EROTICISE (1983) ***

In the ‘80s, workout tapes were all the rage.  As was softcore smut.  Writer/director Ed Hansen, the genius he is, hit upon a million-dollar idea:  Why not combine the two?  Thus, Eroticise was born.  

What is Eroticise, you ask?  Well, it LOOKS like the average workout tape your great aunt would watch.  However, stick with it past the first twenty minutes or so of fully clothed stretching, warm-ups, and exercises and you’ll be treated to long workout routines performed by sexy naked women on someone’s deck (probably Hansen’s).  Except for all the thigh-high legwarmers and sweatbands, of course.  I mean, this was the ‘80s after all.  

What makes Eroticise worth watching, aside from the au natural aerobics?  Well, the fact that Kitten Natividad is one of the performers makes this an immediate classic in my book.  Just watching the impossibly busty Kitten bounce, gyrate, jiggle, and cavort around totally nude is enough for me to recommend this wholeheartedly.  (Natividad and Hansen went on to collaborate on the Takin’ It Off series, which are also well worth watching.)  The scenes with the other ladies are pretty good too, and the routines in which they all participate in the exercises together are a lot of fun.  (I’m thinking specifically the part where they all lay in a circle and do bicycle kicks.)  The final cooldown sequence where the ladies splash around in a hot tub pouring champagne on each other is the perfect capper on an already awesome hour of non-stop fun.

Will anybody ever use Eroticise as an honest to God workout tape?  Unless the only muscle they intend on exercising is their forearm, probably not.  (For many… okay… me, that’s exercise enough.)  There is nothing in the way of actual instruction and/or informative substance here.  What there is plenty of is scenes of Kitten Natividad and company naked, and for me, that was enough.  

GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE (2021) ***

Freshly evicted from their New York apartment, a single mom (Carrie Coon) and her two kids (McKenna Grace and Finn Wolfhard) move to her father’s dilapidated farmhouse in the middle of nowhere to start anew.  One thing she never told her kids:  Their grandfather was a Ghostbuster.  He also left behind clues to prevent a major supernatural cataclysm the likes that hasn’t been experienced since 1984.  It’s then up to the kids to save the town (and possibly the world) from the evil spirits.  

Ghostbusters:  Afterlife was co-written and directed by Jason Reitman, son of the original Ghostbusters director, Ivan.  What makes the film work is that he gives the film his own unique comedic spin while very much honoring what came before.  When the movie is doing its own thing, it works rather well.  The early scenes of the kids finding the proton pack, PKE meters, and traps is a lot of fun, as is the scene where they take the old ECTO-1 out for a test spin to bust their first ghost.  

When Reitman leans into the nostalgic aspects of the story, he leans perhaps a little too hard, hammering many of the callbacks to the first film squarely on the nose.  While it suffers from the occasional “member berries” moment, when Afterlife clicks, it’s enormously entertaining.  Fans of the original may be dismayed that it takes a while for the OG Ghostbusters to make their entrance, but it’s well worth the wait.  Again, some of their schtick relies too heavily on what they did thirty-seven years ago, but there is at least one huge laugh to be had during their brief reunion.  Do I wish they had more to do?  Yes.  Do I wish the editing was a little tighter in the second act?  Sure.  However, Ghostbusters fans will no doubt get a kick out of much of the busting that takes place.  

The performances are all around great, which helps give this iteration in the franchise its own identity.  Coon is fun as the world-weary mom whose main advice to her kids is “Don’t be yourself”.  McKenna Grace is a star in the making.  Much of the movie rests on her shoulders and she gamely carries it in stride.  Finn Wolfhard isn’t quite as successful, but that’s mostly because his role is just the classic older brother cliché character.  Even then, he still gets his share of moments.  

It’s Paul Rudd who completely steals the movie as the kids’ teacher who nerds out when he sees the Ghostbuster equipment.  He also gets the biggest laugh when he shows his class a very inappropriate film.  If there is a sequel (and the post-credits scene suggests there might), I hope he becomes a full-fledged Ghostbuster because he is the best thing about the flick.  

Overall, it’s not quite as memorable as Ghostbusters 2, but it’s certainly more fun than the recent reboot.  It arguably has as much heart as the original as I will freely admit it hit me in the feels a few times.  While I wish Reitman didn’t rehash so much of the plot of the original (especially in the third act), Afterlife proves there is plenty of life left in the Ghostbusters franchise.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #24: SEXY CAT (1973) **

(Streamed via Otherworlds TV)

A cartoonist is incensed when an unscrupulous producer steals his comic book character, Sexy Cat, so he hires a private detective named Mike Cash (German Cobas) to find proof he’s the real creator.  Since a Sexy Cat television show is in the works, the artist stands to make a fortune if he finally receives credit.  Naturally, he gets bumped off by someone wearing a Sexy Cat costume in the same manner as characters in the comic strip.  Despite the fact his client is dead, the private eye decides to see the case through to the end and bring down the killer.  

