THE INTRUDER WITHIN (1981) **

Chad Everett stars as the head “tool pusher” on an oil rig in the middle of the ocean in this Made for TV Alien clone.  Head geologist Joseph Bottoms forces Chad and his crew to work day and night.  After all that constant drilling, they eventually dig up a slimy eel creature who bites and kills one of the workers.  Later, an old timer cuts himself on one of the creature’s eggs and goes nuts and kills himself.  Another guy gets infected and rapes a co-worker and she gives birth to a big monster that terrorizes what’s left of the cast.

The Intruder Within is an early ‘80s Made for TV Movie, and as such, it falls victims to the sluggish plotting and pacing inherent in one of these deals.  (We also get a lot of camera push-ins and fade-outs that signal where the commercial breaks should go.)  I will say the rape scene, though quite tame, must’ve been kind of shocking for an ‘80s Made for TV Movie.  It’s in scenes like this where you can tell the film wants to be a bit schlockier and nastier than your typical Move of the Week, but the standards and practices office just wouldn’t allow it. 

I’ve always liked Chad Everett, and he does a solid job here.  If you’re gonna have a monster running loose on an oil rig, he’s as good a guy as any to be at the helm.  It’s also good to see Rockne (Black Samson) Tarkington in a sizeable role. 

Despite being a bit grungier than your average TV horror flick, The Intruder Within is boring for the most part.  The final reel has a little bit of pep in its step, but it’s kind of a slog to get to that point.  At least it was made before the likes of the similarly themed Leviathan and Deepstar Six.  The monster is pretty cool though.  It kind of looks like a variation on one of the monsters from Humanoids from the Deep, but with a big shit-eating grin.  If only he inhabited a R-rated flick, he could’ve really done some damage. 

LADY PSYCHO KILLER (2018) ***

Lady Psycho Killer is sort of like a college coed version of American Psycho.  A teenage girl (Kate Daly) snaps and decides to rid the world of scumbag men.  (Like Patrick Bateman, our psycho girl narrates constantly and even keeps a little notebook of all her grisly murders.)  I know, I know, they did that already.  It was called American Psycho 2, and it was terrible.  Don’t worry though, because this is a whole lot better.  (Although, quite honestly, about 99% of every movie ever made is better than American Psycho 2.) 

I think the filmmakers were trying to use serial killing as a metaphor for a young girl’s coming of age.  While that angle of the movie isn’t entirely successful, it does have a surprise or two up its sleeve and is a little better at every turn than you’d expect.  The best stretches of the film play out like a drama you’d see on the CW, except… you know, with a serial killer. 

All this could’ve quickly devolved into sophomoric drivel, but the fine performance by Daly anchors the film and makes it more than a sum of its parts.  She does an admirable job in her first (and as of this writing, only) role as she balances her character’s girl-next-door charm with her over the top psychotic tendencies.  I’m not sure why she hasn’t made any other movies because she’s a lot of fun to watch here.

The great supporting cast also helps.  We have Ron Jeremy as a strip club owner, Malcolm McDowell as a creepy neighbor, and Daniel Baldwin (who’s only in it for like thirty seconds) as a victim.  Michael Madsen seems like he’s having the most fun as he is amusingly miscast as a psychology professor.  At all times, he just looks and acts like Michael Madsen, and only occasionally reminds you he’s supposed to be a scholarly professor when he puts on a pair of reading glasses.  It’s pretty great.

Lady Psycho Killer isn’t a classic or anything, but I had quite a bit of fun with it.  While it doesn’t always work, it’s only eighty-one minutes, moves at a brisk pace, and doesn’t have any wasted scenes or superfluous moments.  When you watch as many movies as I do, you come to appreciate things like that. 

BACK IN BUSINESS (1997) **

Former football-player-turned-action-star Brian Bosworth starring in a DTV action movie from Phillippe Mora, the man who gave the world Howling 2 and 3?  What could go wrong?  Plenty!

The Boz stars as an ex-cop who now works as an auto mechanic.  His former partner (Joe Torry) ropes him back into action, asking for his help on a big-time undercover sting operation.  After a lot of rigmarole, they find themselves in a Shelby Cobra filled with heroin and have to find a way to outsmart the dirty cop villains. 

Back in Business (which was passed off in some territories as a sequel to The Boz’s classic Stone Cold, even though they are completely unrelated) is scattershot at best and slipshod at worst.  Things just sort of happen at random as the script feels more like it was recycled from parts of other (better) movies and Scotch-taped together.  It’s disjointed, sure, but it’s sporadically amusing. 

