse screams, “OH MY GOD!  I CAN SEE HIS BRAIN!”?)

As unnecessary as all this is, the first half of the movie is… okay.  It’s when the film deviates from the original (not to mention the book) in such a dramatic way that the wheels just don’t fall off, they spontaneously combust.  I know this isn’t the first remake to change something from the original.  Nor is it the first adaptation of a novel to stray from the source material.  It’s just that the changes (especially in the last ten minutes) are needless and clumsily executed.  

The big change, which won’t be much of a spoiler if you saw the trailers, is that it’s the Creeds’ eldest daughter Ellie (Jete Laurence) who gets hit by a truck and not the toddler Gage (Hugo and Lucas Lavole).  I get the reasoning behind this.  A two-year-old zombie isn’t as emotionally complex as a nine-year-old.  (Besides, let’s face it, Ellie was the most annoying and extraneous character in the original.)  If handled just so, the change could’ve packed a real wallop, but like the zombie Ellie, it’s just plain no good.

I won’t lie.  There was a part of me that had a bit of a reaction to the big scene.  My daughter is the same age as Ellie.  We live by a heavily trafficked road that are full of speeding semis.  I imagine I would’ve done the same thing Louis does.  It’s a storytelling low blow to be sure, but the novel was like that too.  Like Gage says in the original, “No fair”.  

Jason Clarke does a fine job as Louis, the grieving father in the scenes leading up to and immediately after he digs up Ellie.  He has an appropriate emptiness in his eyes, like lights are on, but no one’s home.  There are two quiet scenes that work.  One, where he gives his freshly risen daughter a bath.  The other, when he tucks her into bed at night.  These little moments work remarkably well.  If the filmmakers explored this gray area further, it may have been brutally efficient, even scary.  

Instead, the next scene has Ellie dancing wildly around, growling, and smashing shit.  Before long, she’s donning one of those creepy masks and dispatching people with a scalpel while making lame wisecracks.  It’s pathetic.  

The final scenes will just leave fans of the book and the original film furious.  Those unfamiliar with the changes may be able to accept them at face value.  However, the final moments land in such a clunky manner that I severely doubt it.  

I was ecstatic about the casting of the great John Lithgow as the Creeds’ neighbor Jud, who was memorably played by Fred Gwynne in the original.  As a fan of Lithgow’s I couldn’t wait to see what he would do with the role.  As it turns out, John Lithgow is no Fred Gwynne.  Who’d thought?

Honestly, there’s no reason for this thing to even exist.  There are so many great Stephen King novels and short stories that haven’t been turned into movies yet.  Why dig up old ones and remake them?  Other than to get some of that It money. 

Sometimes, the original is better.

SECURITY (2017) ***

Antonio Banderas stars as a soldier who comes home from war to be confronted by an unreceptive job market.  Desperate for work, he takes a job as a mall security guard.  His first night on patrol, it immediately becomes apparent that his co-workers are woefully ill-equipped for the job, but that’s okay, because nothing ever happens at the mall, right?

Of course, a little girl comes banging on the door looking for help.  You see, Ben Kingsley wants her dead and…

Yes, folks, THAT Ben Kingsley.  

Anyway, Antonio protects the girl and refuses to give her up.  Since Ben is the head of an elite assassination team whose assignment is to silence the kid so she can’t testify for his client, a standoff ensues.  Once his men infiltrate the building, it’s up to Antonio to rally the troops in order to survive the night.  

Wouldn’t you know it?  The security team isn’t allowed to carry guns, so the only weapons they have are pepper spray and tasers.  That might work against your average shoplifter, but what’s it going to do to a trigger-happy hit squad?  That means Antonio and his crew have to salvage what they can from the various stores to create their own makeshift weapons to protect the little girl until the police arrive on the scene.  

