THE IMMORAL THREE (1975) ***

Jane (Cindy Boudreau) is strangled to death while sunbathing on a balcony.  At her funeral, Jane’s three long-lost daughters, Sandy (Sandra Kay), Nancy (Michelle Marie), and Ginny (also played by Boudreau) meet for the first time.  They also learn their mother (whom they never met) was a special agent who slept with and killed enemy agents.  That means her daughters were “occupational side effects”.  Jane’s will states the three girls need to team up and find her murderer before they can collect the three-million-dollar inheritance.  They are given a list of four suspects and set out to determine which one is the killer.  

Early on in Doris Wishman’s The Immoral Three, one of the characters mention in passing that Jane was known as “Agent 73”.  That means this is actually an under the radar sequel to Double Agent 73!  All I have to say is that Cindy Boudreau is no Chesty Morgan, but then again, who is?  While she may not have Chesty’s impossible bustline, unlike Chesty, Boudreau can recite intelligible dialogue, which helps.  I guess.  There’s no camera boob gimmick this time out though, which is a little disappointing.  

The good news is, this is a Doris Wishman movie through and through.  It may not be up to the dizzying heights of Wishman’s classics like Double Agent 73, Let Me Die a Woman, and Deadly Weapons, but The Immoral Three has enough moments of WTF (Wishman’s Type of Filmmaking) to make it worthwhile.  There’s the oddball plot.  Misogyny.  Murder.  Nudity.  Shots of people walking slowly towards the camera.  And of course, random shots of feet.  As a bonus, the flick features what has to be the most inexplicable use of a xylophone found on a soundtrack.

The Immoral Three is one of Wishman’s better put together films.  Sure, it kind of drags around the halfway mark, but her Kitchen Sink approach assures you’ll be riveted.  While most of this plays like some sort of sexed-up mash-up of Charlie’s Angels and Mission:  Impossible, some scenes feel like a prototype for a slasher movie with a black-gloved killer stabbing people.  We also get a not-bad double twist ending.

The main draw will be the shit-ton of nudity.  The lovely ladies in the cast get naked at the drop of a hat.  Whether getting changed, skinny-dipping, or having sex (willingly and otherwise), there’s never a shortage of skin on screen.  

The nuttiest scene comes when Kay simulates fellatio with a banana to arouse a potential suspect.  When she goes down on him, Wishman superimposes shots of Kay sucking the banana over his face, which scores maximum laughs.  While I can’t say The Immoral Three lives up to the promise of Double Agent 73, moments like these assure exploitation fans will have loads of fun with it.

AKA:  Hotter Than Hell.  

FINAL IMPACT (1992) ***

Lorenzo Lamas stars as a former kickboxing champion slumming on the strip club circuit, fighting matches just before the oil wrestling main attraction.  A young, idealistic student (Michael Worth) wanting to make a name for himself comes to Lorenzo to pay homage.  After busting the kid’s balls a bit, Lamas eventually takes him under his wing so he can beat the fighter who stripped him of his belt.  

On the surface, Final Impact is a generic kickboxing movie.  If you look deeper, you find it’s a character study of how a man’s shortsighted quest for revenge winds up costing him everything.  I love stories about a stubborn ass man sticking to his guns, living life on his terms, and refusing to accept his situation until the last possible moment.   Sure, the sports genre clichés are overly familiar, and the fight choreography is nothing to brag about, but there’s plenty of quirky character moments here that help to make it memorable.

I knew Final Impact was going to be special the moment Worth beat a guy in the ring, pumped his fist, then pointed at Lamas and said, “I’m invincible!”  Later, back at the motel, Worth gets jumped by two guys in front of a Dr. Pepper machine.  Lamas intervenes and says, “Nobody’s invincible!”  What makes this scene so great is Lamas’ deadpan delivery… and the fact that he’s wearing a leather vest and no undershirt.  I know it doesn’t sound like much to hear me tell it, but I must’ve replayed this scene like three times, rolling in laughter each time.

