COSMOPOLIS (2012) *

Cosmopolis is David Cronenberg at his most basic.  It’s cold and detached, populated with characters that exhibit no feeling during sex, and even contains some body horror elements.  (In one scene, Robert Pattinson says, “My prostate is asymmetrical” with the same feeling as someone talking about the weather.)  Strip away the gooey special effects, warped sexual predilections, and psychological underpinnings of his best work, and I’m afraid all you’re left with is a stifling, self-loathing, and lethargic bore.  This is easily his all-time worst film. 

Pattinson stars as a billionaire who takes his high-tech limo to get a haircut.  There’s a lot going on in the city on that particular day.  The President is in town, a rapper’s funeral procession is going through, and there’s a big anarchist protest happening in the middle of the streets.  All this causes the limo to move at a crawl.  Because of that, he’s able to have several meetings with people inside the limo and even have lunch with his wife (Sarah Gadon) in a cafe and not miss a beat.  After several bizarre run-ins, the billionaire comes face to face with a disgruntled former employee (Paul Giamatti) who wants to kill him.

Cosmopolis is a lifeless, allegorical bore.  If you thought Pattinson looked half asleep in those Twilight movies, wait till you see him here.  There are times where you almost want to check his pulse.  There’s a scene late in the film where he asks his head of security to zap him with a taser so he can feel something.  I swear to God I never rooted for someone to be tasered so bad in my entire life.  Too bad the film is so inert that it can’t even deliver on that simple pleasure.  If his performance of a self-absorbed billionaire with lots of high-tech gadgets at his disposal is any indication, we are in serious trouble when that new Batman flick comes out.

Pattinson’s various run-ins with employees and lovers are long, dull, and interchangeable.  Even when it looks like something is going to finally happen in the climax, it doesn’t.  The finale confrontation with Giamatti goes on far too long and the ending is downright infuriating.

Gadon gets the best line of the movie when she suspects him of having an affair and says, “You reek of sexual discharge.”