THE HUNTSMAN: WINTER’S WAR (2016) * ½

No one really asked for a sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman, but we got one anyway.  If anything, it gives Charlize Theron another chance to act vampy.  Too bad her appearances are limited to the beginning and end of the movie.

Like 300:  Rise of an Empire, The Huntsman:  Winter’s War is part prequel and part sequel.  The overlong prologue acts as an origin story of The Huntsman and the rest tells what happened after Snow White vanquished the evil queen played by Theron.  Emily Blunt plays Theron’s sister, who has the power to freeze people who piss her off.  After having her heart broken, she rules over her icy kingdom and tells her followers they can never love… or else she’ll freeze their ass.   Chris Hemsworth once again plays The Huntsman, who is a member of Blunt’s trusted guard.  He tries to keep his relationship with his childhood sweetheart (Jessica Chastain, who deserves better) a secret, but predictably, Blunt finds out about it and drives the two apart.  Years later, the untrusting lovers reunite to bring down the queen (who is now questing to find her sister’s magic mirror) once and for all.

The Huntsman:  Winter’s War is Universal’s attempt to get some of that Frozen money.  It’s based on the same Hans Christian Anderson story, “The Ice Queen” and contains some similar imagery to Frozen (like Blunt’s ice castle).  If the original felt like a fairy tale version of Braveheart with its overstuffed battle sequences, this one seems like a fairy tale X-Men with Blunt playing the Magneto-type villain who uses her powers to right an unspeakable wrong.

I like all the performers involved (including Liam Neeson as the narrator), but the movie itself is a chore to sit through.  As with the first film, the cast is trapped in a jumbled narrative and surrounded by chintzy special effects.  Chastain and Hemsworth seem aware they’re on a sinking ship and keep themselves amused by outdoing each other with their hilariously overdone Scottish accents.  

There is one standout scene when Blunt deceives the two lovers and cleverly drives them apart, along with a few fleeting moments of enjoyable stupidity (like Blunt riding on the back of a domesticated polar bear).  Everything else is thoroughly dull though.  That includes the finale, which feels like something out of a comic book movie with Blunt’s Iceman powers vs. Theron’s half-assed Venom black goop. 

Also, how can The Huntsman: Winter’s War be about an evil queen who has killer freezing powers that has a last-minute change of heart and saves the day in the name of love and her final scene ISN’T a close-up of a single tear running down her cheek and freezing?  WTF?  DO I HAVE TO THINK OF EVERYTHING, HOLLYWOOD? 

AKA:  The Huntsman and the Ice Queen.  

AMANDA BY NIGHT (1981) ** ½

Veronica Hart stars as a madam named Amanda who is trying to make enough money to leave her life of sex work behind.  She’s shocked and appalled when one of her girls (Lisa De Leeuw) is murdered by a twisted john.  Pretty soon, more hookers wind up dead, and the cop on the case (Robert Kerman from Cannibal Holocaust and Spider-Man) fears Amanda just might be the next victim.

Directed by Gary Graver, Amanda by Night features a routine plot and so-so sex scenes, and yet it somehow came to be regarded as a classic of its type.  Its best asset is Veronica Hart’s sterling performance as the vulnerable but sexy Amanda.  She does a terrific job and is really the only reason worth checking it out.    

The all-star porn cast helps too.  Hart and Kerman have a lot of chemistry together, and it’s fun seeing Ron Jeremy playing another sleazeball character.  Unfortunately, the usually electric Jamie Gillis is stuck playing a rather dull (for his standards anyway) pimp character.

The sex scenes kind of run hot-to-cold, but I did like the one sequence where Graver contrasts the extremes of the life of a sex worker.  By intercutting a guy’s first time with Amanda with the kinky S & M scene of two dominatrixes whipping a masked, bound john, it nicely shows the range of what these ladies of the night are asked to do. The rest of the scenes are a bit of a mixed bag, with the potentially steamy scene of Kerman and Hart banging on a boat hampered by the lack of a money shot.  

Even if it leaves something to be desired, Amanda by Night will remain required viewing for fans of the beautiful Hart.

