HINDSIGHT IS 2020: VALLEY GIRL (2020) **

Valley Girl is one of my favorite ‘80s teen comedies of all time.  When I heard there was going to be a musical remake, I wasn’t surprised.  I mean, that shit has been going on since Hairspray.  What I didn’t realize until I started watching it was that it doesn’t contain any original music.  Instead, the cast sing ‘80s songs that have been shoehorned into the narrative.  I guess that would be okay if it all didn’t look and feel like an overlong Old Navy commercial.

Even though it’s set in 1983, the attempts to make it feel like a period piece are generic and/or just plain wrong.  Having the movie take place the same year the original film came out was a nice touch (there’s even some brief footage from the original if you know where to look), but how come nearly half of the musical selections are from 1984 or later?  There’s even a scene where the asshole boyfriend of the piece tries to woo the Valley Girl (Jessica Rothe, from Happy Death Day) by doing a “promposal”, which if anyone who lived through the decade can attest, definitely wasn’t a thing in the ‘80s.

Also, about halfway through the movie, the songs become more and more infrequent.  It’s almost as if you can spot the exact moment the music royalties budget ran out.  It’s a shame too because when it shifts gears back into a rehash of Valley Girl, it’s nearly impossible to care about the characters since up until this point they have been portrayed with about as much depth as people in an ‘80s music video.  What made the original work so well was the colorful characters.  Here, the only thing that’s colorful about them is their wardrobe.

The plot is the same.  High school Valley Girl Julie falls for a Hollywood punk rocker named Randy (Josh Whitehouse).  Even though they are from two totally different social scenes, they manage to make their relationship work.  Eventually, peer pressure threatens to tear them apart.

One thing I did like about this version was when they sing “I Melt with You”, the theme song from the original film.  The performers are adequate, but pale in comparison to Nicolas Cage and Deborah Foreman.  Speaking of which, it was nice seeing Foreman, along with a few other stars of the original popping up in cameos.  (No Nic Cage though.)

Ultimately, it just doesn’t work.  I mean are we expected a punk rocker would sing a Madonna song at a club?  Give me a break. 

Another tip-off that the filmmakers have no idea to properly make an ‘80s movie right:  They hired Alicia Silverstone to play the all-grown-up Julie in the framing scenes.  I mean, I like Silverstone as much as the next guy, but c’mon!  She’s best known from Clueless, a film that came out in ’95.  You can’t mix ‘90s nostalgia and ‘80s nostalgia willy-nilly.  

Like, totally gag me with a spoon!

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: GUNS AKIMBO (2020) **

Skizm is the latest craze.  People watch online as two contestants battle it out to the death.  Miles (Daniel Radcliffe) is a meek internet troll who spams the Skizm message boards with comments condemning the sport.  The leader of the organization, Riktor (Ned Dennehy) tracks Miles down and forces him to be Skizm’s latest contestant by bolting guns to his hands.  To make matters worse, if Miles doesn’t kill his competitor (Samara Weaving) in twenty-four hours, Riktor will off his girlfriend (Natasha Liu Bordizzo). 

The first twenty minutes or so had me ready to abandon ship.  I have seen some annoying camerawork and erratic editing in my time, but this might’ve been the worst.  Seriously, it was like the cameraman got jacked up on Red Bull and tried to out-Sam Raimi Sam Raimi.  Meanwhile, the editor got blitzed on chocolate and Mountain Dew and cut everything to ribbons, rendering the already chaotic action sequences nearly impossible to watch. 

Thankfully, things settled down once the film entered the second act, and the rest of the action sequences were much more tolerable.  In fact, there were stretches where I thought Guns Akimbo was actually going to overcome the first act handicap and find its stride.  That was mostly due to Radcliffe’s inspired harried performance.  Unfortunately, things got increasingly dumb as the movie went down the homestretch. 

