TUBI CONTINUED… DON’T LET HER IN (2021) ***

Don’t Let Her In is like a mash-up of Single White Female, Rosemary’s Baby, and your average Witchcraft sequel.  Amber (Kelly Curran) and Ben (Cole Pendery) get more than they bargained for when they accept Serena (Lorin Doctor) into their apartment as their new roommate.  At first all her New Agey crystals, knickknacks, and chanting seem cute, but before long, she reveals herself to be a witch that turns into a demon while having sex.  Eventually, Amber discovers she’s pregnant and predictably, Serena has sinister plans for the unborn baby.  

Written and directed with great efficiency by Ted (Subspecies) Nicolaou, Don’t Let Her In is only an hour long and moves right along like gangbusters.  He has a slick, workmanlike style that isn’t obtrusive to the narrative.  The script may be a tad predictable (not to mention derivative), but it hits all its marks, and the plot has no fat on it whatsoever.  That means we don’t have to suffer through any useless subplots, superfluous scenes, or extraneous characters.  When you strip a horror/thriller of that kind of baggage, you’ll be surprised just how well it works without all that excess nonsense to bog things down.  Although the ending is unceremoniously abrupt (and feels like a set-up for a sequel), it’s a relatively minor quibble in the long run.  

The casting certainly helps to mask any flaws the story may have.  Doctor (who kind of looks like Morena Baccarin’s evil twin) is an enchanting (no pun intended) presence as slinky, witchy roommate from Hell.  She’s just as much fun to watch when she’s talking in tongues and writhing out incantations as she is seducing the hapless couple.  Curran (who resembles a mash-up of Elizabeth Banks and Drew Barrymore) is a perfect foil for Doctor as her innocent beauty and overall wholesomeness makes for an ideal leading lady.  

In short, let Don’t Let Her In into your Tubi watchlist.  

TUBI CONTINUED… HALLOWEEN PUSSY TRAP KILL! KILL! (2017) **

Halloween Pussy Trap Kill!  Kill! is kind of like Killer Barbys Meets Saw.  An all-girl punk rock band is on their way to their next gig on Halloween night.  They stop at a gas station in the middle of nowhere owned by a creepy grease monkey named Dale (Richard Grieco).  He knocks them out cold and tosses them into his underground lair where an unseen “Mastermind” (voiced by Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine) pits them against one another in deadly games full of heavily moralistic do-or-die situations.  The booby traps and games include a gas that makes their worst fears come to life, acid in the sprinkler system, and forcing them to decide the fate of another group of people trapped in the lair.  

The traps and do-or-die scenarios are rather generic, but director Jared (After School Special) Cohn handles the execution about as well as you could expect.  The problem is the band members are thinly sketched and have interchangeable personalities.  They all look hot though and wear an assortment of sexy punk rock outfits, so that does help take some of the sting out of it.

There was a kernel of a good idea here, but even at a relatively scant eighty-two minutes, Halloween Pussy Trap Kill!  Kill! feels heavily padded.  Although the scenes of greedy trick-or-treaters coming to the door and getting killed by the Mastermind’s twisted wife are kind of funny, they feel like they came out of an entirely different movie.  The opening sequence featuring soldiers being captured in the Middle East also feel more like a way to pad out the running time than actual important backstory.  

Halloween Pussy Trap Kill!  Kill! may be a little on the uneven side, it still remains the best Saw rip-off starring Richard Grieco and Dave Mustaine you’re likely ever to find, so that is worth something at least.  

TUBI CONTINUED… THE NIGHT BEFORE (1988) **

The Night Before is one of those movies that was in constant rotation on cable back in the early ‘90s.  Although I caught bits and pieces of it here and there during that time, I never actually sat down and watched it all the way through.  Thanks to Tubi, I can play catch-up and plug one of my Keanu Reeves’ blind spots. 

Keanu plays a dorky teenager who wakes up in an alley with no recollection of how he got there.  He soon remembers that he and his date (Lori Loughlin) got lost on the way to the prom and wound up on the wrong side of the tracks.  One thing led to another, he got slipped a Mickey, and accidentally sold her off to a pimp named Tito.  Now, it’s up to Keanu to get her back.  

The Night Before has an OK premise for an ‘80s comedy, although some of it hasn’t aged very well.  (Ha, ha!  Sex trafficking is funny!)  It wasn’t quite as funny as I remembered it, but to be fair, the parts I remembered were weighted towards the third act.  It’s the first act that is the big problem, as it’s mostly a bunch of scenes of Reeves stumbling around and trying to remember what happened to Loughlin.  The flashback structure is really awkward and some of the ADR is painfully obvious.  Once Reeves sets out on his quest to get her back, things improve, but not enough to make it worthwhile.  

Reeves does what he can.  It’s just that his exasperated nerd character is a little bit out of his wheelhouse.  Loughlin fares better as the bitchy rich snob who lost a bet and had go on a date with him.

