GUARDING TESS (1994) **

Nicolas Cage stars as a Secret Service agent assigned to watch and protect a feisty former First Lady, played by Shirley MacLaine.  He’d rather be in the center of the action, guarding the sitting President instead of being cooped up in a mansion in Ohio acting like a glorified butler.  She’s a cantankerous old biddy who knows how to push his buttons.  He gets fed up with her bullshit, but since she can get on the phone and call the President and complain any time she wants, she holds all the cards.  Eventually, the pair form a mutual bond and Cage shows his true colors in a crisis when he rescues her from some half-assed kidnappers.

Directed by Hugh (Police Academy) Wilson, Guarding Tess is a sweet-natured dramedy that’s all fluff and no friction.  Cage refers to the film as part of his “Sunshine Trilogy” that also includes It Could Happen to You and Honeymoon in Vegas.  It’s easily the least entertaining, mostly because it’s the staidest of the three.  Even the odd kidnapping subplot that rears its head in the third act is much too pat and feels out of step with the rest of the flick.  It’s a solid premise and all, and it’s not particularly bad.  It’s just that it feels more like a movie your mom would watch on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Cage infuses the film with occasional Cagey theatrics, but for the most part, he comes across as solemn and a bit bored.  MacLaine plays yet another variation on her grouchy old lady routine, and only fleetingly shows signs of a much more interesting character.  Too bad the movie uses her more as a plot device rather than a character.  The two stars have a modicum of chemistry together, but unfortunately there’s no real fireworks between them.  At the end of the day, Guarding Tess is a pleasant, but forgettable, inessential Cage vehicle.

DETENTION (2012) ½ *

A killer from a horror movie called Cinderhella is stalking a group of annoying teens.  After a classmate is murdered at a party, the Principal (Dane Cook) sentences a bunch of kids to detention to find out who the killer is.  There, they construct a time-traveling bear (don’t ask) to stop the psycho.

Detention is one of the most ADD movies I’ve ever seen.  This thing is all over the place.  The constant barrage of on-screen text while characters are talking, rapid-fire editing, and scattershot plot are off-putting, gaudy, and irksome.  Director Joseph Kahn is mostly known for directing music videos.  While these techniques might have worked for a three-minute music video, it quickly gets annoying in a ninety-minute movie. 

It tries to be a spoof of horror films, offering non-stop meta commentary on the slasher and teenage comedy genres.  However, it’s nowhere near as clever as it thinks it is.  It’s especially telling that Detention is trying too hard when the characters namedrop pop culture references like Bronson Pinchot and the filmmakers have to put up an on-screen graphic to remind you who he is.  It’s almost as if they weren’t confident the audience would get the joke.  Also, joking about dark material such as teenage suicide can be humorous if you find the right tone.  This movie thinks it is just too cool for school (no pun intended), so all the black humor lands with a cringey thud.  

The constant use of text and graphics popping up on screen while the characters talk directly to the audience often make it feel like a feature length YouTube video.  The slasher scenes could’ve worked had Kahn picked a genre and stuck with it, but since the characters are all irritating, it really doesn’t matter to us if they live or die.  The dumb and unnecessary plot detours (like the guy who has a TV for a hand) further gunk up the works.  I think it was about the time when they introduced the Freaky Friday subplot late in the game that I started to mentally tap out.

Is there any way to prescribe a movie Adderall?  Detention truly needs it.  Maybe the film was specifically tailored to people with ADD and ADHD because I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.

SANTO VS. THE RIDERS OF TERROR (1970) **

A gang of lepers break out of a sanitarium, spreading terror throughout the west.  Or… I guess it would be south since it takes place in Mexico.  Anyway, some bandits stumble upon the lepers hiding in a cave and trick them into joining forces.  The befuddled sheriff eventually enlists the help of everyone’s favorite luchador, El Santo to stop the bandits and make sure the lepers receive proper medical treatment.

Unfortunately, El Santo doesn’t show up until about the twenty-five-minute mark.  Till then, you’re (pardon the pun) saddled with a lot of boring western subplots and low rent cowboy action.  The fact the villains are deformed lepers gives this entry a slight element of horror, but the special effects just make it look like they’ve got wads of chewed-up bubble gum stuck to their faces. 

Not only does Santo vs. the Riders of Terror suffer from a decided lack of the Silver Masked One, it’s painfully low on wrestling action.  There’s only one wrestling scene in the entire film, but it’s a pretty funny one.  A big bully challenges any man who can take him on and offers a cash reward to the winner.  After the oaf polishes off a few would-be wrestlers, El Santo hops in the ring and cleans his clock and gives the prize money to a trio of nuns. The shots of the nuns wildly cheering El Santo on is one of the best moments in the whole movie. 

While it’s fun seeing El Santo fighting in a wrestling ring set up in the middle of a western town (not to mention riding a horse), it’s just a shame you’ve got to sit through a lot of dull cowboy shit to get to it.  The worst El Santo movies deliberately keep him off the screen for big chunks at a time.  That certainly describes this one.  In fact, it sometimes feels like you could edit him out of the picture entirely as the sheriff does a lot of the leg work, especially early on.  

