EAST MEETS WATTS (1974) **

Larry Chin (Alan Tang) travels from China to San Francisco to find the man who killed his wife.  Along the way, he crosses paths with a soul brother named Stud Brown (Timothy Brown) who’s being hassled by a racist cop (Aldo Ray) who handcuffs them together.  They give the cops (not to mention another assorted crop of racist shitkickers) the slip, get the cuffs off, and decide to work together to take down a local drug kingpin (James Hong).  

East Meets Watts is what you get when Al Adamson can’t make up his mind whether he wants to make a Kung Fu movie or a Blaxploitation actioner.  He splits the difference and tries to give both genres his own unique spin.  It’s obvious that the Kung Fu sequences are much more competent.  By “much more competent”, I mean they’re just as crummy as your typical low budget ‘70s chopsocky flick.  Still, there’s plenty of kicking, chopping, and nunchuck twirling to keep your interest.  We also get at least one memorable death when Tang rips a guy’s scalp off with his bare hands.  

The Blaxploitation elements are the weakest aspects of the movie, mostly because Adamson films the action so poorly.  Simple shootouts and chase scenes are rendered nearly incomprehensible thanks to the schizophrenic editing.  There’s also an unintentionally hilarious subplot involving a mute love interest (played by Carol Speed from The Mack) that will leave you howling.  

The scenes where our two heroes are cuffed together work well enough.  You almost wish they had spent the whole movie that way.  Think a Kung Fu version of The Defiant Ones.  (The Defiant Wongs?)  However, whenever they split up for their separate missions, the movie often spins its wheels.  Despite its shortcomings, I find it hard to completely dislike any film that features Aldo Ray AND James Hong, so it’s still worth watching not only for die-hard Kung Fu and Blaxploitation fans, but for connoisseurs of cult movie stars as well.

AKA:  Dynamite Brothers.  AKA:  Killing of a Chinese Bookie.  AKA:  Stud Brown.  AKA:  Main Street Women.  AKA:  Dynamite Brown.

THE YESTERDAY MACHINE (1965) **

A teenage couple break down on route to a football game.  On their way to a gas station, they cross through a wooded area with a posted “No Trespassing” sign.  The girl disappears into thin air and the boy is shot by, get this… Confederate soldiers!  A befuddled reporter and the missing girl’s lounge singing sister investigate and run smack into a Nazi plot to build a time machine.

The Yesterday Machine is just different enough from the norm to be memorable, but it’s not quite weird enough to be called “good”.  Things kick off with a memorably cheesy beginning featuring a cheerleader standing along the roadside and twirling her baton to a rock n’ roll beat.  The highlight though is the hilarious lounge number, “Leave Me Alone”, sung by Ann Pellegrino, one of the surliest performers I’ve ever heard.  This has got to be one of the most ridiculously pessimistic songs recorded on film.  This song alone is almost enough to make it recommended.  I don’t think Pellegrino has sung anything before or since.  She probably wanted to quit while she was ahead.

Unfortunately, whatever merits the film may have are canceled out by the sluggish pace.  It also suffers from a truly crappy villain.  Jack Herman, who plays the Nazi doctor, sounds like Ludwig von Drake and is about as menacing too.  Once he shows up, the whole thing gets bogged down with a lot of talky scenes of unending scientific gobbledygook.  Old time cowboy star Tim Holt gives the movie a shot of class as the police lieutenant on the trail of the Nazis, but the majority of the performers are amateurish at best.  

In short, if it wasn’t for “Leave Me Alone”, I doubt I would remember The Yesterday Machine tomorrow.

THE DEVIL’S DAUGHTER (1973) **

While attending the funeral of her estranged mother, Diane (Belinda J. Montgomery) bumps into Lilith (Shelley Winters), an old friend of the family.  Lilith invites Diane to stay in her home, and before she can even move in, the mute servant (Jonathan Frid) is trying to warn her something’s amiss.  Diane eventually figures out Lilith is some sort of Devil worshipper and gets out of there quickly.  When Diane meets the man of her dreams (Robert Foxworth), she forbids the ever-meddling Lilith to stay out of her affairs.  Too bad she was pretty much doomed from the start.

Poor Diane had to realize she was in danger right from the get-go.  I mean you know you’re in trouble when Shelley Winters invites you to stay at her house where there are devil paintings on the wall and Barnabus Collins is her mute servant.  If that doesn’t tell you that you’re trapped in a crappy Made for TV Rosemary’s Baby knockoff. directed by Jeannot Szwarc, I don’t know what will.

