TRAILERS #11: UNIVERSAL HORROR CLASSICS OF THE ‘30S AND ‘40S (1992) ***

Fans of the old school Universal monsters are sure to enjoy this trailer compilation from Something Weird.  Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, and Lon Chaney Jr. are featured in many of the previews too, starring in both their immortal classics as well as a few lesser Universal B programmers.  Sure, lots of these trailers have appeared in Something Weird’s previous trailer comps before, but it’s nice to have them all in collected in one convenient place.  If seeing trailers for all your favorite horror flicks starring Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man, and The Mummy wasn’t enough, we also get plenty of previews for Universal’s Inner Sanctum thrillers and Sherlock Holmes mysteries.  There’s also a bunch of ads for Abbott and Costello comedies, which is always a plus.  

Most of the Universal trailers in these collections are from the Realart re-releases, and while there are a lot of those here, we also get a bunch of Universal titles from the Screen Gems television package, which is pretty cool.  Some of the highlights include The Invisible Man Returns (narrated by John Carradine), Black Friday (which plays up the publicity stunt where Bela Lugosi was really hypnotized before his acting out his death scene), The Black Cat (“You’ll Forget You Ever Saw Frankenstein or Dracula!”), June Lockhart as the She-Wolf of London (“Beauty or Beast?  Woman or Monster?”), and Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (“You’ll Howl When They Go ‘POW’!”).

While it’s fun seeing all the familiar faces of the Universal horror stable being trotted out again, it’s the more obscure trailers that are often the most interesting, if only because they aren’t played out as much.  Among them:  Atomic Monster (the re-release title of Man Made Monster), Nightmare, The Mystery of Marie Roget, and The Cat Creeps.  Volume #11 may not be one of the best trailer collections in the Something Weird line, but I do respect the fact that it has a more cohesive theme than many of the other compilations in the series.  Because of that, it’s well-worth checking out.

The complete trailer round-up is as follows:  Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, Murders in the Rue Morgue, Werewolf of London, Bride of Frankenstein, Dracula's Daughter, The Invisible Ray, Son of Frankenstein, The Invisible Man Returns, Black Friday, The Wolf Man, The Atomic Monster (AKA:  Man Made Monster), The Black Cat, Night Monster, The Ghost of Frankenstein, Nightmare, Son of Dracula, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, The Mystery of Marie Roget, Phantom of the Opera (1943), The Climax, House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula, The Cat Creeps, She-Wolf of London, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff, The Strange Door, Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, Mystery of the White Room, Night Key, The Mummy's Hand, The Mummy's Tomb, The Mummy's Curse, The Mummy's Ghost, Horror Island, Calling Dr. Death, Weird Woman, The Frozen Ghost, Pillow of Death, A Dangerous Game, Captive Wild Woman, Jungle Captive, Murder in the Blue Room, The Time of Their Lives, The Invisible Woman, Invisible Agent, Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man, Terror by Night, The Spider Woman, Dressed to Kill, The House of Fear, The Pearl of Death, The Scarlet Claw, House of Horrors, Ghost Catchers, and Man of a Thousand Faces.

TRAILERS #7: HORROR AND SCI-FI OF THE ‘50S, ‘60S, AND ‘70S (1992) *** ½

Trailers #7:  Horror and Sci-Fi of the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s is one of the better compilations in the Something Weird trailer series.  Since the ‘70s get some love this time around, that means there’s a healthy amount of color trailers to be found.  This is a nice change of pace after so many predominantly black and white collections.  Among the ‘70s classics collected here are Halloween, Dawn of the Dead, and The Exorcist.  There are also some ‘80s trailers like The Shining, Mother’s Day, and even The Empire Strikes Back (narrated by an exuberant Harrison Ford) tossed in there for good measure. 

Some of my favorites were for Fiend Without a Face, Barbarella (“See Barbarella Do Her Thing!”), and Hollywood Boulevard.  Other highlights include Blood Beast from Outer Space (“Space Creatures Snatch Girls to Mysterious Planets!”), The Omega Man, a television spot for the made for TV flick Killdozer, a double feature of The War of the Gargantuas and Monster Zero, Cut-Throats Nine (in which patrons are given a “Terror Mask”), and a double feature of The Black Belly of the Tarantula and The Weekend Murders (“The Whodunit and the What-Did-It?”)  I was also happy to see director Ishiro Honda’s work well-represented as there are trailers for The Human Vapor (“Is He Man or Astro-Man?”), Latitude Zero, and Godzilla. 