It also loses points for not letting El Santo ride off into the sunset while someone asks, “Who was that masked man?”  Then again, they might have for all I know.  The version I saw didn’t have any subtitles. 

Sure, much of Santo vs. the Riders of Terror is a slog, but it’s probably the best Mexican Wrestler vs. Cowboy Lepers movie I’ve ever seen. 

AKA:  The Lepers and Sex.

BUST OUT (1973) ***

Ric Lutze and Ralph Wain star as two escaped convicts who are on the run in the wilderness.  It just so happens a devoutly Christian couple (Myron Griffin and Candy Samples) are holding a Sunday school picnic with four nubile Catholic schoolgirls nearby.  While the group is partaking in Christian fellowship, Darlene (Rene Bond) slips out into the woods for some nude sunbathing and sex with her boyfriend (Steven Sommers).  The convicts eventually stumble upon the picnickers and ingratiate themselves by posing as geologists, and it doesn’t take long for them to get their “rocks off” with the horny Catholic schoolgirls.  Once the convicts are found out, the girls become more than willing accomplices and help imprison the couple and force them to give in to their captors’ lascivious demands.

Directed by John (Grave of the Vampire) Hayes, a director I always felt should’ve had a bigger following, Bust Out is a solid slice of ‘70s softcore exploitation.  Although he was working on an obviously shoestring budget, Hayes infuses the film with a lot of knowing humor, which makes it fun.  Hayes gets a lot of mileage from constantly cutting back and forth between the couple discussing Christian morals with the teenage girls’ cries of passion in the woods.  This often results in some pretty big laughs.  Even the forced sex scenes have an element of humor to them (like when the girls tie their mentor’s member to a rope to help him “get it up”).  

Rene Bond is the real reason to watch it.  Fans of outdoor sex scenes are in for a real treat as Bond has many hot scenes where she frolics in the woods wearing only knee-high red leather boots and a golden belly chain.  While she’s busy getting banged by her boyfriend in the woods, the other girls are off getting passed around by the horny convicts.  (The scenes of the girls bent over logs and getting plowed from behind are especially steamy.)  I only wish Candy Samples had more to do as she only gets to participate in one sex scene and keeps her clothes on for the majority of the film.

The print I saw was so jumpy that the final act is rendered pretty much incomprehensible.  I don’t know if there was a reel missing or what, but the convicts go from holding the couple hostage indoors to being dead on the ground outside within the span of a jump cut.  Even then, it only adds to the overall quirkiness and fun of the picture.

AKA:  Convicts Women.

FANTASM COMES AGAIN (1977) ** ½

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FANTASM (1976) ***

Before he directed the Ozploitation horror flicks Patrick and Road Games, Richard Franklin made this breezy, funny, and sexy softcore comedy.  The crew was split between Australia and Los Angeles, which meant Franklin was able to utilize a veritable who’s who of talent from the ‘70s American hardcore scene.  John Holmes, Rene Bond, Candy Samples, Uschi Digard, William Margold, and Serena all turn up at one point or another, which makes it a treat for fans of vintage smut.  

“The Wraparound Sequences” (*** ½) begin with a woman quietly pleasuring herself.  Then, a German shrink (John Bluthal) walks into her bedroom and begins addressing the audience (much to her confusion).  He informs us on the importance of opening up about our sexual fantasies instead of keeping them secret.  He then tells ten stories about ten different women and their sexual fantasies.  

“Beauty Parlor” (***) involves Dee Dee Levitt being pampered in a salon by three men.  This sequence is probably the least sexy of the bunch, but it’s not without its charms.  The slow build-up eventually leads to a nice payoff when Levitt climaxes while her nether region is being shaved.

The second segment, “Card Game” (*** ½) finds a married woman (Maria Arnold) getting sucked into a strip poker game with her husband and his friends (one of whom is William Margold).  Eventually, it turns into an all-out orgy.  This sequence delivers a nice balance of yearning and fulfillment, and Arnold does a fine job as the unsure wife who slowly lets down her guard and becomes increasingly uninhibited.   

Gretchen Gayle stars as a horny housewife in “Wearing the Pants” (****).  While daydreaming in her kitchen, she notices a pervert (Con Covert) stealing her undergarments from the clothesline and gets her revenge by using a strap-on on him.  This segment is just plain fun.  Most of that is credited to the drop-dead gorgeous Gayle who is clearly relishing playing the role of dominatrix.

“Nightmare Alley” (***) features Rene Bond fantasizing about being tied up and raped in a boxing ring.  Fans of “roughies” (and Bond) should enjoy this interracial scene.  However, it’s much too brief to deal with the psychological underpinnings inherent in her fantasy. 

