WHEN WOMEN HAD TAILS (1970) *

Earlier this week, the international film community suffered a terrible loss with the passing of the incomparable film composer, Ennio Morricone.  I wanted to pay tribute to the man who gave us such stirring scores to classics like A Fistful of Dollars, Once Upon a Time in the West, and The Thing by reviewing a movie he scored that I hadn’t seen before.  Unfortunately for me, that flick was When Women Had Tails.

Morricone’s scores could often turn disposable exploitation junk into something quirky and fun.  His music could take an already great film and elevate it into art.  Sad to say, he couldn’t do a heck of a lot with this supremely shoddy Italian caveman sex comedy.  

Seven cavemen baby brothers are placed in a basket that accidentally gets sent downstream.  As the years go by, the isolated caveboys grow up into cavemen and learn to live off the land.  Their world is soon turned upside down by the discovery of a sexy cavegirl (Senta Berger) who knows more than a little about doing the prehistoric nasty.  Naturally, the alpha male of the group (Giuliana Gemma) wants her all to himself and has to fight the other cavemen for her affections.

A good 90% of the jokes land with a painful thud.  The stuff with the cavemen trying to ride a camel, discovering fire, and inventing a set of wings to make them fly like birds are infantile, stupid, and just plain unfunny.  There’s also an attack scene featuring one of the least convincing bear costumes in screen history.  The only memorable part comes when Berger tries to give the clueless Gemma a crash course on primitive lovemaking, although I can’t exactly call it “funny”.  

Morricone’s music has some of the vocal choral stylings he’s known for.  They don’t add much to the proceedings, except to hammer home how allegedly hilarious the Neanderthal numbskulls are.  I wish I could’ve paid tribute to Morricone with a more fitting film, but when you have over five hundred credits in a career that spans over sixty years, you undoubtedly will get a clunker from time to time.  No matter how bad When Women Had Tails is (and it’s plenty bad), I’m glad I could use this review as an opportunity to say goodbye to one of the premier composers of our time.  Happy trails, Ennio.  

DARLIN’ (2019) ***

Darlin’, writer/director Pollyanna McIntosh’s sequel to the modern-day classic, The Woman begins with The Woman (once again played by McIntosh) dumping her teenage offspring, Darlin’ (Lauryn Canny) at the hospital in the middle of the night.  The wild, animalistic girl is taken in by the local Bishop (Bryan Batt) who places her in his Catholic school for wayward young girls.  The Bishop soon gets a hairbrained scheme to reform Darlin’ and make her over as a proper lady to show the world Jesus truly does save.  (Not to mention act as free publicity for his school.)  

Let’s just say, it does not go well. 

Darlin’ is frustrating at times, as its uneven tone and pacing prevents it from really taking flight.  Much of that has to do with the fact The Woman takes a backseat to her daughter for so much of the running time.  MacIntosh was such a force of nature in the original that it’s a little dismaying to see her playing most of the film from the sidelines.  Occasionally, she pops up now and then to remind you she’s still there (and to pad out the body count a bit).  These scenes don’t add much to the movie, especially the subplot with her taking up with an army of homeless women.  Still it’s just nice to see her covered from head to toe in muck again, even if she is relatively subdued this time around. 

The character of Darlin’ more than makes up for whatever flaws the movie has.  Canny totally creates a character you care about and root for.  It’s hard to see the finale (which I wouldn’t dream of spoiling) as anything short of a tragedy as (given her circumstances) Darlin’s prospects of either damnation or salvation look equally horrifying (and disgusting).

Overall, Darlin’ doesn’t come close to matching The Woman in terms of putting the audience through the wringer.  However, it does something surprisingly different while remaining thematically similar AND managing to keep the storyline from the original moving forward.  That alone is some kind of a high-wire act.  It has a personality all its own, while still feeling very much a part of its predecessor’s world.  (There are stretches that feel like a horror movie version of Lady Bird.)

