NO TIME TO DIE (2021) ***

Daniel Craig’s fifth and final turn as Ian Fleming’s 007 is a nice change of pace from the mostly dour, joyless past couple of entries in the James Bond saga.  I think he knew this was going to be his swan song, so he decided to finally loosen up a bit and give the fans what they want to see.  Namely, a fully loaded Aston Martin, cool gadgets, hot babes, villains with facial deformities, and henchmen with quirky gimmicks.  Oh, and HUMOR!  Can you imagine Craig’s Bond actually tossing off one-liners and double entendre like Roger Moore?  Can you imagine Craig’s Bond actually looking like he’s having FUN?  What a novel concept!

In fact, the first two hours of No Time to Die had me convinced that Craig had belatedly found his footing and created a James Bond that fans of previous incarnations of the character could embrace and love.  As it turns out, he was basically setting us up for the final forty-five minutes or so, which finds him back on his sourpuss streak (although it’s still not without its fun moments).  I’m sure the ending will be long discussed and dissected by Bond fans, and for me, it worked, even though it was kind of a lot to process.  Further viewings will probably only enhance my enjoyment of the film.  (As is the case with most Bonds, although to be perfectly honest, I haven’t even revisited Spectre since I saw it opening night, so who knows?)  All I can say is that I firmly believe Craig accomplished everything he set out to do with the character, and he exits the franchise with a resounding mic drop.

No Time to Die is the longest Bond film on record, which is a lot of the problem.  It almost feels like two Bonds for the price of one.  There’s the funny, breezy (but also deadly serious at times) set-up that establishes the players, both new and old.  (Like all of Craig’s Bonds, your enjoyment may hinge on your knowledge of his previous installments.)  We learn Bond has been off the grid for five years and is brought back into the game by his old pal Felix Leiter (Jeffrey Wright, excellent as usual) to recover a deadly virus.  There is a terrific sequence in Cuba where Bond teams up with a sultry rookie agent (Ana de Armas) and a rather nifty attempt on Bond’s life that goes south.  We also learn that all roads lead to Blofeld (Christoph Waltz, slightly better here than in his underwhelming last turn as the character), and that Bond’s former flame Madeliene (Lea Seydoux) may be holding back A Very Big Secret.  The final third, while making concessions to the Bond movies of old (there’s an island lair containing a missile silo), is very much in line with the typical Craig era interpretation of the character, but it’s not without its charms, and is surprisingly, dare I say, moving to boot.  Like many Bonds, it suffers from a lot of needless bloating (at least Quantum of Solace was a three-chords, in-and-out affair), but seeing as this is Craig’s final go-round, maybe, perhaps I can give him a mulligan.  I’d say he’s earned it.  

Anyway, here’s the real review for Bond fans:  

The Pre-Opening Title Sequence:  There’s a lot to unpack here.  It’s a little jumbled as it has to set-up Madeliene’s big secret, remind us of Bond’s former flame, and show us that Bond retiring maybe wasn’t a good idea.  What is a good idea is letting him drive a gadgets-filled Aston Martin and kill lots of bad guys.  As far as these things go, it probably ranks somewhere on the lower end of the spectrum since it ends on an emotional note, and not an action one.  That said, it starts the film off in fine fashion.  ***

The Opening Title Sequence:  Like many of the post-Dalton Bond movies, there’s way too much CGI and not enough naked women photographed in silhouette for my tastes.  However, it’s one of the better Craig-era title sequences.  I particularly thought the guns lined up in spirals to make a very deadly looking DNA pattern was a nice touch.  ***

The Song:  When I first heard “No Time to Die” by Billie Ellish, I quickly dismissed it as the worst Bond song of all time.  Now seeing it in the proper context alongside the visuals of the title sequence, I like it slightly more, but not much.  Like “Writing’s on the Wall”, it’s a boring, forgettable tune and not something you’d expect (or want) from a Bond song.  **