I’ve seen the first six collections in the series and all of them have been rather tame, so it was a breath of fresh air to get some sleazy shit like Venom (“Originally Banned in Denmark Itself!”) and Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS in the mix.  It was also a nice surprise to see a couple of Doris Wishman trailers (Let Me Die a Woman and A Taste of Flesh) in there as well.  The last half-hour or so is particularly fun as it is chockful of short and sweet TV spots that come at a fast and furious clip. 

In addition to the great trailers, there are also plenty of spookshow ads, concession stand commercials, coming attraction snipes, and theater ads.  My favorite was an anti-juvenile delinquent ad asking patrons not to cut up the theater seats and advising them to help “keep youngsters in line”.  Repeat trailers from other volumes (Children of the Damned, The Monster That Challenged the World, and Squirm) are also kept to a minimum, which certainly helps cement #7’s status as one of Something Weird’s best collections. 

The complete trailer round-up is as follows:  A spookshow ad, a double feature of The Thing from Another World and The Man Who Turned to Stone, Fiend Without a Face, Barbarella, Rodan, Blood Beast from Outer Space, The Giant Gila Monster, The Alligator People, Curse of the Fly, concession stand ad, Children of the Damned, an anti-juvenile delinquent ad, The Gamma People, The Day of the Triffids, Attack of the Crab Monsters, The Human Vapor, Target Earth, Varan the Unbelievable, The Creeping Unknown, The Omega Man, 20 Million Miles to Earth, Latitude Zero, Unknown Terror, The Monster That Challenged the World, The Andromeda Strain, Monster from Green Hell, Five, First Men in the Moon, This Island Earth, The Invisible Ray, Forbidden Planet, Godzilla: King of the Monsters!, Midnight, The Shining, It's Alive, The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane, Halloween, Dawn of the Dead, Killdozer, The Empire Strikes Back, The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!, Squirm, Hollywood Boulevard, Let Me Die a Woman, a double feature of The War of the Gargantuas and Monster Zero, Cut-Throats Nine, Frankenstein's Bloody Terror, The Cars That Eat People, A Taste of Flesh, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, Venom, Don't Go in the House, Mother's Day, Caveman, Dracula's Dog, War Goddess, The Night Child, Satan's Cheerleaders, The Exorcist, Goliathon (AKA:  The Mighty Peking Man), My Bloody Valentine, a double feature of Black Belly of the Tarantula and The Weekend Murders, Man from the Deep River, Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Fury, Horror of the Blood Monsters, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, Beyond the Door, a double feature of Beyond the Door II and The Dark, One Million Years B.C., Berserk!, Bug, Phase IV, a double feature of Blood from the Mummy's Tomb and Night of the Blood Monster, Silent Night, Evil Night (AKA:  Black Christmas), and Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS.

PUPPET MASTER: DOKTOR DEATH (2022) * ½

An old man passes away in a nursing home.  In his personal effects, the orderlies find a puppet called Doktor Death.  Before long, the pint-sized psychotic physician is running around the home offing patients, nurses, and staff.  The new nurse on duty, April (Jenny Boswell) just may be the only one capable of stopping the deadly doll’s reign of terror.  

I’ve seen most of the Puppet Master movies.  None of them are what you would call scary, but there are a few that offer up some silly fun.  If I’m being completely honest, seeing a little doll kill infirmed and defenseless old people isn’t exactly my idea of fun.  

I guess they could’ve approached this with a bit of social commentary.  Have the doll act as sort of a Dr. Kevorkian to the terminal patients or something.  That wouldn’t have been fun either, but at least the filmmakers could’ve made a statement about… something.  I guess that’s probably asking too much from a Puppet Master spin-off.

About halfway through, the doll takes to climbing inside his victims and makes them walk around like puppets so he can kill more people.  I have a suspicion this was done not because it was a neat idea (it isn’t) or an interesting visual (it’s not), but because it saved money on puppeteers.  The appeal of these movies has always been little dolls killing people.  Take that away and you’re not left with a whole lot, I’m afraid.  

Puppet Master:  Doktor Death is less than an hour long (like many of Full Moon’s recent films), but it still feels slow in places.  Even with the scant running time, there’s still a lot of padding.  (In addition to flashbacks from previous installments, we also have flashbacks to scenes that happened five minutes ago.)  Some of the death scenes are gory, but not enough to be memorable.  It also loses points for introducing a potentially interesting psychic character played by former Scream Queen Melissa Moore, and then doing absolutely nothing with her.  

The complete non-ending sucks too.  Imagine if they took one of those post-credit scenes in a Marvel movie and tried to pass it off as the climax.  Emily Sue Bengston is the only bright spot as the sexy nurse with an alluring bedside manner, but other than her engaging presence, this Puppet Master is not what the Doktor ordered.  

