CLEANING OUT THE DVR: THE BELKO EXPERIMENT (2017) ***

(DVR’ed from Cinemax on February 16, 2018)

It seems like an ordinary day in an office building in Bogota, Columbia when all of a sudden, a voice comes on the intercom and tells the workers they must kill one another in order to survive the day.  Initially, they shrug it off, thinking it’s a prank, but when steel shutters surround the building, blocking their escape, they suspect their predicament is all too real.  When they fail to execute their co-workers in a timely fashion, random people begin dying, thanks to explosive chips implanted in their heads.  Eventually, the employees come to grips with their grisly situation and begin terminating the staff. 

Written by James (Guardians of the Galaxy) Gunn and directed by Greg (Wolf Creek) McLean, The Belko Experiment is a none-too subtle metaphor about cutthroat business practices, predatory co-workers, and overly hostile work environments.  Just because Gunn and McLean skimp on subtlety doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.  I mean, the premise is admittedly kind of thin.  (It’s The Office Meets Battle Royale.)  When you’re making a movie with this many exploding heads, subtlety is kind of overrated.

Yes, the plot is probably the sort of thing that might’ve been best suited to a short film, or maybe even a horror anthology.  Thankfully, Gunn’s smart and funny script, coupled with McLean’s no-nonsense direction help propel the film along at a rapid pace.  While the plot is a bit skimpy, there aren’t many wasted moments.  Every scene builds on top of one another, so there’s no gratuitous padding to get in the way of the fun. 

It helps that the heavies are expertly cast.  Tony Goldwyn can do this kind of scumbag yuppie role in his sleep by now.  However, he finds new ways to make this archetype even more despicable.  John C. McGinley is also a lot of fun to watch as the sex pest of the group who adapts to the role of executioner way too easily. 

We also have Gunn regulars Sean Gunn as the office’s resident conspiracy theorist, Michael Rooker as the kindly janitor, and Gregg Henry as the mystery man who is pulling the strings.  If you’re a fan of Gunn’s work, you should certainly enjoy seeing all of them popping up.  John Gallagher, Jr. is a bit milquetoast as the hero, but that’s kind of what the role requires as he is one of the few voices of reason.

Even though most of the horror comes from the “What Would You Do?” scenario, the gore is solid all the way around.  Fans of exploding heads will surely dig it as it contains almost as many exploding head effects as a Scanners movie.  Even though most of the kills come courtesy of boring old gunfire, we still get a few choice impalements, axes to the face, and skull crushings too. 

In short, The Belko Experiment is a fast-moving, down-and-dirty, three-chord horror movie.  It’s content to resist the temptation to exceed its grasp and that restraint results in a consistently entertaining little flick.  It certainly beats a day at the office, I’ll tell you that.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: AMITYVILLE DOLLHOUSE (1997) ** ½

(Streamed via The Archive)

A blended family moves into a new home.  They find a dollhouse replica of the Amityville Horror house sitting in their garage and stupidly put it in their little girl’s room.  It isn’t long before a bunch of wacky supernatural shit goes down.  Eventually, the family’s psychic aunt and biker occult expert uncle must step in to put a stop to the otherworldly antics.

Amityville Dollhouse was the eighth and final entry in the original Amityville Horror series before the franchise was rebooted by Michael Bay eight years later.  It’s an often perplexing but moderately entertaining mishmash of half-baked elements, clunky set pieces, and WTF logic.  Screenwriter Joshua Michael Stern (who went on to direct Jobs) must’ve been sitting at his typewriter like a deranged cook who keeps adding more and more ingredients to a meal and then forgets to turn on the oven.  It’s never boring, so there’s that.

It’s all over the place, and it’s sometimes just plain stupid, but it’s hard to completely hate any movie that contains:  A zombie dad, a giant rat, a biker who runs an occult bookstore, a spider in a piñata, nightmarish visions, voodoo dolls that come to life, a pair of killer headphones, magic spells that look suspiciously like they were stolen from a Vegas light show, rubbery demons, and dialogue like, “Hey, maggot-brain!  You’re history!”

Other than the fact that the dollhouse is a replica of the original house, there really isn’t any connective tissue with the other films in the Amityville Horror series.  I guess the subplot where the sexy stepmom (Ghoulies 2’s Starr Andreeff) becomes possessed and gets the hots for her stepson is kind of like a callback to the incest stuff in Part 2.  It’s weird and icky, but, once it’s introduced it’s almost immediately forgotten.  Just like everything else in the movie.

Sure, you have to sit through a lot of After School Special crap with the stepsiblings that don’t get along.  Of course, the precocious little brother character will grate on your nerves every time he opens his damned mouth.  However, once the supernatural shit hits the fan, it’s mostly agreeable dumb fun.   

I mean how many movies have you seen where the sexy girlfriend’s topless sex scene is interrupted by a zombie hornet?  This could be the only cinematic instance of such a phenomenon on record.  Later, the same babe gets too close to the fireplace and goes up like a Buddhist monk.  Talk about a hot date. 