The plot (which is essentially The Running Man Meets Upgrade Meets Nerve) is already thin, and the points writer/director James Lei (Deathgasm) Howden makes are obvious at best and painfully stupid at worst.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t been so in your face with the camerawork and editing.  The sequences where Howden tries to make the action resemble a video game are particularly idiotic and look like Scott Pilgrim vs. the World remade as a shoot ‘em up. 

I wanted to like it, but it was just ultimately too dumb for its own good.  How dumb?  Well, at one point, when a bad guy threatens Weaving with a hammer, they play “Super Freak” on the soundtrack.  I mean, shouldn’t they be playing “U Can’t Touch This” (you know, “Stop!  Hammer time!”) and not the song it sampled from?  That’s just a sterling example of how fundamentally misguided the whole thing is. 

THE INVISIBLE ASSASSIN (1965) **

The Invisible Assassin was written by the dynamic team of Rene Cardona Sr. and Rene Cardona Jr., with Sr. handling the directorial duties.  As much as I like the Cardona family, this is not up to snuff with their nuttier works.  It was released in America as Neutron Traps the Invisible Killers, but it doesn’t feature the character of Neutron at all.  Instead, we have “The Golden Mask”, an obvious attempt to cash in on El Santo, the Silver Masked Man if there ever was one.  It’s as if you can hear Cardona saying, “Hey son, why should we have a silver masked man in our film when we can have a GOLDEN masked man?”

A scientist invents an invisibility ray.  A madman uses the ray on himself, kills the doctor, and uh… disappears.  He then goes on a crime spree, robbing banks, stealing cars, and generally causing mayhem wherever he goes.  Eventually, he sets his sights on stalking a sexy nightclub singer.  With the police powerless to find the invisible killer, the Mexican wrestler The Golden Mask arrives on the scene to lend a hand. 

The Invisible Assassin feels more like a vehicle for Ana Bertha Lepe, who plays the nightclub singer (and is apparently playing herself) than a Mexican wrestling movie.  Cardona unwisely concentrates just as much on the nightclub performances as he does the plot.  Lepe’s song and dance numbers eat up a lot of screen time and get in the way of the Mexican wrestling and sci-fi elements.  Of the SEVEN musical numbers, the only dance sequence that’s really memorable is the one where Lepe does a seductive dance in her home.  (She even has a stripper pole installed in her living room!)

Part of the problem is The Golden Mask isn’t given much to do.  You know it’s a shame when the Mexican wrestler has to compete for screen time in his own Mexican wrestling movie.  Another problem is that the part is played by an actor (Jorge Rivero, from Werewolf) and not a real luchador.  That might explain why The Golden Mask is in only one of the three wrestling matches in the film.

The effects are low-tech, but they are surprisingly solid.  The best bits include a POV shot of the invisible man waving a gun at a teller, using lipstick to write a message on a mirror, and removing our hero’s mask when he sneaks into the ring during a wrestling match.  These moments help to keep this otherwise dreary flick from being totally forgettable.  It’s a shame that the ingenuity that was put into the special effects was absent throughout the rest of the movie. 

AKA:  Neutron Traps the Invisible Killers.  AKA:  Man in the Golden Mask vs. The Invisible Assassin. 

HINDSIGHT IS 2020: THE RHYTHM SECTION (2020) ***

Blake Lively (desperately trying to shed her good girl image with no make-up, ratty hairstyle, and English accent) stars as a woman who becomes a drug-addled sex worker after her entire family dies in a terrorist bombing.  As luck would have it, a dogged reporter (Raza Jaffrey) has found the man responsible for building the bomb that murdered her family.  She tries to execute the terrorist herself, but when she fails to pull the trigger, the reporter winds up dead.  A disgraced secret agent (Jude Law) then kidnaps her and trains her to become a hitwoman so she can finally seek revenge (and find peace).