PEARL (2022) ****

Pearl takes place on a rural farm in 1918, which as it turns out, isn’t much different than today.  There’s a pandemic going on, so everybody has to wear masks when they go into town.  It is now, as it was then, such a bleak time that movies are the primary source of escape.  Another sentiment that is just as true now as it was a hundred years ago:  Brushing aside your hopes and dreams due to family responsibilities, which builds an intense resentment that borders on psychosis.  You know, the usual.  

Pearl (Mia Goth) is a farm girl with dreams of being a movie star.  Her domineering mother (Tandi Wright) does her best to keep her on the farm to care for her invalid father (Matthew Sunderland), but she can’t stop Pearl from going down to the picture show.  Despite the fact she’s married, and her hubby is off to war, Pearl has a fling with the local projectionist (David Corenswet), who tells her about a local audition to be a dancing girl.  You know the feeling when you want something so bad that you would just snap if you didn’t get it?  That’s what happens to poor Pearl.

Although Pearl is a prequel to X, it stands on its own two feet just fine.  While the setting and the occasional callback (or would it be a callforward?) are nice for fans of that film, unlike a lot of prequel filmmakers, director and co-writer Ti West resists the urge to nudge the audience and ask, “Hey, remember that?”  He does a good job at planting seeds for the future, but not at the expense of the moment.

Goth was quite good in X, but here she gives a tour de force performance.  If you saw that film, you know her character is bound to go off the deep end at some point.  The way Pearl spirals out of control, although inevitable, still manages to be tragic, and even a bit heartbreaking.  Goth has one showstopping monologue that just rips your heart out.  It will go down as one of the greatest scenes of the year, in addition to being one of the year’s best performances.

Shortly after its release, Martin Scorsese took out a full-page ad in the trades to praise the movie.  I can see why he responded to it so much as it is a love letter to not only film, but our love of it.  I think it’s cool he went to bat for a small genre flick (and a prequel at that).  There’s also a certain kinship here with Taxi Driver as well.  

X was a riff on Tobe Hooper.  Pearl feels more like a riff on the old Psycho rip-offs that William Castle and Joan Crawford use to make.  X was a cool and sleazy little slasher.  Pearl delivers in the horror department, but something tells me it will stand the test of time, thanks to Goth’s performance.  

X went for the jugular.  Pearl goes for the heart.

PIRANHA WOMEN (2022) ***

Charles Band hired Jim Wynorski to make two movies for Full Moon in 2022, so it was only a matter of time before Fred Olen Ray got a call from old Charlie Boy.  At first, I thought this might’ve been a soft reboot of the Band-produced Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, as the cannibal women in that movie were called “Piranha Women”.  As far as I can tell, this isn’t connected in any way, although there’s a chance it might’ve started out as a sort of remake until Fred went his own way with the material. 

Lexi (Sof Puchley) is slowly dying from an undisclosed illness.  After seeing countless doctors to no avail, she turns to Dr. Sinclair (Shary Nassimi) who has been using an experimental serum derived from piranhas to treat his patients.  The treatment only has one side effect:  It turns his patients into bloodthirsty, sex-crazed Piranha Women. 

Piranha Women is a throwback to the old mad scientist and half-man/half-animal movies of the ‘50s.  As popular as both genres are (let alone newfangled films like Sharknado), I’m surprised it’s taken this long for someone to combine piranha and women into one sexy, deadly package.  Leave to Band and Ray to come up with such a can’t-miss formula. 

I was already on board with this movie in the pre-opening credits scene where a guy picks up a gal in a bar and she thanks him for his Good Samaritan ways by biting off his pecker with her razor-sharp piranha teeth.  However, it really won me over during the scene where another Piranha Woman seduced a horny dude and her nipples transformed into hungry, chomping piranha mouths.  It might not quite be up to the monster boobs standard set by Bobbie Bresee in Mausoleum, but it is without a doubt the finest monster boob scene I’ve seen in some time.    

Another plus:  Like most of Band’s recent movies, it’s less than an hour long.  Sure, despite the abbreviated running time, there are some lulls here and there.  However, when I think back on Piranha Women (and I will think back on it), I won’t be thinking of the dull dialogue scenes.  I’ll be thinking of the monster boobs scenes.

I can’t say this is one of Ray’s all-time bests, but it is certainly the best one he’s made in some time.  Even if the film itself isn’t great as a whole, there are certainly moments here that flirt with greatness and show us a little of the old Ray magic.  Ray also wrote some wonderful lines like, “Holy shit!  It’s a goddamned piranha hot tub party!”  I hope Ray calls the sequel Piranha Women 2:  Goddamned Piranha Hot Tub Party.  That would be stellar.

