SUICIDE MISSION (1973) **

Suicide Mission is another one of those El Santo adventures that finds everyone's favorite Mexican wrestler doubling as an agent of Interpol.  This time, he’s after some Nazis who have been hiding out after the war.  The ringleader kidnaps a plastic surgeon and forces him to give him a new face so he can go out and conquer the world.  It’s then up to El Santo to rescue the doctor and stop the Nazis.

It’s only seventy-five minutes, but Suicide Mission sometimes feels much longer.  The boring plot doesn’t do it any favors either and the talky set-up hobbles the pacing right out of the gate.  Stay with it though, because things improve somewhat in the second half, if only for the scenes where El Santo is jumped by random henchmen every ten minutes or so.  

Even when the movie looks like it’s going to turn itself around, it still manages to piss away its momentum.  Every time it introduces an interesting concept (like El Santo fighting a shark), it winds up feeling rushed and/or poorly executed.  Take the villain’s lair for instance.  He surrounds himself with an all-girl army of soldiers who spend their days practicing Kung Fu and… uh… volleyball.  The lethal ladies’ scenes look promising enough, but there is ultimately very little payoff.

The cheap production values are good for a laugh.  Some of the driving scenes are phony looking and the editing is often atrocious.  The scene where Lorena Velazquez watches El Santo wrestling is particularly odd.  She is seen sitting on some steps with some people cheering while shots of El Santo wrestling are hastily edited in.  The wrestling footage doesn’t match at all as it looks noticeably older with the print suffering from a lot of wear and tear.  To make things seem even more out of place, the spectators behind Velazquez are the same goons who just attacked her and El Santo in the very last scene!  It’s almost like they finished the movie and realized there wasn’t a wrestling scene in there, so they just stuck one right in the middle without much care or thought.  

On the plus side, the musical numbers are a lot of fun.  There’s a great song by a bubbly, busty babe in a spangled bikini named Pola Sanders who jiggles with gusto.  Velazquez also gets an energetic number, even though her wild gyrating sometimes seems out of step with the mellow song she’s performing.  While Suicide Mission isn’t El Santo’s worst movie, you know you’re in trouble when the songs are the best part.  (The surgeon’s final F-U to the head Nazi is pretty clever though.)  

AKA:  Mission Impossible.  

CHANOC AND THE SON OF SANTO VS. THE KILLER VAMPIRES (1983) * ½

Chanoc and the Son of Santo vs. the Killer Vampires begins in fun fashion with the origin of the Son of Santo.  El Santo (in his final film appearance) throws a smoke bomb at a guy wearing oversized sunglasses and a big porn ‘stache and when the smoke clears, he’s transformed into the Son of Santo!  If you tuned in just to see El Santo, turn it off now because he disappears as soon as the opening credits begin.  I’m sure you can probably guess it’s all downhill from there.

The filmmakers must’ve thought the Son of Santo wasn’t a big enough name yet, so they dragged Chanoc into all this.  Chanoc isn’t as famous stateside as his co-star, the Son of Santo.  He’s a fisherman/adventurer who was star of a popular comic strip in Mexico.  In 1967, the first Chanoc movie was released, followed by several sequels, usually with a revolving door of actors playing the title character.  This was my first Chanoc movie, and based on what I’ve seen here, I’m not exactly chomping at the bit to see another one.  

While relaxing in his boat, the Son of Santo notices Chanoc (Nelson Velazquez) and his sidekick Tzekub (Arturo Cobo) being tossed overboard by some nefarious evildoers.  He rescues them and they become fast friends.  Chanoc reveals the men were actually jewel thieves and the Son of Santo agrees to help capture them.  Oh, and those “Killer Vampires” the title refers to?  They’re just the bad guys wearing black robes and Halloween masks who try to scare people away from their hideout.  Real Scooby-Doo shit.

I think there was a conscious effort on the Son of Santo’s part to differentiate his screen presence from his father’s.  Unlike El Santo, his offspring is often seen out of his costume, but with his face still obscured by his sunglasses and cartoonish mustache.  Whenever there is danger, he puts on his wrestling mask and saves the day.  This Superman-type gimmick with the alter ego was quickly scrapped, and the Son of Santo resorted to being just another El Santo clone in his next movie, The Son of Santo in the Lawless Border.