The Sexy Cat character is sort of like a mix between Catwoman and Barb Wire.  They were definitely riding on the coattails of the Batman TV show, but despite the title, it’s much more like a giallo where a killer murders their victims during bloody, over the top set pieces.  Daggers, snakes, plastic bags, and cat claws are all used to make mincemeat of the murderer’s targets.  Director Julio Perez (Hot Panties) Tabernero gives the film a fun, colorful, poppy vibe that at least makes it visually interesting whenever the plot starts spinning its wheels.  

After a fine set-up, things slow down to a crawl once the film settles into a rhythm of Cobas interrogating the various suspects (including a stereotypical comic relief “dress maker” who is accompanied by a whimsical music cue).  It’s here where it starts to feel like a ho-hum TV detective pilot.  The movie particularly loses a lot of flair once Dyanik (The Hanging Woman) Zurakowska is killed off.  At least she looks great and has a couple of nude scenes before meeting her demise.  

Bottom Line:  Whenever it concentrates on the comic book killer offing her victims, it's enjoyable.  When it gets bogged down with a lot of talk, it’s decidedly less than purr-fect.    

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #23: KILLER BARBYS (1996) ***

(Streamed via Kino Cult)

Jess Franco directed this fun and gory rock n’ roll horror flick.  The Spanish punk band, The Killer Barbies are on their way to a gig when their van breaks down.  They wind up spending the night in a nearby creepy castle owned by a bedridden Countess.  As it turns out, she is a centuries-old vampire who intends to drink the band dry in order to regain her youth.

It’s easy to see why Franco would want to work with The Killer Barbies as lead singer Silvia Superstar looks dynamite on stage wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini while screaming about sex, murder, Troma, and comic books.  It’s a match made in Heaven if you ask me.  The movie itself kind of has the feel of an R-rated Scooby-Doo episode (or maybe Josie and the Pussycats since it features a rock band led by a sexy singer).  Even though it was made in the mid ‘90s, there are some sequences here that look like they come straight out of a Franco film from the ‘70s as the fog-drenched outdoor scenes, grimy special effects, and Vaseline-smeared camera lenses harken back to Franco’s golden era.  One particularly memorable sequence finds the Countess’s minions chasing a nude groupie through the woods, ending on an unlikely (but highly enjoyable) note.  

I think my favorite moment though was the awkward dinner party where the Barbies do some simple math and figure that their sexy hostess should be about a hundred years old.  Slightly miffed, she whips out her tit at the dinner table and says, “Is this the breast of a woman of one-hundred?”  What makes this scene even better is the fact that the Countess is played by none other than Burial Ground’s Mariangela Giordano!   Remember the sexy MILF who breastfed her zombie kid in that movie?  She still looks great too.  Oh, and to answer her question, I have to say her breast looks much better than any hundred-year-old (or sixty-year-old, which is how old she was when she made the movie) breast I’ve ever seen.  Later in the film, Giordano seduces a band member and looks simply incredible while writhing naked on top of him, proving that age is just a number when it comes to being wickedly sexy.  

While there are flashes of brilliance here and there, the film does kind of dawdle when it enters the homestretch.  It’s here where things devolve into an endless series of scenes of Silvia Superstar wandering down the smoky corridors of the castle.  Since she does so while wearing Spider-Man Underoos, it’s hard to complain too much.  Fortunately, Franco sends us off on a high note by delivering a great death by steamroller and what has to be one of the most hilarious scenes of defenestration ever captured on film.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering why the movie is called Killer Barbys and the band is called The Killer Barbies, it’s because Mattel, who owns the Barbie copyright sued Franco and made him change the title—No, seriously! 

Franco and the Killer Barbies reunited six years later for a sequel, Killer Barbys vs. Dracula.

AKA:  Vampire Killer Barbys.  

SHANG-CHI AND THE LEGEND OF THE TEN RINGS (2021) ***

I can’t say Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings is one of the best films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but it is an interesting attempt to make a Marvel flick in the style of a Kung Fu movie.  (Or is it a Kung Fu movie done in the style of a Marvel flick?)  The prologue has a kind of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon feel to it, and the big Kung Fu set piece on a runaway bus plays like a Jackie Chan version of Speed.  Like most of these things, it’s pleasant and enjoyable, although the effects kind of overwhelm it by the time the end credits roll.  

Shaun (Simu Liu) looks like just another slacker valet.  In reality, he’s a badass named Shang-Chi who possesses the deadly hands of Kung Fu.  He’s hiding out from his warlord father (Tony Leung) who wants him to go into the family business of being a deadly assassin.  Naturally, he eventually comes looking for Shang-Chi to give him a new assignment, but can he really trust his dear old dad?  

The cast is uniformly strong.  Liu proves to be a solid action hero.  He’s capable in his fight scenes and handles his dramatic stuff in fine fashion.  Awkwafina dials down her usual shtick and makes for a decent sidekick.  Leung makes the biggest impression and has many more layers to him than your typical Marvel villain.  I also enjoyed seeing Florian (Creed 2) Munteanu as the badass henchman with a machete for an arm as well as Michelle Yeoh in the smallish role of Shang-Chi’s aunt.