The Night Before was directed by Thom Eberhardt, who also made Night of the Comet, a personal favorite.  Like that flick, there are a lot of scenes of characters wandering around deserted city streets.  Unfortunately, The Night Before is sorely missing the sense of fun that made that film a classic.  

TUBI CONTINUED… THE BEAST INSIDE HER (1996) ** ½

They don’t make too many werewolf-themed Skinamax movies.  The only ones I can think of are Meridian and Tomb of the Werewolf.  Knowing that they are such a precious commodity, you have to watch these things when you can, even if the results are usually uneven.  Such is the case with The Beast Inside Her.  

Tara (Jenna Bodner) is an American who returns to her ancestral estate in Wales after the death of her father.  One night, she finds a naked girl in the wine cellar who curses her with a low-grade strain of lycanthropy.  Soon after, Tara begins developing superhuman reflexes and an insatiable appetite (both for food and for sex).  Slowly but surely, she gives into her newfound animal instincts.  

The Beast Inside Her is an odd, but not entirely engaging amalgam of traditional gothic horror flick and ‘90s erotic thriller.  While there are some atmospheric moments to be found (like the impromptu photo shoot in a cave), the film never truly embraces its horror elements, which will probably leave most horror fans a bit unsatisfied.  Luckily, the generous helping of Skinamax scenes and gratuitous nudity helps to alleviate the boredom during some of the clunkier passages.

Despite its many shortcomings, the movie has what has to be one of the most jaw-droppingly weird werewolf curse scenes in horror history.  In most werewolf flicks, the werewolf bites you and you become a werewolf.  End of story.  Here, when Bodner encounters the naked wolf girl, a giant ball of light shoots out of her, chases Jenna around her wine cellar, rips off all her clothes, and enters her.  You don’t see shit like that every day, that’s for sure.

The subplot about Bodner’s childhood friends trying to fleece her of her family fortune kind of feels padded out.  The complete non-ending/set-up for a sequel is rather underwhelming too.  Another problem is the fact that Bodner never becomes wolfy enough to label this as an out-and-out werewolf flick.  Her eyes turn black, she sprouts fangs, and runs around on all fours, but that’s about it.  (The werewolf scenes mostly seem inspired by Mike Nichols’ Wolf.)    

On the plus side, Bodner is quite good, especially during her many nude and sex scenes.  She’s equally fine when she begins embracing her newfound animalistic powers.  If only the movie truly embraced its animal nature, The Beast Inside Her could’ve been a howling good time.

AKA:  Huntress:  Spirit of the Night.  AKA:  Spirit of the Night.  

NITEMARE THEATRE’S LATE NIGHT CHILL-O-RAMA HORROR SHOW VOL. 1 (1996) ***

Here’s another Something Weird horror trailer compilation that will fit the bill for any fan of old school horror and schlock on a dark and stormy night.  It might not be one of their best, but it moves at a zippy pace as the trailers come fast and furious.  For variety’s sake, there are a couple of vintage interviews with Bela Lugosi, and a behind the scenes featurette on the making of The Golden Voyage of Sinbad (which prominently features the luscious Caroline Munroe in an array of revealing outfits).  

Things kick off with a great run of ‘50s favorites (including the AIP trilogy of I Was a Teenage Werewolf, I Was a Teenage Frankenstein, and Blood of Dracula) before segueing into ads for condensed Saturday afternoon cliffhangers (like Captain Mephisto and the Transformation Machine, Cyclotrode X, and The Claw Monster).  From then on, the bulk of the trailers are from the ‘70s.  We get lots of films starring Christopher Lee (I, Monster, The Castle of Fu Manchu, and The Wicker Man), Peter Cushing (And Now the Screaming Starts, The Creeping Flesh, and Horror Express), and Robert Quarry (The Return of Count Yorga, Dr. Phibes Rises Again, and The Deathmaster).  Finally, the show wraps up with a handful of more trailers from the ‘50s (Invisible Invaders, The 27th Day, and The Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow).   

Some of the best trailers are for werewolf pictures like The Beast Must Die, Werewolves on Wheels and Frankenstein’s Bloody Terror.  Other highlights include ads for The Fly (in which Vincent Price stops the projector because things are getting too scary), The Last Days of Man on Earth, and UFO.  Although I wish some of the trailers had been a little bit more on the racier side (especially considering the healthy amount of previews from the ‘70s), there’s plenty of good stuff here to make this another winner from Something Weird.

