THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: PLAY DEAD (2009) ** ½

It’s inevitable when I do one of these 31 Days of Horror-Ween deals that I wind up watching something that looks like a horror movie and sounds like a horror movie but turns out to be only marginally horror related.  Such is the case with Play Dead.  It’s loaded with black comedy and has a dark edge to it, but it’s not exactly a horror flick.  Then again, after the one-two punch of Grotesque and Brutal, I needed something a little more lightweight.  Okay, maybe “lightweight” isn’t the right word here.  “Gory” was probably the word I was looking for.

An old man perpetually lets a poor young cobbler borrow money.  When he’s unable to pay his debts off in a timely manner, the old man takes it upon himself to make time with the cobbler’s wife as collateral.  In order to duck her obligations, she pretends to be dead.  At the funeral, the old timer takes the grieving husband out for some sake and suggests leaving two of his buddies behind to watch over her “corpse”.  That’s when their necrophiliac tendencies start to come out.  Naturally, she’s forced to play dead in order to keep up the charade.

The set-up is ripe with possibilities, but the filmmakers kind of go overboard with the comedy at some junctures.  I guess that makes sense, since some of the subject matter is so cringey.  I mean it’s basically a bedroom farce with some (presumed) necrophilia.  The two chuckleheads that molest what they think is a corpse are played much too broadly to get any real laughs though, and the Zatoichi impersonator is kind of an odd third act addition to the mix.  

Then again, I’m not sure there was a sure-fire way to play any of this.  If they went the horror route, it might’ve been too bleak and/or depressing.  If they went any further with the comedy, it would’ve just been… weird.  

The good news is after everything is conveniently wrapped up, the husband and wife get back together and have a lengthy, steamy, and erotic love scene.  It’s a nice reward for the audience for sitting through so much sketchy/questionable canoodling early on in the picture.  It’s just a shame that it took so long for Play Dead to come to life.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BRUTAL (2018) ***

A serial killer is running around Japan kidnapping, torturing, and dismembering his victims.  Meanwhile, a female serial killer is busy picking up men and ruthlessly mutilating them in their bathing suit areas.  When the pair eventually meet, will it be love at first sight or a match made in Hell?

Brutal tries a little too hard to be shocking, and because of that, it sometimes fumbles.  The death scenes are appropriately over the top, but the Grindhouse aesthetic of the scratchy, jumpy print lessens the overall impact as it keeps calling attention to itself and reminding the audience that it’s only a movie.  Interestingly enough, it’s the quieter moments that are more effective and unsettling.  The scenes of the killer mopping up, disposing of the victims’ leftovers, and his unorthodox bathing habits are even more disturbing than the murders themselves.  I also liked the scenes of him hanging out and talking to the remains of his victims.

The sequences that follow the female serial killer’s day-to-day routine work a little better, mostly because it’s not so in-your-face.  The highlight is the long scene where she picks up a potential victim and realizes she might be in love with him, which complicates matters.  The third act is probably the best as the two killers’ date quickly escalates into a bloody battle of the sexes, before culminating in one of the grossest love scenes in the history of the silver screen.  (Another gnarly moment occurs when the killer jams a knife into the sole of his victim’s foot.)  

If the rest of the film had this same kind of vibe, it might’ve been a classic.  As it is, Brutal is uneven, but fitfully effective.  Although it takes a little while to find its footing, when it works, it works.  I’m just certain it would’ve played so much better without the distracting, scratchy, faux-Grindhouse print.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: GROTESQUE: UNRATED VERSION (2010) ****

It might seem kind of weird, but Grotesque:  Unrated Version is the actual onscreen title.  Normally, whenever a movie gets an unrated version, that ballyhoo is usually reserved for the DVD cover.  I liked that about this flick because it lets you know up front what you’re getting yourself into.  The squeamish need not apply for this one.  No one could accuse Grotesque:  Unrated Version of holding back or being watered down as this is one of the most balls-out horror shows I’ve seen in some time.  (In some countries it was known as Martyrs 2, which kind of makes sense once you see it.)

A couple on their first date are knocked unconscious, kidnapped, and taken to a dungeon where they are tortured face to face by a pie-eating weirdo.  To prove he’s not such a bad guy, their captor gives them a chance to survive.  If the couple can “excite” him with their suffering, he will (maybe) let them go.

