TUBI CONTINUED… WITCHOUSE: BLOOD COVEN (2000) *

J.R. Bookwalter took the directorial reigns from David DeCoteau for this limp sequel to producer Charles Band’s Witchouse.  

Unmarked graves are uncovered in the backyard of an abandoned mansion.  Since the place is the future site of the new mega-mall, that means the owners want the grounds investigated, pronto.  While examining a skull, the lead investigator accidentally cuts her finger and gets some bone dust in her wound.  Soon, she becomes a raging bitch to the members of her team, but they later discover she isn’t a bitch, but a witch.  Or at least she’s been possessed by one.  The same witch, in fact, that was killed in the mansion centuries ago.  She then sets out to turn the rest of her team into witches and plots her revenge.  

It's been a while since I saw the first Witchouse, so I’m a little fuzzy how all this connects back to the original.

The opening scene has a lot of Found Footage/Blair Witch-style hokum, but it’s not too bad.  From there, the film goes back and forth between the documentary crew filming interviews about the mansion and “real” scenes of them investigating the corpses.  Honestly, Bookwalter should’ve stuck to one format or the other.  The Found Footage stuff (while far from the worst I’ve seen) ultimately feels like padding and the interview sequences could’ve been snipped away without anyone missing them.  These scenes bloat the running time to ninety-eight minutes, which is about twenty minutes longer than it really needed to be.  

I did like the scene where the camera battery dies near the end, which forces Bookwalter to finish it like a “real” movie.  The make-up on the witches is kind of cool too.  (I dug their glowing eyes.)  However, these fleeting moments come a day late and a dollar short.  Of the cast, only Andrew Prine is memorable, playing a dual role.    

The climax is weak too, and the movie suffers from a weird look.  Many of the “real” scenes are slightly blurry and/or feel like the actors are speaking and moving at a slower rate than they should be.  It’s almost like you’re watching it at .75x speed.  Even if you watched it at twice that rate, it wouldn’t have ended fast enough for me.    

AKA:  Witchouse 2.  AKA:  Witchouse 2:  Blood Coven.

TUBI CONTINUED… INVASION OF THE EMPIRE OF THE APES (2021) *

Invasion of the Empire of the Apes begins shortly before Revolt of the Empire of the Apes concluded.  Our heroes flee Earth before it blows up in their rocket ship and blasts off into a black hole.  What’s weird is that the scenes from Revolt have been supplemented with redone special effects.  These new effects aren’t exactly “special”, but they are certainly better than what we got last time around.  Still, it’s kind of jarring to see, especially if you watched the films back-to-back like I did.  The mask for the villain is pretty good too (although I suspect all they did was turn one of the ape’s masks inside out), and there’s even a little T & A this time around.  That said, a slightly more polished turd is still a turd.  

The last of the ape men is beamed aboard a terraforming ship fifteen years after the events of Part 2.  The captain of the spacecraft asks him about his past, and he says, “I wish not to speak of it.”  INSTEAD, we get a ten-minute recap of the first two movies, much of which is shown in irritating Blurry-Vision.  A cult that worships apes as gods soon turn up to liberate him from the ship.  There’s also a mega-conglomerate that wants to exploit him.  Oh, and some aliens want to eat him.

Even with all that going on, Invasion of the Empire of the Apes still manages to be deadly dull.  

Without all the footage from the other movies, this probably would’ve clocked in at forty-five minutes or so.  At that length, it might’ve been somewhat bearable.  Whether you’ve already seen the recycled footage or not, either way you slice it, it’s a tough sit from start to finish.  The fun of the first flick was seeing Planet of the Apes being redone on a microbudget.  Unfortunately, this one strays so far from the original concept that the fun has essentially evaporated from the series.  

TUBI CONTINUED… REVOLT OF THE EMPIRE OF THE APES (2017) *

Revolt of the Empire of the Apes picks up where Empire of the Apes left off.  (And a little before.)  The apes have taken over Earth and made humans their slaves.  The last remaining faction of human freedom fighters gather for one final push to reclaim their planet.  Meanwhile, the evil ape emperor tries to reconnect with his half-human, half-ape, green-skinned son.  