Then of course there’s the great scene where Lamas gets drunk, breaks into the arena, and crawls into the empty ring where he falls to his knees and screams while flashbacks of his crushing defeat play out.  I’m not going to lie, the moment late in the third act when Lorenzo arrives at his big lifechanging realization, it’s unexpectedly powerful.  In lesser hands, a line like, “Winning isn’t about getting even.  It’s about being true to yourself!” would elicit chortles.  To hear Lamas tell it, it’s a heartbreaking punch to the gut.  

I can’t say this is Lamas’ best performance because that’s easily Snakeeater.  What I can say is he’s incredibly earnest, heartfelt, and genuine.  He hits the dramatic notes with surprising authority, but still looks funny with no shirt and cowboy hat while being belligerent too. What I’m saying is, Lorenzo Lamas is awesome.

VALLEY OF THE DRAGONS (1961) **

Cesare (National Lampoon’s Animal House) Danova and Sean (My Chauffeur) McClory star as two feuding men whose duel is interrupted by a comet crashing to earth.  They awaken to find themselves in a strange surrounding and eventually figure out they’ve somehow been swept away on the passing comet.  They soon put their differences aside and go exploring.  The two men wind up getting separated and find themselves on opposing sides of a caveman tribal war. 

Based on a story by Jules Verne, Valley of the Dragons earns points for not wasting any time getting the show on the road.  It kicks things off in fine fashion with the scene of the comet literally sweeping Danova and McClory off their feet.  It doesn’t take long to get bogged down from there though.  The caveman scenes are slowly paced and the final dinosaur battle (that’s right, they’re not even dragons), which is nothing more than lizards with fins glued onto their backs, goes on far too long.  

Most of this is laughable and cheap.  You can get some amusement from seeing elephants covered in fur being passed off as mastodons and forced perspective shots of anteaters and armadillos.  Fans will also have fun spotting the wholesale swiping of footage from One Million B.C., King Dinosaur, and even Rodan being recycled for the action sequences.  The spider monster from Cat-Women of the Moon is even reused briefly.  The skull-faced Neanderthal men are kind of creepy too, but for the most part, the overreliance on stock footage and the soggy pacing in the second half ultimately sink this Valley.

AKA:  Prehistoric Valley.  

RAW TALENT (1984) ***

Raw Talent begins with a warning that states the film contains “Subliminal Suggestions”.  Turns out there are flashes of the word “Masturbate” during one of the sex scenes.  If that doesn’t tip you off this is going to be special, the opening scene will.

Jerry Butler is a struggling actor working in a diner.  An old bitchy customer comes in ten minutes before closing time wanting a turkey sandwich.  After belittling Jerry, he goes in the back, whips out his dick, and fucks the roasted turkey until he cums in her sandwich.  

Yes, this movie is as awesome as it sounds.

Jerry learns his co-worker (Joey Silvera) is a porn star and decides to visit the set.  The icy director (the great Lisa DeLeeuw) constantly berates Silvera as he tries to fuck on film.  There’s a hilarious bit when Joey goes down on an actress and accidentally drops his gum on her pubic hair.  It gets stuck in her pubes, and the make-up lady has to cut it out with scissors (and shave her).  When Joey experiences premature ejaculation, Jerry takes over and proves he’s got the stuff to be a star.  

Later, at a party, he bangs DeLeeuw, but she doesn’t want him to cum on her.  She tells him to cum on the plant, which of course, turns out to be a cactus and he winds up injuring himself.  (“I pricked my prick!”)

Did I mention this movie is awesome?

This is followed by a scene where Butler gets attacked by muggers and he fights them off using his Kung Fu moves.  The fight is so exaggerated and over the top that at first, you may think it’s part of a scene he’s filming for a movie.  Nope, it’s just part of his everyday life.  Incredible.  

Jerry eventually finds work on a soap opera.  When it comes out he’s an ex-porn star, he gets fired.  He learns DeLeeuw told the press about his porno past and ruined career, and he gets his revenge by shoving her face in the bidet and sodomizing her.  