The fifth story, “The Girls” (****) is the real centerpiece.  It involves Uschi Digard seducing a bookish woman (Marta Lutra) in a sauna.  Whereas the other sequences were fanciful, comical, or lurid, this one is just straight-up intensely erotic.  Franklin does a good job at showcasing the women and their contrasting body types (Lutra has a small, girlish figure while Digard is, of course, massively bosomed), which adds to the overall intensity.  I especially liked the coda when the two women are eventually engulfed in steam, making it a perfect capper on this mini-masterpiece of ‘70s erotica.  

John Holmes pops out of a swimming pool naked and rubs fruit on the naked body of a lonely housewife in “Fruit Salad” (** ½).  Despite his presence, it’s one of the weakest sequences in the bunch (unless you have a food fetish, that is).  While this segment is somewhat lacking, it’s the only one that features hardcore footage, albeit briefly (and underwater to boot).

“Mother’s Darling” (***) has Candy Samples’ son coming home from war and she rewards him with a hot bath.  The tone of this incestuous sequence is all over the place.  Her son goes from making disturbing confessions of the trauma he experienced in war to using a rubber ducky on his mother in a comical manner.  It doesn’t quite work, but Samples is sexy enough to make up for its shortcomings.  

“Black Velvet” (** ½) features a black hooker (Shayne) who sits three of her clients down on a bed and then does a striptease for them.  As she does so, she fantasizes about being a stripper on stage.  There really isn’t much going on in this segment, which feels kind of like filler compared to the more outrageous episodes, but it isn’t bad, all things considered.

Roxanne (Female Chauvinists) Brewer steals the show in “After School” (*** ½).  She plays a big-titted schoolgirl teasing her teacher (Al Ward), who gets so frustrated that he spanks her.  Brewer has a commanding screen presence and is super sexy in this sequence, which gives her an ample opportunity to show off her exquisite frame.

The final sequence is “Blood Orgy” (** ½).  It revolves around Serena being fucked and sacrificed on an altar by a Satanic cult.  Despite the prime set-up, it doesn’t go anywhere and is over much too quickly.  I did like the imaginative use of a candle though.

As with any anthology, Fantasm is pretty uneven.  However, Franklin, a disciple of Hitchcock, fills many of the segments with artsy touches that make them stick out.  Whether it’s a clever use of mirrors (as in the first sequence) or unique sexual positions (there’s a hot scene involving a rocking chair) or subtle camerawork (like in the dominatrix sequence), these little flourishes help to heighten the sexual atmosphere.  The wraparound sequences of the German shrink introducing each segment are also good for a few laughs, which adds to the fun.  Franklin’s eventual Hollywood output was a bit of a mixed bag, but this is probably the most blatantly fun movie he ever made (although you could definitely make a case for FX 2:  The Deadly Art of Illusion).

AKA:  World of Sexual Fantasy.

SANTO FACES DEATH (1969) **

The El Santo movies that don’t rely on fantastic elements are usually the toughest ones to sit through.  Santo Faces Death is no exception. The closest the flick comes to the horror-inspired silliness the series is known for is the shot of a poster outside an arena that promises El Santo will be fighting Dracula.  Unfortunately, neither of his opponents look anything close to the classic bloodsucker.  

The plot, such as it is, is rather dull.  It finds everyone’s favorite masked wrestler hunting emerald thieves.  The ringleader of the group is a shadowy figure who wears a large brimmed hat and keeps his face hidden until it’s time for the big reveal.  

Things kick off with what looks like a homemade version of The Dirty Dozen filmed in someone’s backyard.  This sequence looks incredibly cheap, and is sometimes laughable, which perfectly sets the tone for the rest of the film.  I did enjoy the reveal of the commanding officer, who turns out to be a sexy redhead, though.  

Sure, Santo Faces Death may be a dull and lackluster entry compared to his more bombastic outings, but at least there’s plenty of eye candy to go around.  Both the film’s nightclub performances feature alluring women, one dressed as harem girl, and the other as a sexy belly dancer.  Of the movie’s four wrestling sequences, two involve lady wrestlers.  In addition, two of the opponents get into a frenzied catfight in the dressing room after the match!  While none of these sequences are particularly stellar, they do add to the abundance of feisty females that dominate the picture.

Much of the film feels like it’s on autopilot though.  Many clichés from previous El Santo vehicles are recycled yet again.  (There’s yet another assassination attempt during a wrestling match.)  The scenes of El Santo hunting down his foes are hampered by a shitty score that’s painfully ill-fitting and helps deflate any of the tension.  The public domain library music is often repeated over and over and the Muzak version of “Sunny” feels really out of place. 

As you can see, the quality runs from shoddy to piss-poor, with the crummy camerawork and editing (or sometimes lack thereof) being the chief culprits.  It really bogs down in between the action sequences (which includes El Santo battling an evil double and getting involved in a fencing match) too.  Because of that, Santo Faces Death never quite gets itself into gear.  Still, if you ever wanted to see El Santo skydive, here’s your chance.