I also like how this is the second time the female lead of a Lucky McKee movie went on to direct a sequel/remake of that film.  MacIntosh follows in the footsteps of Angela Bettis who directed the companion piece to McKee’s May, the underseen Roman.  While her performance here isn’t as revelatory as it was in The Woman, as a director, she shows so much promise that I’m already looking forward to her next feature, whatever that may be.  Now, will someone please let Misty Mundae direct a sequel to McKee’s Masters of Horror entry, Sick Girl so the trilogy of actresses-directing-sequels-to-McKee-movies can be complete! 

POLAROID (2019) **

Polaroid is yet another variation on The Ring.  This time, instead of people being murdered by a vengeful entity after watching a cursed videotape, they are murdered by a vengeful entity after having their picture taken by a cursed Polaroid camera.  As far as these things go, it’s far from the worst Ring rip-off I’ve seen.  (It’s certainly more entertaining than either the Japanese original or the American remake.)  However, it’s not a patch on Fear Dot Com, the G.O.A.T. of Ring retreads.

While Polaroid is a notch or two better than your average lame PG-13 horror flick, it’s still essentially a lame PG-13 horror flick.  By that, I mean most of the deaths are tame and the monster looks shitty.  (He often looks like a guy wearing a fucking sheet.)  Also, the premise kind of feels like an extended Goosebumps episode.  You also have to deal with a handful of scenes that are so bathed in darkness that it’s hard to make out what the hell is happening. 

What keeps Polaroid from slipping down to the bottom rungs of the PG-13 horror ladder is the lead performance by Kathryn Prescott.  Her character, Bird is a quirky, sarcastic loner who is immensely likeable and someone you actually give a shit about, which is a rarity it seems in the genre these days.  Director Lars Klevberg (who went on to direct the Child’s Play remake) delivers the goods during scenes where the teens are harmed whenever their pictures are defaced.  He gives us a solid fire attack scene and the part where a guy is ripped in half pushes the boundaries of the PG-13 rating.  These little moments aren’t enough to completely save the movie, but they help keep your interest from waning. 

Polaroid had a long road to release.  It was pulled from the Dimension slate after the whole Harvey Weinstein debacle and sat on the shelf for two whole years until it wound up premiering on Netflix.  While it’s not great by any means, it probably deserved a better fate. 

ONCE UPON A TIME IN VENICE (2017) ** ½

Bruce Willis stars as a down and out ex-skateboarder-turned-ex-cop-turned-private-dick who works out of Venice Beach with his annoying sidekick Thomas Middleditch.  While trying to repo his buddy’s car, Willis accidentally draws the ire of a local drug kingpin (Jason Momoa), who takes his revenge by stealing Bruce’s dog.  Naturally, the dog winds up changing owners several times in the course of a day, leading Bruce on a harebrained quest to get it back. 

I have a soft spot in my heart for these Tarantino knockoff crime comedies.  They don’t make too many of them anymore, at least any that are worth a damn, so it’s kind of fun to spot one in the wild.  Like so many of these things, Once Upon a Time in Venice features a lot of surf music on the soundtrack, characters making pop culture references, and shots from inside a trunk.  (In addition, there’s also a Fight Club-inspired scene of a character faking his way into a support group.)  Nobody in their right mind would call this a classic (or a return to form by Willis for that matter), but it’s a pretty funny, empty calories flick that at least has the benefit of a good cast playing an array of colorful characters.  

Bruce has been accused of sleepwalking through his movies lately, but he (mostly) shows up for this one.  Although it was hardly a challenging role, he seems funnier and looser here than he’s been in a while.  John Goodman has some good moments as his surfer dude best friend who sometimes joins him on a job as back-up.  They have genuine chemistry together, enough to make you wish they were working with stronger material.  Momoa also seems to be having fun with what is admittedly a stereotypical role. 

Once Upon a Time in Venice comes to us from the writers of Cop Out, which also starred Willis.  I liked that one more than most, and I’m probably on the same arc of the spectrum with this one.  It’s not great by any means but liked it more than your average critic. 