The story jumps around a lot in the third act.  It’s here where Jerry goes to jail and gets released in the span of a jump cut.  He also gets a girlfriend in the same amount of time.  When he catches her fucking Ron Jeremy, it leads to an all-out Kung Fu battle between Jeremy and Butler!  Clearly modeled on Enter the Dragon, with Butler “WAAAAHing” and “WOOOOing” like Bruce Lee, the choreography is surprisingly competent, and the two stars give it their all.  In the end, Butler has to fight another actor (literally) for a coveted role.  

It’s not perfect, but Raw Talent is one of those ‘80s pornos that is justifiably legendary.  Don’t be dismayed that I basically told you all the highlights, because trust me, that won’t do it justice.  You’ve got to see this thing to believe it.  Even then, I can’t guarantee you’ll believe your eyes.

DeLeeuw gets the best line of the movie when she tells Silvera:  “Pussies are like English Muffins.  You got to spread them to get to all those nooks and crannies!”

VENDETTA (2015) **

Dean Cain stars as a detective who arrests a notorious criminal played by WWE superstar Paul “Big Show” Wight.  Big Show gets out of jail and murders Cain’s pregnant wife and goes right back to prison.  Cain goes crazy and gets himself thrown in jail to get revenge on Big Show.  He soon learns Big Sexy is running his vast criminal empire out of prison with the help of dirty prison guards.  Before going through with his vendetta, Cain first dedicates himself to tearing down Big Show’s operation from the inside.  

Vendetta is a WWE movie from directors Jen and Sylvia (Dead Hooker in a Trunk) Soska.  This is actually their second go-round directing WWE flicks after helming the Kane horror sequel See No Evil 2.  There’s been a lot of talk lately about the need for more women directors.  I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment.  It’s just that the Soskas’ unique talents are wasted on this generic WWE actioner.  The Soskas trot out the usual prison clichés and handle all the brawls, riots, shivs, etc. efficiently enough and direct the action in a competent manner.  However, there’s nothing here that really grabs you either and you’ll probably find yourself forgetting most of it soon after you watch it.  

Cain does a fine job in the lead.  The former Superman does a decent slow burn.  He probably deserves better gigs than this and the occasional talking dog movie.  Big Show handles himself quite well.  He has considerable screen presence and makes for a formidable foe.  Ultimately, both men are let down by the no-frills screenplay, which never quite gets itself into gear.

THE SHEIK (2014) ****

The Iron Sheik is one of the greatest wrestling heels of all time.  This surprising, heartfelt, and engrossing documentary reveals him to be a likeable teddy bear of a man.  Throughout the film, we see his highs (in both senses of the word) and his lows, but the determination of the man shows through every step of the way.  

As a young man, Khosrow Vaziri was one of the top wrestlers in Iran.  When the Iranian champion dies under mysterious circumstances, it stinks of government assassination.  Fearing for his life, Vaziri skips to America where he becomes an Olympic wrestling coach before hooking up with wrestling legend Verne Gagne.  Using his Iranian heritage to play upon anti-Iranian sentiment in the ‘70s, Vaziri christens himself The Iron Sheik and becomes a legend of the ring.  

It is a testament to The Sheik’s legacy that so many wrestlers come up to him and pay homage during interview segments.  (The Rock reveals The Sheik used to babysit him.)  It’s quite amazing to see just how many careers he helped shape whether training them behind the scenes or giving them a boost by playing the heel.  It’s particularly nice seeing the usually hubristic Hulk Hogan acknowledging the fact that without The Sheik, there would be no Hulkamania. I’ll admit, seeing them hugging like brothers got me a bit misty-eyed. 