The same week the James Bond producers pushed back No Time to Die (again), they put this on Amazon Prime for free.  Like No Time to Die, its release was pushed back several times.  When it finally came out earlier this year, it was a flop.  That’s probably due to the title, which makes it sound like a fucking cello movie or something.  Unlike Bond, it’s a smaller, more personal thriller.  It’s also surprisingly tough and mean-spirited, and unexpectedly focuses just as much on grief and trauma as it does vengeance and kicking ass. 

The Rhythm Section is unassuming and easy to underestimate, but it’s got it where it counts.  That’s fitting because the heroine is the same way.  The film belongs in one of my favorite subsects of the revenge genre where the character isn’t very good at getting revenge, but slowly becomes more capable thanks to raw determination and a little luck.  You wouldn’t think Lively could pull a role like this off.  However, she equips herself nicely and has you rooting for her by the end.  The fight scenes are messy, and there’s a pretty good chase scene done in one continuous take (although the seams in the editing are quite obvious).

I could’ve done without the on-the-nose needle drops of ‘60s tunes during some of the major sequences.  They really call attention to themselves and kind of run against the grain of the film’s serious tone.  Still, The Rhythm Section has plenty of rhythm as it moves along at a steady clip and kicks plenty of ass.  Too bad it flopped.  I wouldn’t have minded seeing Lively in a sequel.

SANTO VS. DOCTOR DEATH (1973) **

A thief sneaks into a museum and vandalizes a valuable painting.  An expert is brought in to restore the work of art and deems it to be a fake.  In reality, he’s in league with the ring of thieves who plan to sell it on the black market and make a fortune.  Stymied, Interpol brings in El Santo to bring the thieves down. 

I tend to find El Santo’s non-horror and sci-fi films to be among his lesser work, and despite the great title, Santo vs. Doctor Death has only the slightest horror trappings.  The scenes of sexy women in flimsy negligees walking down hidden passageways and catacombs are about all we get.  The movie is particularly sluggish whenever our masked hero isn’t on screen.  The art heist stuff is well-filmed, but mostly dull.  The same goes for the stuff with the Interpol agents.  We do get a pretty good car chase and the helicopter vs. boat finale is well done, although it is ultimately too little too late.  The ladies in the cast are all easy on the eyes though. 

Santo vs. Doctor Death is one of the few movies El Santo made away from his native Mexico.  It is also the only film he made in Spain.  The change of scenery is a bit of a mixed blessing.  While it may be a tad on the slow side, it is one of his best-looking flicks.  The cinematography is excellent and there are moments that look like they would be right at home in a Bond rip-off.  However, El Santo is usually at his best when he was working with guys who really knew how to utilize his talents, and this Spanish crew just can’t seem to do that.

The three wrestling scenes are OK.  Like the rest of the movie, they look slicker than usual.  The bulk of them are filmed in an empty auditorium, which is surprisingly effective.  Seeing the matches taking place in a mostly black void (complete with obviously phony canned crowd sound effects) is just odd enough to make them memorable. 

AKA:  Santo Strikes Again.  AKA:  Masked Man Strikes Again.  AKA:  Dr. Death.  AKA:  The Saint vs. Dr. Death.

THE INVITATION (1975) ** ½

Invitation to Ruin has one of the greatest trailers of all time.  It has appeared on several trailer compilations over the years, which is where I first heard of it.  Apparently, the original version is a lost film.  However, its memory lives on in this XXX version, which was prepared seven years later by actor Roger Gentry, who shot new scenes, added hardcore inserts, and re-released it as The Invitation.  Despite the awesome trailer, the movie itself leaves something to be desired (although it’s unfair to judge it properly in this form), but it’s so grimy and warped that it almost works as anti-porn.

A ladies’ man named Jerry (Roger Gentry) is hired by Pulaski (Moe Weise) to act as a “talent scout” for his white slavery operation.  (“They’re not hookers!  Hookers draw the line at some point.  Not my girls!”)  Jerry’s job is to woo these unsuspecting women and lure them with the promise of marriage before they are kidnapped and sold into slavery.  Naturally, it’s only a matter of time before Jerry falls for Pulaski’s daughter (Kathy Williams).  Incensed, Pulaski forces Jerry to confront the dirty side of the business, introducing him to Moma Lupo (Bertha Bigg), the ugly, scarred, tongueless warden who conditions the girls through sex, torture, and heroin. 

