FRANCO FEBRUARY: SEX IS CRAZY (1981) **

Jess Franco’s Sex is Crazy is an almost unclassifiable film.  I guess you could call it a sex comedy, but that still wouldn’t do it justice.  It has a freewheeling, madcap, almost Monty Python style of irreverence.  (Just don’t mistake “irreverence” for “funny”.)  Scenes start out like a drama, and then the director (Franco, of course) does a second take where the actors play it like a comedy.  There are scenes of an alien gangbang where a human woman is impregnated over and over again in a matter of minutes.  This is eventually revealed to be nothing more than a live sex show.  Then, there are parts that play out like a spy movie where Lina Romay is tortured with utensils up her hoo-hah by Argentinian secret agents looking for microfilm.  She gets over that very quickly and runs off and has sex with her boyfriend while he’s driving.  There are also constant cutaways to the “producer’s girlfriend” who is only there to provide the film with gratuitous nudity.  

We also get a group marriage and a Satanic ceremony.  Oh, and it MIGHT be all a dream.  Or a movie.  Or a videotape.  And the aliens might’ve been real all along.  I don’t know.

One thing is for sure, the movie lives up to its title.  Sex is Crazy is crazy.  There’s a lot of nudity, a wild anarchic spirit, and jaw-dropping absurdity here.  That might seem like high praise, but I assure you that words like “good”, “entertaining”, and “coherent” were at no time found anywhere in this review. 

As far as Franco’s signatures go, his use of long, wandering camera pans and zooms matches the wandering, aimless plot to a tee.  His penchant for showing Romay in the nude also crops up once more.  In addition to Romay, co-stars Robert Foster and Tony Skios were also in Franco’s Night of Open Sex.    

TUBI CONTINUED… BABY OOPSIE PART 3: BURN BABY BURN (2022) **

Doll collector Sybil (Libbie Higgins) tries to make things right by stopping the demonic toy Baby Oopsie from opening the gates to “Toy Hell”.  She and her pal Ray-Ray (Justin Armistead) are too late, however, and the toys bring forth a giant clown monster from the depths of Hades.  It’s then up to Father McGavin (LeJon Woods) to perform an exorcism and send the creature back to Hell.

Part 3 is a slight improvement over Part 2, but it still falls well short of the heights of the original Baby Oopsie.  The biggest stumbling block is that Oopsie, who was a lot of fun to watch in the original, is never given a whole lot to do.  Her partners in crime, the cowboy and clown toys, are similarly wasted.  (Although the cowboy gets some good one-liners like, “Adios, motherfucker!”)  The giant toy Big Bad (who kind of reminded me of the giant Ghoulie from Ghoulies 2) is pretty cool, but he doesn’t get much screen time.  

That said, Burn Baby Burn still has its moments.  The exorcism scenes feature all the green puke you’ve come to expect from the genre, and the kill scenes are solid (if limited).  The best moments belong to Madison Pullins as the corporate toy spy, Skipper who is revealed to be a (SPOILER) living Barbie Doll.  The scene where her wiring malfunctions and she goes nuts is a lot of fun.  I can only hope she gets her own spin-off somewhere down the line.  

Like most of these Full Moon movies, Burn Baby Burn feels much longer than its scant running time implies.  In fact, it has more endings than fucking Return of the King.  However, at forty-seven minutes, you could watch this back-to-back with Part 2 (which is only fifty-five minutes long) and their combined running time would still be shorter than your average Hollywood sequel.  I’m not exactly recommending you do that, but you COULD do it if you felt so inclined.

TUBI CONTINUED… BABY OOPSIE PART 2: MURDER DOLLS (2022) **

Lonely doll collector Sybil (Libbie Higgins) is now under the spell of her Satanist priest neighbor Ray-Ray (Justin Armistead) who makes her find victims for the demonic baby doll, Baby Oopsie.  A toymaker in China wants Sybil to create a new line of Baby Oopsie toys for the worldwide market and gives her designs to make two new dolls, a cowboy and a clown.  Eventually, Sybil breaks the spell, comes to her senses, and tries to stop the killer dolls.  She turns to a priest (LeJon Woods) for help, and when he turns her down, she sets out to face the dolls down alone.     

The opening in which Higgins and Armistead dress up in S & M gear and lure unsuspecting swingers to their demise is great.  It’s almost like Eating Raoul by way of Chucky.  Sadly, this sequence is just kind of a one-off.  It’s similar to the sort of completely unrelated opening pre-title sequences you’d see in a James Bond film.  The problem is it outshines everything that follows.

It’s a shame that the rest of the film falls into the typical cookie-cutter killer doll formula Full Moon is known for.  As someone who thought the first film was a lot of fun, I was a little dismayed to see this one going back to the overdrawn well.  It doesn’t help that the two new dolls are forgettable and feel more like something out of a Puppet Master sequel than the Demonic Toys series.

Higgins gives yet another fun performance, which helps somewhat, but there isn’t a whole lot of killer doll carnage this time out, and the kills we do get are kind of odd.  (Death by Crisco?)  The biggest problem is that there is no real climax as the movie is essentially a table-setter for the third part of the trilogy.  Even if it had a strong finish, it would’ve still paled in comparison next to the fun and entertaining first film.  