In fact, the beginning is a lot of fun and gave me hope this would actually be some sort of minor classic.  It starts off great with a funny bit where Willis gives a foulmouthed pep talk to a bunch of skateboarding kids.  There’s also a memorable scene where some bad guys get the drop on Bruce while he’s in the throes of passion, forcing him to escape into the night in the nude.  This leads to an extended chase where he evades his pursuers while skateboarding naked through the streets of Venice.  The moment where some cops stop him and cause him to conceal his gun in an unlikely holster is the perfect cherry on top of this already funny sequence. 

Despite a breezy and amusing first act, the film starts to chase its tail ironically enough when Bruce’s dog gets stolen.  Once he goes out looking for his lost pooch, the movie slowly begins to run out of steam.  The ending feels a bit anticlimactic too.  Although most of the cast is fun to watch, I could’ve easily done without Middleditch’s character entirely (he also acts as the completely gratuitous narrator), and I was a bit miffed that Famke Janssen was totally wasted in two forgettable scenes.  Still, despite all that, it’s still kind of refreshing to see a DTV flick that at least tries to color outside the lines, even if the results are a bit messy. 

AKA:  L.A. Rush.  AKA:  L.A. Vengeance.

DANGER GOD (2019) ** ½

Danger God is a documentary about Gary Kent, who had a long and varied career as an actor, stuntman, director, and behind the scenes jack of all trades.  Kent worked with everyone from Ed Wood to Ray Dennis Steckler to Monte Hellman to Al Adamson to Don Coscarelli, and for that alone, he’s a noteworthy figure in my book.  The thing that makes him legendary in my eyes though is that he’s the man Brad Pitt’s character in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is partially based on, due to his run-in with Charles Manson and his followers at Spahn Ranch.

Throughout the film, Kent proves to be a likeable subject.  He seems like a genuinely good-natured, kindhearted guy, which quickly endears him to the audience.  The problem is the documentary itself is all over the place.  The best parts are the clips of his old movies (especially the Adamson stuff).  Once we start delving deeper into his life, a lot of things feel glossed over and/or rushed.  For instance, Kent’s encounter with Manson is only briefly discussed and the subject of Adamson’s shocking murder is likewise barely touched on. 

The look of the film is erratic too.  It goes from a professional looking documentary to videotaped footage to stuff that looks like it was filmed on an iPhone.  (The scenes of Kent reading his memoir aloud also go on a little long.)  The focus of the movie gets choppier as it comes down the home stretch, and the footage of Kent hanging out on the set of a no-budget horror flick feels like various DVD bonus features haphazardly stitched together.  

Still, you can’t help but feel for the guy.  He seems like a cool dude, and your heart really goes out to him during the stretches when both he and his wife are battling cancer.  Despite the film’s shortcomings, if it at least spreads the gospel about the legend that is Gary Kent, then so much the better.

Recently I picked up Severin’s exhaustive Blu-Ray collection of Al Adamson’s entire career.  I’ve been itching to check it out once I can carve out some time to fully immerse myself in his work.  When I do, I look forward to seeing Kent in action in those films and hopefully any projects he may have in store for us in the future.  

AKA:  Love and Other Stunts.

A SCORE TO SETTLE (2019) **

Nicolas Cage stars as a criminal whose prison stretch is cut short due to a chronic illness.  Once on the outside, he reconnects with his son (Noah Le Gros), collects a stash of hidden loot, and begins to live it up in a swanky hotel.  Before long, he sets out to get revenge on the men who put him behind bars.  That is, if his condition doesn’t get in the way. 

A Score to Settle is similar in some ways to Dying of the Light as both films revolve around Cage playing terminal heroes trying to set things right before they kick the bucket.  At least that flick had Paul Schrader at the helm.  This one is saddled with a predictable story, very little action, and a pretty weak revenge plot. 