I’ve always felt a kinship with the heels, and that feeling is even more pronounced now I’m an adult.  It takes a lot of character to roll over and take a fall to promote the baby face (AKA:  “Good Guy”), especially when you’re as great of a heel as The Sheik and everyone in the arena wants you dead for real.  It’s even more of a badge of honor when you learn that Gagne offered The Sheik $100,000 to break Hogan’s leg in an effort to sabotage Vince McMahon’s fledgling WWF.  Even though his gimmick was pure heel, he was always a baby face at heart.

His career took a drastic nose dive when he was busted for drugs with “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.  What’s amazing about this is that the fans did not get upset that The Sheik was in possession of drugs, but that the heel and the baby face were riding in the same car together.  This incident is critiqued by many at the moment that shattered the illusion of “real” and “fake” wrestling.  As if they had to be mortal enemies in and out of the ring. 

From then on, his addictions to drugs and alcohol not only derail his career, but also threaten to push his family away.  Like most wrestling storylines, this is a tale of redemption.  After years of heading down a dark path, The Sheik reinvents himself into a social media phenomenon, making hilarious YouTube videos and becoming one of the most recognizable Twitter celebrities.  Today, he’s just as well known for his Twitter tirades as he is for his Camel Clutch.  I think there’s a lesson there for all of us.  

If you’ll indulge me, I must tell you my Iron Sheik story.  Back in the late ‘90s, I used to work on the boardwalk, and one night, while on my break, I went out to get a soda.  As I leaned down to get the Coke out of the machine, I heard a crowd of people chanting behind me and much to my surprise, there was The Iron Sheik strutting around waving the Iranian flag.  It was a surreal moment.  I soon found out he was just doing publicity for an indie wrestling show the next night.  As any wrestling fan would, I showed up, but I was perplexed that The Sheik was not on the card.  I just figured he got hurt or something and couldn’t attend.  The next evening, I went down to get another soda, and lo and behold, The Sheik was sitting on a bench.  No headdress, no flag, no crowd of people.  I approached him and he shook my hand.  I told him I missed him at the show the night before and he said, “Oh, I wasn’t wrestling, I was just promoting the show for my friends.”  I always thought that said a lot about the Sheik that he would use his name to help promote other, lesser-known acts.  If that isn’t was legends are made of, I don’t know what is.

CHEAP THRILLS (2014) *** ½

The Innkeepers’ Pat Healy and Sara Paxton are reunited for this surprising, wild, and highly entertaining flick.  Healy is an out of work mechanic with a mountain of debt who runs into an old friend (Ethan Embry) at a strip club who ekes out a living as a skeevy loan shark.  While hanging out, they get propositioned by a rich couple (David Koechner and Paxton) to do stupid dares for money.  As the monetary value goes up, the dares naturally get riskier.  They head back to the couple’s home where they notice a safe loaded with cash.  Embry decides to rip him off, which is about when all hell breaks loose.  

Co-written by Troma alum Trent Haaga, Cheap Thrills offers a good mix of hardboiled drama, crime comedy, and balls-out horror.  The way the social awkwardness escalates into flat-out savagery is often surprising and funny.  It’s a great social commentary on how far a cash-strapped working-class person will go to provide for their family, as well as how the rich delight in fucking around with poor people.  

The performances are uniformly great.  Healy has a nice Everyman quality about him, and you feel bad when he winds up way in over his head.  Embry (who’s quickly becoming the go-to guy for indie horror movies after Late Phases and The Devil’s Candy) is equally absorbing as the unscrupulous friend who eventually shows signs of a conscience.  Koechner is perfectly cast as the loudmouth asshole.  He has a knack of saying something disturbing, but playing it off like he’s joking (although you have the sinking suspicion he’s dead serious).  Paxton fares well as the blonde vixen who suggests there’s more to her seemingly vapid exterior.

Cheap Thrills is alternately darkly humorous and hair-raising.  Director E.L. Katz gets the most out of his talented cast and the minimal locations.  Situations have a way of unexpectedly blowing up or taking odd left turns, and Katz plays them up to the hilt.  The finale is especially powerful.  

In short, there’s nothing cheap about these thrills.