GODZILLA’S REVENGE (1969) **

Ichiro (Tomonori Yazaki) is a bullied latchkey kid who returns home from school and disappears into his own imaginary world.  There, he takes flight to Monster Island and watches Godzilla duke it out with some monsters, courtesy of stock footage from Son of Godzilla.  Ichiro falls into a hole, and Minya, the Son of Godzilla helps him out.  They quickly become chummy and watch more monster battles together. 

I’ve long had a theory about Godzilla.  It is my belief that his film career closely resembled Elvis Presley’s.  Early on, they were both wild, dangerous entities that were signals of the upheaval and change in the world around them.  About a decade into their run, their edge and mystique faded.  No longer a dark and scary force of nature, they became audience-friendly matinee idols and often wound up playing opposite cute kids.  Despite their latter-day shortcomings, I still maintain that any Godzilla or Elvis movie is still worth watching, just for the sheer fact that they’re in it.

Some would argue Godzilla’s Revenge is the nadir of the entire series because it is the most cloying, silly, and obvious cash-grab made at the kiddie market.  It features an annoying juvenile hero in too-tight shorts (who seems modeled on the Kenny character from the Gamera movies), relies heavily on stock footage, and runs a brisk 69 minutes.  While I agree that most of this is dumber than a bag of hammers, it does have a certain charm about it.  Say what you will about it; at least it’s not boring, like Godzilla vs. Monster Zero.  

The scenes on Monster Island are kind of fun, even if they mostly consist of recycled footage from Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster and Son of Godzilla.  The scenes of Ichiro and Minya palling around are cool in a kitschy way.  It’s the scenes that take place in the “real world” that are kind of the problem.  I know Godzilla movies aren’t exactly known for their “dramatic” scenes with actual human beings, but the stuff with the kid and his absentee parents is downright annoying.  The subplot about Ichiro getting mixed up with a gang of bank robbers is especially dire and the whole thing just kind of fizzles out in the end.

In the American dubbed version, Minya sounds like a cross between Goofy and George from Of Mice and Men.  (In the Japanese version, he sounds more childlike.)  The subtitled version does have the benefit of a hilarious theme song, so both versions have their merits.  Despite the cheapjack nature of the whole enterprise, this is far from the worst one in the series.  Not a ringing endorsement for sure, but the kids are sure to love it.

AKA:  All Monsters Attack.  AKA:  Minya:  Son of Godzilla.  AKA:  Godzilla:  All Monsters Attack.  AKA:  Godzilla, Minilla, Gabara:  All Monsters Attack.  AKA:  All Monsters on Parade.  AKA:  Attack All Monsters.  AKA:  Great Charge of All Monsters.

NAKED VENGEANCE (1985) *** ½

After her husband is killed by a mugger, former actress Carla Harris (Deborah Tranelli) moves back home with her folks to recuperate.  She quickly realizes that just about every man in town, from the gas station attendant to the gardener to the ice man, is a perv or a letch.  Carla takes her protests to the sheriff, who naturally does nothing.  One night, the guys get drunk and rowdy, and they band together to gang rape her.  When her parents come home unexpectedly, the men gun them down.  Carla has a mental break and is admitted to a hospital for observation but sneaks out of the facility to get revenge on the men who violated her and murdered her family. 

Directed by Video Vacuum Hall of Famer Cirio H. Santiago, Naked Vengeance plays like his version of I Spit on Your Grave.  He does a good job of aping that movie as there are variations on Grave’s gas station, castration, and motorboat scenes.  He even replicates the slow burn opening, although not quite as successfully. 

What makes it stand out is the fact that it’s more action oriented.  There are car chases, fight scenes, and the sequence where the woman-hating all-male posse take arms against Tranelli is a real showstopper.  The finale, an all-out, no holds barred battle between Tranelli and her final surviving attacker is a real doozy too and helps set Naked Vengeance apart from your average Rape n’ Revenge exploitation flick.  Tranelli’s performance also helps propel the film from being merely another I Spit on Your Grave imitator.  She’s quite good during her revenge scenes, calling men “BASTERD!” with lots of gusto.

The only real flaw is the Death Wish-inspired scenes with Tranelli’s murdered husband that bookend the film.  Although it’s satisfactorily wrapped up in the end, these scenes just kind of needlessly add to the already inflated running time.  That said, this is a solid effort through and through and another winner from Santiago.

AKA:  Vengeance.  AKA:  Mad End.  AKA:  Satin Vengeance.

THE BEAST AND THE MAGIC SWORD (1983) *** ½

The Beast and the Magic Sword was the tenth of Paul Naschy’s Waldemar Daninsky Werewolf movies.  Unlike the preceding films, it was a Spanish and Japanese co-production.  Working with a Japanese crew, Naschy was able to make something wholly unique and dreamlike; a picture that blows the other sequels out of the water in terms of craftsmanship.  It’s proof that with the right resources, he was a better storyteller than he’s usually given credit for.  It’s by far my favorite entry in the Waldemar saga.