The Invitation is a sometimes-despicable roughie.  It’s cheap, exploitative, and would probably only be a turn-on for the most depraved viewer.  I mean that as a compliment, believe it or not.  It takes some doing to make me shake my head in disbelief, so bravo to Gentry and company for that.

However, in this version, the narrative is often choppy and sometimes confusing as it hops back and forth between narrators.  That’s mostly due to the blending of new and old footage.  It ultimately jumps around too much to flow smoothly and seamlessly.

This wouldn’t be an issue if the hardcore scenes were steamy.  There are some memorable moments along the way, but overall, they vary wildly in quality and length.  (Some appear randomly on a TV, which is supposed to represent security footage… or something.)  The ones that work best are the three-way sequences.  (Get a load of the “sheik” in the hot tub scene.)  Even then, they aren’t all that great.  The hateful dialogue is memorable though. 

The Invitation is rough in patches, especially early on, but things perk up once the character of Moma Lupo is introduced.  The torture sequence set to the library music from Night of the Living Dead, is rather shocking and effective.  Unfortunately, it takes a nosedive in quality shortly thereafter.  If it ended a good ten minutes sooner, it might’ve skated by with a *** rating.  However, after the plot feels like it’s wrapped itself up, it continues needlessly on for another reel or so.  In fact, the climax is so shoddily edited that it should be used in film schools to teach prospective filmmakers how NOT to end a movie.

I know the trailers are usually better than the movies themselves, but I can’t help but be a little disappointed in The Invitation after having such a great trailer and all.  It’s not all bad though.  It’s just that I can’t say it works as a whole.  What I can say is that’s just mean-spirited enough to stand out from the glut of grindhouse roughies of the era.  

AKA:  Invitation to Ruin. 

SUPERZAN AND THE SPACE BOY (1973) **

A young spaceman comes to Earth to share his knowledge with mankind.  Unfortunately, the first guy he runs into is a mad scientist who wants to pervert his gifts and use it to take over the world.  It’s then up to the Mexican luchador and crimefighter Superzan to help the Space Boy and stop the mad doctor’s evil scheme. 

I’m familiar with Superzan thanks to his supporting appearances in the Blue Demon films, The Triumph of the Champions of Justice and Mansion of the Seven Mummies.  This is a rare solo outing from the Mexican wrestler.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t wrestle in this one.  To add insult to injury, he doesn’t even show up until the movie is halfway over.  Unlike El Santo or Blue Demon, Superzan is a legit superhero (at least in this movie) and can actually FLY!  The flying scenes are pretty funny as it looks like Superzan just laid horizontally on a ladder while some production assistants ran hair dryers under his cape to make it flap in the wind.

It also didn’t help that the version I saw didn’t have subtitles.  Because of that, I couldn’t exactly tell what the bad guy’s machine did.  For all I know, if anyone stands underneath of it, it miraculously gives them the ability to wear a flashy pantsuit complete with snazzy cape.  The fight scenes alternate from under-rehearsed to sloppy to downright laughable.  It almost always looks like they used the first take.

Once Superzan finally shows up, the film picks up considerably.  There’s a scene where he gets ran over by the villain’s car, but he gets right back up no worse for wear.  He also uses a freeze gun at one point.  Too bad the movie grinds to a halt whenever he isn’t on screen. 

The golden-faced Space Boy is OK, I guess.  He speaks telepathically, which leads to lots of scenes of people standing around while echo-y voices are heard on the soundtrack.  This is initially good for a laugh, but it quickly grows tiresome as the flick lumbers on.

In short, Superzan and the Space Boy is far from what you would call “out of this world”.