A movie nerd (the always annoying Shawn C. Phillips) sits down and watches “Terror Telly”, where a horror host plays a flick called” Bungling Burglars”. In it, two thieves break into a spooky warehouse. While trying to steal an antique watch, they accidentally resurrect two Frankenstein creatures. Then, there’s a preview for next week’s movie, “I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly”, which is pretty self-explanatory.
It took a while, but I finally found it. I think I can safely say Amityville Frankenstein is the worst movie that has the word “Amityville” in the title. That’s a bold statement I know but coming from someone who’s seen over fifty fake Amityville movies in his time, I think I can judge it accordingly.
Folks, no movie has contained less movie than this movie.
Amityville Frankenstein is heavily padded with the wraparound scenes with Phillips, long opening and closing credits sequences (both for the movie and for the horror host program), irritating stretches of the horror movie host rambling on, exorbitantly long scenes of people walking up stairs and/or stumbling in the dark, seemingly unending establishing shots (sometimes of locations that have already been firmly established), and annoyingly long shots of someone getting electrocuted.
The scenes of Phillips mugging for the camera and shoving food in his mouth are rather insufferable. The stuff with the horror host isn’t nearly as bad, but it’s still pretty useless. And the less said about “I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly”, the better.
It’s only sixty-two minutes long, but it feels about three times that length. If I had to guess, I’d say there’s only about four minutes of actual “plot” in the entire running time, and that is being generous. As someone who thinks fake Amityville movies are a guilty pleasure, Amityville Frankenstein gives the genre a bad name, and boy is that saying something.
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