Grotesque:  Unrated Version is a Japanese horror flick set in the American torture porn mode.  It has the same kind of dingy, washed-out cinematography and scummy looking sets that hallmarked the genre during the ‘00s.  What makes it different is the highly charged sexual nature of the kidnapping.  I mean, some folks go all the way on the first date, but nothing like these two.  There’s one scene in particular where the bodily fluids start flying that even impressed this jaded horror hound.

Then the REALLY gruesome stuff happens.  And “by gruesome stuff”, I mean the sicko brings out his Makita chainsaw (he holds the logo up to the camera for so long that I’m sure the Makita company paid for the product placement) and starts turning fingers into homemade DIY jewelry.  And that’s not even getting into the EXTREMELY gruesome stuff that happens.  I can’t quite bring myself to tell you what goes down when the couple gets out of line.  Let’s just say that when the scene occurs, you might want to nip out for a bit. 

Then… things go from EXTREMELY gruesome to NAUSEATINGLY gruesome. 

Knowing that this was also sold as a Martyrs sequel might give you an idea what to expect.  It also has a little bit of the same DNA as The Human Centipede too.  Your mileage may vary of course, but it definitely made me squirm in my seat.  This one's only reserved for the strongest of stomachs.  If you don’t want to see people graphically mutilated and tortured, this will not be your cup of tea.  Grotesque is grotesque as all get-out.  Gorehounds, what are you waiting for? 

AKA:  Grotesque.  AKA:  Martyrs 2.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: SICK NURSES (2007) ****

A doctor makes his living on the black market harvesting and selling organs.  When he falls out of love with his girlfriend, he kills her and harvests her organs.  That way he can live happily ever after with her sexy sister.  This, if you ask me, takes him right out of the running for the Boyfriend of the Year award.  While he’s out of the office collecting payment, his girlfriend’s spirit is wreaking havoc on the hot nurses who helped perform the operation.

Sick Nurses is a terrific Thai horror flick that has a neat gimmick.  The spirit has until the stroke of midnight to kill her victims to successfully get her revenge.  The nurses all wind up splitting up at quarter of twelve, and the ghost goes to work on the nurses at approximately the same time.  Because of that, after every death, we go back in time five minutes and follow a different nurse until they meet their demise.

It helps that the nurses are all spunky, colorful, and lively characters.  There’s always a temptation in horror movies to make the victims interchangeable and disposable.  You know, just more fodder for the body count.  This one bucks the trend and gives us lots of female characters who are fun to watch.  

The body count, it should be said, is rather hefty.  I’ll admit, some of the kill scenes are stronger than others (what’s with Asian horror movies and hair?), but there are several disturbing/disgusting/badass moments here, along with plenty of atmosphere on display, which means there’s lots of fun to be had.  The scene where a nurse hacks her own jawbone off is particularly gnarly.  

The ghost herself is pretty cool too.  Painted black, wearing a mossy-looking dress, and flashing a striking deadpan stare, she cuts a memorable image while tormenting the sleazy nurses.  It all culminates in a legitimately shocking twist ending that I can honestly say I didn’t see coming.  In short, Sick Nurses lives up to its title.  And then some.

THE NUN II (2023) *** ½

I did not have “The Nun II is the Best Conjuring Movie” on my 2023 bingo card, but here we are.  Considering the first one was forgettable, and that this sequel was directed by Michael Chaves, the man who helmed Conjuring 3 and The Curse of La Llorona, two of the worst entries in the entire Conjure-Verse, I have to say, my expectations were in the basement.  I was even prepared to write a scathing review full of clever bullshit like “The Nun II was NONE TOO good” or some crap like that.  Much to my surprise, this was a fun time at the movies.  (FULL DISCLOSURE:  Our local theater has $6 Tuesday specials, so that thrifty price point added to the overall enjoyment of the film.)

The plot:  Sexy Sister Irene (Taissa Farmiga), who battled the evil nun Valak (Bonnie Aarons) in Part 1, is called upon once again by the Church to kick the (ghost who wears a) habit.  This time, the naughty nun has possessed a gardener (Jonas Bloquet) at a Catholic boarding school and is using him as a vessel to find a sacred artifact that will make her all powerful.  Naturally, it's up to Irene to save the day.

