THE ARRIVAL (1980) ****

The Arrival (which should not be confused with the Charlie Sheen flick from 1996) is a fascinating jaw-dropping slice of WTF filmmaking.  It was produced by The Unarius Academy of Science, a quasi-cult who believe in astrological UFO transcendental reincarnation New Agey gobbledygook.  I think the film’s purpose wasn’t necessarily to bring new followers to the fold, but to spell out their beliefs and let the audience decide for themselves.

It is my belief that they are batshit insane.  However, they sure know how to make a masterpiece of head-scratching cinema.  This might be the best cult movie that was actually made by a cult of all time.

A caveman named Zan (Dan Smith) sees a UFO land.  He wanders curiously towards it when he is shot in the back of the head with a beam of light which speeds up his evolution so that he can converse with the aliens who wear bad bald caps.  They tell him he used to be a spaceship captain in a previous life who fought a star battle against literal stars.  When given the choice of peace and totally annihilating his enemy, he chose to blow their planet to smithereens.  But afterwards, he felt kinda bad about the whole thing.  And because of that, he’s carried that guilt with him all through his past lives.  Maybe it’s time for Zan to accept the extraterrestrials as his personal Lord and savior.

This movie is fucking nuts, and I mean that in the best way possible.  I’m not exactly sure if the Unarius Academy’s religion is being adequately displayed or if the director just saw 2001, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and Star Wars and put them all in a blender.  Being a film financed by a cult, you’d think the effects would be bad, but they’re actually kinda great.  It’s an odd mix of rotoscoping and computer animation.  The interior of the spaceship looks like the Death Star was given a Studio 54 makeover, and the effects are reminiscent of a Roger Corman version of Tron.  And by that, I mean the Battle Beyond the Stars Corman who actually spent money on the effects and not the penny-pinching Corman of every other movie he made.  It looks so good that you’re kind of in awe of how they actually achieved some of the effects.  Even when they are kind of cheesy (one spaceship looks like a giant razor), there’s an odd, dare I say beauty about them.  The starfield effects are wondrous as well as they look like a cross between the starfield from 2001 and the backdrop an elementary school would use on picture day.

The angel Uriel (played by Ruth E. Norman, co-founder of Unarius) is also a sight to behold.  Imagine if Glenda the Good Witch and Queen Carlotta from Desperate Living had a baby.  A very old baby.

I’m not much of a religious man, but if the Heaven that Unarius promises us is half as cool as advertised in this picture, I might have to join up.  Or at least join their mailing list.  Folks, if you think you’ve seen it all, trust me, you haven’t.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: TOMIE: UNLIMITED (2011) ****

Tomie:  Unlimited is the ninth and so far, final installment of the series.  It kicks off with a great death scene that plays like a Lucio Fulci directed version of The Omen.  From that moment, I knew I had a winner on my hands.

Photography student Tsukiko (Moe Arai) has her world shattered when her sister Tomie (Miu Nakamura) dies in a horrible accident.  One year later, Tomie miraculously shows up at her family’s door alive and well, much to their relief.  However, she’s not quite the same.  For one, she’s now a total brat and acts bitchy as hell.  Her folks go along with it though, mostly because they’re just happy she’s back.  Soon, Tomie begins manipulating her parents and lashing out at her sister, the only one who seems to question her mysterious return.

Let’s just say that from there, Tomie:  Unlimited takes some dizzying and exhilarating turns.  You never know where this crazy ass movie is going next.  It starts out kinda like a remake of Deathdream, except with a Japanese schoolgirl instead of an American soldier.  This portion of the film is a hard-hitting family horror flick that shows how grief, regret, and loss can turn a family against each other.  There are positively brutal scenes like Tomie goading her father into beating her sister with electrical wire that will have you squirming in your seat.  

From there, the movie spirals into a half-dozen different directions, filled with numerous crazy scenes and memorable imagery (like the scene involving someone’s lunch) at nearly every turn.  There’s one scene that plays out like Basket Case Meets The Manster.  By the time Tomie:  Unlimited started riffing on Mystics in Bali, I knew it was a certified classic.  Leave it to gonzo auteur Noboru (Robogeisha) Iguchi to breathe some life into the franchise.  

As I’ve stated before, I’m not really a fan of J-Horror, but this has got to be one of the best I’ve ever seen.  Although I’ve only seen three of the other Tomie movies, I think I can honestly say this has got to be the best.  It’s definitely one of the best Part 9’s in cinema history. 

AKA:  Zombie Girl.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: TOMIE: REVENGE (2005) **

A young doctor hits a naked woman with her car on a mountain road.  She has no memory or credentials or identity, so the good doctor oversees her care at the mental hospital where she works.  The patient reminds another doctor of his missing daughter, and he soon wants to adopt her.  Just before she can be released, a deranged hiker comes down from the mountain, kidnaps her, and brings her back to an abandoned mansion where the sexy succubus-like Tomie lives.

