Did you know that the Devil, who first took the form of a snake to trick Eve in the garden of Eden, also transformed into a shark and deceived Noah’s son into sneaking him aboard the Ark? Now, in the present day, a disgraced priest and a documentary filmmaker are on a quest to find the remains of the Ark. They quickly run afoul of a crimson-cloaked cult that are determined to stop them from finding the Ark at any cost.
Noah’s Shark is much like your typical Mark Polonia movie, except with a lot more Jesus talk. Although the scenes of the CGI shark are far from the worst I’ve seen in his films, they do lack the chintzy charm you’d expect from Polonia. On the bright side, the premise is about as ridiculous as you could hope for, and there are a couple of genuine snickers to be had.
That said, there is an overall sense of déjà vu that hangs over the picture. The scene where the priest performs an exorcism on a piece of wood from the Ark is awfully similar to Polonia’s Amityville Exorcism, which was also about a haunted piece of lumber. In fact, it’s the same priest character from that movie, which makes this a semi-sequel. I think. Or maybe it’s the beginning of the PCU. (Polonia Cinematic Universe.) I don’t know.
Strangely enough, the shark somehow gets lost in the shuffle in all this (Polonia keeps showing the same nightmare/flashback to remind you of the movie’s title), which is a little disappointing. There’s also a subplot about a sexy redhead witch that’s a lot more interesting than the plot at hand. Another subplot (about the first expedition to find the Ark) just feels like padding, as does the Found Footage camcorder POV scenes, not to mention the repeated footage of shit we already saw.
Despite the great title, Noah’s Shark ultimately leaves viewers at sea. I wanted to enjoy it, but it was ultimately a slog from the word go. It took me four days to watch it all. It might take viewers with a lesser tolerance for Mark Polonia movies forty days and forty nights.
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