The Nun II is quite simply a Spook-a-Blast of the highest order.  It’s a remarkably efficient scare machine that’s more of a haunted hayride than a movie as something jumps out from the shadows every five minutes or so at the audience.  I’ve got to admit… Some of this shit works.  Horror, like comedy, depends on set-ups and punchlines.  If Nun II was a comedian, it would be Henny Youngman as it gives you a constant barrage of one-liners (and by “one-liners”, I mean “jump scares”) for close to two hours.  Did I care about the characters?  No.  Did it engage me on a philosophical level?  Absolutely not.  This thing is engineered to do one thing and one thing only:  Make popcorn fly.  And, brother, it succeeds.

Right from the opening sequence, the movie kicks ass and never looks back.  Some of the best moments involve a creepy stained-glass window, a deserted newsstand, a ghostly altar boy, and a fucking rampaging man goat.  When that fucking thing scampered down the steps and gave a gaggle of Catholic school girls a run for their money, I had to admit I was having fun.  By the time the Nun got ahold of the relic and turned into the thirty-foot tall Nunzilla, I had to admit this movie fucking rocks.

I got my $6 worth and then some.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: ALTER EGO (2002) ** ½

A sleazy promoter lures a bunch of underage Japanese “idols” to an abandoned school for a photoshoot.  During the shoot, crew members catch glimpses of their evil doppelgängers strolling the hallways, and foolishly wander off to look for them.  When they eventually catch up to their deadly doubles, they meet a grisly end.

Alter Ego is short and sweet.  It’s only an hour long and it gets right to the point, which is greatly appreciated, especially when you have a plot as thin as this one.  Despite the potentially lurid subject matter of underage girls being tricked into an illicit photoshoot, it’s all kind of tame.  It’s hard to say if it would’ve made a difference had the film really went for broke though.  It doesn’t quite completely work in this form either, but it’s moderately effective for the most part.  

The concept is reasonably solid, especially for a low budget movie.  I mean, the plot is a perfect set-up for thrifty film producers.  You don’t need to spend money on a bunch of fancy effects.  (The big special effect looks like a funhouse mirror filter you could get on your iPhone.)  All you really need are extra costumes, someone to double for the actors, and some clever editing.  (The single location helps keep costs down too.)  Heck, the effects of the people being twisted into human pretzels look pretty good (even if you can spot the seams).

Once a doppelgänger infiltrates the group, the paranoia is ratcheted up a notch.  It’s here where we get a mirror scene that plays like a low-key version of the blood test sequence from The Thing.  The finale is decent as well, and the wraparound segments aren’t too intrusive to the narrative.  If you’re looking for a quick fix of J-Horror this Halloween season, you can do much worse than Alter Ego.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: HIDEKI: EVIL DEAD TRAP 2 (1992) * ½

A serial killer called “The Street Killer” is running around offing prostitutes.  Meanwhile, a reporter tries to get her homely female projectionist friend to go out with a married loser named Hideki.  Pretty soon, she starts seeing a little ghost boy in the movie theater where she works, and things soon spiral out of control from there.

It’s been a while since I saw the first Evil Dead Trap, but as far as I can tell, this has fuck-all to do with the original.  At first, it’s hard to tell where the plot is going, and that could’ve worked if we really gave a shit about the characters.  Ultimately, it winds up being a sort of twisted love triangle deal, which is way less interesting than any other direction the plot could’ve potentially taken.

I guess there was a kernel of a good idea somewhere in Hideki:  Evil Dead Trap 2.  However, wherever that kernel was, it sure as shit didn’t pop.  In fact, nothing pops in this movie as it’s pretty much one big bore from start to finish.  There is some okay gore in the finale though.  We get some gut ripping, bone breaking, and self-mutilation.  Other than that, the climax is rushed, chaotic, and frankly, unsatisfying.

I watched this almost immediately after I saw Sadako because Tubi recommended it to me.  I figured, sure why not?  Another Japanese horror sequel?  Sign me up.  Turns out, they had much more in common than I initially thought as they both revolve around aborted baby ghosts seeking revenge.  (Tubi’s algorithm is on point.)  For all of its faults, Sadako handled the idea in a thought-provoking way.  The only thought Hideki:  Evil Dead Trap 2 provoked in me was, “When the hell is this gonna be over?”  

Bottom Line:  This is one trap not worth getting yourself into.

AKA:  Evil Dead Trap 2.  AKA:  Evil Dead Trap 2:  Hideki.  AKA:  Hideki:  The Killer.