STRAY CAT ROCK: BEAT ’71 (1971) **

Furiko (Meiko Kaji) takes a murder rap for her boyfriend and goes to jail.  She later breaks out of prison and mysteriously disappears soon after.  Her sister gets their loyal hippie gang to help track her down.  They learn her boyfriend’s father is the mayor, who vows to make trouble for the gang if his son’s guilt is ever found out.  The hippies also discover the mayor has kidnapped Furiko in order to keep her quiet while he publicly grooms his son to be his successor.  After the hippies are run out of town by the pro-mayor citizens, they return to bust out Furiko.

Beat ’71 is the fifth and final chapter in the Stray Cat Rock saga.  They didn’t have part 4, Machine Animal on Amazon Prime, but since all these movies are mediocre at best, I’m sure I’m not missing much.  I only watched this series because I’m a fan of Kaji.  Unfortunately, she is kept off screen for most of the picture and spends a lot of her time locked in a prison cell.  Most of the movie focuses on the ramshackle family of homeless drifters than Kaji’s plight, which was a miscalculation if you ask me.  The hippie heroes are colorful, but the dramatics of their situation never quite hit their intended mark.  Also, the carnage they create pales in comparison to the other gangs in previous entries of the series.  (At one point, they Krazy Glue a guy to a chair.)  

The finale, set in an Old West town, is memorable although it comes a day late and a dollar short.  We also get a funny porno shoot that provides some (sadly, all-too brief) nudity.  The best part though was the performance by a groovy acid rock band, The Mops during a demonstration in front of the mayor’s house.  That’s still not enough to make you want to adopt this Stray Cat.  

AKA:  Stray Cat Rock:  Crazy Rider '71.  AKA:  Stray Cat Rock:  Violent Showdown ’71.  AKA:  Alley Cat Rock:  Crazy Riders ’71.

SHE’S CRUSHED (2009) **

Ray (Henrik Norlen) helps the seemingly innocent Tara (Natalie Dickinson) with some heavy suitcases, blissfully unaware of the fact that she’s a psycho killer (and that her latest victim is inside the baggage).  She soon seduces Ray, becomes obsessed with him, starts following him, showing up to his work, and harassing him.  When he rebuffs her many advances, Tara takes to framing him for murder before kidnapping him.

She’s Crushed is the umpteenth variation of Fatal Attraction where a sexual indiscretion leads to head games, full-on stalking, and straight-up murder.  What makes this one a bit different is that we pretty much know she’s a psycho from the get-go from scenes of her torturing and murdering people early on.  In fact, the Torture Porn aspect helps this one stick out from the rest of the back, although the gore itself leaves something to be desired.

It also suffers from a low budget, so it looks fairly shoddy.  The attempts at atmosphere (they went overboard with the overly green lighting in Tara’s apartment) are a bit clunky too.  Because the gore looks kind of chintzy, the torture scenes (like the hand-in-the-garbage-disposal sequence) don’t have much of a kick.  

She’s Crushed remains watchable thanks to the not-bad performance by Dickinson, who makes for a credible psycho.  You’ve got to respect anyone who shaves her armpits with a Bowie knife.  She’s particularly funny during the scene where she confronts Norlen in front of his co-worker.  Norlen makes for an incredibly bland leading man though, and there’s no chemistry between him and Dickinson, which lessens the overall impact.  The backstory with him being a veteran is handled clumsily and adds little to his character.  Dickinson’s backstory (she suffers from sexual abuse from her demented father) works slightly better, but it doesn’t have a satisfying payoff to pull it all together.

AKA:  Crushed.

STRAY CAT ROCK: SEX HUNTER (1970) **

Mako (Meiko Kaji) and her all-girl gang go around accusing horny old men of sexual harassment and shake them down for money.  Meanwhile, fellow gang member Mari (Mari Koiso) falls for a biracial Coca-Cola salesman, which causes her gangster ex to become furious.  He and his gang jump her new beau, beat him within an inch of his life, and force him to get out of town.  After the gang goes around committing more hate crimes, Mako finally has enough and puts her foot down.

Like the other films in the Stray Cat Rock series, the plot meanders, and the pacing is sluggish.  There are more exploitation elements at work here, although they run contrary to the social messages to movie is trying to convey.  There’s a forced vasectomy via broken Coke bottle, some nudity in an opium den, and a “rape party” for rich businessmen.  This certainly ups the sleaze quotient, but it doesn’t necessarily make it “better”.     