Although Tomie:  Revenge starts off with a promising opening, things quickly go downhill from there.  The hospital setting is novel, and the relationship that forms between the doctor and her patient is kind of sweet, but the horror elements are much too weak to make it work.  Not only that, but it takes an inordinate amount of time to get going.  We do get a decent gut eating scene, although it takes forever to get to it.

Tomie herself is kept offscreen for most of the film, which is a shame because without a Big Bad to drive the story, the flick sorts of falls apart.  I know the filmmakers were trying to suggest that the patient could be Tomie (or at the very least, a Tomie clone), but they dance around the idea too much instead of doing very much of anything with the concept.  The overacting by the two cops who are working on Tomie-related incidents is a bit much too.  Another big stumbling block is the Found Footage segment that occurs halfway through.  It’s rather annoying and only seems like it was tossed in there to cater to the Blair Witch crowd. 

Overall, Tomie:  Revenge is a real letdown.  It’s especially disappointing considering it was directed by Ataru Oikawa, who also made the solid and effective Tomie:  Beginning.  He must’ve run out of places to take the franchise because this was his last time in the director’s chair for the series.

SAW X (2023) **

Saw X takes place in between first and second movies with the still very much alive Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) heading down to Mexico to see a doctor promising a miracle cure for his terminal brain cancer.  Turns out, she’s a snake oil salesman, so Jigsaw’s gotta get jiggy with it.  And by “get jiggy with it”, I mean “he’s got to put everyone from the clinic into his patented do-or-die traps, which put them at risk of life and limb while he presides over the festivities and passes moral judgment over them”.

Let’s get the positives out of the way first.  This is one of the rare Saw flicks that’s told in a linear fashion from point A to point B.  There’s no flashbacks or shoehorning shit in there, so it feels like a “real” sequel instead of a collection of deleted scenes and outtakes compiled together to make a movie.  The gore is solid too.  There’s a grisly self-brain surgery scene (that echoes the similar scene in Part 3), a gnarly severed head gag, and a funny moment where characters need to use a rope and there isn’t one handy so they... Well… I don’t want to spoil the best part of the film, so let’s say they choose to make a gutsy decision.

That’s about it though.  Although it’s far from the worst Saw movie (it’s pretty middle of the road in every regard) it’s by far the longest at two hours!  Seriously, did the world need a two-hour Saw movie?  I mean, it was directed by Kevin Greutert, the guy who edits most of these films.  You’d think he’d have the sense to cut it down a bit.  There’s a lot of yapping in between the set pieces, and even then, the traps wear out their welcome before long. 

Speaking of the traps, some are weak, and others tend to go too far.  I mean, if you ever wanted to see a little kid waterboarded with gallons of blood, here’s your chance.  What’s worse is the bait-and-switch that happens to the Saw X poster boy.  (Spoilers Ahead.)  You know, the guy with the tubes attached to his eyes?  Well, it’s kind of a crowd-pleasing moment when his eyes get Shop-Vac'ed out of his skull.  But then… it’s revealed that… SPOILER… it was all a daydream in Jigsaw’s head.  Lame.

Sadly, the scariest thing about the whole deal is Shawnee Smith’s hair!  Why wait all this time to bring her back and then have her look a damned sight?  If I was Jigsaw, I’d put her stylist in one of those traps.

1. Saw

2. Spiral:  From the Book of Saw

3. Saw 3

4. Saw 2

5. Saw X

6. Saw 6

7. Saw 5

8. Saw 3D

9. Jigsaw

10. Saw 4

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: TOMIE: BEGINNING (2005) ***

Tomie (Rio Matsumoto) is the new girl at school.  She is almost instantly resented by her female classmates due to her promiscuous ways and they proceed to bully her.  Before long, Tomie casts a supernatural hold over the entire class and soon has them under her thumb.  One of her classmates, Reiko (Asami Imajuku) befriends and even defends Tomie but she soon learns her new friend isn’t quite human.

I never saw the original Tomie.  This one is the fifth in the series, and if you couldn’t tell by the title, it’s an origin story.  That’s about as good of a place to start, I guess. 

Although I am not exactly a fan of “J-Horror”, I have to admit, Tomie:  Beginning had a few gnarly scenes.  One squirmy moment finds Tomie feeding her bullies cockroaches and maggots.  There’s also a memorable ear hacking, and the accompanying geyser of blood is so extreme that it would look right at home in a samurai movie.  And that’s not even mentioning all the heart ripping and eviscerations. 

