(Streamed via ConTV)
The Astrologer is the directorial debut of James Glickenhaus, the man who gave us The Exterminator. It is nowhere near the immortal classic that film was. However, watching it makes you appreciate how much he grew as a filmmaker in the years between the two movies.
Alexi (Bob Byrd) is the head of the “Interzod” program that uses astrology and computers to locate and identify those with “zodiacal potential”. The latest Interzod report suggests that a cult leader from India named Kajerste (producer Mark Buntzman, director of Exterminator 2) just might be the Antichrist. Another startling development: Alexi’s wife Kate (Monica Tidwell from Nocturna) just may happen to be the second coming of the Virgin Mary. Who will prevail in the ongoing struggle between good and evil?
The beginning is weird, confusing, and stupid. It shows still images of the moon landing while a narrator goes on and on about astrology. It kind of reminded me of those old commercials for Time Life books. “Did this movie really suck? READ THE BOOK!” The old school computer font used for the title cards is pretty sweet though.
Every time it seemingly raises an interesting idea (like Alexi already knowing Kate is the Virgin Mother, marrying her, and then not giving her any in order to keep her virginal), it inevitably gets bogged down with more chitchat. Sure, there’s an occasional moment of bloodletting and T & A, but they aren’t nearly enough to salvage the talky sections. Speaking of T & A, there is at least one great scene where Tidwell goes to have her fortune told, only to be informed by the gypsy woman she’ll have to strip in order to have her palm read. This is my kind of fortune telling!
Former Playboy Playmate Tidwell has a winning presence and makes for a likeable heroine. Everyone else in the cast acts like a stuffed shirt. Whenever Tidwell is on screen, The Astrologer is at the very least, watchable. Whenever it slides into long, dull, talky tangents filled with pseudointellectual nonsensical psychobabble, it’s a severe drag. The constant cutting back and forth from Alexi in D.C. to Kajerste in India only bogs the pace down more. The total non-ending is a major letdown as well. I’m sure Glickenhaus did everything he could to make a good movie with the limited means at his disposal, but it just wasn’t written in the stars.
AKA: Suicide Cult.
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