MILLIGAN MARCH: LEGACY OF BLOOD (1978) * ½

You know, I thought I had seen this one already, but as it turns out, I was thinking of the OTHER Legacy of Blood, which starred John Carradine and Faith Domergue.  I can’t really blame myself for the confusion since both films are about family members gathering in an old house for the reading of a will.  This feeling of déjà vu was only heightened once I discovered (about fifteen minutes in) that this was, in fact, writer/director Andy Milligan’s loose remake of his own movie, The Ghastly Ones.  

Three sisters receive word they must convene at their former hometown for the reading of their late father’s will.  It states they must stay at their old mansion on an isolated island with their husbands for three days before they can receive their inheritance.  The servants resent the siblings being there, and their simpleminded brother, Carl (Chris Broderick) is extremely agitated by their sudden appearance.  Eventually, the family members begin being bumped off by an unseen killer.

I’m not against Milligan remaking The Ghastly Ones, especially as it is one of the lesser films in his repertoire, and there was definitely room for improvement.  However, he does a big disservice to the audience by taking an inordinate amount of time to get the ball rolling.  Say what you will about The Ghastly Ones, but at least it came right out of the gate with a gore scene.  This one makes you wait until the last ten minutes of the movie to make with the guts and gore (not counting the mauling of the poor bunny rabbit).  Til then, you’ve got to sit through a lot of painfully dull dialogue scenes filled with amateurish acting.  

To be fair, it is a slight improvement on the original (although that wasn’t exactly hard to do).  Once people start dropping like flies, Milligan does pepper the film with a modicum of atmosphere.  The Dutch angles and quirky lighting are moderately effective during these sequences.  The gore (when it finally happens) is pretty good too.  One guy gets his guts sawed out, there’s a decapitation, a pitchforking, a hand hacking, and (the funniest) an accidental meat cleaver to the head.  Unfortunately, it’s just a case of too little, too late for it to really come together.

Also included on the Blu-ray is the alternate TV/video cut, called Legacy of Horror.  Again, I’m not a total masochist, so I didn’t sit and watch the whole thing.  However, it did look as though it had been stripped of all the gore (the only reason for it to exist in the first place).  It also ran six minutes longer, which means there are even more dull dialogue scenes than the original cut (probably added in to fill a television time slot).  

Milligan Motifs:  This is yet another costume drama/period piece/horror movie filmed on Staten Island.  Since it is a remake of The Ghastly Ones, the idea of a family with a fractured history and the reading of a will is once again trotted out.  Also, a guy gets nailed to the wall and skewered with a pitchfork.  

Milligan Stock Players:  Other than Milligan himself, who appears in a cameo as a mailman, I didn’t spot any of his usual cast of characters.    

AKA:  Legacy of Horror.

TUBI CONTINUED… WET HEAT (2007) ***

Teen Ape (Casey Bowker) is promised a pardon if he can save “The President of Show Business” (also Bowker, who kind of looks like Obama).  It seems the Douche of Bonejack Heights (Billy Garberina) is holding the President hostage for one million pesos and is coercing him into making a movie about his exploits.  It’s then up to Teen Ape and his team of mercenaries to sneak into Bonejack Heights and rescue the President.  

Of all the Teen Ape films from writer/director Chris Seaver, this might be the best one I’ve seen.  Some of Seaver’s typical offensive humor seems to have been toned down a bit in this one.  In fact, it almost feels like he was out to make a “real” movie this time.  As a result, the jokes are funnier than your average Teen Ape flick, although your mileage may vary, of course.  (Who knows?  For some viewers this might be their least favorite since it is one of Seaver’s least gratuitous outings.)  If anything, it’s proof that he is capable of making a good (well, “good” may be a little bit of a stretch… “entertaining” is more accurate) film when he’s firing on all cylinders.  Seaver also does a surprisingly good job on all the action sequences, given the obvious budgetary restrictions.  His staging of the various shootouts and fight scenes put many homegrown shot-on-video productions to shame.  

No matter what you might think of Seaver’s brand of juvenile humor, you’ve got to admire any movie that can rip-off To Catch a Predator and Escape from New York all before the opening credits.  There are also references of everything from Meatballs 4 to Ski School (which I coincidentally just reviewed) to Total Recall to Terminator 3 to The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  Sure, it has trouble sustaining its comic momentum in a consistent manner throughout the entire running time, but when Wet Heat hits the sweet spot between exploitation parody and trashy shot-on-video fun, it’s a damned good time.

TUBI CONTINUED… TEENAPE GOES TO CAMP (2007) **

Camp counselor Heather (Meredith Host) calls in a favor and asks Teen Ape (Casey Bowker) to work at a summer camp.  Naturally, he refuses, until she tells him there’s going to be a lot of “barely legal trim” there.  He soon learns that he’s been lured to the camp under false pretenses and that Heather and all the other camp counselors are actually big game hunters who want to hunt Teen Ape Most Dangerous Game-style.  It’s then up to Teen Ape to stay alive and turn the tables on his pursuers.  