One of the big problems is that both Chanoc and the Son of Santo have annoying comic relief sidekicks.  One of these guys would’ve sufficed.  Having two seems like overkill, especially when they are more annoying than funny.  The Son of Santo’s sidekick, Carlitos (Carlos Suarez) was also El Santo’s sidekick in Santo vs. the Television Killer, which at least helps give SOME semblance of continuity between this and the original El Santo series.    

Their antics become downright excruciating during the scene where they don the Son of Santo and Chanoc’s wrestling masks and decide to wrestle in their place, leading to a lame, fast-motion, comic relief tag-team match.  Luckily, the real Son of Santo and Chanoc (who wears a Blue Demon mask) show up for the rematch.  The fights that occur outside the ring are more Kung Fu-inspired than the traditional Lucha Libre flick.  While that helps give the Son of Santo his own identity, they aren’t exactly well-executed.  

It doesn’t help that there’s a lot of padding.  There are two nightclub performances, a comic relief dance sequence, and Chanoc even belts out three love songs (two while backed by a mariachi band, and one while on a double date with the Son of Santo).  This, coupled with the lack of wrestling, not to mention the lack of El Santo, makes Chanoc and the Son of El Santo vs. the Killer Vampires one of the worst El Santo flicks of all time.

THE TREASURE OF MONTEZUMA (1968) ***

The Treasure of Montezuma is a direct sequel to Operation ’67.  This time out, an international crime ring is out to steal the titular treasure.  It’s up to secret agents/wrestlers El Santo and Jorge (Werewolf) Rivero to bring them to justice.  

Directed by the legendary father/son team of Mexican cinema, Rene Cardona and Rene Cardona, Jr., The Treasure of Montezuma is yet another El Santo flick that was riding on the coattails of the success of the James Bond films.  There’s a Bond-style opening credits sequence, silly gadgets (like a freezing gun, exploding earrings, and lapel pins that double as cameras), and sexy women aplenty.  (Including a set of twins!)  While it never quite kicks into fourth gear, it’s consistently entertaining throughout.

Rivero looks like he’s having fun as El Santo’s womanizing partner, and you can’t blame him for having fun when the woman he’s womanizing is the always alluring Maura (The Batwoman) Monti (who would’ve made an amazing Bond girl at the time if given the opportunity).  He brings a different energy to the role than say, Blue Demon would’ve as he makes for a solid romantic lead.  (He kinda reminded me of Erik Estrada at times.)  Rivero also does a credible job in the wrestling ring as his tag-team match with El Santo is one of the highlights.  (El Santo also gets a solo match against an opponent known as “The Bear” later in the picture.)  

The rest of the action is fairly strong.  It helps that El Santo seems to get into fisticuffs with random henchman at the end of nearly every reel change, so at least the pacing is steady.  One memorable tussle occurs at a bullfight where El Santo tosses a goon into the bull pen, and he is promptly gored by a charging bull.  There’s also a big (well, bigger than usual) action set piece involving exploding airplanes and boats, although the ensuing climax isn’t quite as satisfying.  

Overall, The Treasure of Montezuma isn’t as out-and-out nutty as some of El Santo’s best films, but it should fit the bill for fans of both low budget Bond knockoffs and Mexican wrestling cinema.  

THE DIABOLICAL AXE (1965) ***

The Diabolical Axe hits the ground running with a great opening scene in which a funeral procession lays to rest the body of everyone’s favorite Mexican wrestler, El Santo!  Luckily for his fans, we learn from the date on the tombstone that it’s 1603, so it was really the body of his ancestor.  We then fast-forward to the present where a black-masked executioner named Black Hood (Fernando Oses) attacks El Santo in the ring mid-wrestling match and tries to chop him up with a big axe.  Thanks to a silly-looking machine, El Santo is able to visit the past and learn how his family’s feud with Black Hood began.  This knowledge just might be able to save not only El Santo’s life, but the soul of his past-lives lover (Lorena Velazquez).  

El Santo has a much more pronounced role in The Diabolical Axe than he did in many of his previous entries.  In most of those films, he was coming to the aid of other substitute heroes, but here, he’s front and center for much of the running time.  The screenwriters also concoct an elaborate backstory for El Santo, which is simultaneously longwinded and amusing.  It’s important to note that his origins are similar to The Phantom as his mask (and wrestling skills apparently) is passed down from generation to generation.

