TUBI CONTINUED… CHILDREN OF CAMP BLOOD (2020) **

Here’s yet another Mark Polonia-directed entry in the Camp Blood series.  (He was also responsible for Camp Blood:  First Slaughter, It Kills:  Camp Blood 7, and Ghost of Camp Blood.)  This one acts as a sequel to both Part 7 and Ghost of Camp Blood.  This is the eleventh movie in the franchise all together, and despite some wonky moments, it’s surprisingly watchable.

Children of Camp Blood is set in the Friday the 13th Part 5 mold of having a mental health clinic popping up on the old grounds of a camp where a bunch of people were killed years earlier.  A caring counselor engages with the patients in group therapy to help them get over their shared trauma.  Naturally, the killer clown is still on the loose and looking to add them to his body count. 

The novelty here is that the patients are all children of the victims of the Camp Blood killer.  While it’s not an earth-shattering development by any means, it’s kind of a neat way to connect a few of the dots and help align some of the messy continuity of the series.  Sure, Polonia still can’t resist the urge to reuse footage from the previous movies in the form of dreams and flashbacks (and a scene where the killer watches footage on his laptop?!?).  However, the flashbacks aren’t as flagrant as some of the other sequels.  In fact, this might be the best film in the series.  Or at the very least, the most competent one in the bunch. 

That said, that doesn’t exactly make Children of Camp Blood “good” or even “fun”.  It also doesn’t help that it takes a while before the killer starts doing his thing.  Or that most of the kills are just simple decapitations.  Still, Polonia keeps things moving along at an agreeable pace, and the set-up is just fresh enough to inject a little life into the long-running series. 

TUBI CONTINUED… CAMP BLOOD 8: REVELATIONS (2020) **

Before I get to my Camp Blood 8:  Revelations review, I just wanted to give a quick update on my Tubi Continued… challenge.  At the beginning of the year, I said I wanted to watch 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days.  Well, after 11 months (334 days), I have watched 323 movies, putting me 11 movies behind schedule.  I plan on making up the difference this month.  Will I be able to complete the challenge?  Follow along, dear readers…

In what purports to be the eighth entry in the Camp Blood series (it’s actually the tenth, but hey who’s counting?), a coach (Phoebe Dollar from Goth) and her all-girl volleyball team are on their way to a match when their car breaks down near Camp Blood. The killer clown this time out has a demented incestuous mother (stand-up comedian-turned porn star Sally Mullins) who goads him into killing.  The girls stupidly split up and soon become targeted by the flipped-out family. 

Written and directed by Dennis (Ouija Nazi) Devine, Camp Blood 8:  Revelations starts off with a team of bikini-clad girls playing volleyball on the beach, and let me tell you, there are certainly worse ways to kick off a movie.  It also has a great theme song (by “The Lobotomommies”) and often feels more like a real movie than a Camp Blood sequel.  Because of that, it lacks some of the down and dirty fun of the series. 

There’s more intentional humor this time around, but no real laughs to speak of.  The film also suffers from some weak elements, like the Final Girl having the ability to communicate with the ghost of a Hindu holy man (who winds up not being much help anyway).  Speaking of communicating, having the killer clown talk (a lot) doesn’t work at all.  There’s also a potentially interesting plot twist halfway through that ends up going nowhere. 

The cast is game, which makes up for some of the movie’s shortcomings.  The usually annoying Shawn C. Phillips tones his schtick down and is kind of amusing as a “survivalist” living out in the woods.  Mullins is also a hoot as she has a habit of showing off her boobs every chance she gets.  It was nice seeing Dollar in something like this, although they don’t really make the best use of her talents.  Best of all, Video Vacuum favorite Veronica Ricci pops up during the post-credits set-up for another sequel. 

GODZILLA MINUS ONE (2023) ****

Seventy years of Godzilla movies and we finally have a first for the franchise.  It’s the only entry to ever make me choke up.  I totally wasn’t expecting that. I was completely unprepared for it.  Somehow… someway... Godzilla Minus One got to me. 

