TUBI CONTINUED… “2” – I, A WOMAN PART 2 (1969) ***

Siv (Gio Petre) is a lonely housewife married to an eccentric antiques dealer named Hans (Lars Lunoe), who is mired in debt and is perpetually hounded by creditors.  That still doesn’t stop him from showering her with jewelry and taking nude pics of her.  One night, he makes her wear a fancy dress and invites a friend over for dinner and pimps her out to him.  More degradation follows until Siv finally learns his shocking secret. 

While I acknowledge I haven’t seen the first one (when has that ever stopped me from watching something with “Part 2” in the title?), I assume it features more of the same. Director Mac Ahlberg does a fine job with all the sex and nude scenes.  They are all tastefully done, and are, dare I say, even a bit artistic.  Then again, Ahlberg’s a cinematographer by trade (who went on to work for everyone from Stuart Gordon to Sean S. Cunningham to John Landis), so it’s no wonder the sex scenes look first rate, even if they aren’t exactly out and out steamy. 

The plot stuff is mostly your standard melodrama sort of thing.  The big difference is the unusually complex relationship our heroine has with her mother in-law, which is something you don’t normally see in this something like this.  If I’m being honest, “2” – I, a Woman Part 2 is kinda hit-and-miss for the first seventy-five minutes but stay with it.  If you do, you’ll be treated to a totally bonkers twist ending, which helps bump this one into the win column.  Like, I knew the husband was gonna be nuts, but I didn’t think he was gonna be THAT nuts.  It makes for the perfect capper on what otherwise would have been a fine, if forgettable sex flick and makes it something of a minor classic. 

Man, I might have to track down Part 1 (and 3!) now.

AKA:  I, a Woman Part 2.

TUBI CONTINUED… TAKING TIGER MOUNTAIN REVISITED (2019) * ½

In the dystopian future, a group of radical feminist scientists treat young Billy Hampton (Bill Paxton) like a human guinea pig, swapping his genders and sexual preferences on a whim using a mixture of surgery, shock treatment, and hypnosis.  They then use their devious techniques to brainwash him into becoming a killer and send him off to Wales to assassinate one of their political opponents.

Co-written by none other than William S. Burroughs, Taking Tiger Mountain was originally released in 1983.  It has since been cleaned up and re-edited, with new scenes added and/or old scenes modified.  The results were re-released shortly after Paxton’s death in 2019.  Shot in black and white, it drags like a son of a bitch, and often feels like an overlong, needlessly pretentious student film.  Despite a fine performance from Paxton, it’s basically a slog from the word go. 

The filmmakers gamely try to create a post-nuke world on a shoestring budget.  However, the surveillance camera footage sequences and the constant droning from radio broadcasts detailing the fallout of World War III are more monotonous than anything.  Even though it’s little more than an hour long, it feels much longer due to the fractured narrative.  This is one of those movies that were so dull that it took me several days to get through.  I’m sure there are folks that have climbed actual mountains in shorter time.

 

If you’re a fan of Paxton and want to see him early on in his career, you might want to give it a shot.  (Or, if you just want to see his dick, as it makes several appearances.)  Even as a curiosity piece, it’s still dreadfully unsatisfying.  Honestly, if I ever a hankering to see a youthful Paxton doing something weird and arty, I’ll just watch the Barnes and Barnes “Fish Heads” music video (which he directed).

TUBI CONTINUED… SEX AND THE LONELY WOMAN PART II (1971) **

Gregg (Sergio Regules, who was also in the first movie, but playing a different character) is a struggling television writer who picks up a sexy stranded motorist named Carolyn (Barbara Mills) on the highway and brings her back to her swinging Palm Springs mansion.  She tells him all about how her studio honcho hubby is in the closet and denies her much-needed sexual affection.  Gregg and Carolyn hit it off and soon become lovers.  Their bliss is short lived when she is raped and kidnapped by a gang of thugs. 

As with Sex and the Lonely Woman, this was directed by Ted Leversuch.  It was actually made BEFORE the first one (as The Perfect Arrangement) and was just retitled here in America.  They’re totally unrelated, other than the fact that they’re both about Regules banging unhappily married women.  The first one was sort of a variation on an Armando Bo movie.  This one feels like a low budget version of a Joe Sarno flick.  You know, the whole “Sexual Misadventures of Well-to-Do Housewife Stuck in a Loveless Marriage and Imprisoned in Her Boring Domestic Life” bit.