Bond:  This is by far my favorite Craig performance in a Bond movie.  He finally nails the tone of the earlier Bonds while still making it his own.  Whether hammering drinks in the midst of a shootout or coolly hopping off speeding motorcycles, he shows what kind of a Bond he could’ve been all these years if he wasn’t busy being so glum in his last four movies.  He also hits all the dramatic notes you’d expect him to, which goes without saying.  ****

The Gadgets:  The Aston Martin scene is top notch.  Bond also gets a watch armed with an EMP.  He and the new 007 (Lashawna Lynch) also get to take a ride in a glider that looks and functions a lot like the one in Escape from New York.  Not to be outdone, the bad guys have magnetic suits that help them briefly defy gravity in order to make a nifty getaway.  *** ½ 

Bond Girls:  Seydoux matures nicely into the role of Madeleine Swann.  She was a little aloof in the previous outing, but now seems much more like a match for Craig’s Bond.  This is the most chaste Bond has been since The Living Daylights as he’s strictly a one-woman man, but de Armas and Lynch are both capable and badass in their action sequences and hold their own alongside Craig.  *** ½ 

M:  M (Ralph Fiennes) proves to be more of an asshole than usual.  That’s a good thing though, because it sort of advances the plot and opens up the possibility that James might not be playing on the right side this time out.  Fiennes is great once again and gets to say, what I believe is the only F-bomb in 007 history.  *** ½ 

Villain(s):  Waltz does a good job as Blofeld, although I’m not sure I fully embrace his Hannibal Lecter take on the character.  Rami Malek underplays the main villain Safin, perhaps a hair too much.  However, I dig his harlequin mask get-up.  ***

Villain’s Plot:  This might hit close to home for some folks, but it’s all about (SPOILER) weaponizing a virus.  It’s a novel twist on the typical save-the-world scenario.  If it didn’t come out during a pandemic, it probably would’ve seemed downright inventive.  ***

Villain’s Lair:  It’s your typical island fortress filled with a bunch of scientists in containment suits and armed guards out the wazoo.  It’s another day at the office, but a welcome one.  ***

Villain’s Henchman:  A dude with a glass eye that contains a camera.  He’s not exactly Odd Job or anything.  At least Bond gets to toss lots of eye-related puns and quips his way, which is always a good thing.  ***

Martinis:  Bond drinks one.  ***

Movies Ripped Off:  Dr. No:  Lots of dudes in plastic radiation suits running around when the villain’s lair is getting blown up.  [REDACTED]:  There’s a doozy of a previous Bond movie that is being reworked here, but if I told you, it might spoil the whole ball of wax.  (They even play that film’s song over the end credits!)  For Your Eyes Only:  Bond visits a former lover’s grave as well as dispatches a helpless bad guy via shoving a disabled car.  [REDACTED]:  Again, if I told you, I’d spoil it.  All I’ll say is that Bond goes out for revenge.  Again.  Die Another Day:  Bond has to contend with a younger agent that just may be his match that also happens to be a strong and capable African American woman.  

Bottom Line:  No Time to Die is my third favorite Craig-era Bond.  A solid entry that contains a thrilling first two hours, as well as a divisive ending that may or may not take some Bond fans out of the movie entirely.  I personally thought they stuck the landing nicely, making it a fitting curtain call for Craig’s interpretation of the character.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #10: CAROUSHELL (2016) ***

(Streamed via Crackle)

We’ve all been at a point at our job when we just want to break free, walk out, and never look back.  The main character of Caroushell, Duke has the same problem.  The fact that he’s a killer carousel horse is beside the point.  

An internet influencer’s world is shattered when her stripper mother informs her she must babysit her bratty little brother.  She takes the kid to the local amusement park, and he happens to sit on Duke.  After he tells the wooden horse to “eat a dick”, Duke decides he’s finally had enough and leaves the carousel once and for all.  He then goes around the park killing those who’ve wronged him, eventually setting his sights on the little brat and his sexy sister.  

If you can’t tell, Caroushell is a dumb movie, but it’s my kind of dumb.  It’s also almost always a little bit better than you expect.  For example, I kind of expected Duke to stab people in the throat with its horn.  I kind of expected him to say amusement park-related wisecracks after he killed someone like, “You must be this tall… to DIE!”  I didn’t, however, foresee him using a machete and making an homage to Friday the 13th Part 6:  Jason Lives.  

