FAST AND FURIOUS PRESENTS: HOBBS AND SHAW (2019) ***

As a general rule, the further the Fast and the Furious movies get away from the whole car racing angle, the better they usually are.  Fast and Furious Presents:  Hobbs and Shaw puts that rule to the test as several junctures, but it remains a fun, popcorn-friendly, braindead summer movie throughout.  

Hobbs (The Rock) and Shaw (Jason Statham) are paired together to stop a superhuman, scientifically-upgraded villain (Idris Elba) from stealing a lethal virus that could potentially wipe out the entire planet.  Shaw’s spy sister (Vanessa Kirby) winds up injecting herself with the virus in order to keep his mitts off the deadly superbug.  It’s then up to the two mismatched musclebound macho men to put their differences aside and save the world.  

This is technically a spin-off to the main franchise, so it plays a lot looser and fast (and furiouser) with the laws of reality than the other movies (which is really saying something).  I’m all for outlandish foolishness in these films, but even I was rolling my eyes at some of this nonsense.  At some point, the flick just settles into a routine of Elba trying to catch The Rock and Statham, only to have them slip out of his fingers because of one highly improbable shenanigan or the other.  Since our heroes never get hurt or are in any real danger of death, it winds up feeling like a Road Runner cartoon after a while with Elba playing the constantly stymied Coyote whose elaborate plans are perpetually foiled.  

Director David (Deadpool 2) Leitch does a fine job with the action and keeps the chases, fight scenes, and ludicrous set pieces coming at a pace that is… well… fast and furious.  Too bad that much of it feels like you’re watching a video game.  Not to mention the fact that the “plot” stuff mostly consists of exposition dumps that could’ve come out of a video game’s cut scenes.  

Despite that, the stars are in fine form.  Even when the action gets repetitive and the film… ahem… spins its wheels, it remains breezy fun, especially when they’re busting each other’s balls (which is quite often).  The gratuitous “guest star” cameos provide a few laughs, but make the movie feel more Cannonball Run than Smokey and the Bandit.  That’s not exactly a bad thing.  I guess it all just depends on what you want out of your Fast and Furious flick.  If you want mindless mayhem, Hobbs and Shaw delivers.

NIGHT OF THE COBRA WOMAN (1972) ** ½

A rare species of snake bites Marlene Clark and turns her into eternally young vixen.  She then uses her new powers to get revenge on the soldier (Vic Diaz) who raped her best friend.  She seduces him and her venomous sex organs causes his body to “rot”, which turns him into a bug-eyed hunchback imbecile.  The awesomely named Joy Bang comes to the Philippines to study the mythical snake and freaks out when she sees Diaz.  Joy calls her boyfriend (Stan Duff) and he has to fly all the way to Manila to keep her safe.  While out and about, Stan gets bitten by the snake and Clark nurses him back to health.  Clark soon gets the hots for Joy’s man and sets out to drive them apart.   She commands her trusty snake to kill Joy, but luckily Joy brought along her pet eagle to defend her.  Marlene eventually seduces Joy’s boyfriend and her snake-ified snatch “sucks the years out of him”.  To keep him from turning old, she runs around seducing more men to extract the vital juices necessary to prolong his life.

Night of the Cobra Woman kind of plays like a grimy Pilipino version of an old Universal jungle horror movie, complete with lap dissolve transformation scenes.  (Clark’s silly painted-on snake eyes are good for a laugh.)  It was produced by Roger Corman, who of course threw a little skin in there just to keep things lively enough during the dull stretches.  The film is at its best during the extended scenes of Clark going around banging dudes to keep Duff young.  Eventually, he comes running back to Joy, much to her chagrin.  Sure, some parts of the film are kind of dull, but I promise you, the scene where Clark catches him cheating on her while she’s in cobra form is priceless. 

Joy is fun as clueless dolt who loses her man to the snake goddess.  Clark is sultry and carries the movie through the rougher patches on her charisma alone.  She also earns a place in movie history for being the first actress to show some skin and SHED some skin in the same scene.  The best performance though comes from Diaz, the Pilipino Brando.  His antics are good for a laugh, but the inappropriately whimsical music that plays when he’s hopping around is hilarious.  (It sounds like something out of a Disney movie.) 

Sure, Night of the Cobra Woman plods along during some stretches, which makes the 76-minute running time feel a lot longer.  However, other bits (like when Clark is seducing her victims) are pure cheesy fun.  I can’t quite recommend it, but this Cobra Woman has its charms. 