Kaji sports a big hat similar to the one she’d later wear in the Female Prisoner Scorpion films, so at least she looks cool.  Like Wild Jumbo, she isn’t given much to do.  She kinda stands idly by for most of the movie.  Once she finally stands up for her girls and begins chucking Molotov cocktails (in Coca-Cola bottles to make the revenge sweeter) at the bad guys and sleazebags, the movie picks up a bit.   

Overall, this is only marginally more enjoyable than its two predecessors thanks to the gratuitous violence.  The big problem is the misleading title.  No one hunts for sex in this movie, which is a big disappointment, so I have to deduct mucho points for that.  The highlight for me was the musical performances by an all-girl pop group, Golden Half who sing a great song called, “Yellow Cherry”.

SHINING SEX (1977) **

Lina Romay stars as an exotic dancer named Cynthia who does the titular dance number, which is nothing more than her taking off her little chain mail bikini and rolling around on the floor naked.  She catches the eye of the older, experienced Alpha (Evelyne Scott) who invites her back to their home for kinky sex.  We eventually learn Alpha is a being from another dimension who is using Cynthia for sex to gain knowledge of our planet.  (That’s just fancy talk for saying she keeps her locked up and ravages her again and again.)  After a LOT of lovemaking, Alpha coats Cynthia in a mysterious shimmery substance that will kill anyone who has sex with her.  

After a strong start, Shining Sex starts to fall apart as it plods from one interchangeable sex scene to the other.  They contain all the unnecessary zooms, nonexistent editing, and undisciplined close-ups of female genitalia you’d expect from director Jess Franco (who has a supporting role as the wheelchair bound doctor who briefly looks after Cynthia).  Lina is lovely, gets naked a lot, and participates in some near-hardcore sex scenes.  However, the pacing is listless, the running time is insurmountable (it’s over 100 minutes), and the droning music on the soundtrack almost put me to sleep.  

Things get particularly dull in the third act.  It’s here where Scott makes Lina go to Africa to seduce and kill a man.  If the whole movie was just her getting naked, having sex, and killing people with her lethal pussy (it just looks like someone poured glitter over her crotch) it would’ve been okay.  Unfortunately, it takes 80 of the 100 minutes running time to get there. 

Still, I admire the way Franco can rent a hotel room, a wheelchair, a jar of glitter, some willing naked women, and crank out a movie with his cinematic trademarks/fetishes on proud display.  He does at least give us one legitimately steamy scene where Scott gives Lina an oil massage.  Some laughs can also be had from the fact that Lina’s dubbed voice makes her sound like Betty Boop.

The biggest laugh comes when Alpha’s slave tells Lina, “I was immunized a long time ago. I can still make love to you even though your vagina has been contaminated with this deadly matter.” 

ONCE UPON A TIME… IN HOLLYWOOD (2019) ****

Quentin Tarantino’s ninth film is one of the richest and most rewarding moviegoing experiences in quite some time.  After only one viewing, I’m still having trouble expressing just how impactful it is.  I plan to revisit it very soon and if and when I have more to offer at that time, I’m sure I will chime in with some new thoughts.  As for now, let me see if I can adequately convey just how much of a big deal this thing is to me.

On the surface, it’s a film about the bromance between actor Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio) and his best friend and stuntman Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt).  It’s February of 1969 and the alcoholic Rick is on his way down the Hollywood food chain.  He once was a leading man in pictures of varying quality, but now he’s reduced to being a villain of the week on episodic television.   He drinks too much and is overly hard on himself as he wonders if his glory days have passed him by.  Cliff is a once-great stuntman who is hopelessly devoted and loyal to his friend Rick.  The stories surrounding Cliff are the stuff of legend, but those stories have also isolated him from just about everyone in town BUT Rick. 

Unlike Rick, Cliff is happy where he is in his life.  He lives in a trailer while doting on his guard dog Brandy, seemingly at peace with himself and his past.  He’s just happy enough being Rick’s glorified assistant and chauffeur.  Whereas Rick is struggling to find himself, Cliff has it pretty much figured out.  Together, they are a perfect yin to the other’s yang.  One could assume they’d probably fall apart if they didn’t have the other to lean on.  

Rick’s neighbor is the lovely and famous Sharon Tate (Margot Robbie).  Even though he’s a household name himself, Rick still turns into a giddy fanboy at the prospect of living next door to a movie star.  To Rick, she embodies what it means to be a star.  

