POSSESSOR (2020) **

Director Brandon Cronenberg tries to show he can be a chip off the old block with the icky, moody, but empty Possessor.  Like his old man, David Cronenberg, he has a way with throwing the red stuff around.  He even uses some of the same motifs that his father trademarked throughout his career.  (There are bits that will remind you of Existenz, Videodrome, and Scanners.)  Unfortunately, just like Daddy Cronenberg, Brandon’s ice-cold aloof approach really keeps the audience at arm’s length from the characters.

Andrea (Mandy) Riseborough is an assassin who works for a mysterious organization.  During a job, her mind is connected to a random average citizen and she uses her mental energy to force them to kill her targets.  Her latest thought-controlled assassin (Christopher Abbott) doesn’t like having his noodle scrambled, so he fights back and sets out to turn the tables on Riseborough for messing with his noggin.

I like the idea of Possessor more than I liked the execution.  While the film is often gorgeous to look at (it reminded me of a Denis Villeneuve movie in some stretches), the pacing is stagnant, and the characterizations are almost non-existent.  The first act is the best as we get to learn the ins and outs of how the mind-control technology works.  Once Riseborough hops into Abbott’s body, things go out the window fast.  That’s mostly due to Abbott’s awful performance.  I know he’s supposed to be acting as if someone else is at the controls, but he at all times looks like a mannequin who just came to life.  (It doesn’t help that his character has about as much depth to him as a mannequin.)

Another issue is the subplot with Riseborough’s family.  We never really get to know them, which really takes the air out of the final scenes.  Imagine if we actually cared about any of the characters and we might’ve had a winner on our hands. 

Cronenberg does show us some quick glimpses of extreme gore here and there to justify Possessor’s existence.  The print I saw was the “Possessor Uncut” version, which adds in a couple shots of erect penises.  However, all the cocks I saw were clearly circumcised.  So much for being “Uncut”.

AKA:  Possessor Uncut. 

UNDERCOVER BROTHER 2 (2019) ** ½

The world wasn’t exactly clamoring for a seventeen-years-later DTV sequel to Undercover Brother, but we got one anyway.  Despite having some major reservations about the whole enterprise, it didn’t turn out too bad all things considered.  While there are some huge missed opportunities here, I found myself laughing consistently throughout, and the social satire worked as well as could be expected. 

Shortly after the events of the first movie, Undercover Brother (Michael Jai White) and his younger brother Lionel (Vince Swann) go to stop the evil Mr. White (Barry Bostwick) in his mountaintop lair.  He gives them the slip, causes an avalanche to disguise his getaway, and the two brothers wind up frozen in the ice for sixteen years.  Lionel eventually thaws out, and since Undercover stuck in a coma, he sets out to make his brother proud by stopping Mr. White’s son (Steven Lee Johnson) from taking over the world via his chain of coffeeshops.

The big stumbling block here is the casting of Michael Jai White.  I’m not saying it was a bad idea.  I’m not saying he does a bad job.  What I am saying is that with his big afro, retro wardrobe, and badass demeanor, the whole things feels like the filmmakers wanted to do Black Dynamite 2, but couldn’t get the rights, so they just settled on making Undercover Brother 2 instead.  The fact that he spends most of the movie in a coma is another rotten choice.  It’s even more perplexing since he occasionally pops up as an Obi-Wan-style ghost to give his brother motivation.  I’d much rather have seen him kicking ass than dispensing pep talks in a ghostly form.  Don’t get me wrong.  Swann does a decent job in White’s stead, but I can’t help but imagine how great this could’ve been if White had been in the driver’s seat the whole time. 

The surprising thing about Undercover Brother 2 is that it contains a fair amount of laughs, so it’s not too hard to overlook some of its shortcomings.  The biggest laugh comes when White learns his brother has been “cuttin’ bitches” and then we see him at work as a dog groomer.  The social commentary is also fairly strong as the villain’s big plan is to control the world with a drug called “Woke” that causes its users to become overly socially conscious.  Subtle?  No, but it works.  I mean the satire isn’t exactly Swiftian, but for a movie called Undercover Brother 2, it’s got more on its mind than you’d expect.

HAVEN (2006) * ½

Haven tries for the whole Pulp Fiction-style gimmick of having three interconnected stories of various lowlifes and criminals.  It even has a pretty stacked cast of hungry up-and-comers, veteran character actors, and pretty boys trying to flex their acting muscles.  While the cast is strong, the writing is weak.  You know your characters are paper-thin when a cast this talented is unable to breathe any life into them. 