The long flashback sequences kind of feel like a forebearer to the time traveling scene in The Vampire and Sex.  Although some of the period scenes are enjoyable, they sure do hog up a lot of screen time and threaten to get in the way of the fun at some junctures.  However, there are still enough oddball touches (like the fact that a Merlin-like wizard is the one who imbues the first El Santo with his mask and powers) to keep them from derailing the proceedings.  

I guess it goes without saying that the present-day scenes of El Santo going toe to toe with Black Hood are a lot more entertaining.  The wrestling scenes are fast-paced and fun too, especially when Black Hood sneaks into the ring.  Later, he possesses El Santo’s opponent, leading to a terrific two-out-of-three falls match that features some fun super slow-motion aerobatics. 

El Santo is as fun to watch as ever, but sadly, the ever-enchanting Velazquez is sorely underutilized.  The film really could’ve used more of her incomparable charms during the sometimes-sluggish flashbacks.  On the plus side, unlike many El Santo flicks, there aren’t any musical numbers to further drag things down.  

AKA:  Santo vs. the Diabolical Hatchet.  AKA:  The Diabolical Hatchet.

SANTO VS. THE DIABOLICAL BRAIN (1963) ***

Detective Fernando (Fernando Casanova) disguises himself as a cowboy to track down his journalist girlfriend Virginia (Ana Berthe Lepe) who is working undercover as a saloon girl to get the goods on the notorious Canales (Luis Aceves Castaneda, who also played the human villain in the Aztec Mummy series).  Fernando’s partner is none other than El Santo, and whenever he gets in a jam, he can call the Silver Masked Man on his Dick Tracy-style watch and he arrives just in the nick of time to save the day.  

Lepe makes for a fine leading lady.  She gets a terrific introduction scene where director Federico (Santo in the Hotel of Death) Curiel’s camera follows her gyrating rump across the cantina dancefloor.  Another great moment comes when the leering Castaneda makes her show off her legs against her will.  Neither of these scenes are what we would call politically correct nowadays (especially the part where Casanova takes her over his knee and spanks her while El Santo is like, “Oh, whatever”), but she always leaves a memorable impression whenever she is on screen.

Part western, part Lucha Libre movie, and boasting a couple of musical numbers (including a mariachi number and a hilariously overly melodramatic love song), Santo vs. the Diabolical Brain has a little something for everybody.  As with many early El Santo pictures, he often feels like a supporting player in his own movie.  While this does prevent it from being one of his best, it remains an entertaining entry, despite the long El Santo-less stretches.  He does get one wrestling match against an opponent named “Frankenstein”, and while it is a tad brief, it’s a well put together sequence with some strong camerawork and tight editing.  

It helps that the fight scenes that take place outside the squared circle are more exciting than usual.  We get a great nightclub brawl where even the knife throwing act gets involved in the fracas.  There’s also a fun western-style barroom brawl later in the flick, and the scene where El Santo teams up with Casanova to lay the smackdown on some corrupt cowboys is slam-bang fun.  I think my favorite fight sequence though was when El Santo came charging in on horseback like The Lone Ranger to save Casanova’s bacon and soon starts tossing numerous henchmen off a steep cliff, plummeting to their death.

The climax is equally exciting as El Santo prevents the bad guy’s plane from taking off WITH HIS BARE HANDS.  In nearly all the other El Santo movies, he’s just as strong as normally he is in real life.  I particularly enjoyed seeing this superhuman feat of strength from our hero and it makes me wish he did Superman shit like this more often.

AKA:  Santo and the Diabolical Brain.

BLUE DEMON AND THE INVADERS (1969) ***

I’ve seen a lot of crappy special effects in low budget science fiction movies before, but the crappy special effects in Blue Demon and the Invaders is some of the crappiest I have ever seen, and if that doesn’t make you want to see it, I don’t know what will.  The alien’s spaceship looks like a Pogo Ball (or at least the transparent image of a Pogo Ball) that flies around on a string past close-ups of knickknacks that look like they came out of your grandma’s China cabinet.  I’m sure the director would’ve loved to have ILM working for him when the time came to show the spacecraft landing in a lake.  Instead, he had to settle for a shot of a Christmas ornament sinking to the bottom of a fishbowl, and if that doesn’t make you want to see the movie, I don’t know what will.