FAMOUS T AND A 2 (2022) ***

I don’t know why it took Charles Band forty years (!) to make a sequel to his classic celebrity skin compilation, Famous T & A.  I guess that’s how long it took for him to edit all these clips together.  As far as four decades late sequels to nudity compilations go, this is about as good as it gets.  

Instead of Sybil Danning, we have everybody’s favorite mail girl, Diana Prince as our hostess for this skin-filled ride through cinema’s most titillating moments.  (Most of which come from the vaults of Band’s Full Moon Pictures.)  Prince makes for a knowledgeable and sexy hostess.  Her wraparound sequences are informative, and she is clearly eager to have an opportunity to present something like this without having to accompany Joe Bob Briggs for a change.

Things begin with a brief history of nudity in film, going all the way back to the silent era, to the lax morals of the swinging ‘60s.  We take a look at the work of cult directors like Russ Meyer (Faster, Pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!) and Jess Franco (Vampyros Lesbos) before focusing on Scream Queens such as Linnea Quigley (Fairy Tales), Michelle Bauer (Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, and Brinke Stevens (also Sorority Babes).  From there, it’s pretty much a Full Moon/Surrender Cinema clip package, which isn’t the worst thing in the world.  

Band kind of plays fast and loose with the term “Famous” as many of the starlets featured come from the Full Moon family of leading ladies.  A lot of time is devoted to actresses such as Jacqueline Lovell (Head of the Family) and Charlie Spradling (Puppet Master 2).  Although they might not exactly be household names (well, in your household, anyway), they are certainly famous (and sexy) enough to warrant attention here.  While not all the clips feature gratuitous nudity, it isn’t a deal breaker or anything.  Besides, any compilation that contains tributes to Andy Sidaris and Julie Strain is okay by me.

I just hope Band doesn’t wait another four decades before he comes out with Part 3.

BIGFOOT OR BUST (2022) **

A bunch of busty Bigfoot hunters receive word of numerous Sasquatch sightings in the woods.  They then grab their crossbows and bikini tops and set out into the wilderness to find the mythic monster.  Meanwhile, a trio of busty Bigfoot hunters from the future transport down to Earth to catch the cagey cryptid.  

Jim Wynorski’s Bigfoot or Bust has quite the cast.  We have Rocky DeMarco, Becky LeBeau, Christine Nguyen, Gail Thackray, Cindy Lucas, Debbie Dutch, and Tane McClure, just to name a few.  I think the average age of the actresses in the film is over fifty.  That is in no way a criticism.  If anything, the movie is a rallying cry against ageism and sexism in modern Bigfoot cinema.  Besides, they all look great in their sexy outfits.  Age is just a number.  Kudos to Wynorski for being one of the few directors casting these actresses in these kinds of flicks and letting them still play the kinds of roles they played in the ‘90s instead of relegating them to playing moms (or grandmoms).

Also, thank God for Wynorski for writing lines like, “I heard Bigfoot likes big titties!” and “Bigfoot can sneak up on you while you’re popping a squat!”

At its heart, Bigfoot or Bust is a throwback to old nudie movies like The Beast That Killed Women.  The problem?  There is no nudity!  I don’t know if Jim is going soft on us or what, but this thing could’ve easily been PG.  In lieu of skin, we get lots of scenes of the Scream Queens jiggling and wiggling.  That’s not the worst thing in the world, but the flick might’ve squeaked by with *** if there was some skin to be found.  

Basically, it all boils down to a bunch of scenes of the women on the expedition doing various vaguely naughty things (like pouring water over their bikini-clad bodies) while the Bigfoot watches voyeuristically from the bushes.  Actually, the format is not too different from Wynorski’s Bare Wench movies, except without the shaky-cam stuff.  And nudity, sadly.  In fact, the one bit of accidental nudity is censored when LeBeau gets out of a car, and an on-screen emoji pops up to cover her wardrobe malfunction.

It's not all bad.  There’s a funny Pulp Fiction inspired scene as well as a Sergio Leone-style shootout.  The gag of Wynorski stopping the film because it has too much sex (it doesn’t) is kind of funny and was later recycled in his Giantess Battle Attack!  It’s just that it’s heavily padded with overlong scenes (on-camera interviews, music video sequences, and musical numbers) that might’ve been tolerable had there been a little nudity.  Without it, it just feels like filler.  

The stuff with the space age ladies looking for Sasquatch scat is the biggest problem.  The lame sitcom-style canned laughter in their scenes isn’t funny and many of their gags land with an audible thud.  Things really go downhill when Bigfoot sings a country song.  (Now there’s a sentence I never thought I would type.)  Despite these missteps, it’s hard to completely hate any movie that features a gratuitous scene where the entire cast of busty babes jump up and down in slow motion on a conveniently placed trampoline.