THE AFTERMATH (1982) * ½

Steve Barkett did it all in The Aftermath.  He wrote it.  Produced it.  Edited it.  Directed it.  Said, “Hey, you know who would look GREAT shirtless on the video box?  Me!”  Yep, he did that too, although I kind of wish he didn’t.  

Steve stars as Newman, an astronaut who returns to Earth from a deep space mission to find the apocalypse has occurred.  (This is also known as “Pulling a Heston”.)  He goes to a museum ran by “The Curator” (Forrest J. Ackerman, in what was probably his biggest role) and gets the lowdown on what happened while he was away.  Meanwhile, the vile Cutter (Sid Haig) and his buddies have been going around killing men and raping women.  Newman befriends a young boy (Christopher Barkett, one of countless Barketts to be found among the credits as nepotism ran rampant behind the scenes of this one) and a refugee from Cutter’s prison named Sarah (Lynne Margulies) and the three form a half-assed post-nuclear family.  Things take a turn for the Death Wish in the third act when Cutter and his men kill Sarah, prompting Newman to wage a one-man war on Cutter’s compound.

The Aftermath was a vanity project for the decidedly not-movie-star-handsome Barkett.  Not only did he give his family members plum roles behind and in front of the camera, he also gave himself a completely gratuitous love scene with the topless female lead.  Maybe I got to look into this movie business thing for myself.   

Clumsy and awkward in nearly every regard; cheap and crappy on just about all fronts, The Aftermath is a jaw-dropper if nothing else.  Too crude to have charm and mostly too unpleasant to be considered “fun”, it nevertheless has an unmistakable… something about it.  Let me put it to you this way.  When I was watching it, I just wanted it to end.  Now that I have some distance from it, I want to show it to others just to see their reactions. 

The opening sequence has some of the worst spaceship effects I’ve ever seen.  Seriously, Ed Wood would’ve rejected a few of these shots for looking phony.  The shots depicting the nuclear fallout in the city work much better though, although some of them are overused. 

Sid curiously underplays his villain role.  While he perks up the movie somewhat, he never quite goes for broke.  The best scene is when Ackerman walks around the dinosaur sculptures while giving a tour of his museum.  I mean, you know you’re in trouble when Forrest J. Ackerman gives the best performance of the movie.  

As for the action, it’s amateurish, slapdash, and mostly weighted toward the end.  Until then, it’s kind of like watching paint dry.  At least with paint there’s a possibility you could get high off the fumes. 

AKA:  Nuclear Aftermath.  AKA:  Zombie Aftermath.

THE FOUNDER (2017) *** ½

Like it or not, the story of McDonald’s is the story of America.  Both began with great ideas, wholesome ideals, and spectacular innovation, all of which got perverted along the way by greed, ego, and a business-as-usual mentality.  You either eat the clown or the clown eats you.  

Ray Kroc (Michael Keaton) finds McDonald’s hamburger stand like an oasis in the desert.  He loves their “fast food” system and wants to take the idea and expand it nationally.  His impassioned speech moves the unmovable McDonald brothers (Nick Offerman and John Carroll Lynch) and they grudgingly allow him to franchise the restaurant.  As Kroc’s ever-reaching lust for expansion grows, his vision begins to run against the grain of the brothers’ core beliefs, causing friction between the three men.

The film is anchored by a powerhouse performance by Keaton, one of his best.  Even as he’s stealing the brothers’ company out from under them, you can’t help but get swept up in his fervor.  The scene where he equates the Golden Arches with church crosses and courthouse flags as a symbol where Americans gather works not only as a potential Oscar soundbite, but as hamburger propaganda as well. 

I think it’s also a little ironic how Kroc gets into the burger business.  In the early scenes we see him becoming grouchy when it takes forever for a carhop to get him his food.  Later, he’s upset when they get his order wrong.  It’s funny how the movie makes you think that somehow McDonald’s is above all this.  I can’t tell you how many times I had to wait for my food at McDonald’s and then after all that time, they got it wrong.  But I digress.

If there is a gripe, is that the only real takeaway here is that business (like war) is hell.  Or maybe the filmmakers want you to remember Kroc’s backstabbing ways the next time you bite into one of their hamburgers.  Either way, it doesn’t lessen the enjoyment of the film. 

JUKE JOINT (1947) **

Before finding fame playing Andy on the old Amos n’ Andy Show, Spencer Williams directed a dozen movies in the ‘40s specifically for black audiences.  These “race films” as they were called, may be a little creaky and cringey to today’s audiences, but they are an important history lesson.  While most African-American actors were reduced to servant roles in mainstream pictures at the time, these pictures were able to showcase their talent in major roles in front of and behind the camera.