Yes, it’s dumb, but it also contains a handful of hearty and genuine laughs.  While not all of it works, you have to tip your hat to the filmmakers for stretching out such a thin premise in an entertaining way.  Heck, the movie even knows when it’s running out of ideas and comments on it as well.  You’ve got to respect that.

Another plus is that it’s only sixty-six minutes long, which is probably the ideal length for a movie about a wisecracking sentient serial killer carousel horse.  In fact, it’s still probably a tad overlong as it starts to run out of steam before it reaches its climax.  That said, where else are you going to see a drunk partygoer seducing a carousel horse?  Although it’s not quite up there with the killer snowman rape scene from Jack Frost, this sequence is still a winner in my book.  

VENOM: LET THERE BE CARNAGE (2021) ***

Venom was a much-better-than-expected superhero slobber-knocker thanks to its zany energy and a Nicolas Cage-level bonkers performance by Tom Hardy.  The sequel, Let There Be Carnage offers up more of the same, and why not?  It’s big, loud, dumb fun, and frankly, the world could use a little of that right now.  

The first act is its funniest.  We find reporter Eddie Brock (Hardy) and his alien symbiote Venom in a less than harmonious place.  They bicker like an old married couple, both feeling that one doesn’t fully appreciate the other.  Eventually, they break up and Venom goes on to have a wild night of partying, going to a rave, getting drunk, being covered head to toe in glow-in-the-dark light stick necklaces, and hopping on stage to profess his love for everyone in the room.  Sadly, he still misses Eddie.  

Before the split, Brock gets a scoop to interview serial killer Cletus Kasady (Woody Harrelson), who bites him on the hand and inadvertently drinks some of Venom’s blood.  Just as he’s about to be executed, the symbiote Carnage takes control over Kasady and he more than lives up to his name, causing carnage and mayhem wherever he goes.  It’s then up to Venom and Eddie to make amends and reunite before Carnage brings the city to its knees.  

While the first act keeps the swimming-in-the-lobster-tank vibe of the original, it becomes more formulaic as it goes on.  That isn’t really a bad thing though.  No one can fault the movie for dillydallying as it moves like a freight train.  Sometimes, it even feels as it’s rushing itself towards the climax.  Sure, you might wish that the pace stopped for a breather now and again, but at ninety-seven minutes, it’s much shorter than your average comic book flick nowadays.  I for one appreciate these things when they aren’t bloated, overstuffed, and overlong. 

Once again, Hardy brings his own quirky charm to the role.  His domestic scenes with Venom are quite winning and he does a good job at struggling to maintain normalcy while talking to your average person on the street.  Harrelson is a perfect match for him.  He’s clearly having a blast, even if his role is little more than a slight variation on his character from Natural Born Killers.  (He even has a demented lover/partner in crime he has to break out of jail.)  As Hardy’s love interest, Michelle Williams comes perilously close to having absolutely nothing to do, but she does it quite well.

By the time the film devolves into your typical superhero fisticuffs, it manages to still carry a spark of personality, even if the finale is a little overly familiar.  As a fan of Venom and Carnage in the comics, it scratched this fanboy’s itch.  The same goes for the post-credits tag.

I’m sure you could nitpick this movie all day.  Although it has its share of flaws, it remains zippy, mindless, and entertaining.  It kind of reminded me a bit of the old pre-MCU superhero flicks of the ‘90s and ‘00s.  It’s messy, cheesy, and takes liberties with the source material, but it's a damned good time, nevertheless.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #9: DRACULA’S DAUGHTER (1972) ***

(Streamed via Corpse Collective)

Louisa (Britt Nichols) rushes to visit her dying mother, who informs her that she is a direct descendent of the vampire Count Karlstein (Jess Franco regular Howard Vernon).  Upon her mother’s death, Louisa inherits the family castle where she is almost immediately bitten by the Count.  Meanwhile, a police inspector (Alberto Dalbes) searches for a killer who has left his victims with gaping neck wounds.