 

Mills is very good at playing the lonely longing wife and is quite sexy.  Sadly, Regules is kind of a dullard this time out.  To make matters worse, he doesn’t have a whole lot of chemistry with Mills, which causes the sex scenes to be more fizzle than sizzle.  The good news is there are a lot of them in the second act, including a bathtub scene, a slow motion underwater skinny-dipping sequence, and even a From Here to Eternity-inspired sex scene on the beach. 

The big problem is that the third act is needlessly convoluted and downright mean-spirited.  In fact, it seems more like a knee-jerk moralistic punishment from the screenwriters for the heroine’s free love lifestyle than a realistic extension of the story.  It’s especially weird that even though he’s top billed, Regulas virtually disappears from the narrative after the second act.  Oh, and if you thought the ending of the “first” one went on forever, wait till you see Part II’s longwinded (and dull) finale.

AKA:  The Perfect Arrangement.

TUBI CONTINUED… SEX AND THE LONELY WOMAN (1972) ** ½

Marta (Susana Groisman) is an unhappily married woman stuck with an uncaring husband Ricardo (Freddie Deacon).  Her world is turned upside down when an unconscious escaped convict named Paul (Sergio Regules) washes up on the shore of her beachfront home.  She secretly nurses him back to health in the basement and the two eventually fall in love.  Complicating matters is the fact that her husband is also the warden of the prison where Paul has escaped.  Things go from bad to worse when Ricardo’s sleazeball friend (Romolo Bondi) finds out about the lovebirds and blackmails Marta.

Groisman is quite beautiful and has a sort of budget version Isabel Sarli type quality to her.  Voluptuous and sultry, she is quite fetching even while playing such a sad sack character.  Likewise, Ted Leversuch’s direction sort of feels like he was going for a watered-down version of an Armando Bo melodrama.  It’s all sort of hit-and-miss, but fortunately there’s just enough drama to keep you invested in the characters and just enough nudity to placate the exploitation crowd. 

The nude scenes are all tastefully done and give the audience an equal measure of tease (there are lots of side boob shots in the early going) and please (Groisman’s bathtub scene is a real eye-opener).  They also occur with enough frequency to keep you from losing interest whenever the pacing slows.  It’s a shame that the final chase/escape scene goes on forever.  It’s almost as if Leversuch thought he was making a “real” movie for a minute.  Had he cut the finale in half, Sex and the Lonely Woman might’ve skated by with a *** rating.  His sporadic artsy-fartsy touches aren’t really all that successful either (like the yellow-tinted love scene).  Actually, the scratched-up, jumpy print gives it a fun Grindhouse quality, and makes it feel a little more down-and-dirty than it probably is.  Because of that, it works better as a straight-up skin flick than a softcore drama with stylistic aspirations.

TUBI CONTINUED… BLOOD CAR (2007) ** ½

In the future, gas is so expensive that nobody can afford to drive cars anymore.  Archie (Mike Brune) is a teacher who tries in vain to create a new vegan engine.  When he accidentally cuts himself, blood gets into the motor, and it starts right up.  Naturally, having the only car in town has its advantages.  Namely, the hot babe Denise (Katie Rowlett) who works at the local meat stand now wants to fuck him every night… but ONLY if he can keep the car on the road.  The problem is, for the car to run, the blood in the tank needs to be human.  So, Archie does what any horny dude would:  Go around feeding people to his car in order to get some. 

Blood Car is basically a car version of Little Shop of Horrors.  In fact, it probably could’ve been titled Little Body Shop of Horrors.  Overall, it’s pretty amusing, even if it isn’t exactly laugh out loud funny.  Still, I appreciated the weird vibe that’s more quirky than silly.  Another bonus is the lean running time of seventy-five minutes, which is about as long as the thin premise could’ve probably handled.  Even then, there are some stretches where the film threatens to… uh… run out of gas.  While there are a few bumps in the road, it remains mildly entertaining and is just clever and odd enough to be memorable. 

