TAINTLIGHT (2009) ** ½

Taintlight is writer/director Chris Seaver’s spoof of Twilight.  If you’ve seen Seaver’s Terror at Blood Fart Lake, you might already know what you’re in for.  Anyone unfamiliar with Seaver’s brand of juvenile humor will probably hate it, but I thought it was better than any of the actual Twilight movies it’s spoofing.

It helps that Meredith Host does a mean Kristen Stewart impression as the new girl in school, “Stella”.  This fact is made especially evident when she has funny dialogue like, “I’m going to my room so I can look out the window and brood awkwardly!” to recite.  Even when the punchlines don’t land, she is still fun to watch thanks to her deadpan demeanor and spot-on impression.  Kurt Indovina, who plays the glittery vampire, “Edgar Mullens” isn’t nearly as impressive, but that’s perfectly okay when Host is so damned funny.  

Taintlight is kind of amusing when it’s mocking its intended target.  The scenes where Seaver uses low-fi ingenuity to spoof the big budget original are often rather clever.  For example, the scene that pokes fun at the big moment where Edward saves Bella from being hit by a car is just flat-out funny.  The over-the-top close-ups of Edgar and Stella looking longingly at each other are good for a laugh too.  (I also liked the way Seaver was able to mimic Twilight’s bluish hues on a nearly nonexistent budget.)  However, it’s noticeably less successful when it devolves into Seaver’s typical over the top humor.  

At least the vampires in this one suck blood and have fangs, which is more than you can say for Twilight.  Heck, there’s more blood spilled in this flick than the entire Twilight franchise, so that’s a plus.  Another bonus:  It’s only an hour long.  Even with that kind of abbreviated running time, it still manages to feel overlong, but at least Seaver knew when to throw in the towel, an instinct many his SOV contemporaries often lack.

In short, Taintlight is one of Seaver’s best efforts, mostly because he has clear blueprint to work from.  By doing a riff on Twilight, he can use that film’s storyline to hang his trademark brand of humor on.  Is mocking Twilight akin to shooting fish in a barrel?  Sure, but Seaver hits more than he misses, which is more than I can say for a lot of his movies.  Although it pretty much falls apart in the third act, the finale does feature the screen’s first vampire death by Frisbee, so that’s worth something.

PET SHOP (1995) *

A pair of aliens arrive on Earth disguised as cowboys and take over a small pet shop in the middle of the Arizona desert.  Terry (Friday the 13th Part 7:  The New Blood) Kiser is the patriarch of a dysfunctional family who are in the Witness Protection Program who move to town in order to hide from the Mob.  When his daughter (Leigh Ann Orsi) drops by the pet store, the aliens give her a dog that also happens to be an alien in disguise.  More kids get extraterrestrial pets, but they soon realize the cowboy aliens intend to kidnap the town’s children and sell them as pets in a galaxy far, far away.  

Pet Shop is a dumb kid’s movie from Charles Band’s Moonbeam Entertainment.  As such, I shouldn’t be so hard on it, but it is just plain bad.  It’s full of odd elements that never gel together, crappy effects, and irritating performances.  The whole Witness Protection subplot is especially incongruous.  I mean who thought combining E.T., Explorers, and the ending of Goodfellas was a good idea?

The aliens are mostly annoying and more than a little cheap looking.  The dog looks like a deranged Muppet, the rabbit resembles a broken Furby, and the turtle looks like one of those Land Before Time hand puppets they used to sell at Pizza Hut with some minor alterations.  The only animal that remotely looks decent is the lizard, which has some surprisingly well-done animatronics for its face and neck.  They must’ve blown the effects budget on that guy, because everything else looks like crap.   The “human” aliens are pretty pathetic as they have a cyclops eyeball hidden under their cowboy hat that shoots freeze rays.