Written by Colin Higgins, who had just written Harold and Maude the previous year (and would go on to direct 9 to 5), The Devil’s Daughter follows the standard ‘70s Made for TV horror formula to a tee.  Something cool happens in the opening minutes to grab your attention, and then you have to wait until the last few minutes of the film for something equally compelling to occur.  Even when it finally happens, it’s wholly predictable and tame.  I guess that would’ve been an acceptable trade-off if everything in between hadn’t been such a slog. 

The supporting cast is strong though.  Diane Ladd makes a memorable impression as Diane’s ill-fated mother in the opening scene.  Joseph Cotten also does a fine job as the kindly old judge who probably isn’t all that kindly after all.  The funniest casting is Abe Vigoda as one of the Devil worshippers.  Not only do you get the hilarious visual of seeing Fish dressed in a black cultist robe, you get to hear him TRYING to do a Mexican accent, but he basically just sounds like Boris Karloff.  That alone makes The Devil’s Daughter almost worth watching. 

THE THIEF OF BAGDAD (1924) ***

Douglas Fairbanks stars as a miscreant thief who is content on picking pockets and living life like a complete scoundrel.  One day, he spies a fair princess (Julanne Johnston) and falls head over heels in love with her.  Wearing garments he’s stolen from the bazaar, the thief poses as a prince to win her hand, but is flogged publicly when his true identity is discovered.  Afterwards, a contest is held, and it is declared that the man who brings back the rarest treasure will take the princess as his bride.  The thief then goes off into the desert and faces various perils in order to find a precious treasure and prove his love. 

Fairbanks is a lot of fun to watch, especially while performing feats of derring-do and flashing his Cheshire Cat smile.  The real star though is production designer William Cameron Menzies who combines the lavish sets with the amazing costumes and the incredible special effects with eye-popping pizzazz.  Even when you can spot the seams in the matte work, the artistry needed to coordinate all those departments together (particularly for the time) is considerable.  One thing is for sure, there’s more imagination and old-fashioned movie magic on display in one given frame of this movie than many modern-day blockbusters have in their entirety. 

At 155 minutes, The Thief of Bagdad is really way too long for its own good. Things get particularly pokey during the middle section.  Once Fairbanks goes on his quest, the movie kicks into fourth gear and moves at dizzying speed.  In this stretch of the film, he fights a giant lizard, encounters a creepy looking tree man, and does battle with an enormous bat.  I think my favorite moment though was Fairbanks’ duel to the death with a vicious looking sea spider.  Too bad these scenes are rather fleeting and are quickly over before they can really begin, but monster movie fans are sure to love the creature designs.  The famous scenes of Fairbanks riding on a magic carpet pack a punch too.  

Despite the sometimes-overwhelming length, this Thief of Bagdad is a lot more fun that 1940 remake, which was co-directed by Menzies.

AKA:  The Thief of Bagdad:  An Arabian Nights Fantasy.

FINAL ROUND (1994) **

Lorenzo Lamas and his then-wife Kathleen Kinmont were the Bogey and Bacall of early ‘90s straight-to-video kickboxing movies.  This isn’t one of their finest hours, but it’s an acceptable time waster for fans who don’t mind unimaginative Most Dangerous Game variations.  After directing Lamas in three consecutive Snake Eater movies, George Erschbamer once again collaborated with Lamas for this flick.  Sadly, the touches of humor that made those films so much fun are used sparingly.  

A team of “Hunters” with cameras attached to their eyeballs chase unwilling contestants through an abandoned industrial complex while people around the world watch via satellite and bet on the outcome.  Kinmont is a spotter for the underground gambling corporation who picks Lamas to be the next contestant.  Naturally, Lamas bucks the odds as he takes out more and more Hunters.  Before long, people are placing bets on him to survive the game, which puts the livelihood of the corporation in jeopardy.

This was mostly a long slog, but there are one or two funny bits that kept it from being a total snoozer.  I highly enjoyed Lamas’ bar fight where he picks a guy up and sticks his head in a whirring ceiling fan.  He also gets a long Skinamax style sex scene with Kinmont that seemingly goes on forever.  My favorite moment was when a fellow contestant referred to the pair as “Sleazy and Cheesy”, causing Lamas to pause a moment and ask, “Wait, which one of us is ‘Cheesy’?”