The complete trailer line-up is as follows:  Blood of the Vampire, The Cyclops, I Was a Teenage Werewolf, I Was a Teenage Frankenstein, Blood of Dracula, The Brain from Planet Arous, The Fabulous World of Jules Verne, The Fly, Giant from the Unknown, The Return of Dracula, Bela Lugosi interview, Intimate Interviews: Bela Lugosi, Captain Mephisto and the Transformation Machine (AKA:  Manhunt of Mystery Island), Cyclotrode X (AKA:  The Crimson Ghost), The Claw Monsters (AKA:  Panther Girl of the Kongo), D-Day on Mars (AKA:  The Purple Monster Strikes), Prehistoric Women, The Screaming Skull, And Now the Screaming Starts!, Scream Blacula Scream, The Beast Must Die, The Last Days of Man on Earth (AKA:  The Final Programme), Death Race 2000, Mansion of the Doomed, Werewolves on Wheels, The Return of Count Yorga, The Velvet Vampire, Murders in the Rue Morgue, I, Monster, Frankenstein's Bloody Terror, The Creeping Flesh, The Castle of Fu Manchu, Son of the Blob (AKA:  Beware! The Blob), Blacula, Dr. Phibes Rises Again, Horror Express, The Vault of Horror, The Deathmaster, UFO, Theatre of Blood, a featurette of The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Wicker Man, Planet of the Apes, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, Equinox, Logan's Run, The Land That Time Forgot, Silent Night, Evil Night (AKA:  Black Christmas), Strait-Jacket, Invisible Invaders, The 27th Day, Burn, Witch, Burn!, The Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow, and The Innocents.

TUBI CONTINUED… PARANORMAL WHACKTIVITY (2018) **

Michael (William Patrick Riley) and Kasey (Sasha Formoso) are a couple who move into a haunted house.  He’s a nerd and she’s hot, so naturally, she still hasn’t let him have sex with her yet.  That leaves Michael no other choice but to jerk off into his sock on a nightly basis.  He eventually decides to make a sex tape to chronicle their first time on film, but when a paranormal force begins to satisfy Kasey at night, he switches gears and tries to catch the ghost on tape.

I guess you have to hand it to the filmmakers for not taking the easy way out.  It would’ve been a lot cheaper and quicker to film Paranormal Whacktivity in the same Found Footage style of Paranormal Activity.  Instead, it’s a little bit more ambitious as it’s more of a mockumentary about the making of a haunted sex tape than just a random assortment of green-tinted shaky-cam sequences.  I’m not saying it works or anything, but I was at least grateful I didn’t have to sit through ninety minutes of sight gags and tomfoolery through the lens of grainy security footage and/or shaky-cam bullshit.

Let’s face it.  Most of this is dumb.  The sexual humor is hit and miss and the movie spoofs (of everything from Brokeback Mountain to The Hangover to even… Avatar?) fall flat.  Then again, what did you expect from a title like Paranormal Whacktivity?  

However, there are a few laughs here, which is more than I can say about a lot of these low budget sub-sub-Scary Movie spoofs.  (I liked the fact that the documentary film crew Michael hires comes complete with a bunch of grouchy Teamsters.)  The best character is a psychic played by Damitri Crayton, who is less of a Ghostbuster and more of an Ernie Hudson impersonator.  Even the director, Roger Roth seems to know when the movie is starting to run out of gas, so he appears on screen to call for more gratuitous T & A.  When you’ve watched as many bad spoofs as I have, you appreciate little moments like that.

TUBI CONTINUED… STRIPPED NAKED (2009) **

Cassie (Sarah Allen) is a stripper with an asshole for a boyfriend (Jon Cor).  One night, they have a fight in his truck, and he leaves her stranded on the side of the road.  While roaming around looking for a ride, Cassie witnesses a drug deal gone wrong and winds up in possession of a duffel bag full of money and meth.  She has visions of making a clean break and heading off to Paris, but things become complicated when the rightful owners (Read:  Drug dealers) come looking for the money.  

Stripped Naked sure knows how to lure you in with a catchy title, but the whole thing is all tease and no please.  It thinks it’s A Simple Plan, but with Strippers, but there’s an overlying lack of urgency (not to mention skin) that makes all the double-crossing less than compelling.  The script is one-note and predictable, and the “twist” ending is more confounding than anything.   

The cast do what they can with such middling material.  Allen isn’t bad in the lead, but we never quite buy her switch from desperate stripper to cold, calculating murderer.  The only name in the cast is Linden (Mortal Kombat) Ashby who is kinda amusing as the drunk owner of the strip club.  Whenever he’s on screen, the film has a sleazy vibe that is sorely lacking elsewhere in the picture.

And that’s the biggest problem:  For a movie called Stripped Naked, there is precious little stripping here.  Not that a film needs nudity solely to be successful.  It’s just that you kind of expect it when the title in question is called Stripped Naked.  As it is, the only skin we get comes courtesy of a couple of strippers in the background.  I mean, they could’ve at the very least put the Allen on the pole.  

Maybe the title is supposed to be one of those metaphorical deals.  You know, like Cassie isn’t literally stripped naked.  It’s her morals that have stripped naked.  That might’ve been the case, but all I know is the flick would’ve been a heck of a lot better if she shed her clothes AND her morals.

AKA:  Body Killer.