AKA:  Cobra Woman.  Movini’s Venom.

JAILHOUSE GIRLS (1984) ** ½

Ginger Lynn desperately wants to be a fashion model, but pays the bills working the front desk at a sleazy motel.  Unbeknownst to her, prostitutes operate out of the rooms, and when the cops raid the place, they haul the innocent Ginger off to jail.  Once there, the sleazy guards and horny warden (played by Paul Thomas) all want to fuck Ginger (and who can blame them).  Eventually, Ginger says enough is enough and begins to plot her escape.

Director Henri Pachard’s Jailhouse Girls is mostly entertaining, although discerning fans of the Women in Prison may be left a little cold.  Sure, it’s full of all the usual Women in Prison clichés, such as prisoners being subjected to strip searches, delousing, and showers, all with the added allure of hardcore penetration.  However, many of the scenes of the guards and/or warden using the prisoners for their own sick desires aren’t depraved as they could’ve been (like when Thomas takes problem prisoners to “The Tower” to be fucked by the matron while he watches) as it sorely lacks the sleaze you’d hope to see in your typical (softcore) WIP movie.  Then again, it’s hardcore, so there’s that. 

Despite being a XXX picture, the scenes themselves vary in steaminess.  While the majority of the sex scenes are tepid, the sequence where Ginger and Raven partake in some saucy scissoring is a real scorcher.  The scene where Joey Silvera bangs Ginger on the bus on the way to prison is pretty decent too and Taija Rae makes a memorable impression in her all-too brief cheerleader themed scene.  

In the end, Jailhouse Girls stops short of being a great Women in Prison movie, mostly because of its unwillingness to push the envelope.  It’s almost as if Pachard thought having the hardcore was enough.  As a XXX flick, it probably has too much plot that gets in the way of the action.  Not to mention the fact that it probably needed one more scene equal to the Ginger/Raven sequence to make it a breakout success.

THE HAPPINESS OF THE KATAKURIS (2001) ***

I kind of run hot-to-cold on Takashi Miike’s work.  For every masterpiece like Audition there’s more than a few wildly uneven Dead or Alives.  That said, the motto of The Video Vacuum has always been quantity over quality, and since few directors embody this philosophy like Miike, I always look forward to his films.  In 2001, he made no less than seven features including the badass Ichi the Killer.  It was in that year he made this jaw-dropper of a flick. 

The film kicks off with some of the best stop-motion animation I’ve seen in recent memory.  A little creepy Cupid-looking guy rips out a girl’s uvula before taking off on an unexpected series of misadventures.  The focus then switches to a family of oddballs who have turned their home into an inn.  Trouble is, no one stays there anymore which is causing friction between the family.  When their first guest in forever commits suicide, the family conspires to hide the body in fear publicity would further damage business.  More customers wind up at the hotel and suffer from similarly quirky deaths, leading to more cover-ups. 

Oh, and did I mention it’s a musical???

Personally, I kind of wish there had been more stop-motion animation sequences.  The weirdo Cupid dude is genuinely cool, but he disappears after the first scene, which is disappointing.  The other stop-motion animated scenes that are sprinkled throughout are charming, although they lack the unbridled glee of the opening.  

The core of the story is sound though, and the humor is appropriately pitch black.  The songs are surprisingly amusing too, which helps to make it a winner.  Did it really need to be nearly two hours long?  Absolutely not.  Still, there are plenty of WTF moments to be had to ensure lovers of out-there cinema will find happiness from the Katakuris.  

12 ROUNDS 2: RELOADED (2013) *

12 Rounds was a decent WWE action movie that proved to be a better showcase for its director (Renny Harlin) than the WWE superstar it was supposed to be promoting (John Cena).  This unrelated sequel piqued my interested because it was directed by Roel Reine, a prolific director of enjoyable DTV action sequels.  In fact, many of his films manage to eclipse (or at the very least, honor) their higher-budgeted predecessors.  I’m sad to report that 12 Rounds 2:  Reloaded is the first one of his films I’ve seen that just flat out sucks. 

Randy Orton stars as an EMT who administers first aid at the scene of a car accident while off duty.  One year later, he gets a mysterious call from an unknown caller who forces him to jump through various (twelve to be precise) hoops all over the city or run the risk of being blown up.  If you haven’t already guessed, the mastermind behind it all is seeking retribution for Orton’s actions in the opening scene.