Look, Security isn’t going to win any awards.  Casual viewers are likely to skip right over it.  It probably won’t even get a look from Banderas fans thanks to the generic poster.  That’s a shame too because even if it isn’t a Grade A thriller or anything, it’s a lean, mean, efficient little picture that moves along at a crackling pace.    

Banderas takes his PTSD-addled character seriously, but the movie itself is anything but.  It’s ridiculous, a tad cheesy, and a lot of fun.  The scenes of Banderas taking control of his team of unarmed Paul Blarts, whipping them into shape, and prepping the mall with Home Alone-style traps is a hoot.  Kingsley is clearly having fun and turns what could’ve been a standard issue villain into something offbeat and memorable.  

Some of the action scenes are kind of dark, but at least the camerawork isn’t shaky.  Other than that, Security is a pleasant and diverting old school action flick.  Action fans looking for a night of undemanding fun are pretty much guaranteed to have a blast with it. 

SHAZAM! (2019) ***

Shazam! is the second-best movie starring a Captain Marvel released in the last four weeks.  It’s easily one of the weaker recent DC superhero movies too.  What keeps it afloat is the plucky, jubilant, and endearing performance by star Zachary Levi.

Foster kid Billy Batson (Asher Angel) is not happy in his new home.  While dodging some bullies, he hops on a subway and finds himself transported to the mystical lair of a wizard (Djmon Hounsou, who was also in Captain Marvel, coincidentally) who imbues him with superpowers.  Since his foster brother Freddy (Jack Dylan Glazer) knows all about superhero shit (he has a shrine in his room to Superman and Batman), he enlists his help to test out his superpowers.  Trouble brews when the evil Dr. Sivana (Mark Strong), empowered with no less than the Seven Deadly Sins, comes lurking around seeking to drain Billy of his power.

Like the main character, Shazam! seems to be going through an awkward phase.  Long stretches are dark, brooding, and gloomy.  It even threatens to turn into a balls-out horror movie at certain points (which is fitting I guess since it was directed by Annabelle:  Creation’s David F. Sandberg).  Other sequences play like a superhero version of Big (there’s even a direct homage to that film) where a boy trapped in a man’s body takes advantage of being a grown-up (buying beer, going to a strip club, etc.).  These scenes score big laughs, mostly due to the hilarious turn by Levi.  

The superhero scenes are clearly the better, breezier sections.  While the Seven Deadly Sins look better than most generic CGI monsters found in these things (they sort of resemble a stop-motion Harryhausen creation), the scenes where they are unleashed are surprisingly gruesome and a tad unnecessary in what is essentially a kid’s movie.  The tone is out of whack, more so than in Justice League, which tends to keep Shazam! from flying high.

There’s a good message here.  Family is where you find it, and all that.  It’s nothing we haven’t seen before though.  However, the family scenes are held together by the dynamite ensemble cast that help the film over its cliched passages.  

Jarring tonal shifts aside, Sandberg delivers on the superhero mashing.  The scenes of Shazam testing out his powers are quite funny, and the Found Footage shots of Freddy filming Shazam doing superhero shit are kept to a minimum.  The superhero brawls are well done and the finale (which I will not spoil) leaves me hopeful for more Shazams in the near future.

Strong makes for a solid villain.  He’s all business, and Levi makes an excellent foil for his no-nonsense demeanor.  I also enjoyed his scenes with the legendary John Glover who plays Strong’s father.  

The movie really belongs to Levi.  He’s so charming and funny that you kind of forgive the movie for its lapses.  It’s probably not the ideal vehicle for the character as it often uses the premise as an excuse to spoof the genre, but the bottom line is that Shazam! is just plain fun.   

DC Extended Universe Scorecard: 

Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice: ****
Man of Steel: ****
Aquaman: *** ½
Wonder Woman: *** ½
Justice League: *** ½
Shazam!:  ***
Suicide Squad: ***

2019 Comic Book Movie Scorecard:

Alita:  Battle Angel:  ***
Captain Marvel:  ***
Shazam!: ***

THE IMMORTALIZER (1989) **

A quartet of friends out for a night on the town take a shortcut down a dark alley and get kidnapped by a pair of bulky, rubbery-faced henchmen.  The deformed degenerates take the teens to an illicit clinic where the demented doctors put the brains of the rich and old into the bodies of the young and stupid in exchange for big bucks.  One of the teens manages to escape and tries to free his friends before it’s too late.  