Most of the humor comes from Bosworth’s attempts to work on his anger issues.  Throughout the film, he constantly calls a radio show therapist to discuss ways to apply his anger management techniques.  Most of this isn’t exactly laugh-out-loud funny, but the scene where he smashes up a yuppie’s car for condescending to him is worthy of half a chuckle. 

Bosworth looks like he’s having fun.  You just wish he had better material to work with.  He’s not bad during his solo scenes, but the movie doesn’t really work when he’s teamed with Joe Torry.  I think they should’ve teamed The Boz up with former Yankee manager Joe Torre instead.  Just think!  It could’ve been a titanic pairing of two sports legends.  Alas, it was not meant to be.  We do get a scene where The Boz plays basketball with Torry in his boxer shorts, so… there’s that.  However, this seemingly inconsequential scene goes on so long that you have to wonder if it was secretly a test pilot for a White Men Can’t Jump TV show. 

Torry is more annoying than funny, unfortunately.  He has a bit of chemistry with Boz, but again, his dialogue just isn’t sharp enough to elicit laughter from the audience.  At least Brion James is on hand to essay the villain role, and we get a bit by a young Michael Clarke Duncan as a henchman.   

AKA:  Stone Cold 2:  Heart of Stone.  AKA:  Heart of Stone. 

POSSESSOR (2020) **

Director Brandon Cronenberg tries to show he can be a chip off the old block with the icky, moody, but empty Possessor.  Like his old man, David Cronenberg, he has a way with throwing the red stuff around.  He even uses some of the same motifs that his father trademarked throughout his career.  (There are bits that will remind you of Existenz, Videodrome, and Scanners.)  Unfortunately, just like Daddy Cronenberg, Brandon’s ice-cold aloof approach really keeps the audience at arm’s length from the characters.

Andrea (Mandy) Riseborough is an assassin who works for a mysterious organization.  During a job, her mind is connected to a random average citizen and she uses her mental energy to force them to kill her targets.  Her latest thought-controlled assassin (Christopher Abbott) doesn’t like having his noodle scrambled, so he fights back and sets out to turn the tables on Riseborough for messing with his noggin.

I like the idea of Possessor more than I liked the execution.  While the film is often gorgeous to look at (it reminded me of a Denis Villeneuve movie in some stretches), the pacing is stagnant, and the characterizations are almost non-existent.  The first act is the best as we get to learn the ins and outs of how the mind-control technology works.  Once Riseborough hops into Abbott’s body, things go out the window fast.  That’s mostly due to Abbott’s awful performance.  I know he’s supposed to be acting as if someone else is at the controls, but he at all times looks like a mannequin who just came to life.  (It doesn’t help that his character has about as much depth to him as a mannequin.)

Another issue is the subplot with Riseborough’s family.  We never really get to know them, which really takes the air out of the final scenes.  Imagine if we actually cared about any of the characters and we might’ve had a winner on our hands. 

Cronenberg does show us some quick glimpses of extreme gore here and there to justify Possessor’s existence.  The print I saw was the “Possessor Uncut” version, which adds in a couple shots of erect penises.  However, all the cocks I saw were clearly circumcised.  So much for being “Uncut”.

AKA:  Possessor Uncut. 

UNDERCOVER BROTHER 2 (2019) ** ½

The world wasn’t exactly clamoring for a seventeen-years-later DTV sequel to Undercover Brother, but we got one anyway.  Despite having some major reservations about the whole enterprise, it didn’t turn out too bad all things considered.  While there are some huge missed opportunities here, I found myself laughing consistently throughout, and the social satire worked as well as could be expected. 

Shortly after the events of the first movie, Undercover Brother (Michael Jai White) and his younger brother Lionel (Vince Swann) go to stop the evil Mr. White (Barry Bostwick) in his mountaintop lair.  He gives them the slip, causes an avalanche to disguise his getaway, and the two brothers wind up frozen in the ice for sixteen years.  Lionel eventually thaws out, and since Undercover stuck in a coma, he sets out to make his brother proud by stopping Mr. White’s son (Steven Lee Johnson) from taking over the world via his chain of coffeeshops.

The big stumbling block here is the casting of Michael Jai White.  I’m not saying it was a bad idea.  I’m not saying he does a bad job.  What I am saying is that with his big afro, retro wardrobe, and badass demeanor, the whole things feels like the filmmakers wanted to do Black Dynamite 2, but couldn’t get the rights, so they just settled on making Undercover Brother 2 instead.  The fact that he spends most of the movie in a coma is another rotten choice.  It’s even more perplexing since he occasionally pops up as an Obi-Wan-style ghost to give his brother motivation.  I’d much rather have seen him kicking ass than dispensing pep talks in a ghostly form.  Don’t get me wrong.  Swann does a decent job in White’s stead, but I can’t help but imagine how great this could’ve been if White had been in the driver’s seat the whole time. 