Done right, the premise could’ve worked.  It’s just that there’s very little drive here to keep you invested.  It’s hard to care about the villain’s predictable plight and Orton’s character is so thinly sketched that it becomes nearly impossible to root for him.  It’s also incredibly skimpy when it comes to action, which is the big problem.  The shootouts and car chases are few and far between and seem like small potatoes compared to the original’s set pieces (and most of Reine’s films to be honest).   The finale is particularly lame, but the ultimate kiss of death is that it’s just plain boring.

The good news, Reine and Orton fared much better with their next outing, the unabashedly fun The Condemned 2.

SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK (2019) ****

If you were a child of the ‘80s like me, you probably grew up reading the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark series by Alvin Schwartz.  The stories themselves were scary, but those illustrations by Stephen Gammell were the true stuff of nightmares.  The series holds a special place in my heart as it was one of my major gateways into the horror genre. 

Part of the fun of parenting is sharing the stuff you loved as a kid with your child.  Because of that, my daughter loves the books as much as I did as a kid.  I’m so happy we got to share this fun, atmospheric, and most of all… SCARY film adaptation.  If you’re a fan of the old books (or just the horror genre itself), you’re going to love seeing these timeless tales updated and reimagined for a new generation.

The plot is kind of like the recent Goosebumps movie as it revolves around a haunted book.  Unlike that movie, the monsters are legitimately scary, or at the very least creepy.  One thing I loved about the film was that it stuck to the tried and true adage of a horror movie:  If you’re stupid enough to go into the local haunted house, you deserve what you get.  Especially these kids who read stories that are written in blood from the haunted tome.  They even make sure the heartless bully gets it worst of all.  In fact, he gets it so bad you might even feel a bit bad for him.  I know he deserves his comeuppance, but he didn’t deserve… THAT.  It’s seriously the creepiest thing I’ve seen in a PG-13 movie.

You know how some movies are just attuned to your wavelength?  That’s Scary Stories in a nutshell.  Not only was it based off one of my favorite book series, it’s chockfull of scenes of characters doing things like reading horror mags while Donovan’s “Season of the Witch plays, or trick or treating while “Quick Joey Small” blares from a radio, or hitting up a drive-in to see Night of the Living Dead… and that’s just the set-up before the stories even begin!  How could I not love it?

Is it a bit long?  Does it contain yet another predictable “The Ghost isn’t Bad, She’s Just Acting Out Because of an Unspeakable Wrong Done to Her” plotline, which now come standard issue in movies from producer Guillermo Del Toro?  Well, yes and yes, but it hardly matters in the long run.  When I think back to Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, will I think about its running time?  Nope.  That’s because the sounds of giddy nervous laughter coming from my daughter during the scarecrow scene will stick with me the rest of my days.  What more could a horror fan (or a father) ask for?

SECRET IN THEIR EYES (2015) ****

Chiwetel Ejiofor, Julia Roberts, and Nicole Kidman star as three anti-terrorist agents who discover the body of a rape victim that turns out to be the daughter of one of their own.  The suspect is guilty as sin, but since he’s a valuable snitch, the department deems protecting his information as more important than allowing justice to prevail.  The tight-knit cops then proceed to twist the law to see justice served. 

Despite the all-star cast, Secret in Their Eyes kind of came and went with very little fanfare.  Because of that, I wasn’t expecting a whole lot.  Those lowered expectations probably helped because I wasn’t expecting a total gut-punch of a movie.

The film is anchored by a devastating performance by Roberts.  She completely disappears into the role and delivers a brave, honest, and raw performance.  She pairs nicely with Kidman and the two have a lot of chemistry together, which will make you wonder why they waited so long to team up.  Ejiofor also does an excellent job as the dogged, desperate detective willing to bend the rules no matter the cost. 

Secret in Their Eyes is extremely well-plotted and unfolds like a fine novel, drifting back and forth seamlessly between the past and present. Director Billy (Shattered Glass) Ray doles out vital plot breadcrumbs sparingly and in such a way that it not only propels the story but enriches the characters at the same time.  There are plenty of surprises along the way too.  In fact, there’s maybe one twist too many as Ray pulls the rug out from the audience so many times that by the end of the movie, he’s practically ripping up the floorboards.  Then again, this is the guy who wrote Color of Night, so of course he’s gonna pull out all the stops in the final reel.  Even then. it never quite goes off the rails as the film is still able to hit all the important emotional beats before leaving the audience dizzy with all the crazy twists.