Williams stars as Bad News Johnson, a conman who rolls into a southern town with his best friend Corn Bread Green (July Jones).  Bad News passes himself off as a big-time theatrical actor and cons Louella (Inez Newell) into giving them free room and board in exchange for giving her daughter Honey Dew (Dauphine Moore) “acting lessons”.  After Bad News helps Honey Dew win a local beauty pageant, she discovers her younger sister Florida (Katherine Moore) is going to run off with a man to Chicago.  That’s when Louella shows up to raise hell. 

Juke Joint is less than an hour long, but it feels a lot longer than that.  Williams gets a few funny lines, but the cinematography and editing is rudimentary at best.  Potentially humorous scenes dawdle and fizzle out mostly due to the static camerawork and undisciplined editing.  Also, there’s no real resolution in the last act as the movie just kind of comes to an end.  Still, Williams’ performance keeps it watchable. 

Naturally, Williams gets the best line of the movie when he tells Jones, “You’re so dumb you think Veronica Lake is a summer resort!”

THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES 6 (1999) ** ½

Antonio Passolini (who wrote the third and fourth entries in the series) took over the directorial duties from the Dark brothers for this sixth and final installment in the Devil in Miss Jones franchise.  Stacy Valentine inherits the role from Juli Ashton (who appears playing a different character) and she is perfectly cast, as her girl next door quality is ideal for a ‘90s version of Miss Jones.  As with Part 5, it’s much more of a porno than a “real” movie, and while the sex scenes are hit-and-miss, it remains a watchable affair.

Scott (A Christmas Story) Schwartz goes off to work, leaving his wife (Anita Cannibal) alone in their trailer.  Before long, two dudes show up and bang her double-vaginally.  Then, the plot begins.  

Miss Jones (Valentine) is upset that her boring husband (Randy Spears) would rather sit around trying to summon a succubus than hop into bed with her.  She then runs off dressed as Little Red Riding Hood and is banged by “The Bee Keeper” (Steve Hatcher).  When Miss Jones accidentally conjures up a pair of succubuses (Nikita and Vicca), they go on a rampage, seducing and destroying anyone who crosses their path.  Perturbed, the devil (Tina Tyler) comes to Earth and she and Miss Jones try to send the she-demons back to Hell.

There’s a strange scene where the devil wants to order a pizza so she can bang the delivery boy.  Then there’s a short intermission and she and Miss Jones proceed to… bang two guys wearing luchadore masks in a wrestling ring?  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a sucker for an El Santo themed XXX scene, but why have the pizza boy set-up and then not... pardon the pun… deliver? 

Also, the use of condoms in every single one of the sex scenes is a bit distracting.  Yes, I’m all for keeping our performers safe and free of disease.  However, in the context of the movie, it makes no sense.  I mean you’re banging a succubus who’s going to take your soul to Hell.  Compared to that, a case of the clap doesn’t seem all that bad.

If you’re a fan of Valentine, The Devil in Miss Jones 6 should fit the bill as she gets a handful of steamy scenes.  It’s Ashton who steals the movie though, playing a sexy S & M nurse named “Nurse Ratchet”.  She only gets one scene unfortunately, a bondage three-way, but it’s a real showstopper.

A remake of the original appeared six years later.

3 FROM HELL (2019) ****

I didn’t know Rob Zombie still had it in him.  After two mediocre Halloween movies, the interesting but flawed Lords of Salem, and the forgettable 31, I wasn’t sure he’d be able to dust off his beloved House of 1000 Corpses franchise and give it another go.  Turns out, it’s not only his best film as a director, but one of the best movies of the year.

3 from Hell finds Zombie flipping through various grindhouse genres like a goddamn madman.  If The Lords of Salem was his version of The Shining, this is his Kill Bill as he checks off scenes, extended sequences, and whole acts that riff on some of your favorite classics.  It begins as a Faces of Death-style Mondo documentary before turning into a Women in Prison picture, then morphs into a Home Invasion thriller before becoming The Wild Bunch vs. the Luchadores.  Would it surprise you that there’s a moment that cribs from Eraserhead?  Probably not.  

If Conan Le Cilaire, Jess Franco, David Lynch, Robert A. Endelson, Sam Peckinpah, and Rene Cardona had a love child, it would look a lot like 3 from Hell… and I loved every fucking second of it.

It also happens to be one of the funniest movies of the year.  Like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, 3 from Hell is largely a hangout movie.  Of course, these three like to butcher the people they hangout with, but that’s besides the point.  

That’s the second time I’ve compared Zombie to Tarantino in this review.  Not surprisingly, it’s the way both men combine gruesome acts with flat-out hilarity that endear them both to me.  There is a scene involving a clown I will not spoil that offers one of the biggest laughs you’ll have all year.

The film also offers an interesting blend of Zombie’s previous cinematic styles.  The beginning captures the lived-in grungy flavor of House of 1000 Corpses before opening up to the nightmarish You Are There feeling of The Devil’s Rejects.  Seeing these characters inhabiting this world again is as warm and familiar as putting on your old favorite jacket.  You can tell Zombie is having as much fun catching up with these old characters again as we are.