The effects and make-up are slightly better than what we saw in Empire of the Apes, but that’s about the only improvement.  The editing is particularly whiplash-inducing.  There’s one scene where the apes are indoors talking to humans who are clearly outdoors, and the editing (unconvincingly) tries to convince us they are all in the same vicinity.  Dialogue scenes that should be comprised of simple two-shots of two actors in the same frame are instead assembled by the camera filming close-ups of each actor from an odd angle and then sloppily edited together.  This makes me think that none of the actors were ever present in the same place at the same time.  I’ve heard of making a movie piecemeal, but this is the pits.  

Revolt of the Empire of the Apes is a little over an hour long, but it feels much longer.  To make matters worse, the film is heavily made up of recycled footage from the first flick.  Also, much of the so-called revolution is just a bunch of scenes of people standing around in the woods and arguing with one another.  Meanwhile, the apes hang around their headquarters and bark orders at each other.  The subplot with the half-human, half-ape has a really weird payoff too.  

Empire of the Apes was cheap, sure.  At least it had spirit and offered a modicum of fun.  This one is just an incomprehensible bore.  To add insult to injury, the great Scream Queen Tina Krause is wasted in a nothing role.  

Revolting is right. 

TUBI CONTINUED… EMPIRE OF THE APES (2013) ** ½

I have to hand it to writer/director Mark Polonia.  He wanted to make a crossbreed of a futuristic Women in Prison flick and a Planet of the Apes rip-off and he went out and did it.  He didn’t care that he only had $20 in his pocket.  He went out and did it.  He didn’t care that the ape masks were so cheap that they made the troll masks in Troll 2 look like products of the Rick Baker Make-Up Academy.  He went out and did it.  He didn’t care that the special effects looked like something a kid could’ve made with Mario Paint.  He went out and did it.  He didn’t care that the sound was so bad that you couldn’t hear what the actors in the ape masks were saying.  He went out and did it.  He didn’t care that the sets looked like something out of a second graders’ school play.  He went out and did it.  He didn’t care that the spaceship props looked suspiciously like the space gun props that were simply repainted and repurposed.  He went out and did it.  He didn’t care that the production design of this film made the production design of his Amityville in Space look like Star Wars in comparison.  He went out and did it.  He didn’t care that the only good line of dialogue was when the leader of the apes targeted the human heroines for “an aggressive reproduction campaign”.  He went out and did it.  

I think the biggest takeaway from Empire of the Apes is that if Polonia can go out and do it, maybe you can too.  

So, we got * for technical filmmaking craft.  **** for sheer chutzpah for making a movie this ambitious with no technical filmmaking craft.  That comes in at about a ** ½ average.  Now, part of me wants to give it a lower rating because it’s all REALLY uneven, but I can’t completely dismiss any movie that ends with a woman giving birth to a half-human, half-ape potential savior of mankind, so there’s that. 

TUBI CONTINUED… HONEYMOON HORROR (2008) ** ½

Nick (Andy McGuinness) is horny, and his girlfriend Amy (Julia M. Morizawa) is frigid, which is a bad combination if you ask me.  Desperate to get her to lighten up in the bedroom, Nick books a vacation getaway to a sex resort.  However, every time tries to put the moves on her, Amy has disturbing visions and freaks out on him, which seriously kills the mood.  While they are working on their sexual incompatibilities, a crazed killer cavorts around the camp’s bungalows offing swingers and sex maniacs left and right.  Could it be the creepy caretaker who’s always hanging around and hoping for a threesome?  Or is there something even more sinister lurking in the woods?

The stuff with McGuinness and Morizawa working on their relationship is kind of a snooze.  Early on, there’s a scene where they are trying to have a serious conversation and I just couldn’t concentrate on what they were saying because they were playing an awesome spook show trailer compilation in the background, and I was more concerned what was going on with that than I was with their relationship drama.  I understand not everyone will have the same reaction I did, but this scene definitely made me want to pull out my old Monsters Crash the Pajama Party DVD. 