It begins with a prologue (set in the tenth century) of how the Daninsky curse got started.  An evil witch stabs his pregnant wife in the belly with a wolf skull!  It’s a great sequence, and the terrific sets and costumes helps gives it a grand scale. 

Six centuries later, Waldemar (Naschy), his wife (Beatriz Escudaro), and a blind girl (Violeta Cela) flee their homeland to avoid capture by the Spanish Inquisition.  Together, they go to Japan to find Kian (Shigeru Amachi), a holy man who may hold the secret to curing Waldemar’s lycanthropic curse once and for all.  When Kian’s cure proves ineffective, Waldemar turns to an ostracized sorceress (Junko Asahina) for help.  Predictably, she double crosses him and sets out to use his curse to fuel her own treachery.   

The Beast and the Magic Sword is nearly two hours long.  It probably didn’t need to be that damn long, but you get the sense that Naschy, happy to have a large canvas to tell his Werewolf saga (for a change), was going to put as much on screen as his imagination could allow.  There are some pacing problems to be sure.  Cool prologue aside, it takes about a half-hour for Waldemar to get to Japan and finally turn into the werewolf.  However, when he does, it’s well-worth it.  The sequence in which he tears through a brothel and claims dozens of victims is a thing of blouse-ripping, neck-biting, bloodletting beauty.

I mean this movie has it all.  Spanish Inquisition dudes in hoods, werewolves, sexy sorceresses, samurai, topless assassins, Ninjas, disgusting nightmare sequences, and ghost samurai.  The film doesn’t just play like a checklist of cool shit either.  Perhaps it was working with a Japanese crew that gave the samurai sequences a sense of authenticity.  These scenes are very much seeped in traditional samurai cinema with themes of honor, loyalty, and betrayal running throughout.  It’s not just the usual werewolf shenanigans with a pinch of samurai shit thrown it there.  It’s a true melding of genres.    

Maybe the Japanese crew were also responsible for Waldemar’s new look as Naschy sports a much more elaborate make-up this time out.  The headpiece is extremely large and gives him almost a bear-like appearance.  Sadly, we only get one major transformation sequence (except for the obligatory change-back scene in the finale), but it’s a pretty good one.  

Just when you think The Beast and the Magic Sword can’t get any better, the evil sorceress sets her pet tiger loose in Waldemar’s cell and there’s a duel to the death between them!  Sure, the third act may get a little bogged down once the Japanese medicine man goes off into the mountains to battle an unending series of ghost samurai in exchange for the magic sword.  Even with those longwinded scenes, I can’t help but love this flick.  I don’t know about you, but any movie that answers the age-old question:  “Who would win in a fight?  A werewolf or a tiger?” is OK in my book.

AKA:  The Werewolf and the Magic Sword.

DEADLY PREY (1987) ****

Deadly Prey is basically The Most Dangerous Game Meets Rambo.  The key difference is that instead of having a billionaire villain who hunts humans for sport, it’s Col. Hogan (David Campbell) who trains his army of mercenary soldiers by having them hunt and kill ordinary citizens.  His goons pick the wrong man when they kidnap Mike Danton (Ted Prior) and use him for their latest mission of human target practice.  Little do they know Danton is a one-man army who quickly makes mincemeat out of the would-be mercenaries.  Hogan, who trained Danton to kill in Vietnam, then has his wife (Dawn Abraham) kidnapped, which sends Danton into a violent rage, and he wages war on Hogan and his men.

For Rambo on a budget, Deadly Prey is hard to beat.  Hell, there are even some moments that manage to out-Rambo Rambo.  Remember in First Blood when Col. Trautman said, “He’s been trained to eat things that would make a billy goat puke”?  Well, we actually get to see Danton ingest said disgusting material.  You didn’t see Stallone do that!

No sir, only a guy like Ted Prior could manage that.  He’s kind of like the missing link between Sylvester Stallone and Miles O’Keeffe in this movie.  Before he dons his more Ramboesque attire in the finale, Prior spends most of his time running around the woods in little white short shorts that look very reminiscent of O’Keeffe’s loincloth in Tarzan.  You have to love the way he throws himself into the role and marvel at his ingenuity as he kills his enemies with clubs, spears, and even twigs.  Soldiers.  Tanks.  Helicopters.  They’re no match for Ted Prior.

Just when you think it can’t get any better, Cameron Mitchell shows up as Ted’s father in-law.  He gets a particularly great scene where he chews out Troy Donahue, who plays the mercenaries’ mysterious benefactor.  I can’t say the film is exactly lightning paced, but when it does occasionally downshift, it’s full of scenes of Mitchell doing what he does best.  This is the kind of padding I enjoy in a movie.

For as low as the budget was, you have to give major kudos to director David A. Prior.  He really got the most bang for his buck and never runs out of inventive ways to kill people.  The scenes of action carnage Prior concocted will live forever in my mind’s eye.  He even manages to give his brother Ted a couple of impressive hero shots, including the unforgettable final image.  

26 years later, the team of Prior and Prior teamed up once again for a sequel, Deadliest Prey. 