The kids are all rather annoying, and the adults don’t fare much better.  I know this is a kid’s movie, but everyone plays things way too broadly for it to be remotely funny.  The only semi-clever part is the broken sign on the pet shop that is missing its “P” so it reads, “ET Shop”.  That’s about as funny as the movie ever gets.

SCARED TO DEATH (1981) **

William Malone made his directorial debut with this sporadically successful mix of Alien and Halloween.  A bunch of sexy women are being murdered by a slimy monster called “Syngenor” (Synthesized Genetic Organism).  When the police are helpless to stop the killings, they turn to a former cop-turned crime novelist (John Stinson) to help track down the monster.

In addition to directing, Malone also co-wrote, co-produced, and created the monster.  He’d later go on to make Creature (another Alien clone) and the House on Haunted Hill remake.  He gives us all the stalking peeping tom POV shots of women getting dressed and terrorized in their cars that you’ve come to expect from a slasher flick.  Just to keep things interesting, he tosses in a memorable scene where the creature stalks some roller skaters.  

The slimy monster was obviously inspired by H.R. Giger’s Alien design (it even has a mouth inside of its mouth).  Heck, you can probably say that about any monster from an ‘80s movie.  At least this one looks better than most Alien rip-offs.  You can tell Malone really liked the design too because he shows the monster a lot, skipping with all the “you’ve got to keep the monster in the shadows for the first two acts” shenanigans that most directors try to pull.  On the other hand, a lot of scenes are way too dark, which kind of takes some of the fun out of it (although that might’ve been more the fault of the print than Malone’s).

If Malone concentrated solely on blending together aspects of Alien and Halloween, it might’ve worked.  (Although the attack scenes where the camera violently shakes in Syngenor’s face get repetitive.)  However, the stuff with the writer’s love life really bogs things down.  These scenes play out like a romantic comedy that isn’t romantic or funny.  The detective scenes are halfhearted as well and feel like a half-assed TV pilot or something.  

It doesn’t help that Stinson is stiff as a board in the lead.  A big miscalculation on the script’s part was sidelining the likeable heroine (Diana Davidson) about halfway through.  I guess Malone was going for the Janet Leigh in Psycho thing, but the brainy scientist (Toni Jannotta) who takes on the heroine role in her stead is pretty annoying.   

Ten years later, a quasi-sequel, Syngenor was released without Malone’s involvement.

AKA:  Scared to Death:  Syngenor.  AKA:  The Aberdeen Experiment.

HOCUS POCUS (1993) **

I’m not entirely sure how Hocus Pocus has garnered a cult following in recent years as it’s mostly a dumb kids movie with only a few worthwhile moments sprinkled about to keep it from being totally forgettable.  I guess if you were seven years old in the ‘90s and saw this on video, it might’ve been an OK gateway into horror.  For anyone else, it’s kind of hard to sit through, unless you’re a die-hard Bette Midler fan, that is.

The new kid in school (Omri Katz) doesn’t give a shit about local legends and warnings, so he goes into the town’s haunted house, lights a forbidden candle, and brings about the return of a trio of witches (Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Najimi) who were hung for kidnapping children during the Salem Witch Trials.  They then set out to suck out all the souls of the kids, in town starting with our hero’s little sister (Thora Birch).  He then teams up with a talking cat and the most popular girl in school (Ladybugs’ Vinessa Shaw) to stop the witches and save his sister.

Hocus Pocus is a dumb kids movie, which is fine.  I am not the target audience for this sort of thing.  I’m just saying a dumb kids movie would’ve been infinitely more tolerable if it wasn’t for the constant mugging of the three witches, all of whom are pretty annoying.  Bette hams it up to almost embarrassing levels.  Kajimy and Parker are basically just there to repeat each other’s lines or finish each other’s sentences, which gets on your nerves in a hurry.  It also doesn’t help that Bette sings a terrible rendition of “I Put a Spell on You” (it must’ve been a contractual obligation) and Parker does half a number while casting a spell.  