Director Jess Franco gives us a rather suspenseful scene right out of the gate.  A peeping Tom watches in the shadows as a beautiful woman undresses and bathes.  Franco does a neat thing here to let the audience know that this isn’t meant to be titillating, but creepy by cutting away from the naked woman to an extreme close-up on the peeper’s bulging eyeball every twelve seconds or so.  Many directors will give you a point of view shot of the killer, but Franco gives us a point of view of the killer’s point of view.  

The film’s centerpiece is a long, romantic sequence where the vampiric Louisa seduces her sexy cousin Karine (Anne Libert) and they indulge in incestuous lesbian vampire sex.  There is a lot of chemistry between the two performers and the scene is a lot more tender and erotic than you might expect.  Their final tryst together isn’t quite as good though and is undone by the odd music choice that sounds like a temp track from a Tom and Jerry cartoon.  

Whenever the film concentrates on the romance between Nichols and Libert, it is quite involving.  It’s only in the second half, when the inspector character is introduced, that it begins to run out of steam.  Despite its drawbacks, Dracula’s Daughter remains a stronger than usual offering from Franco.

Speaking of Franco, he has a sizeable role as the off-brand Van Helsing character.  He arguably gives the best performance too, although I would say Nichols manages to surpass him, based on the strength of her love scenes.  Vernon isn’t given much to do as the vampire except rise slowly from his coffin a couple of times, so if you’re a fan of his, you might be disappointed.  Lina Romay (who isn’t listed in the credits on IMDb) also pops up briefly early on, but sadly, disappears pretty quickly.

AKA:  Daughter of Dracula.   

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #8: THE ASTROLOGER (1975) **

(Streamed via ConTV)

The Astrologer is the directorial debut of James Glickenhaus, the man who gave us The Exterminator.  It is nowhere near the immortal classic that film was.  However, watching it makes you appreciate how much he grew as a filmmaker in the years between the two movies.

Alexi (Bob Byrd) is the head of the “Interzod” program that uses astrology and computers to locate and identify those with “zodiacal potential”.  The latest Interzod report suggests that a cult leader from India named Kajerste (producer Mark Buntzman, director of Exterminator 2) just might be the Antichrist.  Another startling development:   Alexi’s wife Kate (Monica Tidwell from Nocturna) just may happen to be the second coming of the Virgin Mary.  Who will prevail in the ongoing struggle between good and evil?  

The beginning is weird, confusing, and stupid.  It shows still images of the moon landing while a narrator goes on and on about astrology.  It kind of reminded me of those old commercials for Time Life books.  “Did this movie really suck?  READ THE BOOK!”  The old school computer font used for the title cards is pretty sweet though.  

Every time it seemingly raises an interesting idea (like Alexi already knowing Kate is the Virgin Mother, marrying her, and then not giving her any in order to keep her virginal), it inevitably gets bogged down with more chitchat.  Sure, there’s an occasional moment of bloodletting and T & A, but they aren’t nearly enough to salvage the talky sections.  Speaking of T & A, there is at least one great scene where Tidwell goes to have her fortune told, only to be informed by the gypsy woman she’ll have to strip in order to have her palm read.  This is my kind of fortune telling!

Former Playboy Playmate Tidwell has a winning presence and makes for a likeable heroine.   Everyone else in the cast acts like a stuffed shirt.  Whenever Tidwell is on screen, The Astrologer is at the very least, watchable.  Whenever it slides into long, dull, talky tangents filled with pseudointellectual nonsensical psychobabble, it’s a severe drag.   The constant cutting back and forth from Alexi in D.C. to Kajerste in India only bogs the pace down more.  The total non-ending is a major letdown as well.  I’m sure Glickenhaus did everything he could to make a good movie with the limited means at his disposal, but it just wasn’t written in the stars.

AKA:  Suicide Cult.