TUBI CONTINUED… BABY OOPSIE (2021) ***

Sybil (Libbie Higgins) is a sad, lonely loser who lives with her overbearing stepmother (Lynne Acton McPherson).  Her only comfort comes from making YouTube videos where she shows off her massive doll collection.  When one of her fans sends her the remains of the Demonic Toy, Baby Oopsie in the mail, she painstakingly restores it to its former glory.  Naturally, Baby Oopsie comes back to life and goes after everyone who’s wronged Sybil.  

I was not a fan of the Demonic Toys movies, but this spin-off really worked for me.  The secret to the film’s success is the deft way writer/director William (The Resonator) Butler grafted the loser’s revenge narrative to the typical killer doll shenanigans.  (Think Carrie Meets Child’s Play.)  By making you sympathize, like, and even root for Sybil (which is a testament to Higgins’ excellent performance), it takes some of the heavy lifting off of Oopsie.  That way, the doll is less the centerpiece slasher of the film and more a foulmouthed instrument of revenge.  (Also, with the doll not being front and center so much, it doesn’t wear out its welcome, which tends to happen in these sorts of things.)

That little twist on the usual formula made all the difference.  Instead of going after stupid stoners or horny teenagers, Oopsie’s targets are bullies, bitchy bosses, and wicked stepmothers.  It’s just more fun that way.  (To me, at least.  Your mileage may vary.)  After sitting through so many bad killer doll flicks from Full Moon, this felt like a breath of fresh air.  

Sure, the finale is a bit rushed, and the last twist feels kind of forced.  However, it’s really not such a dealbreaker when the rest of the movie is so much fun.  Naturally, Oopsie gets the best line of the film when she sizes up a doll that looks like Annabelle and says, “Conjure THIS!”

TUBI CONTINUED… IT KNOWS YOU’RE ALONE (2021) ** ½

While walking on the beach, Natalie (Brandy Dawley) finds an old nautical phone from a derelict ship awash on the shoreline.  She brings it back to her house, polishes it up, and puts it on display in her home.  Pretty soon, the phone begins ringing, and when Natalie answers, the phone is abuzz with ominous, indecipherable gibberish.  Before long, Natalie begins having nightmares about a faceless specter stalking and seducing her.  Things become complicated when her ex-girlfriend Sasha (Ali Chappell) shows up.

It Knows You’re Alone contains scenes of beautiful women walking around aimlessly, colorful psychedelic sequences, random solarized shots, and a cast of TWO.  That can mean only one thing:  It’s a Chris Alexander movie.

Fortunately, it’s a huge improvement over the last Alexander flick I watched, Space Vampire.  This time out, he imbues the film with a surprising amount of atmosphere and even a touch of dread.  While it’s far from perfect, he does a better job here capturing the surreal feeling of a waking nightmare than he did in his previous attempts.  There are even moments here where I would be so bold as to say they felt like something out of a no-budget Jean Rollin movie.  The sequence where Natalie pursues the faceless specter through the woods is particularly well executed.  

I'm not saying It Knows You’re Alone is great or anything.  There are stretches that feel padded out (even though the film is only forty-six minutes), and the identity of the ghost is a foregone conclusion.  However, I like the fact that Alexander keeps essentially remaking the same movie again and again.  He’s got a passion for dreamlike scenes of hot babes wandering around in a trance, and by God, he’s gonna keep making pictures that reflect that obsession.  I admire that.  I guess if he keeps making them, I’ll keep watching them.  

THE 16TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS

Well, folks.  It’s Valentine’s Day.  And what better way to celebrate our love of the movies than to announce the nominees for The 16th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  It was a pretty wild year at the movies, filled with many highs and several lows.  Who will take home the gold this year?  Let’s take a look at the nominees…

BEST MOVIE

The Banshees of Inisherin

Crimes of the Future

Elvis

Pearl

Top Gun:  Maverick

WORST MOVIE

Amityville Karen

Call Me Emanuelle

Femalien:  Starlight Saga

Hellraiser

We’re All Going to the World’s Fair

BEST DIRECTOR

David Cronenberg for Crimes of the Future

Joseph Kosinski for Top Gun:  Maverick

Baz Luhrmann for Elvis

Martin McDonagh for The Banshees of Insherin

Ti West for Pearl and X

BEST ACTOR

Austin Butler in Elvis

Tom Cruise in Top Gun:  Maverick

Colin Farrell in The Banshees of Inisherin

Brendan Gleeson in The Banshees of Inisherin

Viggo Mortensen in Crimes of the Future

BEST ACTRESS

Kerry Condon in The Banshees of Inisherin

Mia Goth in Pearl

Kristen Stewart in Crimes of the Future

Anya Taylor-Joy in The Menu

Naomi Watts in Goodnight Mommy

BEST ACTION MOVIE

The Batman

Bullet Train

The Northman

Thor:  Love and Thunder 

Top Gun:  Maverick

BEST COMEDY

Attack of the 50 Foot Camgirl

Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe

Clerks 3

Day Shift

Giantess Battle Attack!

