PIRANHA WOMEN (2022) ***

Charles Band hired Jim Wynorski to make two movies for Full Moon in 2022, so it was only a matter of time before Fred Olen Ray got a call from old Charlie Boy.  At first, I thought this might’ve been a soft reboot of the Band-produced Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, as the cannibal women in that movie were called “Piranha Women”.  As far as I can tell, this isn’t connected in any way, although there’s a chance it might’ve started out as a sort of remake until Fred went his own way with the material. 

Lexi (Sof Puchley) is slowly dying from an undisclosed illness.  After seeing countless doctors to no avail, she turns to Dr. Sinclair (Shary Nassimi) who has been using an experimental serum derived from piranhas to treat his patients.  The treatment only has one side effect:  It turns his patients into bloodthirsty, sex-crazed Piranha Women. 

Piranha Women is a throwback to the old mad scientist and half-man/half-animal movies of the ‘50s.  As popular as both genres are (let alone newfangled films like Sharknado), I’m surprised it’s taken this long for someone to combine piranha and women into one sexy, deadly package.  Leave to Band and Ray to come up with such a can’t-miss formula. 

I was already on board with this movie in the pre-opening credits scene where a guy picks up a gal in a bar and she thanks him for his Good Samaritan ways by biting off his pecker with her razor-sharp piranha teeth.  However, it really won me over during the scene where another Piranha Woman seduced a horny dude and her nipples transformed into hungry, chomping piranha mouths.  It might not quite be up to the monster boobs standard set by Bobbie Bresee in Mausoleum, but it is without a doubt the finest monster boob scene I’ve seen in some time.    

Another plus:  Like most of Band’s recent movies, it’s less than an hour long.  Sure, despite the abbreviated running time, there are some lulls here and there.  However, when I think back on Piranha Women (and I will think back on it), I won’t be thinking of the dull dialogue scenes.  I’ll be thinking of the monster boobs scenes.

I can’t say this is one of Ray’s all-time bests, but it is certainly the best one he’s made in some time.  Even if the film itself isn’t great as a whole, there are certainly moments here that flirt with greatness and show us a little of the old Ray magic.  Ray also wrote some wonderful lines like, “Holy shit!  It’s a goddamned piranha hot tub party!”  I hope Ray calls the sequel Piranha Women 2:  Goddamned Piranha Hot Tub Party.  That would be stellar.