All three stories revolve around various criminals in the Cayman Islands.  The first centers on Bill Paxton, who plays a white-collar thief who escapes to the Islands with his troublesome daughter (Agnes Bruckner) in tow.  The second tale involves a beach bum (Orlando Bloom) who deflowers Zoe Saldana and must face the wrath of her angry brother (Anthony Mackie).  The final story is about Paxton’s banker (Stephen Dillane) who tries to cut a deal with the cops and escape the island with a cool million. 

The stories amble on without much urgency or drive.  The first story in particular is a total waste of Bill Paxton as he is given virtually nothing to do.  The scenes of Bruckner getting involved with some hoodlums at a drug-fueled party are pretty unpleasant too. 

The part where Mackie throws acid in Bloom’s face is shocking though.  Not because seeing the usually handsome Bloom being disfigured is shocking.  It’s more because we’re shocked that something actually happened in the movie.

It’s all pretty laughable though because after Orlando Bloom has acid thrown in his face, he looks… well… just like Orlando Bloom. 

The stories eventually intersect and overlap, but it seems more like an excuse to reuse footage to pad the running time.  I get what writer/director Frank E. Flowers (who hasn’t made a movie before or since) is trying to do.  He wants to contrast the white-collar criminals who come to the island to the street-level ones who inhabit it year-round.  It’s just that it’s clunky and not thought out very well.

I did think it was funny that so many characters called each other “pussyhole” though. 

SPY (2015) ***

Melissa McCarthy and director Paul Feig return for their third collaboration in this solid spy spoof.  McCarthy stars as Susan, a CIA desk jockey who uses spy satellite footage to help guide secret agent Bradley Fine (Jude Law) through his dangerous missions.  (She’s kind of like a combination of Miss Moneypenny, Oracle, and Debbie, your Time-Life operator.)  Fine’s latest mission is to stop a rich heiress (Rose Byrne) from selling nukes to terrorists.  The mission winds up being a complete failure, resulting in Fine being killed in the line of duty and the identities of all the CIA’s field agents being compromised.  Susan’s boss (Allison Janney) has no choice but to send her into the field to observe and report, but naturally Susan gets in way over her head. 

McCarthy does a fine job for the most part, especially early on playing a likeable underdog character.  She only delves into her usual grating persona when she goes undercover as Byrne’s gruff bodyguard.  Even then, her antics aren’t enough to derail the movie. 

It also helps that the solid line-up of supporting players deliver some pretty big laughs.  Allison Janney is a lot of fun as Susan’s bitchy boss, Miranda Hart has a few choice moments as her best friend, and Byrne is winning as the foulmouthed villainess.  It’s Jason Statham though who steals the movie.  He is clearly having a ball sending up his tough guy image as the badass spy who joins McCarthy in the field.  The highlight comes when he lists a number of reasons of just how badass he is, each one being more improbable than the last.

The action is so-so for the most part.  That’s really no surprise considering the focus is on the crude comedy, but there is a funny bit involving a chase through wet cement that is good for a laugh.  At least Feig gets a lot of mileage from spoofing the James Bond franchise.  The biggest laughs come from the scene inspired by Bond’s gadget maker Q.  When Susan goes to receives her gadgets, they are… well…  Let’s just say James Bond wouldn’t be caught dead using any of them.

Overall, this is one of McCarthy’s best.  It’s certainly more fun than Ghostbusters and has a lot more laughs than The Heat.  I still think Bridesmaids is my favorite McCarthy flick, but this one is a fine showcase for her talents.

SEX OF THE WITCH (1973) **

A rich patriarch condemns his backstabbing family on his deathbed.  After the reading of the will, the family members go off and shag like minxes.  Then one of the family members gets bludgeoned to death by a mace.  There is more revelry as his relatives go out and continue to shag like minxes.  A diary that contains a detailed history of the family’s sordid past (including an ancestor who dabbled in “gene manipulation”) may hold the secret to the killer’s identity.   That is, if the relatives can stop shagging like minxes long enough to pay attention.

Sex of the Witch is kind of like a Reading of the Will movie from the ’30 reimagined as a lurid Euro-thriller of the ‘70s.  It’s short on plot and filled with scenes of sleaze and sex.  That sounds like a promising idea, but most of the sexual encounters are brief or low on nudity.  Still, they are rather plentiful, which helps keep you watching.  A swinging orgy at a club while an acid rock combo sings “Yes, I Know” is among the highlights.  My favorite scene though was when I Spit on Your Grave’s Camille Keaton was taken by force by a dude brandishing deadly silver fingernails. 