The Immortalizer is a typical, no-frills My Friends are in Great Danger and Nobody Will Believe Me movie.  The make-up on the henchman is pretty cool (they kind of look like extras from Neon Maniacs), but the rest of it is fairly standard stuff.  The scenes of our hero trying to convince the cops the clinic is ran by mad scientists are humdrum and are pretty much devoid of tension.  

A lot of this will be overly familiar for anyone who’s ever sat through an ‘80s horror movie.  There are moments here that crib almost directly from Fright Night and Re-Animator (the doctor’s serum glows green, which makes me think Herbert West forgot to patent his rejuvenation methods).  Despite an effective set-up (the reveal of the henchmen works well enough), director Joel Bender is unable to inject any life into the proceedings.  One amusing subplot has the main teen turning to a nosy old neighbor for help.  This leads to a fun scene where she dresses up like an old rich lady and goes to the clinic posing as a prospective client.  Needless to say, it does not end well.  

As far as Joel Bender movies go, this ain’t no Gas Pump Girls.

AKA:  Dr. Immortalizer.  

HOME INVASION (2016) *

Natasha Henstridge is a rich woman whose home is besieged by masked men who break in during a hurricane.  DTV Hall of Famer Scott Adkins is the ringleader of the thieves looking for Natasha’s ex-husband’s hidden loot.  She calls her home security company, and Jason Patric answers the call.  Since the authorities are cut off from the storm, he tries to keep her alive and one step ahead of Adkins and his crew.  

The set-up is simple.  It kind of plays like a mix of The Strangers, Panic Room, and The Call.  In the right hands, it could’ve been a crackling little thriller.  However, thanks to David Tennant’s staid direction, Home Invasion very much feels like a Lifetime Movie.  

I will give this to David Tennant (not the Doctor Who guy):  He gets the show on the road in an efficient manner.  In doing so, he kind of shoots himself in the foot because after that, there’s really nowhere for the movie to go.  The middle section where the thieves go through the house in the dark with flashlights and metal detectors while Henstridge and her kid play hide and seek with them is particularly paced like molasses.  

I watched this because of my immense crush on Henstridge, my love for Adkins, and the fact I dug Patric’s performance in The Prince.  Too bad Henstridge is stuck playing the thankless damsel in distress role who mostly just cowers in fear.  Adkins is hidden behind a shitty mask for much of the movie.  Even when he takes it off, he’s criminally underutilized.  Patric offers a measure of calm intensity, but there’s only so much he can do while talking into a headset and clacking on a keyboard.  

Even as a fan of the three leads, Home Invasion is a dud.  I can see why Scott took the role.  He probably wants to be known for more than just the action roles.  However, his villain character is severely underwritten.  

Ice Man himself, Shawn Ashmore was an executive producer.  

AKA:  Terror Online.  AKA:  Forced Entry.

THE GIRL WITH ALL THE GIFTS (2017) **

The Girl with All the Gifts is another one of those horror movies where everyone whispers for long periods of time and you have to continuously turn up the volume on your TV until a character slams a door shut and it’s so loud you think it’s going to blow out your speakers.  I mean what’s up with the sound engineers on these movies?  They don’t put a microphone anywhere near the actors’ mouths, but they’ll crank up the levels on a simple door latch?  

Speaking of the actors’ mouths, it’s also one of those movies where many of the actors have thick British accents and it’s hard to tell what the hell they’re saying.  It’s one thing if the sound sucks so you can’t hear them.  It’s another when you can’t even understand what they’re saying when their dialogue is properly recorded.