While Rick overcomes his own set of self-imposed mental demons on the set of his latest TV show, Cliff kills time taking a beautiful hitchhiker (Margaret Qualley) to the Spahn Ranch.  I’ll stop right there.  If you know your history, you might be able to guess how it might turn out.  Or maybe not if you remember Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. 

Tarantino is clearly in love with Hollywood in the late ‘60s and this is his love letter to that bygone era.  The way he weaves the minutia of the directors, movie stars, TV shows, commercials, trailers, and non-stop pop music of the time is downright magical.  Some may think the movie is too long, but I quite honestly didn’t want it to end.  I especially loved the scenes of Cliff driving around Hollywood blasting music.  The way Tarantino drops the music into the scenes via jump cuts, along with the long-gone scenery of Hollywood deftly gives you a feel of what was in the air at that time. 

The film really belongs to Leo and Brad.  I was a little nervous about DiCaprio in the lead as I found him to be sorely miscast in Tarantino’s Django Unchained.  However, he gives us a truly moving, full-bloodied, and believable portrait of a man stuck in a crisis of faith.  Not in God, but in himself.  His tortured, alcoholic tantrum in his trailer is some of the best acting he’s ever done.  He’s so wounded, sad, and honest in the scene where he describes a book he’s reading that it had me choking up.  

On the other side of the coin, Pitt is all unfettered id and gleeful delight as Cliff.  I never thought he’d be able to top Tyler Durden, but Cliff Booth comes awful close.  He’s quite possibly the best friend you could ever hope for.  He’s so easygoing and carefree… until he’s not.  Then, just be glad he’s on your side.

The film is terrific when it’s contrasting the lives of the two buddies, however, Tate’s character though mostly peripheral, is equally important.  She’s there to remind us that movie stars are people too as she is quite literally the girl next door.  Robbie is particularly winning in the scene when she goes to a movie theater and talks her way past the girl in the ticket booth into letting her see her own movie without paying.  Yes, she’s glamourous and beautiful, but look at the way she watches the audience’s reaction to her film.  The way she gets a kick out of seeing them enjoy her work.  She just wants to entertain.  

Once Upon a Time follows in the hallowed tradition of Tarantino characters who are struggling actors and/or stunt people.  Like Dick Richie in True Romance, Mia Wallace in Pulp Fiction, and Zoe Bell in Death Proof, the characters in this movie love to talk about their latest roles and past work.  Tarantino clearly has an affinity for the struggling actors of Hollywood and the picture is a love letter to them as much as it is to the town itself.

On the action side of things, there are at least two fight scenes that are just simply incredible.  I wouldn’t dream of spoiling either of them but allow me to say that the finale may be my favorite thing Tarantino has ever done.  He pulls it back just a notch, so it’s not quite as over the top as Basterds, and in doing so hits an entirely different and compelling note.  It’s still hilarious and gory as hell though.  I loved it.  Not to mention the fact that Pitt is devastatingly funny in it.

Tarantino also gets an intense amount of suspense out of the scene when Cliff goes to the ranch.  Not only is this scene a crackerjack sequence of tightly wound tension, it serves as the main theme of the movie.  Cliff is an old school stuntman whose way of life is kind of on its way out.  The hippies that have taken up residence at the western ranch represent the younger generation.  The not-so certain future.  Seeing the western setting overrun by dirty hippies is the perfect metaphor for the next generation taking over and making the once great landscape their own.  It’s kind of a western in that respect with Stuntmen being Cowboys and Hippie Cultists the substitute for the Indians.

It’s also a Hangout Movie as Rick and Cliff buddy around for most of the running time.  Some may be left cold by the lack of an A-to-B-to-C plot, but that is what was kind of refreshing.  Here, the characters’ interactions inform the plot and not the other way around. It’s also a film about The Last Good Time.   The Nostalgia Monster.  How we often look back to the crest of the wave and remember things being great, even when they didn’t always seem that way.  Even the low points didn’t seem so bad.  Then of course, once the shit hits the fan, nothing was ever the same again. 

This is a special movie in more ways than I can count.  I probably didn’t do it the justice it deserves.  It’s a film that demands your attention.  I think everyone will walk away wanting to be more like Cliff while feeling that pang of recognition that there is more Rick in them than they’d care to admit.