Keaton isn’t the main character, but she gives the best performance as one of the many horny relatives.  Her haunted eyes and creamy skin make her stand out in a cast full of Italian sexpots.  You’ll wish she had more screen time as she is far and away the most memorable presence in the film.

The title is slightly misleading, but it sort of makes sense if you stick around long enough.  Likewise, the reveal of the killer is farfetched, although you might be entertained by it if you can get yourself on the movie’s oddball frequency.  It’s so slow moving and confusing that I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t make it that far.  I will say the denouement goes on far too long as all the shots of people looking perplexed and/or randomly laughing hysterically will probably leave you in the same boat. 

ONE MISSED CALL (2005) **

I usually regard watching J-Horror as the cinematic equivalent of eating my vegetables.  It isn’t my favorite horror subgenre, but I think with more exposure, I gain a better appreciation for it, even though most of the modern movies are pretty crappy.  I sort of enjoyed the American remake of One Missed Call, so I figured I would give the original a whirl.  The fact that it was directed by Takashi Miike didn’t hurt.

One Missed Call is an obvious variation on The Ring.  Instead of people dying after watching a cursed videotape, they die after not answering their cellphone.  The mysterious caller leaves a message with an audio recording of how they will die in the next few days.  After Yumi’s (Ko Shibasaki) friends are killed by the curse, she too receives the ominous phone message.  With her days numbered, she turns to Hiroshi (Shinichi Tsutsumi) for help.  His sister also died from the killer call, and together, they race against the clock to save Yumi’s life. 

While it’s interesting to see such an out-there auteur like Miike tackling a mainstream idea, the results are decidedly mixed.  There are a couple of stretches where the premise really works.  Miike delivers a solid set-up and manages to attain a modicum of atmosphere.  He even pulls off a handful of effective moments.  (The appearances of the ghost’s hands are especially memorable.)

The real issue is the overlength.  While this might’ve made for a crackerjack eighty-eight-minute movie, the premise really buckles thanks to a running time that borders on two hours.  Not to mention the fact that for every sort of cool moment Miike gives us, there is another that tries our patience or just plain doesn’t work.  The plot also makes a few odd detours that could’ve easily been excised in the cutting room and no one would’ve missed them.  There are also about two too many fake-out endings in the third act that also add unnecessarily to the running time.

I have to say that while there are a few choice moments here, for the most part, the movie is a frustrating experience overall.  I enjoyed the remake more because of its sharper focus.  (Even then, it really wasn’t all that great).  If this One Missed Calls calls you, hang up.

AKA:  You’ve Got a Call.  AKA:  The Call.

XTRO 3 (1995) *

A Marine captain leads a platoon of grunts to a long-deserted military internment camp on an island in the middle of nowhere.  Their mission is to track down and detonate any and all landmines that may have been left behind on the island.  When they accidentally set off a mine, it cracks open a large cement slab containing a killer alien who goes around and begins making short work of the soldiers.

Man, if you thought Xtro 2 was bad, wait till you see this one.  (Or better yet, don’t.)   Not only does it contain some of the worst CGI you’ve ever seen, it features some of the most annoying characters in film history.  It’s like as soon as they show up, they’re like, “Hi, we’re the soldiers from Xtro 3, and we’ll be annoying the shit out of you for the next ninety minutes.”  Seriously, I was rooting for the little alien pipsqueak to turn all of them into Alien Chow about two minutes into the movie. 

The alien is of the generic Close Encounters/Fire in the Sky variety, so it’s apparent that very little thought went into creating the creature.  Not only does the movie steal from Close Encounters, the alien can also camouflage itself just like the Predator.  (He even rips a guy’s spine out in one scene.)  There’s also a scene in which he pukes acid in a guy’s face just like The Fly.  He does make spider webs to trap his prey, so I guess that’s novel.

What’s strange is that all three Xtros were made by the same guy, Harry Bromley Davenport.  The first film is straight-up classic, which makes the fact that the sequels are so shitty seem inexplicable.  It’s like Davenport took everything that made the original memorable and chucked it out the window when it came time to make 2 and 3.  (All the Xtros are unrelated, for whatever reason.)

The cast is mostly amateurish, but we do have the great Robert Culp in a few scenes as the Major who sends the troops on their mission.  Whatever air of respectability the movie has comes from Culp.  There’s also Wishmaster’s Andrew Divoff as the asshole in charge, and Tom Hanks…’s brother, Jim as one of the soldiers. 

AKA:  Xtro 3:  Watch the Skies.