Valley Girl is one of my favorite ‘80s teen comedies of all time. When I heard there was going to be a musical remake, I wasn’t surprised. I mean, that shit has been going on since Hairspray. What I didn’t realize until I started watching it was that it doesn’t contain any original music. Instead, the cast sing ‘80s songs that have been shoehorned into the narrative. I guess that would be okay if it all didn’t look and feel like an overlong Old Navy commercial.
Even though it’s set in 1983, the attempts to make it feel like a period piece are generic and/or just plain wrong. Having the movie take place the same year the original film came out was a nice touch (there’s even some brief footage from the original if you know where to look), but how come nearly half of the musical selections are from 1984 or later? There’s even a scene where the asshole boyfriend of the piece tries to woo the Valley Girl (Jessica Rothe, from Happy Death Day) by doing a “promposal”, which if anyone who lived through the decade can attest, definitely wasn’t a thing in the ‘80s.
Also, about halfway through the movie, the songs become more and more infrequent. It’s almost as if you can spot the exact moment the music royalties budget ran out. It’s a shame too because when it shifts gears back into a rehash of Valley Girl, it’s nearly impossible to care about the characters since up until this point they have been portrayed with about as much depth as people in an ‘80s music video. What made the original work so well was the colorful characters. Here, the only thing that’s colorful about them is their wardrobe.
The plot is the same. High school Valley Girl Julie falls for a Hollywood punk rocker named Randy (Josh Whitehouse). Even though they are from two totally different social scenes, they manage to make their relationship work. Eventually, peer pressure threatens to tear them apart.
One thing I did like about this version was when they sing “I Melt with You”, the theme song from the original film. The performers are adequate, but pale in comparison to Nicolas Cage and Deborah Foreman. Speaking of which, it was nice seeing Foreman, along with a few other stars of the original popping up in cameos. (No Nic Cage though.)
Ultimately, it just doesn’t work. I mean are we expected a punk rocker would sing a Madonna song at a club? Give me a break.
Another tip-off that the filmmakers have no idea to properly make an ‘80s movie right: They hired Alicia Silverstone to play the all-grown-up Julie in the framing scenes. I mean, I like Silverstone as much as the next guy, but c’mon! She’s best known from Clueless, a film that came out in ’95. You can’t mix ‘90s nostalgia and ‘80s nostalgia willy-nilly.
Like, totally gag me with a spoon!
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