The surprising thing about Undercover Brother 2 is that it contains a fair amount of laughs, so it’s not too hard to overlook some of its shortcomings.  The biggest laugh comes when White learns his brother has been “cuttin’ bitches” and then we see him at work as a dog groomer.  The social commentary is also fairly strong as the villain’s big plan is to control the world with a drug called “Woke” that causes its users to become overly socially conscious.  Subtle?  No, but it works.  I mean the satire isn’t exactly Swiftian, but for a movie called Undercover Brother 2, it’s got more on its mind than you’d expect.

HAVEN (2006) * ½

Haven tries for the whole Pulp Fiction-style gimmick of having three interconnected stories of various lowlifes and criminals.  It even has a pretty stacked cast of hungry up-and-comers, veteran character actors, and pretty boys trying to flex their acting muscles.  While the cast is strong, the writing is weak.  You know your characters are paper-thin when a cast this talented is unable to breathe any life into them. 

All three stories revolve around various criminals in the Cayman Islands.  The first centers on Bill Paxton, who plays a white-collar thief who escapes to the Islands with his troublesome daughter (Agnes Bruckner) in tow.  The second tale involves a beach bum (Orlando Bloom) who deflowers Zoe Saldana and must face the wrath of her angry brother (Anthony Mackie).  The final story is about Paxton’s banker (Stephen Dillane) who tries to cut a deal with the cops and escape the island with a cool million. 

The stories amble on without much urgency or drive.  The first story in particular is a total waste of Bill Paxton as he is given virtually nothing to do.  The scenes of Bruckner getting involved with some hoodlums at a drug-fueled party are pretty unpleasant too. 

The part where Mackie throws acid in Bloom’s face is shocking though.  Not because seeing the usually handsome Bloom being disfigured is shocking.  It’s more because we’re shocked that something actually happened in the movie.

It’s all pretty laughable though because after Orlando Bloom has acid thrown in his face, he looks… well… just like Orlando Bloom. 

The stories eventually intersect and overlap, but it seems more like an excuse to reuse footage to pad the running time.  I get what writer/director Frank E. Flowers (who hasn’t made a movie before or since) is trying to do.  He wants to contrast the white-collar criminals who come to the island to the street-level ones who inhabit it year-round.  It’s just that it’s clunky and not thought out very well.

I did think it was funny that so many characters called each other “pussyhole” though. 

SPY (2015) ***

Melissa McCarthy and director Paul Feig return for their third collaboration in this solid spy spoof.  McCarthy stars as Susan, a CIA desk jockey who uses spy satellite footage to help guide secret agent Bradley Fine (Jude Law) through his dangerous missions.  (She’s kind of like a combination of Miss Moneypenny, Oracle, and Debbie, your Time-Life operator.)  Fine’s latest mission is to stop a rich heiress (Rose Byrne) from selling nukes to terrorists.  The mission winds up being a complete failure, resulting in Fine being killed in the line of duty and the identities of all the CIA’s field agents being compromised.  Susan’s boss (Allison Janney) has no choice but to send her into the field to observe and report, but naturally Susan gets in way over her head. 

McCarthy does a fine job for the most part, especially early on playing a likeable underdog character.  She only delves into her usual grating persona when she goes undercover as Byrne’s gruff bodyguard.  Even then, her antics aren’t enough to derail the movie. 

It also helps that the solid line-up of supporting players deliver some pretty big laughs.  Allison Janney is a lot of fun as Susan’s bitchy boss, Miranda Hart has a few choice moments as her best friend, and Byrne is winning as the foulmouthed villainess.  It’s Jason Statham though who steals the movie.  He is clearly having a ball sending up his tough guy image as the badass spy who joins McCarthy in the field.  The highlight comes when he lists a number of reasons of just how badass he is, each one being more improbable than the last.

The action is so-so for the most part.  That’s really no surprise considering the focus is on the crude comedy, but there is a funny bit involving a chase through wet cement that is good for a laugh.  At least Feig gets a lot of mileage from spoofing the James Bond franchise.  The biggest laughs come from the scene inspired by Bond’s gadget maker Q.  When Susan goes to receives her gadgets, they are… well…  Let’s just say James Bond wouldn’t be caught dead using any of them.

Overall, this is one of McCarthy’s best.  It’s certainly more fun than Ghostbusters and has a lot more laughs than The Heat.  I still think Bridesmaids is my favorite McCarthy flick, but this one is a fine showcase for her talents.