BEST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe

Dark Glasses

Dashcam

Day Shift

Piranha Women

WORST DIRECT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

Amityville Karen

Call Me Emanuelle

Femalien:  Starlight Saga

Hellraiser

We’re All Going to the World’s Fair

BEST HORROR MOVIE

Crimes of the Future

The Menu

Pearl

Smile

X

WORST HORROR MOVIE

Amityville Karen

Hellraiser

Puppet Master:  Doktor Death

Terror Train 2

We’re All Going to the World’s Fair

BEST HORROR SEQUEL

Halloween Ends

Jurassic World:  Dominion 

Orphan:  First Kill

Scream

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

BEST HORROR LEGACY SEQUEL

Halloween Ends

Jurassic World:  Dominion

Scream

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama 2

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

BEST SEQUEL

Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe

Clerks 3

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

Thor:  Love and Thunder 

Top Gun:  Maverick

WORST SEQUEL

Call Me Emanuelle

Femalien:  Starlight Saga

Giantess Attack vs. Mecha-Fembot

Puppet Master:  Doktor Death

Terror Train 2

BEST SEQUEL SUBTITLE

Do the Universe

First Kill

In the Multiverse of Madness

Plantasm

Vs. Mecha-Fembot 

BEST DIALOGUE 

Crimes of the Future for “I found her attractive… in a bureaucratic kind of way.”

Crimes of the Future for “I’m sorry.  I’m not very good at the old sex.”

Crimes of the Future for “Surgery is the new sex!”

Crimes of the Future for “There’s no crime like the present!”

Crimes of the Future for “Watching you filled me with the desire to cut my face open.”

I hope to reveal the winners on or around March 1st.  Remember, it’s not all about winning.  For many, it’s a thrill to be nominated.  But, yeah, it’s kind of all about winning.  Check back soon for the results!

TUBI CONTINUED… SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA 2 (2022) ** ½

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is one of my favorite cult classics of the ‘80s.  There have been rumors of a sequel for years (Sorority Babes in the Dance-A-Thon of Death was more of a rip-off than a true sequel), but after more than a third of a century, it’s finally here.  (Behind the scenes problems ranging from everything from COVID to original director David DeCoteau quitting pushed the release date back even further.)  Was it worth the wait?  Yes and no.  

A new crop of sorority girls are being initiated on pledge night.  Their task is to steal the same bowling trophy from the same bowling alley that the sorority babes tried to steal thirty years ago.  It doesn’t take long for history to repeat itself as the sisters (along with some nerdy boys who’ve tagged along) accidentally break the trophy and unleash an evil Imp (along with two sorority girl ghosts who’ve been trapped in there for three decades).  The mischievous menace promises to grant them all wishes that predictably backfire with deadly results.  

Let’s start with the unfortunate news first.  (I hesitate to say, “bad news” because the movie itself isn’t “bad”, it merely fails to live up to the lofty heights of the original.)  DeCoteau’s absence behind the camera is felt as the film lacks the loosey-goosey charm and anything-goes vibe of the first film.  Original starlet, Brinke Stevens is at the helm this time, and while I’m glad she is getting an opportunity to direct, she doesn’t quite have the same magic DeCoteau had.  

Speaking of Stevens, it’s fun to see her and Michelle Bauer returning from the original as sort of badly green-screened Jedi Force Ghosts who hang around the bowling alley and make snide commentary on the action.  I wish they were utilized a bit more, but I loved having another opportunity to see them in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama again, however briefly.  Unfortunately, the presence of original star, Linnea Quigley is sorely missed.  Stevens, Bauer, and Quigley are the ultimate triumvirate of 80’s Scream Queens, and to break up the trio is kind of a bummer.  While I enjoyed seeing Kelli (Night of the Comet) Maroney showing up as Quigley’s sister, it’s obvious the role was written with Quigley in mind.  

Another debit (which isn’t Stevens’ fault) is that the version I saw on Tubi had most of the nudity obscured or cropped out.  I hate it when Full Moon does this.  While it kind of recreates the experience of watching edited-for-television B movies on USA’s Up All Night or Commander USA’s Groovie Movies, it’s still kind of a bummer.  Honestly, there’s no reason to show edited movies on a streaming service.  

Okay, now I got all that off my chest, Sorority Babes 2 is still kinda fun.  It’s about 50% remake and 50% sequel, which is more of an observation than a criticism.  I mean, if you already did it perfectly the first time, there’s no reason to fuck with the formula.  

Like most of the recent crop of Full Moon movies, it’s only an hour long.  The best thing I can say about Brinke’s direction is that she paced this sucker like lightning.  She wastes no time getting the Sorority Babes to the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama and once they arrive there, the shit hits the proverbial fan soon after.  The scenes where the sorority babes’ wishes backfire are hit-and-miss, but when they do hit, the results, while predictable, are still very funny.  (Like when the one guy wishes for a “shit ton of money”.)  

As far as thirty-four-years later legacy sequels to ‘80s cable staples go, I’m sure you could do a lot worse than Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama 2.  While it may not live up to the original, it’s pleasantly diverting enough.  I just hope they don’t wait another thirty-four years to make the next one.