The cast is uniformly great.  Again, not wanting to spoil anything, I will say that I loved every second Sid Haig was on screen.  I understand his health has been in decline in recent years, but another Haig performance as Captain Spalding, however brief is cause for celebration within the horror community.  Richard Brake is a fantastic addition to the cast.  He was easily the best thing about Zombie’s 31. and he is a natural fit and a welcome addition to the Firefly family.  Bill Moseley once again is aces as Otis, doubling down on the Manson mystique of the character and having the right amount of charisma and intensity to pull it off.  

The movie really belongs to Sheri Moon Zombie though.  If you loved her in Zombie’s previous films, you’ll be over the moon (no pun intended) with her in this one.  There’s a moment that is nothing more than her walking in slow motion to Suzi Quatro’s “The Wild One” that is flat-out mesmerizing.  As a fan of the character, the song, and the combination of the two, I can honestly say I would welcome a director’s cut that allows her to walk the full length of the song and in even slower motion and I would be able to die a happy man.

I’ve always had a theory that America’s tumultuous times have given rise to its greatest horror films.  Out of the Depression came the Universal monsters.  WWII spawned Godzilla.  The turbulent ‘60s gave birth to Night of the Living Dead.  I’d like to think 3 from Hell is a reflection of the madness we’re living in today.  Like those movies, it will be long discussed by horror fans and historians alike.  

In short, Rob Zombie is back, ladies and gentlemen.

BLACK BIKERS FROM HELL (1970) ***

Black Bikers from Hell kicks off with an incredible breathless motorcycle chase scene in which a young member of the Choppers, an all-black biker gang wants to make a name for himself.  He smashes the window of the leader of the rival white biker gang, Chainer (Des Roberts), who takes off after him in hot pursuit.  The chase is peppered with flashbacks that not only provides the audience with the characters’ motivation, it also delivers plenty of nudity, hilarious dialogue (“I’m a new shade of black!”), and biker clichés, adding to the overall awesomeness of the scene.  The sequence culminates in spectacular fashion, leading to more problems between the two gangs.  

I wish I could say the second act was just as good, but it’s mostly nothing more than a collection of wild biker parties, brawls, and long montages of the gang riding their hogs.  

Despite the title, the main focus is on the white bikers.  The Choppers really aren’t given much to do after the first scene until the last act or so.  Also, there’s a pair of biker-hating cops who are referred to as “The Black Angels”, even though they’re lily-white. 

Whenever the movie tries to make some social commentary it comes off pretty clumsy. (“This country.  A white man can’t have a decent fight with a black man without everybody saying it’s racial!”)  It’s awkward, but hey, at least the filmmakers tried. 

While the film kind of stumbles and sputters during the middle section, the awesome finale is every bit as good as the whiz-bang opening.  There’s a big plot twist, an all-out biker rumble, a bobcat attack (!!!), AND more than one character is felled by poisonous snakes.  Sure, it’s all wildly uneven, but whenever Black Bikers from Hell is revving its WTF engine, it’s damn good times.

AKA:  Black Angels.

A BETTER WAY TO DIE (2000) *

A drug bust goes wrong, causing a young undercover cop named Boomer (Scott Wiper) to quit the force.  He then goes on a road trip to propose to his estranged girlfriend (Natasha Henstridge).  While on the road, he gets mistaken for a guy named Harry who a lot of people want dead.  If he ever wants to see his girlfriend again, Boomer will have to avoid hit men, gangsters, dirty cops, and other assorted bad guys. 

Wiper starred, wrote, and directed A Better Way to Die.  In Hollywood, this is known as a “triple threat”.  On my couch, I was something of a triple threat too as I threatened to fall asleep three times while watching it.  

The big-name stars only have a few scenes and/or disappear for large chunks of the movie.  In addition to Henstridge, we have Lou Diamond Phillips as a drunk Fed, Joe Pantoliano as a one-armed detective, and Andre Braugher as a gay hitman.  Phillips is amusing but given very little to do.  I’d pretty much watch Pantoliano in anything, although his annoying performance really put that loyalty to the test.  While Braugher probably gives the best performance in the flick, he’s saddled with a bunch of long speeches about the importance of being a “professional” that have appeared in countless other similar ‘90s era hitmen films. 

A Better Way to Die spins from one shootout or confrontation to the other.  Most of these scenes are dawdling and go through the motions without much energy.  The action is poorly staged, and the humor rarely lands.  The ending is absolutely crummy too.

I will say this for Wiper.  He isn’t a particularly good writer, director, or actor, but he was smart enough to write and direct a love scene for himself and Natasha Henstridge.  So, I guess he’s OK in my book.

Wiper later went on to direct the WWE action movies The Condemned and The Marine 3:  Homefront.