Too bad the subplot that explores the business side of the underground gambling operation slows things down considerably.  Every time the film switches away from the action to focus on random phone operators taking bets or the head of the organization getting into a beef with his former underworld employer, it takes the wind out of its own sails.  Seeing the intricacies of the organization at work aren’t nearly as successful as the similar scenes in Hostel 2.  All they do is get in the way of the fun of seeing Lamas kickboxing and flambeeing dudes with cameras in their faces.  

At one point, Lamas says, “I think I’ve seen this movie before.”  You’ll probably feel the same way.  

Producer Robert Vince later went on to direct dozens of Air Bud movies.  

AKA:  Human Target.  

THE SEA WOLF (1993) ***

Cultured aristocrat Humphrey Van Weyden (Christopher Reeve) and pickpocket Flaxen Brewster (Catherine Mary Stewart) are the only survivors of a massive shipwreck.  After drifting a sea, they are eventually picked up by the crew of “The Ghost”, whose cruel captain Wolf Larsen (Charles Bronson) rules the ship with an iron fist.  He takes pleasure in putting the dandy Van Weyden to work as a cabin boy and delights in trying to break him both mentally and physically.  It’s then up to “Hump” to man up and outwit the captain at his own game aboard his own ship.

Based on the classic novel by Jack London and directed by Michael (Logan’s Run) Anderson, this made for TNT original is a solid effort all around.  If there is a drawback, it’s that it’s the kind of movie your dad (or grandfather) would watch.  The made for TV nature of the film also makes for an awfully tame adventure.  I’m sure it could be shown in English class without raising so much as an eyebrow.

For fans of Charles Bronson, this will be well worth watching as it’s easily one of his best latter-day performances.  He’s engaged, enraged, and commands the screen with ferocity.  Heck, he has more dialogue here than he did in the last three Death Wish movies combined.

Reeve makes for a good foil to Bronson’s embittered captain.  It’s fun seeing him slowly transform from aristocratic dandy to hardened seafarer and matching wits with the cunning captain who is a lot smarter (and more dangerous) than he lets on.  Marc Singer also fares well as a mutinous crew member, but unfortunately, Stewart doesn’t have much to do until the movie’s almost over.   

Bottom Line:  Even though the Made for TV budget hamstrings The Sea Wolf from really setting sail, it’s impossible to hate any movie in which Paul Kersey fights Superman while The Beastmaster looks on.

AKA:  Captain Larsen.

COSMOPOLIS (2012) *

Cosmopolis is David Cronenberg at his most basic.  It’s cold and detached, populated with characters that exhibit no feeling during sex, and even contains some body horror elements.  (In one scene, Robert Pattinson says, “My prostate is asymmetrical” with the same feeling as someone talking about the weather.)  Strip away the gooey special effects, warped sexual predilections, and psychological underpinnings of his best work, and I’m afraid all you’re left with is a stifling, self-loathing, and lethargic bore.  This is easily his all-time worst film. 

Pattinson stars as a billionaire who takes his high-tech limo to get a haircut.  There’s a lot going on in the city on that particular day.  The President is in town, a rapper’s funeral procession is going through, and there’s a big anarchist protest happening in the middle of the streets.  All this causes the limo to move at a crawl.  Because of that, he’s able to have several meetings with people inside the limo and even have lunch with his wife (Sarah Gadon) in a cafe and not miss a beat.  After several bizarre run-ins, the billionaire comes face to face with a disgruntled former employee (Paul Giamatti) who wants to kill him.

Cosmopolis is a lifeless, allegorical bore.  If you thought Pattinson looked half asleep in those Twilight movies, wait till you see him here.  There are times where you almost want to check his pulse.  There’s a scene late in the film where he asks his head of security to zap him with a taser so he can feel something.  I swear to God I never rooted for someone to be tasered so bad in my entire life.  Too bad the film is so inert that it can’t even deliver on that simple pleasure.  If his performance of a self-absorbed billionaire with lots of high-tech gadgets at his disposal is any indication, we are in serious trouble when that new Batman flick comes out.

Pattinson’s various run-ins with employees and lovers are long, dull, and interchangeable.  Even when it looks like something is going to finally happen in the climax, it doesn’t.  The finale confrontation with Giamatti goes on far too long and the ending is downright infuriating.

Gadon gets the best line of the movie when she suspects him of having an affair and says, “You reek of sexual discharge.”