It's not for a lack of trying either.  Writer/director Takashi (Returner) Yamazaki puts you through the wringer emotionally.  This is simultaneously one of the bleakest and yet hopeful movies I’ve seen in a long time.  I know you aren’t supposed to care about the characters in these things, or if you do, it’s because they are given more to do than just your average broad strokes cliches.  This is a harrowing post-war survival movie about not only what it takes to survive during a tragedy, but afterwards as well.  

Oh, and of course, Godzilla kicks lots of ass too.  I guess I should’ve mentioned that sooner.  This is one a helluva Godzilla flick.  In my opinion, it’s the best one yet.

Minus One is also refreshing because as the title suggests, it’s a prequel.  A WWII period piece starring Godzilla, is frankly a stroke of genius.  I hope we’re somehow able to get more of these in different time periods.  Can you imagine if Toho takes inspiration from Prey and makes a Wild West Godzilla flick? 

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  It’s a lot of fun seeing the G-Man doing battle against old school battleships and planes.  Hell, I actually cheered when the army brought out the rinky-dink WWII-era tanks against him.  Those fuckers didn’t stand a chance.

Godzilla has always been used as a metaphor for wartime destruction.  The ingenious thing about Minus One is that he’s also used as a stand-in for PTSD.  Whenever he rears his head, our hero Shikishima (Ryunosuke Kamiki) is reminded of the War, and not only the War, but his first encounter with Godzilla.  Not only is he shellshocked, but he’s plagued by guilt too.  You see, he had a chance to kill the monster when it was smaller, and he failed miserably.  Now, it’s huge and strutting through the city.  The characters are even a metaphor for Japan itself.  The scenes of our Shikishima and his makeshift family rebuilding after the A-Bomb attack not only show their resiliency but symbolize the country trying to bounce back after the War. 

So far, I’ve used words like “metaphors” and “symbolize” to describe the flick, but down deep it’s still a Godzilla movie.  Because it’s a prequel, it’s on a bit smaller scale.  Although we only get one scene of the G-Man rampaging through a city, it’s a damned good one, and even contains a great call forward of the iconic train scene in the original.  When the Godzilla theme kicked in for the first time, I have to tell you:  Goosebumps City:  Population:  Me. 

I also dug Godzilla’s look.  He’s sort of thicc, similar to how he’s portrayed in his Hollywood “Monarch” version, but with a distinctly traditional Godzilla maw.  The coolest aspect is how he powers up his atomic breath, as his spine plates light up and pop out as he gears up to spew.  It’s badass. 

The most novel touch is making a Godzilla movie with characters you root for and who are all three-dimensional.  Even the supporting characters have flaws and legitimate character arcs.  They should’ve been doing this years ago.  Okay, so maybe if that was true, we wouldn’t have Jet Jaguar flying around, Godzilla dancing, or Minilla blowing smoke rings, but you catch my drift.  It’s just that a Godzilla with actual stakes involved hits different.  

If you want a harrowing war movie, see Godzilla Minus One.  If you want an excellent monster masher, see Godzilla Minus One.  If you’re a Godzilla fan, this is truly something to roar about. 

AKA:  Gojira -1.0.  AKA:  G Minus One.

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: GHOST OF CAMP BLOOD (2018) * ½

Despite the fact there is a Camp Blood 8, Ghost of Camp Blood was actually released after It Kills:  Camp Blood 7.  That would make this the ninth Camp Blood movie as there are apparently two Part 3s.  The whacked-out numbering system is one of the things I find so fascinating about this series.  Okay, so it might be the ONLY thing I find fascinating about this series.

Mark Polonia is back behind the camera for this one.  It picks up right where Part 7 left off with a Friday the 13th 3D-style opening that shows the climax of the preceding film where the killer is presumably killed, but then just shuffles offscreen with apparently only minor injuries.  Then, the plot begins.  A washed-up reality show host has one last chance at a hit.  To boost ratings, he decides to make his next show about the Camp Blood killer.  A trio of amateur ghost hunters tag along to Camp Blood, hoping to become part of the crew.  Eventually, the spirit of the Camp Blood killer possesses the host, and he takes after the new recruits with a big ass machete. 