It gets better.  

The aliens aboard the spaceship are a bunch of moderately attractive women who dress like Dean Martin’s Gold Diggers and materialize out of a humidifier.  To get an idea of what the planet is like, they turn on television and watch a women’s tag-team wrestling match.  Their goofy, semi-lobotomized expressions are worth the price of admission.  

The women then go around kissing men and turning them into their slaves.  The specimens they want to keep for themselves get sent back to their spaceships mid-kiss by the magic of a jump-cut.  Naturally, it’s up to everybody’s second-favorite Mexican wrestler, Blue Demon to stop them.

What’s great about Blue Demon and the Invaders is that usually in these kinds of movies, it’s the alien men who want to mate with Earth women.  Having the alien sexpots be on the make for human husbands gives this a unique flavor.  In fact, I was having such a good time that I kind of forgot I was watching a Blue Demon film since he doesn’t even show up until the start of the second act.  

Admittedly, he’s kind of the weak link in all of this as he doesn’t get a whole lot of wrestling to do.  He only gets to participate in one tag team match, but it’s still a pretty good one.  On the plus side, his tussles with the brainwashed henchman are solid, especially the ones that go down in the alien’s secluded hotel hideout.  There’s also some of the requisite padding in the form of a musical number and a dance routine, although not nearly as much as I was expecting.  

Even when it spins its wheels, Blue Demon and the Invaders remains a silly and fun adventure.  Just when you think it has run out of steam, the hot aliens grab flamethrowers and start torching people, which gives the final act a much-needed lift.  The climactic dueling alien spacecrafts scene is good for a laugh too and ends things on a high note.

AKA:  Blue Demon and the Diabolical Women.  

GIRLS ON THE ROAD (1972) **

Two goody-two-shoes wallflower high school girls make a pact to finally let down their hair.  After graduation, Debbie (Kathleen Cody) and Karen (Dianne Hull) hop in a sportscar and go up the California coast looking for adventure.  Along the way, they pick up a mentally unstable Nam vet (Slap Shot’s Michael Ontkean) who is prone to violence and give him a lift to a hippie commune up the beach.  Unfortunately, there’s a serial killer prowling the area who just might be looking to make the girls his next victims.  

Girls on the Road kicks off with a fun opening credits sequence where all the titles appear as bumper stickers in a beach parking lot.  (You can also spot Uschi Digard in this sequence.)  Both Hull and Cody make for likeable leads, and their engaging presence is enough to hold your attention, even when the plot dawdles.  Ontkean is quite good as the seemingly mild-mannered soldier who occasionally snaps and beats the crap out of bikers.  It’s just a shame that his constant wavy, color-coated flashbacks get a little intrusive after a while. 

At its heart, Girls on the Road is more innocent than exploitative.  There’s a scene where Hull briefly flashes her boobs to a passing motorist, and that’s about all we get in terms of exploitation content.  (It’s PG after all.)  Like the main characters, it often feels like the film was searching for its identity as it often plays like a buffet of other movies.  You got a road trip movie, a coming-of-age movie, a beach movie, and a hippie movie all fighting for supremacy, and none of them really emerge as the clear victor.  

Most of the time, there’s a reason why most of these kinds of films had a bunch of different elements that didn’t exactly gel.  That was so they could be repackaged and sold under other titles, with advertising that played up whatever genre was hot at the time.  (The fact that it has two alternate titles kind of supports that.)  Of all the various subplots, the hippie commune stuff is probably the hardest chunk to sit through.  

Girls on the Road is watchable for the most part.  It’s kind of lightweight, but enjoyable.  That is, until the completely unsatisfying ending.  I don’t know if they were going for one of those downbeat Easy Rider type of endings, and got cold feet at the last second, or if there was supposed to be an epilogue at the end that never got filmed or what.  Whatever the case, it just doesn’t work at all.  I won’t spoil what happens.  Let’s just say it seems a bit out of left field for what had been up to that point a rather innocuous flick.

AKA:  Hot Summer Week.  AKA:  Macho Trip.