There is, however, one legitimately weird and creepy scene when the talking cat gets ran over and flattened by a car.  Since it’s immortal, its bones break back into place and he comes back to life.  Another memorable part is the running gag when they keep referring to Katz as a “virgin”, not something you’d expect in a Disney movie.  

Sleepwalkers’ Mick Garris co-wrote and co-produced, which maybe explains why some of this threatens to work at times, but for the most part, Hocus Pocus is kinda bogus. 

CRY MACHO (2021) **

Cry Macho begins on a puzzling note.  An old rodeo hero (Clint Eastwood) far past his prime arrives to his job late and is chewed out by his boss (Dwight Yoakum), who promptly fires him.  This scene is longwinded, awkward, and filled with exposition.  Then, we see a newspaper clipping of Clint riding broncs in his glory days that miraculously comes to life and becomes old newsreel footage.  But never mind that, because here comes another scene that takes place one year later (later than the first scene and not the scene with the newspaper) where Yoakum breaks into Clint’s house and offers him money to go down to Mexico and kidnap his long-lost son (Eduardo Minett).  

Which begs the question:  Why did we need the opening scene of Clint being chewed out by his boss in the first place?  Why couldn’t we just cut right to the scene where he hires him to go to Mexico?  Couldn’t they just add some extra dialogue bits if they wanted to make it clear he fired Clint the year before?  Then again, the last thing this movie needs is more exposition.  I mean the first fifteen minutes is nothing more than Clint listening to other people describe the plot.  Shouldn’t Clint the director be SHOWING us all this and not telling us?  The film was based on a book unread by me, but in a book, you can get away with pages and pages where characters tell other characters about stuff that happened a long time ago that is pertinent to the plot.  It’s a little different in a movie.  

Things improve slightly once Clint and the kid hit the road, but not much.  It’s still a little patchy, but at least there’s more connective tissue in between scenes than there was in the early going.  That still doesn’t excuse the odd fade-outs that wind up fading back into the same scene.

Look, nobody does it (or more accurately, did it) better than Clint.  He is still one of my all-time heroes.  I don’t want to sound ageist or anything, but man, I think he should’ve hung it up with The Mule.  That was a great flick with Clint playing an age-appropriate role.  Here, we’re asked to believe the ninety-one-year-old Clint is maybe in his… sixties (?) and it still seems like a stretch.  The all-too obvious way the camera tries to hide Clint’s gaunt figure in silhouette, from behind, and from afar just compounds the fact.   

I’ve believed a lot of shit in movies over the years.  Believing a ninety-one-year-old man can punch out a guy three times younger than him is a bit much.  Or seeing him (or more accurately, his stunt double) riding a bucking bronco.  One thing I did believe that happened during the movie:  Clint getting Montezuma’s Revenge from drinking Mexican water.  

Then there are the random ass scenes that are supposed to pass for character development.  Like in the middle of one of the film’s many driving scenes, Clint suddenly blurts out, “You’re kind of growing on me, kid!”  Again, he’s telling us, and not showing us how they’re bonding as the compliment is completely unearned.  When you get to be ninety-one, I guess telling us is about all you can do.

At its heart, Cry Macho is a road movie.  After the awkward set-up, the film gets better once Clint and the kid head out on the road, and they slowly begin to appreciate each other’s company.  (It’s kind of a thematic retread of Gran Torino.)  I guess they were going for an offbeat feel because the kid only agrees to go with him as long as he can bring his pet rooster, a fighting cock named Macho, along for the ride.  Eventually, the crusty Clint learns to accept Macho too.  

Reportedly, Clint only shot six hours a day, and often using the first take.  That might explain why some of the early scenes feels closer to Ed Wood than Clint Eastwood.  However, as the film goes along, you can sort of see what he was going for if you squint hard enough.  Since Clint is a master at squinting, that probably explains why it made sense to him and not the audience.