Writer/director Chris Seaver takes his intermittently amusing creation, Teen Ape and plugs him into not one, but two dependable cliched scenarios, with predictable, and occasionally funny results.  Since things turn on a dime halfway through, it’s almost like you’re getting two Teen Ape movies for the price of one.  (Some would say that’s still too high a price to pay.)  I will say I kind of wished he made an entire movie about one plot or the other.  Splitting the difference kind of makes the whole thing feel rushed, and you get the feeling that Seaver kind of missed the opportunity to milk both plots for all they’re worth (especially the Most Dangerous Game scenes).

Like most of Seaver’s films, all this is little more than an excuse for sexist jokes, grossout humor, and shot on video shenanigans.  If you can wade through some of the cringeworthy jokes, amateurish performances (although Host is really good as the redhaired villainess), and random pop culture references (everything from Total Recall to Werewolf… uh… the Joe Estevez one), there are a couple of good lines sprinkled about here and there, which helps to make for a mostly bearable experience.  My favorite moment was when the movie star of the group got cast in a buddy comedy set during the Holocaust called Dude Where’s Mein Kampf?    

TUBI CONTINUED… FILTHY MCNASTIER (2002) **

Lori (Brie Jones) is a flat-chested girl who is jealous that all her friends have big boobs.  She turns to her goth Satanist neighbor for help, and he performs a black magic ritual to make her stacked.  The ritual is a success and Lori intends to show off her new rack at an upcoming house party.  Her dreams are shattered when the evil demon Phil (Tim Ekkebus) and his vampire pal Razor (Jesse Green) crash the party looking to score with oblivious babes.  

Writer/director Chris (Mulva:  Zombie Ass Kicker) Seaver’s sequel to Filthy McNasty is about on par with the original.  It’s more of a loose remake/retread of the first one, but that probably won’t matter to anyone who willingly watches it.  The good news is that the forty-seven-minute running time whizzes right on by, and there are a handful of jokes that are laugh out loud funny.  I think my favorite bit was when Razor lamented that Steve Perry got kicked out of Journey.  

However, for every joke that lands, there’s about five or six that are groan-inducing or just plain offensive.  If you’ve seen a Seaver joint before, you probably already know what to expect.  As far as his filmography goes, I’d say this is about middle of the road.  If you’re a newbie to the Seaver fold, Filthy McNastier won’t convert you, that’s for damned sure, but it’s far from his most contemptable cinematic offering.  

It also helps that the film is anchored by a likeable performance by Jones as the gal who desperately wants a big rack.  She’s funny and charming, even when she’s forced to say some of Seaver’s outlandish dialogue.  According to IMDb, this is her one and only film role, which is a shame.  If she can survive a Chris Seaver movie with her dignity intact, she could do just about anything as far as I’m concerned.  

AKA:  Filthy McNastier:  Maximum Dousche.  

TUBI CONTINUED… SKI SCHOOL (1991) ** ½

Once again, I had the pleasure of being a guest on Matt Poirier’s Direct to Video Connoisseur Podcast.  On this episode, we discussed the 1991 skiing comedy, Ski School.  Since the film was available on Tubi, I decided to do sort of a cross-promotion and make it a part of my regular Tubi Continued… column.  You can listen to our in-depth discussion here:  DTVC Podcast 121, "Ski School" by DTVC Podcast (spotify.com)

The “plot” is about the rivalry between the rich preppies and the drunken slobs who compete on the slopes at a posh ski resort.  The preps resent the party animals and try to get them kicked off the mountain.  Predictably, it all comes to a head during the big skiing competition where the losing team must leave the resort for good.  

Ski School is reminder of the time when Police Academy’s popularity was on the decline.  It seemed like there were a lot of imitators with the words “Academy” (Vice Academy, Mortuary Academy) or “School” (Bikini Traffic School, Stewardess School) in the title.  However, the title is misleading because it really isn’t a “school” (although the characters refer to it as such a handful of times) as no one gives or receives skiing lessons at any point during the movie.  (I think the only reason “School” is in the title is to remind that stars Dean Cameron and Patrick Labyorteaux were also in Summer School.) 

Actually, the film is closer to the tone and feel of something like Animal House or Caddyshack as it uses the same Slobs vs. Snobs formula.  (There’s even an indoor snowball fight reminiscent of the food fight scene in Animal House.)  In fact, the whole premise was done a lot better a few years earlier in Hot Dog… The Movie.  

It's also a sports movie, rife with all the sports movie cliches you’ve come to expect from an early ‘90s comedy.  This is the least interesting aspect of the film.  Not only is it predictable, but there are only so many shots of skiers flying through the air and flipping around in slow motion you can take before you start to mentally tap out.  