Brune isn’t too bad in the lead.  He seems a little too passive at times, but he makes for an OK dorky hero. Rowlett is a lot of fun though as the sexy meat-slinging siren who’s hot to trot as long as he keeps it on the road.  The only real “star” is My Girl’s Anna Chlumsky as the cute nerd who runs the wheatgrass stand.  She’s pretty entertaining, even if the movie never fully puts her in the driver’s seat.  (Okay, that’s enough car puns for one day.)

TUBI CONTINUED… WEREWOLF BITCHES FROM OUTER SPACE (2017) NO STARS

You know, just the other day I was wondering whatever happened to Janeane Garafalo.  Turns out, she’s been busy “starring” in this no-budget horror comedy.  You know you’re in trouble when she’s the only name in the cast.  That is, unless you count Lloyd Kaufman and… uh… The Toxic Avenger. 

Feminist werewolf women from the planet Uranus are sent by their alien leader (a chihuahua) to Earth.  Any time they encounter chauvinist men, annoying women, or just assholes in general, they spin around real fast, turn into werewolves (or wear Halloween werewolf masks that were probably purchased at Kmart for cheap on November 1st), and kill them.  There’s a lot of other stuff that happens (like an idiot cop who has a puppet for a partner), but it’s just way too mind-numbingly stupid to go into right now.  I may, however, discuss the rest of the movie with my therapist on my next visit.

I don’t know how the hell they roped Garafalo into this.  She’s the “star” but is only in it for like a minute as a pretentious art gallery owner who is killed by the extraterrestrial lycanthrope ladies.  Kaufman’s role is limited to a badly greenscreened cameo.  Don’t let his participation fool you into thinking this is going to be a bad sub-Troma wannabe flick.  It’s actually a godawful sub-Troma wannabe flick. The cringy humor is well below the low standards of your average Troma movie.  So is the painfully amateurish acting.  

The werewolf attack scenes are repetitive too.  These scenes might’ve been worthwhile if there was some gore or if there was any nudity in general.  Unfortunately, it’s heavily padded with weird asides (like a filmstrip on chiggers) and impromptu dance numbers that add nothing to the proceedings.  No less than three directors (including Nick Zedd) are credited to this fucking mess.  At least we do get a happy ending when the feminist werewolf women go back to Uranus, which is where the movie belongs.

TUBI CONTINUED… NOAH’S SHARK (2021) * ½

Did you know that the Devil, who first took the form of a snake to trick Eve in the garden of Eden, also transformed into a shark and deceived Noah’s son into sneaking him aboard the Ark?  Now, in the present day, a disgraced priest and a documentary filmmaker are on a quest to find the remains of the Ark.  They quickly run afoul of a crimson-cloaked cult that are determined to stop them from finding the Ark at any cost.

Noah’s Shark is much like your typical Mark Polonia movie, except with a lot more Jesus talk.  Although the scenes of the CGI shark are far from the worst I’ve seen in his films, they do lack the chintzy charm you’d expect from Polonia.  On the bright side, the premise is about as ridiculous as you could hope for, and there are a couple of genuine snickers to be had. 

That said, there is an overall sense of déjà vu that hangs over the picture.  The scene where the priest performs an exorcism on a piece of wood from the Ark is awfully similar to Polonia’s Amityville Exorcism, which was also about a haunted piece of lumber.  In fact, it’s the same priest character from that movie, which makes this a semi-sequel.  I think.  Or maybe it’s the beginning of the PCU.  (Polonia Cinematic Universe.)  I don’t know.

Strangely enough, the shark somehow gets lost in the shuffle in all this (Polonia keeps showing the same nightmare/flashback to remind you of the movie’s title), which is a little disappointing.  There’s also a subplot about a sexy redhead witch that’s a lot more interesting than the plot at hand.  Another subplot (about the first expedition to find the Ark) just feels like padding, as does the Found Footage camcorder POV scenes, not to mention the repeated footage of shit we already saw. 

Despite the great title, Noah’s Shark ultimately leaves viewers at sea.  I wanted to enjoy it, but it was ultimately a slog from the word go.  It took me four days to watch it all.  It might take viewers with a lesser tolerance for Mark Polonia movies forty days and forty nights.