PSYCHO GOREMAN (2021) ** ½

Mimi (Nita-Josee Hanna) is a bossy little girl who finds an evil extraterrestrial warlord buried in her backyard and names him Psycho Goreman (Matthew Ninaber).  Thanks to a magic amulet, she can control his every move, which comes in handy when she needs an extra player for dodgeball.  Once the P.G.’s dreaded nemesis Templar Pandora (Anna Tierney) learns of his location, she goes to Earth to stop him once and for all.

Psycho Goreman has a decent premise, but its Amblin Meets Troma schtick is spread a little thin over the film’s ninety-five-minute running time.  While there are a couple of laugh-out-loud moments to be had, I can’t help but think that this would’ve made for a better faux-Grindhouse trailer than an actual full-length movie (or at the most, a half-hour short).  You could pull off a tonally out-of-whack idea like this off in a three-minute trailer and not have to worry about it.  When you have Psycho Goreman killing innocents while his young sidekick acts like a brat, it’s sometimes hard to take.  

The special effects are spotty, but I think that was intentional.  The Psycho Goreman himself is a cool amalgam of Syngenor and Wishmaster.  The other aliens are cheesy looking for the most part.  Many would not have cut it on an episode of Power Rangers.  They aren’t bad per se, and possibly could’ve looked more effective (and dare I say realistic) if director Steven (The Void) Kostanski didn’t film them with bright lighting while holding the camera on them for so long.  

It’s a tricky thing to make a readymade cult item like this.  Compare this to something like Death Rider in the House of Vampires.  With that film, Glenn Danzig believes everything on screen is pure cinema, which is what makes it so damn fun to watch.  Kostanski on the other hand seems to be clapping himself on the back for coming up with such a zany premise.  That layer of detachment kind of keeps Psycho Goreman from really clicking.  I will say that as far as these kinds of things go, you can do a lot worse (as was the case with Kostanski’s insufferable Manborg).  I have to admit, when it works, it’s kind of fun.  

THE BIZARRE ONES (1968) **

A babe who looks zonked out on drugs hops in her car and heads to a swinger party.  Along the way, she picks up a hitchhiker who says, “I don’t have to rape my women—They come to me!”  Naturally, he insists they bone, so she ties him up using a handcuff rig in her car (who needs AAA when you have BDSM?) and blows him.  Leaving him tied up, she goes to the party where more people are tied up and used for the pleasure of others.  Things take a turn for the worse when the party moves to a nearby river where everything comes to a tragic end.  

Directed by Henri Pachard (who’d later go on to make a slew of hardcore flicks), The Bizarre Ones has a decidedly Warholesque feel to it.  And by that, I don’t mean that it’s arty.  I mean that it features crummy black and white photography and long static shots where nothing much happens.  

There is a heavy concentration on S & M, but like the title implies; some of this shit is so bizarre it’s hard to know if anyone (including the actors and/or characters) are getting anything out of it.  Consider the scene involving a clunky portable sex machine.  It takes forever for the guys to set it up (outdoors), and once they put the woman in there, it offers so little payoff, that you have to wonder if it was all worth it.  Maybe that was Pachard’s intent after all.  He wanted to show you just how involved being a bizarre one was.  He wanted the audience to know if you’re gonna take a woman out into the woods and put her into a portable sex machine, you have to deal with wrangling extension cords and laboriously setting up equipment before you even think about coaxing her into the machine.  He wanted to show us that being a bizarre one is not nearly as glamourous as we seem to think.

Other allegedly kinky goings-on:  A girl is tied up and force-fed black rope licorice.  Another is strapped to the luggage rack of a car and taken for a ride.  (So THAT’S what Samsonite feels like!)  The film also contains the first use of a hammock as bondage paraphernalia, so it has that going for it.

One plus is that it features a lot of outdoor bondage, which is something of a novelty in these pictures.  So, if that’s your thing, you might dig it. Unfortunately, the poorly dubbed dialogue is laughable, and the droning sitar-heavy soundtrack will surely have you nodding off in no time.