The bare bones of the story could’ve worked, but the subplot with Cage reconnecting with the son is flat and uninvolving.  Not to mention the fact that the kid’s fate is predictable every step of the way.  Cage’s cliched relationship with a Hooker with a Heart of Gold® (Karolina Wydra) is trite and only serves to eat up a lot of screen time.  It’s also a shame to see Benjamin Bratt being wasted in a supporting role as his ex-street compatriot who helps him in his quest for revenge. 

Admittedly, Cage isn’t given much to work with, but he doesn’t do a whole lot to invigorate the proceedings with his usual manic touch.  Only occasionally does he veer into Cagey Mode.  The scenes where he goes on a shopping spree offers a tinge of weirdness here and there, and there’s a funny bit where he intimidates a guy in a butcher shop by aggressively chewing on a sausage.  He does bless us with at least one memorable line reading where he incredulously wines at the villain, “You think I have beeeeeeef with you?”  Ultimately, the rest of the story is so thin you’ll be wondering where’s the beef?

DRIVE-IN DELIRIUM: ‘60S AND ‘70S SAVAGERY (2017) *** ½

Clocking in at a whopping six hours-plus, Drive-In Delirium:  ‘60s and ‘70s Savagery is a trailer compilation junkie’s wet dream.  It’s jam-packed with previews for all kinds of exploitation, horror, and drive-in fare.  The first part features nearly two hours of trailers from the ‘60s; mostly genre classics and/or little-seen gems.  Some of the trailers are British, and it’s interesting to see the films being sold in a more respectable manner than their American counterparts.  

Most times with these trailer compilations, I give a rundown of the featured trailers.  If I did that with this one, I’d be here all day.  Because of that, I’ll just limit myself to a small sampling of the delights you’ll see.  We have a nice mix of horror (House of Usher, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, The Conqueror Worm), Hammer (Dracula-Prince of Darkness, The Plague of the Zombies, The Devil’s Bride), spy movies (The Quiller Memorandum, Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die, Deadlier Than the Male), and Sci-Fi (The First Men in the Moon, Robinson Crusoe on Mars, Fantastic Invasion of Planet Earth) that should please any fan of every genre.

The second, much longer section is devoted to the ‘70s and includes such genres as Blaxploitation (Trouble Man, Black Caesar, Slaughter), horror (Wicked Wicked, Seizure, Deranged, The Reincarnation of Peter Proud, Grizzly, Rabid), telekinetic hijinks (Carrie, The Fury, Patrick), vampires (Andy Warhol’s Dracula, Count Dracula’s Great Love, Vampyres), Hammer (Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb, Twins of Evil, Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell), Vincent Price (Scream and Scream Again, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Dr. Phibes Rises Again), sexploitation (Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, The Lickerish Quartet, Salon Kitty), action (Assault on Precinct 13, Vanishing Point, The Mechanic), westerns (The Magnificent Seven Ride, Bite the Bullet, Keoma), and Sci-Fi (Capricorn One, Star Crash, and Star Trek:  The Motion Picture).  While many of the trailers are relatively tame compared to other compilations, there’s still a decent amount of sleaze here.  In fact, my favorite trailer of the bunch (for Amuck) PROMISES it has been cut, but pretty much shows you everything you’d want to see, and then some.  We also get some choice vintage intermission and pre-show ads.  (My favorite was the commercial for Camel cigarettes.)

What separates this collection from many other trailer comps out there is the quality of the trailers themselves.  I’m not talking about whether they’re any good or not.  I mean the picture quality is often stunning.  (Don’t worry, there are still a few prints that are scratchy as fuck, which is always endearing to me.)  They have been preserved for all times in high definition by the good folks at Umbrella, and for that, genre fans everywhere should be grateful.  

I will be the first to admit, the running time is a little unwieldy.  As much as I love movie trailers, this collection quickly became a tad numbing.  I had to break it up over several nights, and even then, I could only watch about forty-five minutes to an hour before my head started spinning.  That’s a good thing though as Drive-In Delirium:  ‘60s and ‘70s Savagery is proof that you can’t get too much of a good thing… if you just pace yourself.