I liked the way director Ataru Oikawa (who also directed the original) slowly doled out the supernatural elements.  Some of these freaky moments work.  (Like the ear that becomes a crab, in a scene reminiscent of The Thing.)  Some of it doesn’t.  (What is the deal with Japanese horror movies and hair?  Hair isn’t scary in any language.)  Still, I was surprised how effective the majority of the shocks were.

Since I’m not familiar with the original, I can’t exactly say if this one lines up with the first one or how it stacks up to the sequels.  All I can say is that as its own self-contained horror flick, it works.  The plotline doesn’t follow a typical horror trajectory, and because of that, there are a few surprises in store.  (Then again, maybe not for someone who’s more familiar with the series).  I will say the movie zigs when you think it’s gonna zag, and really pulls out all the stops when it comes to the gruesome stuff.  

I dug it.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: MURDERCISE (2023) ***

In the ‘80s, a group of models and strippers arrives at a skid row studio to film a workout tape.  When one of the ladies is gruesomely murdered, the production decides to trudge along without her.  Naturally, more victims follow, and only the fittest will survive.

Murdercise is a throwback to the ‘80s horror fitness movies like Death Spa and Killer Workout.  The beginning, in which a hot busty babe aerobicizes and then takes a shower, combines the horror and workout video genres better than Horror Movie Workout did in its entire running time.  The workout scenes themselves are a fun send-up of the old aerobicize videos and are entertainingly cheeky on their own merits.  (In more ways than one.)  When it comes to the horror side of things, the film scores high marks as well.  There’s a healthy body count, plenty of blood, and a couple of genuine surprises.  (Not to mention a good amount of T & A.)  Heck, even your funny bone will get a workout from watching this as there are plenty of hearty laughs to be had.

The cast is also quite strong.  Everyone seems to be channeled into the movie’s quirky wavelength and are totally onboard for whatever is thrown their way.  Kansas Bowling is great as the goodie two-shoes dancer who slowly tosses her morals aside to get a bigger part in the workout video.   The scene where she tries cocaine for the first time and goes into a coke-fueled exercise jag is pretty damned funny.  Ginger Lynn Allen (who has a topless scene) also appears as the financier of the video who has Mob ties, but it’s Jessa Flux who takes the acting honors as the bosomy Candy.  The scene where she has a meltdown when everyone refuses to look at her admittedly luscious breasts is the comedic highlight of this fun flick.  (Don’t worry, Jessa.  Trust me, I was looking.)

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: HORROR MOVIE WORKOUT (2013) ½ *

After being suckered into watching Dustin Ferguson’s clip show of Dustin Ferguson movies parading as an actual movie, I Drip Blood on Your Grave, you’d think I’d be smart enough not to fall for the same trick twice.  Well, yes and no.  Horror Movie Workout isn’t a clip show of Dustin Ferguson movies parading as a horror movie.  It’s a clip show of Dustin Ferguson movies parading as a horror movie that ALSO has behind the scenes footage, trailers, and a music video tossed in there as well.  

It’s “hosted” by frequent Ferguson starlet Jennii Caroline who shows clips and does an occasional workout routine.  It all ends with Jennii inviting a bunch of her friends over for a slumber party.  Naturally, a slasher shows up to spoil the “fun”.

Throughout the film, we see clips from Escape to Black Tree Forest, The Legacy of Boggy Creek, 7 Down, Silly Scaries 2, and even a clip from I Drip Blood on Your Grave (under the title Holy Roller).  There’s also snippets from Doll Killer and a long scene that’s purportedly from Black Tree Forest 3, but it’s obviously just a home movie of someone on vacation at an amusement park.  Oh, and there’s also behind the scenes footage too, including bloopers of the cast and crew dicking around on location during the filming of Escape to Black Tree Forest, and trailers for Die, Sister, Die and Gloved Murderess.

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, we get a long scene of people sitting around and watching a lame music video in real time.  Let me tell you:  The only thing worse than watching a lame music video is watching other people watch a lame music video.

After a lot of talk and a long series of clips, we do finally get some nominal workout scenes of Caroline stretching and leading slashers in a round of calisthenics.  These scenes were obviously inspired by Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout and could’ve been fun if done right.  The problem is there’s not nearly enough of them to really justify the title.  In fact, the only thing that gets a workout is the audience’s patience. 

It also doesn’t help that many of these clips also turned up in I Drip Blood on Your Grave.  I think a lot of my restlessness was due to my overfamiliarity with many of these clips.  Your mileage may vary.  

Even with that caveat, Horror Movie Workout is a tough sit.  It’s only 45 minutes, but you’ll wish it was shorter.  One of the clips features a scene where the characters watch a clock on the wall.  You’ll be doing the same thing by the time it’s over.  Who says life doesn’t imitate art?