Fortunately, things perk up once the action switches to the swingers’ resort.  There’s a great scene where the killer cuts a dom’s dick off and shoves it down his bound submissive’s mouth.  I also enjoyed the odd sequence that plays like an S & M sitcom (complete with laugh track).  It was also good seeing W.A.V.E. starlet Tina Krause popping up late in the game as a horny camper who picks up McGuinness.  The movie kind of goes off the rails at the end with the reveal of the killer, but the short running time (fifty-five minutes) and bountiful T & A ultimately make it semi-recommended.  

Oh, and the original title was Blood and Sex Nightmare, which makes a lot more sense, seeing how the couple isn’t married and aren’t on their honeymoon.

AKA:  Blood and Sex Nightmare.

TUBI CONTINUED… BLOOD COVE 2: RETURN OF THE SKULL (2020) ** ½

After the massacre that occurred in the haunted house attraction, Blood Cove, a detective orders the place burned to the ground with the serial killer, The Skull still inside.  Somehow, he escapes and begins offing the townsfolk one by one.  The cops eventually catch up with him and toss him in jail, but it doesn’t take long for The Skull to break out and kill more people.

As he showed with the original, writer/director James Ian Mair once again proves he is more than adept at delivering suspense.  He gives us a couple of fine stalking scenes where The Skull subtly lurks in the background for a while before choosing his spot to pounce on his prey.  While the majority of the kill scenes are often rushed or weak (as is the case with the climax), the pitchforking/head stomping scene is pretty great.  Mair also pulls off some rather atmospheric shots, which is admirable considering the time and budget he was probably working with.  The opening sequence also pays homage to Halloween 4 (which is a nice touch) and the subplot about The Skull in jail reminded me a bit of Halloween 5.  

At the heart of the film though is a sweet teenage lesbian love story.  This stuff works because it seems like it is coming from a genuine place and the fact that there is a lot of chemistry between the performers, Autumn Reed and Erinn Swaby.  Because of that, Blood Cove 2:  Return of the Skull is a shade or two better than the original.  

Troma president Lloyd Kaufman is the only “name” star this time around.  He plays the comic relief mayor who is worried the murders will ruin his re-election chances.  While his inclusion kind of goes against the grain of the sweet love story plotline, he is pretty funny, nevertheless.  He also gets the best line when he says, “This is like something out of a Troma movie!”

TUBI CONTINUED… BLOOD COVE (2019) **

Joanie (Katie Harbridge) is a reporter with mental health issues who decides to get away from it all and goes on a vacation in a small town in the middle of nowhere.  Along the way, she stops to take pictures at a rundown haunted house attraction called “Blood Cove” where she is kidnapped by a killer in a skull mask known only as “The Skull”.  Her father (Deron Morgan) wants to know what’s being done about her disappearance, and together with a doubtful detective (Jeff Angel), they investigate the seemingly deserted attraction.  

Blood Cove may be a low budget horror flick, but it’s rather competent in most respects.  The characters have a little more personality than usual, and some of the suspense scenes are handled assuredly enough.  Things kick off with a decent opening sequence where The Skull torments a tied-up hostage, and the scene where the killer stalks Harbridge through the titular establishment works reasonably well.  The Skull himself cuts a memorable figure as his bony visage makes for an intimidating silver screen slasher.

Sadly, the pacing starts to drag once Harbridge disappears from the narrative.  The long scenes of Morgan wandering aimlessly around the swamp and yelling, “Joanie!” don’t help either, as they quickly become tiresome.  Although it sort of finds its footing once again late in the game, it’s pretty much undone by the weak kills and some fake looking effects.  (Like the pole through the head gag.)

Harbridge makes for a likeable heroine, and it’s a shame she’s kept off screen for so much of the second half.  George Stover is the only “name” star as the town crazy who knows there’s a killer lurking in the haunted house, but of course (say it with me) no one believes him.  It’s Tara Bixler though who steals the movie as the horny cop who makes it a priority to bang all the new police recruits.