DEATH WEEKEND (1977) *** ½

Brenda Vaccaro stars as a fashion model spending the weekend with her dentist boyfriend (Death Wish V’s Chuck Shamata).  While on their way to his lakeside retreat, they are terrorized by a gang of hooligans in a hot rod.  Little do they know Vaccaro can really drive and she manages to run the creeps off the road.  Eventually, the goons find out where they are staying and set out to get revenge.  

Produced by Ivan Reitman and written and directed by William (Funeral Home) Fruet, this Canadian-lensed thriller is anchored by a fine performance by Vaccaro.  She’s allowed to be stronger and more capable than many of the women in jeopardy you usually see in these kinds of films.  She certainly shows more backbone than her boyfriend and puts up a heck of a lot more of a fight.  It’s Don Stroud who steals the movie as the psycho ringleader of the gang of crazies.  Stroud always excelled at playing unhinged characters, but this is one of his best performances.  

Death Weekend proves to be a little better than you’d expect at just about every turn.  Just when the film looks like it’s going to settle down into a lull, Fruet will introduce a nasty little touch to keep it interesting.  Take for instance the scene where Vacarro is getting settled in her room and the camera cuts back to show that maybe Shamata isn’t such a nice guy after all.  Another little touch I liked was when the camera shows a “No Trespassing” sign and then slowly pans down to show that someone is indeed trespassing.  Fruet’s handling of the opening chase sequence is even much better than you’d expect.

There’s also a bit of a class warfare element here.  The blue-collar thugs are having way too much fun dressing down the well-to-do dentist and his interior design choices.  They also relish taking advantage of the classy fashion model that is clearly out of their league.

While Death Weekend is technically a rape n’ revenge movie, they don’t spend as much time on the rape as you might think, and it’s not done in an overly gratuitous manner.  It was made in between Straw Dogs and I Spit on Your Grave and contains elements of both of those films.  While not on the same level, it remains a crackling and effective thriller in its own right.

The revenge sequences are pretty sweet too.  They involve stabbing, explosions, vehicular manslaughter, and my favorite, quicksand.  When I was a kid, I had a fear of quicksand, so every time, I see someone die via quicksand in a movie, it gets to me.  As a connoisseur of quicksand scenes in cinema, it delights me to say, Death Weekend has one of the best.

AKA:  The House by the Lake.  

MIDNIGHT INTRUDERS (1973) **

Midnight Intruders kicks off with a long scene of the Husband (Alain Mayniel) and the Wife (Francoise Darc) making love intercut randomly with footage of planes taking off and landing.  It’s hard to tell if the shots of the planes are supposed to be important to the plot or symbolic of the couple’s lovemaking.  Turns out it’s both.  You see, after the achieving lift-off in the bedroom, the Husband catches a flight to go on a business trip.  

While he’s away, the Wife has an affair with the Lover (Alexander Chapuies).  Predictably, the Husband comes home early, catches them in the act, and bludgeons the dude to death.  That’s just a taste of the terror the night has in store for the Wife.

Written and directed by Gary (Amanda by Night) Graver, Midnight Intruders suffers from some inconsistent sex scenes.  While Graver manages to make a few look kinda arty (like the red-tinted three-way), others are either boring or laughable.  Even then, some of the arty looking ones fall flat, like the cool looking sauna sequence that is undone by some awful fake Bob Dylan music on the soundtrack.  Other odd scenes, like the extended foot massage and the part where the Wife and the Lover fuck fully clothed in the shower just plain don’t work.  

The first half is basically a skin flick.  (The Wife must do it like six times straight with the Lover.  How can the Husband ever expect to compete with THAT?)  Things switch over to horror at the halfway point with the Wife having to deal with not only her murderous husband, but also a pair of scummy thieves who literally drop in on her.  After dabbling in home invasion horror, it then turns into a crime flick in the closing minutes, wrapping things up with a completely unsatisfying and abrupt ending.  

Midnight Intruders is only an hour long, but despite the brief running time, there are long scenes that ramble on needlessly.  (I’m thinking specifically of the shooting up scene accompanied by annoying distorted fuzztone guitar.)  The awfully dubbed dialogue is sometimes good for a laugh, and the title sequence is kinda freaky too, so it’s not all bad.

AKA:  The Wife.