It’s also one of those movies where zombies move like they’re running in the Boston Marathon.  I don’t know about you, but I’m getting tired of these fast zombies.  Can we please go back to the old Romero zombies that do the Pittsburgh Shuffle?  Or if you’re going to have fast zombies, can you at least make sure the movie itself isn’t paced as slow as a Romero zombie’s gait?

The plot has a wicked government scientist played by Glenn Close… yes… THAT Glenn Close.  What the fuck is she doing here?  I guess the rent ain’t gonna pay itself.  Anyway, she’s in an underground military installation performing experiments on zombie kids.  One zombie girl (the one with all the gifts), played by Sennia Nanua is noticeably more human than the others and carries the gene that could cure the zombie plague.  Wouldn’t you know it?  Just when Glenn’s about to perform the experiment, zombies attack the compound.  Glenn, Gemma Arterton (who teaches Zombie Sunday School), and Paddy Considine (soldier) go on the run and look for a new home.  They bring the Gift Girl along, but wisely fit her with a Hannibal Lecter mask to prevent anyone from getting bit.  

After a sluggish start, The Girl with All the Gifts reveals itself not to be a total wash.  I liked some of the gimmicks, like the soldiers wearing a zombie repellent that looks like hand sanitizer.  (It probably has the same effect as Axe Body Spray.)  I just wish the action wasn’t so shoddily filmed and the CGI headshots didn’t look like a game of zombie paintball.

There’s still a great deal of stupidity here.  Take for example the scene when the zombies stand perfectly still, and our heroes cautiously tiptoe around them.  What?  Or when the fungus that caused the virus turns the zombies into trees.  I guess they were trying for a different take on the zombie flick, but that’s not exactly the way to go about it.  

The third act is marginally interesting.  It’s here where the flick becomes sort of like a Lord of the Flies, but with zombies.  A great movie could’ve begun with this idea.  This one ends with it.  

AKA:  The Last Girl.  

A CLIMAX OF BLUE POWER (1975) ***

A cop named Eddie (I. William Quinn) busts a hooker (Starlyn Simone) and tells her he’ll save her a night in jail if she’ll fuck him in the back of his police cruiser.  She reluctantly agrees, but when he starts getting too rough with her, she resists.  Eddie pulls a gun on her and threatens to “put a bullet between her tits” if she refuses.  He then makes her strip down and roll around in the mud and masturbate during a torrential downpour.  

Here’s the kicker:  It turns out he’s not even a cop!  He’s a security guard who slightly modifies his uniform and car to make himself look like a police officer.  Eddie then abuses his power to force other women into sex.  When he learns a woman (Angela Carnon) has murdered her husband, he holds her prisoner in her home.  Eventually, she turns the tables on her captor.

Before Bad Lieutenant there was Eddie.  Seeing him recklessly abuse his power lends a definite taboo feel to this highly effective roughie.  There’s a little bit of a Taxi Driver vibe too as Eddie spends lots of his isolated existence spewing frustrated, hateful narration.  (Instead of going to a porn theater like Travis Bickle, he stays in and watches a stag loop at home.)  

Quinn is great as the sex-crazed cop.  He’s especially awesome in the wild scene where he dresses in drag to give his captive a bath.  The legendary Uschi Digard also pops up as a massage parlor girl, although, sadly, she doesn’t participate in any of the sex scenes.

Director Lee Frost, who made everything from nudie-cuties like House on Bare Mountain to drive-in fare like The Thing with Two Heads to hardcore roughies like this, handles the hard-edged sex scenes with vigor.   The various S & M sequences have a decided kick to them, and even the more “normal” scenes (like the three-way on a massage table) are hot too.  It definitely won’t be for all tastes, but for those who like their ‘70s porn with a mean streak, A Climax of Blue Power will be quite arresting.

AKA:  The Impersonator.  AKA:  The Passion of Blue Power.  AKA:  A Taste of Blue Power.  AKA:  Deviate in Blue.