Speaking of burning up, get a load of those long lingering shots of the burning house at the end.  They go on so long that it becomes painfully obvious we’re watching nothing more than a terrible model being set on fire.  Heck, it looks even faker than the dollhouse itself!  They should’ve just filmed the dollhouse burning.  It would’ve been more believable. 

The dialogue is pretty choice throughout, but it’s the wisecracking zombie dad who gets the best line of the movie when he says, “Don’t worry, it only hurts… FOREVER!”

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: THE RING (1998) ** ½

(Streamed via Asian Crush)

I’ve been on record stating the American remake of The Ring is one of the worst horror films of the 21^st century.  Because of that, I have long put off seeing Hideo Nakata’s 1998 original, the one that kickstarted the “J-Horror” trend that continues to this day.  It surprises me to say that it is better by a wide margin.  I can’t quite call it “good.  It’s not exactly “scary”.  However, I much preferred Nakata’s low-key approach to Gore Verbinski’s overly stylized bullshit.

One of the big differences between this one and the remake is that the male protagonist gets a lot more to do.  In the remake, it was the Naomi Watts show the whole way through.  I kind of liked how in this version it was a team effort between Nanako Matsushima and Hiroyuki Sanada to solve the mystery of the cursed videocassette that kills you seven days after you watch it.

This one isn’t nearly as draggy as the remake either.  The pacing is much tighter (albeit still kinda slow), and it runs a full twenty minutes shorter, which is always a plus.  Even then, there is an additional subplot or two that’s not present in the remake, which still manages to prevent the movie from really getting into gear.

I appreciated the fact that Nakata didn’t go overboard trying to scare the audience like Verbinski did.  His quieter approach, while not exactly masterful, was certainly more effective.  Take for example the contents of the videotape.  Verbinski tried way too hard to make it look like a snuff film.  Nakata’s take is a little more surreal, which works much better.  It also helps that he keeps the ghost girl Sadako offscreen for much of the movie.  The less of her you see throughout the film, the bigger impact she makes when she is finally front and center.  (Kind of like Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street series.) 

The moment that really showcases how much better this one is than the remake is the well sequence.  It’s a lot more subtle, and even kind of thoughtful and sad.  The scene where Matsushima tenderly pushes the hair out of Sadako’s face is creepier than anything Verbinski came up with, that’s for sure.

Again, it’s not quite a winner.  The middle section kind of dawdles, and the premise is still just as shaky as it ever was.  However, it’s like fucking Psycho compared to the remake.  I can’t quite recommend it, but it’ll be required viewing for fans of J-Horror.

Nakata went on to direct the crappy American sequel, The Ring Two.

AKA:  Ringu.

BORAT SUBSEQUENT MOVIEFILM: DELIVERY OF PRODIGIOUS BRIBE TO AMERICAN REGIME FOR MAKE BENEFIT ONCE GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN (2020) *** ½

It doesn’t seem like it’s been fourteen years, but Sacha Baron Cohen returns with this surprise sequel to the hilarious Borat.  It’s a testament to how screwed up the world (or at least our country) is that Cohen could go around pranking famous folks, crashing Republican conventions, and generally causing mayhem for the past few months and it didn’t even cause a blip on the radar.  While I can’t say it’s as good as the original (or even Bruno, my personal favorite Cohen movie), it did provide me with some much-needed laughs while simultaneously reminding me what a shitshow 2020 has been.

After soiling his country’s name in the first movie, Borat (Cohen) has been wasting away in a gulag in Kazakhstan for fourteen years.  Eventually, he is given a chance to redeem himself by delivering a monkey to Mike Pence as a goodwill gesture from his country.  When the monkey comes to an untimely end, he decides to hand over his fifteen-year-old daughter (Maria Bakalova) to Pence.  That attempt fails, so he tries to deliver her to Rudy Giuliani. 

Cohen is able to get around the fact that everyone knows who Borat is by disguising himself in a variety of outrageous costumes.  While many of these scenes offer some very big laughs, some of the interactions fall flat due to the participants being all-too eager to play along with the gag.  Even then, the setups alone are frequently hilarious.  The best bits include Borat taking his daughter to a pro-life clinic to “get a baby out”, a disgusting “fertility dance”, and the much-publicized scene where Giuliani gets into a compromising position.  It’s enough to make you wonder how far it wouldn’t gone if Cohen allowed the bit to play out even longer.

In all honesty, some of the stunts feel forced and/or overly staged.  Others are half-baked or look like they might’ve been partially botched.  Even then, Cohen’s gift for ad-libbing carries the weakest sequences and ensures there will still be plenty of laughs to be had.  I don’t know if he could ever get away with being Borat a third time, but I’ll sure as hell be there for it.  Very nice!

AKA:  Borat Subsequent Moviefilm.  AKA:  Borat Subsequent Moviefilm:  Gift of Pornographic Monkey to Vice Premiere Mikhael Pence to Make Benefit Recently Diminished Nation of Kazakhstan. 