ROCK MY WORLD (2002) * ½

Rock band Global Heresy is about to go on tour in Merry Olde England.  At their latest press conference, they announce they’ve hired a new bass player, played by Alicia Silverstone.  Peter O’Toole and Joan Plowright are stuffy aristocrats on the verge of bankruptcy who open their empty mansion to the band in exchange for some much-needed income.  They are so broke that they stoop to posing as the hired help and have to stand idly by while the band members rehearse, party, and generally cause a ruckus in their home.  Tensions rise when Silverstone abruptly quits, and the band has to continue on without her.

Directed by Sidney J. (Iron Eagle) Furie, Rock My World is an inane culture clash rock n’ roll comedy that doesn’t rock and isn’t funny.  It isn’t exactly dreadful; it’s just that there isn’t much of a movie here.  There isn’t really a plot, just a set-up, followed by a string of uninteresting complications (the band begins feuding, O’Toole’s niece stops by unannounced, etc.) parading around as subplots.  

Most of the humor revolves around O’Toole and Plowright getting pissy as the band makes a mess of their mansion.  None of it is especially funny either.  Whenever there is a lull in the dialogue (which is often), the band plays a song to pad out the running time.  The wimpy ‘90s rock they specialize in isn’t the worst you’ve ever heard, but it makes the music-heavy portions of the film a tough sit.

O’Toole and Plowright are old pros and get by on class alone.  That doesn’t disguise the fact that they deserve much better than this.  Silverstone, no stranger to rock after appearing in several Aerosmith music videos, does what she can, but even her pouty good looks while plucking a bass can’t save this turkey.

AKA:  Global Heresy.  AKA:  Band on the Run.  

THE FOURSOME (2006) * ½

Kevin Dillon reconnects with three of his high school friends during their twenty-year reunion.  The next day, they meet up for a couple rounds of golf.  On the golf course, they ruminate about their love lives, career, and station in life.  Predictably, their friendship is tested when they suspect each other of cheating with their spouses.  

Directed by William (Henry and the Hendersons) Dear, The Foursome is reminiscent in some ways to The First to Go as they both focus on men of a certain age at a crossroad in their lives.  While that film was packed to the gills with terrific actors, all this one has to offer is Kevin Dillon and a handful of annoying non-stars.  It doesn’t help that the humor is set to a sub-sitcom level.  The scenes of male bonding fall flat too, and the golfing humor isn’t funny either.  (There are scenes that wouldn’t have cut the mustard for Caddyshack 3.)  The film also loses whatever meager momentum it has earned whenever it switches focus to the characters’ wives gossiping in the gym while their hubbies are out on the course.

Dillon gets by solely by acting like a smartass.  He’s easily more charismatic and fun to watch that the rest of his golfing buddies.  The film was probably going to be forgettable from the get-go, but it might’ve been a little more tolerable had the supporting cast had been filled with actors who were closer to Dillon’s caliber.  As it is, it’s almost as if you’re watching Johnny Drama, but with an Entourage of nothing more than extras.

Ultimately, it’s hard to generate laughs when you’re saddled with a weak script and an amateurish supporting cast.  The seventy-nine-minute running time, which sounds like it would be mercilessly short, feels much longer.  Overall, you’d have more fun looking for your ball in the rough for that amount of time than you would watching The Foursome.

LIFE AFTER BETH (2014) *** ½

A grieving couple (John C. Reilly and Molly Shannon) are coping with the sudden death of their daughter, Beth (Aubrey Plaza) alongside her sad sack boyfriend Zach (Dane DeHaan).  When she miraculously comes back to life, her family tries to keep it a secret.  When Zach finds out, he’s overjoyed to spend time with her once again.  Naturally, the relationship gets very complicated once he realizes Beth is now a zombie.

Just when you thought you’ve had your fill of zombie comedies, along comes one that manages to surprise you and even tug at your heartstrings a little bit.  Written and directed by Jeff (The Little Hours) Baena, Life After Beth is a fresh, funny, and offbeat horror comedy that takes many tonal shifts throughout its running time.  (It starts out like Moonlight Mile and finishes like Shaun of the Dead.)  Many similar films would not survive such a whiplash in tone, but this one succeeds because of the versatility of the committed cast.

Plaza is perfectly cast as the zombie girlfriend.  She makes it difficult to tell if she’s a flesh eater, or just being adorably quirky.  Reilly and Shannon are terrific together and play both the dramatic and comedic scenes to a tee.  I also loved seeing Paul Reiser getting some great lines as DeHaan’s dad, and Garry Marshall has a hilarious cameo too. 

What makes Life After Beth work is that Baena isn’t treading the same old (burial) ground countless of zombie comedies have tread before.  He’s using them as a metaphor for not being able to tell a deceased loved one all the things you wanted to say to them while they were alive.  There’s also a little bit of a Deathdream/Monkey’s Paw thing going on too (even though Beth doesn’t come back as part of a wish; it just kind of happens), which gives it a tinge of sadness.  I also liked the way he snuck in the details of the impending zombie apocalypse on the outskirts of the action.  (It occurs in little bits of background business, which is perfect because it doesn’t come at the expense of the character development.)

In short, Baena breathes new life into a rotting genre. 

AKA:  Beth, a Zombie.