There are some janky looking CGI here and there, but it’s nothing that takes you completely out of the moment.  The good news is the fight scenes are much better than your typical Marvel movie.  Many are done in long takes and camerawork during the fights are done with a steady hand, which is appreciated.  The final battle sequence plays like an Asian inspired version of the Wakanda scenes in Black Panther.  They work pretty well too, that is, until the cheesy dragon fight takes prevalence over the human drama and action.  Still, I guess these comic book spectacles are entitled to their over-the-top CGI sequences.  

Like any good Kung Fu flick, there’s a sequence set in an underground fight club.  Since it’s a Marvel jam, they all use superpowers.  It’s cheesy and garish, and reminded me of something out of an early ‘00s X-Men movie (and I mean that as a compliment).  This scene also figures a couple obligatory cameos just to remind you it’s all taking part within the larger scheme of the Marvel Universe.  There are other familiar faces that feel like fan service but are entertaining enough.

Overall, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings is about middle of the road as far as the MCU goes.  I’m sure we’ll see much more of him in the future, which is a good thing.  Maybe more Marvel movies will take a page from this one and deliver crisp and coherent action sequences.  

 Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

DON’T BREATHE 2 (2021) ****

The Blind Man (Stephen Lang) is back!  The man who did for turkey basters what Norman Bates did for showers returns to sock it to another bunch of home invaders stupid enough to trespass on the nutzo Navy SEAL’s property.  This time, it’s a gang of scuzzy ex-military black market organ harvesters who want to strip his adopted daughter (Madelyn Grace) for parts.  It does not take them long to realize they fucked with the wrong blind man.  

While there’s nothing here that comes close to matching the immortal turkey baster scene of Fede Alvarez’s original, I have to say that new director Rodo Sayagues creates a number of nifty sequences.  The scene where the home invaders stalk Grace is full of long takes that not only serve to heighten the suspense, but also map out the geography of the house for the audience.  There’s also a clever sequence in which she is locked inside a metal box that is slowly being filled with water as well as a harrowing bit involving a wheelchair and a machete.  My favorite part though was when Lang busted out some Krazy Glue on a perp, and for my money it’s the best Krazy Glue scene since Under Pressure with Charlie Sheen.   

I know some viewers took issue with the filmmakers trying to take such a despicable character from the original and make him out to be the hero in this one, but as we learned from The Chronicles of Riddick, sometimes you have to fight evil with another kind of evil.  I mean how can you argue with a movie’s morals when it takes its redemption arc nearly verbatim from the Return of the Jedi playbook?  As the Video Vacuum always says, “If you’ve got to steal from somebody, steal from the best!”

While it falls just shy of matching the insanity of the first movie, Don’t Breathe 2 is a worthy sequel.  It features more choice moments in one single suspense sequence than most sequels can muster in their entire running time.  In short, it will leave you breathless.   

DEEP THROAT PART 2 (1974) ½ *

It’s been a long time since I saw Deep Throat.  From what I seem to remember, Linda Lovelace had a clit in her throat, which why she had to suck so much dick.  This sequel is a SOFTCORE spy comedy.  The fact that it was directed by Joe Sarno gave me hope it would be memorable.  As it turns out, this Deep Throat is about as shallow as they come.  

Lovelace wakes up and does some nude exercises during the opening credits.  This is the best scene in the movie as it’s all downhill from there.  She gets naked frequently throughout the film and that’s about the only reason preventing it from getting a NO STAR rating.  

Once again, Linda plays a nurse.  This time, she works in a sex clinic helping patients live out their fantasies.  She gets hired by the government to find the creator of a computer with a human brain and get the lowdown on it.  Naturally, Russian agents are also after the computer.  

I don’t know if this was the only time a porno movie inspired an R rated sequel, but it was definitely the first.  I mean the original was so popular when it first came out that they probably could’ve released a blank screen under the Deep Throat name and still would’ve turned a profit.  Just because you CAN release a piece of shit merely to cash in on a popular name doesn’t mean you should.  

The comedy shit is painful to watch.  (Would it surprise you to learn that Lovelace’s code name is “Agent Double-O 69”?)  Even Jamie Gillis’ overacting can’t save it.  I guess if there was some hardcore action to counterbalance all this nonsense, it wouldn’t have been so bad.  Heck, even a handful of decent softcore scenes might’ve taken the sting out of it.  However, much of the sex usually happens offscreen and/or feels like it was abruptly edited out.  I’m not sure if it was neutered by distributors or always intended to be R rated, but the results are bafflingly bad.  (Even the dialogue scenes suffer from whack-a-doodle editing choices.)  It’s especially disappointing considering it was directed by the great Joe Sarno as it is by far the worst Sarno flick I’ve seen.  

Ultimately, Deep Throat Part 2 is a shameless, cheap, and stupid cash-in with no redeeming value, other than a few nude scenes from Linda Lovelace.  What’s worse, she doesn’t even get to show off her deep throat skills!  What a rip-off!

The finale, which features a chase scene involving a dog sled, roller skaters, and a chariot, is atrocious.  Eventually, everything devolves into a lame ass pie fight.  While it’s still not as out-and-out awful as Linda Lovelace for President, it’s still one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve sat through in a long time.  

Thirteen years later, the REAL Deep Throat Part 2 was released.