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: HAUNT (2019) *

(Streamed via Shudder)

I pretty much hate walk-through haunted houses because it’s so damned basic.  Anybody with a mask can just leap out of nowhere, grab you, and make you jump.  Personally, I much prefer the old school ride-through houses that feature cool animatronics and weird papier Mache monsters.  At least with those, you can appreciate the craftsmanship that went into making them.  Better that than being a target for some masked jerk with rage issues who probably wouldn’t have passed the background check the owners of the haunted house obviously didn’t bother to perform. 

That basic bitch approach extends to this movie.  Six annoying characters go to an out of the way haunted house.  About halfway through, they see (or think they see) someone murdered by one of the masked “actors”.  Next thing you know, they have to double back through the house, and this time, the scares are FOR REAL. 

If the set-up was excruciating and laborious, the follow-through is painfully predictable every step of the way.  The clichés range from The Final Girl who is troubled by a stalker boyfriend to the gang of killers who have purposefully vague backstories to the part where the villains trick the heroine into accidentally killing her best friend.  We’ve seen all this before and done much better. 

The kills are lame and forgettable too.  Most revolve around Saw-style booby traps.  The other deaths of the stab and slash variety are weak.   

What’s worse is that it all just goes on far too long.  The movie was already annoying, slow, and tedious to begin with.  Then along comes the superfluous final reel to eat up another unnecessary ten minutes of your time.  Just when you think it can’t get any worse, they play one of those irritating slowed-way-down cover versions of popular rock songs, in this case “Dragula”.  These are normally reserved for trailers, so I don’t know what the heck it’s doing in the actual movie.

Producer Eli Roth should know better.

The directors also wrote the infinitely better A Quiet Place.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: QUARANTINE 2: TERMINAL (2011) **

(Streamed via Plex)

A dumbass doctor brings lab rats infected with a zombie virus aboard a commercial flight.  One of the rats bites a passenger who turns into a zombie and attacks one of the flight attendants.  The plane is forced to make an emergency landing at a nearby airport where the passengers are forced to quarantine in an abandoned terminal.  Naturally, the zombie rats get loose and bite more people.  It’s then up to the sole surviving flight attendant (Mercedes Mason) to protect the passengers and stop the zombie virus from spreading.

One of the things outbreak movies lied to us about was the fact that when an outbreak happens, citizens are held at gunpoint by government agents in hazmat suits, who force them to follow the strict quarantine protocols.  Maybe if we did that nowadays, we still wouldn’t be in the midst of a pandemic.  Anyway…

Quarantine was a forgettable shaky-cam zombie flick.  This sequel isn’t a Found Footage movie, so it’s immediately better in my book.  Director John G. Pogue sometimes relies on handheld camerawork in hopes of putting the audience in the midst of the action, which helps to subtly remind you this is part of the Quarantine universe.  Another nod to the Found Footage format is the POV sequence near the end in which a character dons night-vision goggles to escape the zombies in the dark.  Thankfully, this scene doesn’t go on too long, so it wear out its welcome.

Overall, the zombie action is unfortunately kind of low.  I did like the constant fake-outs in the beginning to make the audience guess where the zombie outbreak will start.  However, the film twiddles its thumbs too much in the middle act to make it really worthwhile.  We do get an OK zombie cat attack and a gnarly “test” scene in which a doctor jabs a hypodermic needle into his eye.  I’ll take an extra-long Q-Tip up my nose any day next to that!

Pogue went on to direct Deep Blue Sea 3.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: THE NIGHT OF A THOUSAND CATS (1974) *

(Streamed via B-Movie TV)

Hugo Stiglitz flies around in his helicopter looking for hot chicks.  When he finds the one he wants, he takes her back to his bachelor pad (an ancient monastery) where he cuts their heads off and preserves them under glass.  Then, he feeds the rest to his pack of flesh-eating cats. 

Directed by Rene (Guyana:  Cult of the Damned) Cardona, Jr., The Night of a Thousand Cats is only 63 minutes long, but it’s a long 63 minutes.  The thing that really drags it out is all the scenes of Hugo flying around in his helicopter.  I’m not lying when I say that half the running time is devoted to Hugo in his helicopter spying on women.  These scenes play out like a low budget Mexican version of Blue Thunder or something.

Once he gets them back to his house, the scenes of animal cruelty are kind of hard to take.  Hugo tosses them around violently and even drowns one in a swimming pool.  The shots of the (certainly not a “thousand” but probably over a hundred) cats corralled into a small space look like an ASPCA commercial waiting to happen.  Seriously, any second you expect to hear Sarah McLachlan to pop up singing “Angel”.

There is one sequence that works:  A flashback where Hugo’s mute servant chases his true love in super slow-motion intercut with Hugo hunting doves.  Other than that, it is quite the chore to sit through.  Don’t let the short running time fool you:  That 63 minutes feels much, much longer.  

Apparently, a ninety-minute version exists.  I’m not sure if it features more explicit sex scenes (there’s only a smattering of nudity), but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was just a half hour more helicopter footage.  As it is, The Night of a Thousand Cats is pretty reprehensible stuff.  Then again, if you love Hugo Stiglitz, long helicopter rides, and wanton animal cruelty, it’ll be a Four Star movie for sure.

AKA:  Cats.  AKA:  Night of 1000 Cats.  AKA:  Blood Feast.