The better part of the movie is all the stuff with the slobs playing pranks on the snobs and the occasional T & A.  (Darlene Vogel, Charlie Spradling, and Ava Fabian provide the eye candy.)  Even these scenes aren’t particularly great or anything (there’s a potentially funny scene about the lambada that goes nowhere), but they get the job done if you’re an undemanding fan of the genre.  I think director Damien Lee was more comfortable helming action flicks like Abraxus, Guardian of the Universe, Moving Target, and When the Bullet Hits the Bone than he was with a comedy like this, which may be the reason some of the jokes fall flat.

I’m a big fan of Cameron.  He gave one of my all-time favorite performances in Summer School as “Chainsaw” and is criminally underrated for his work in Men at Work.  He kind of underplays his party animal character a bit (I think he probably didn’t want to get typecast as Chainsaw, so he went the other way with it), but is still funny, even if his best joke was stolen from Groucho Marx.  (Cameron later appeared in a classic episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia where he essentially played the same character in a virtual remake/sequel to this film.)

In a way, Ski School is kind of review proof.  If you caught this at 11:45 in the ‘90s as a teen back when it was in constant rotation on cable just to see a few boobs and have a few dumb laughs, it will more than certainly fit the bill as this was the exact sort of stuff that made having cable worthwhile back in the day.  If you didn’t watch cable in that era at that time slot, then you probably aren’t the intended audience for something like this.  

TUBI CONTINUED… CARNAGE FOR THE DESTROYER (2005) *

A group of obnoxious friends gather together to set up their annual haunted house attraction.  While showing off his knowledge of Greek history, an idiot metalhead recites an incantation and accidentally awakens “Apollyon” the Destroyer.  The gruesome Greek god then proceeds to chase the friends around an abandoned bowling alley where he makes mincemeat out of them with his trusty sledgehammer.  

All that sounds well and good until you realize this is a Chris Seaver movie.  If this material was played with a straight face (or even with a little tongue in cheek humor), it might’ve worked.  However, there’s only so much of Seaver’s offensive humor, racist jokes, and annoying characters you can take before it all spins off the rails.  The amateurish performances coupled with the foulmouthed humor is particularly hard to take in the early going.  

Luckily, things improve slightly once the hulking “Destroyer” shows up and starts offing the characters one by one.  The gore is OK too as there are plenty of ripped out guts, severed heads, and ripped out guts being used to sever heads to go around.  Despite the gore in the last reel, I was a little surprised by Seaver’s restraint in the finale.  I mean, the characters are stuck in a bowling alley.  There are a couple of severed heads lying around.  Are you telling me that the Destroyer couldn’t have at least bowled one of the heads down a lane and scored a strike?  Talk about missed opportunities.  

Some of Seaver’s cinematic offerings are fun.  I probably enjoy Terror at Blood Fart Lake and Moist Fury more than most sane people.  This is definitely one of his weakest outings, which pains me to say because the Destroyer character is ripe with possibilities.  Maybe one day he can remake it, cut back on some of the offensive humor, and up the gore, and Seaver will have himself a real gem on his hands.

TUBI CONTINUED… HEAD CHEERLEADER DEAD CHEERLEADER (2000) ** ½

The night before the big high school football game, a cheerleader’s head is found on the football field hanging from the uprights.  The killer then begins making threatening phone calls to the head cheerleader, Heather (Tasha Biering), who as a precaution stays home under lock and key.  Meanwhile, the murderer goes around hacking up more cheerleaders with his trusty axe.  

Head Cheerleader Dead Cheerleader begins with an angry phone message from an outraged parent who thinks the movie will give cheerleading a bad name.  I believe this might be a cinema first.  I don’t think the caller was really justified (it’s a Troma level horror movie), but it’s a fun way to kick things off.  

As with most Troma wannabes, a lot of the humor is kind of lame, and many of the characters are annoying (the pair of drunk caretakers are particularly obnoxious).  Even though the film clocks in at a relatively scant seventy-eight minutes, writer/director Jeff Miller allows things to drag at several junctures.  Heather receives one too many surprise visits from obvious red herrings during the second act that cause the pacing to stall.  The movie also features what has to be the longest Talking Killer scene in history.  

Still, even with those quibbles, Head Cheerleader Dead Cheerleader is kinda fun.  Scream was an obvious influence here as there are many scenes where our Final Girl gets threatening phone calls, and characters make a lot of pop culture references.  (In one of the film’s best scenes, a trio of hotties play a game of “Strip Trivia”.)  The gore is good too.  The highlight comes when Debbie Rochon gets her boob hacked off by an axe.  I kind of wish she was in it more, but it’s hard to complain when she is given a death scene of this caliber.  

In short, Head Cheerleader Dead Cheerleader may not be great, but it has enough rah-rah to make it mostly enjoyable.