THE NUN II (2023) *** ½

I did not have “The Nun II is the Best Conjuring Movie” on my 2023 bingo card, but here we are.  Considering the first one was forgettable, and that this sequel was directed by Michael Chaves, the man who helmed Conjuring 3 and The Curse of La Llorona, two of the worst entries in the entire Conjure-Verse, I have to say, my expectations were in the basement.  I was even prepared to write a scathing review full of clever bullshit like “The Nun II was NONE TOO good” or some crap like that.  Much to my surprise, this was a fun time at the movies.  (FULL DISCLOSURE:  Our local theater has $6 Tuesday specials, so that thrifty price point added to the overall enjoyment of the film.)

The plot:  Sexy Sister Irene (Taissa Farmiga), who battled the evil nun Valak (Bonnie Aarons) in Part 1, is called upon once again by the Church to kick the (ghost who wears a) habit.  This time, the naughty nun has possessed a gardener (Jonas Bloquet) at a Catholic boarding school and is using him as a vessel to find a sacred artifact that will make her all powerful.  Naturally, it's up to Irene to save the day.

The Nun II is quite simply a Spook-a-Blast of the highest order.  It’s a remarkably efficient scare machine that’s more of a haunted hayride than a movie as something jumps out from the shadows every five minutes or so at the audience.  I’ve got to admit… Some of this shit works.  Horror, like comedy, depends on set-ups and punchlines.  If Nun II was a comedian, it would be Henny Youngman as it gives you a constant barrage of one-liners (and by “one-liners”, I mean “jump scares”) for close to two hours.  Did I care about the characters?  No.  Did it engage me on a philosophical level?  Absolutely not.  This thing is engineered to do one thing and one thing only:  Make popcorn fly.  And, brother, it succeeds.

Right from the opening sequence, the movie kicks ass and never looks back.  Some of the best moments involve a creepy stained-glass window, a deserted newsstand, a ghostly altar boy, and a fucking rampaging man goat.  When that fucking thing scampered down the steps and gave a gaggle of Catholic school girls a run for their money, I had to admit I was having fun.  By the time the Nun got ahold of the relic and turned into the thirty-foot tall Nunzilla, I had to admit this movie fucking rocks.

I got my $6 worth and then some.