The padding is out of control this time out.  There may not be as much padding as the Dustin Ferguson directed entries, but it’s jam-packed with scenes from Part 7.  Such scenes include a montage of the psycho’s best kills and a scene where some characters sit around and talk about their favorite Camp Blood murder (which gives Polonia another opportunity to show the same footage all over again).  There are also many repeated sequences (including one of a naked woman, which admittedly is okay with me).  Also, some of the dialogue scenes seem like they’re played in .75x speed in an effort to slow the picture down to get it up to feature length.  Characters speak slower and move slower than normal during these scenes, and it gets annoying awfully fast.  The fact that there’s more T & A than usual helps somewhat. 

The scenes where the killer speaks are really goofy too.  There’s a reason why psychos remain silent in these things.  The performances are pretty weak as well.  Overall, Ghost of Camp Blood is definitely a step down from the other Polonia directed sequels in the franchise. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: IT KILLS: CAMP BLOOD 7 (2017) **

More campers get stranded in the woods and come face to face with a killer in a clown mask.  And… well… that’s about it for the plot.  No one set out to reinvent the wheel this time out, which is good news or bad news, depending on how you look at it.  On one hand, it’s a solid, yet unspectacular slasher.  On the other, you can say that about a hundred or so other movies on Tubi.

It Kills finds veteran Z-grade director Mark (Cocaine Shark) Polonia returning to the Camp Blood fold.  Sure, it’s not quite as good as his Camp Blood:  First Slaughter, but at least it feels like an actual movie, which is more than I can say for the Dustin Ferguson directed entries in the franchise.  While I can’t say it’s effective, I think it's nice that Polonia wears his influences on his sleeve so brazenly as there are many touches straight out of the Friday the 13th franchise.  One character is in a wheelchair like in Part 2, there’s a hiker who is searching the woods for a missing relative (shades of Part 4), the road flare death is a direct homage to Part 5, and the finale owes a major debt to Part 4.  The music sounds quite similar to John Carpenter’s Halloween score as well. 

The bulk of the kills this time out are rather interchangeable and unmemorable. There are lots of machetes to the stomachs and hands getting cut off in this one.  The gore is weak too.  The guts in one scene look like they could be used to create a balloon animal, which is good for an unintentional laugh.  At least the cast has a little more personality this time around, which is appreciated, especially considering the rest of the picture is by the numbers for the most part. 

AKA:  It Kills.  AKA:  Camp Blood 7:  It Kills. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: CAMP BLOOD 666 (2016) **

The first thing you notice about Camp Blood 666 is that it starts off with brand new footage.  Surprisingly enough, it’s a decent enough scene in which a Satanic cult holds a black mass to resurrect the Camp Blood killer.  Upon hearing her brother has joined the devil cult, the concerned Betsy (Shoshanna Green) heads off into the woods to find him. 

Another thing of note about 666 is that it has actual stars this time out.  And by “actual stars” I mean George Stover and Tina Krause (although unfortunately her scene was cut out of the Tubi version).  That’s certainly an upgrade from the casts of the last two entries if you ask me. 

The scenes of our heroine playing Nancy Drew and trying to find her brother aren’t exactly involving, but at least they are scenes from THIS movie and not scenes from another entry in the series.  Sure, there’s still some padding here (like the weird scene where a character watches a vintage public access kids show where a little kid gets his face painted), and there’s still plenty of overlong shots of people walking aimlessly.  Yet, despite this, Camp Blood 666 remains watchable, even if it never really comes close to being… you know… good. 

Sadly, most of the kills just involve the Camp Blood killer stabbing people in various body parts with his trusty machete.  However, we do get a scene where he cuts a guy’s foot off and shoves it down his throat.  I can’t say I’ve seen that in a movie before, so… respect. 

The acting is a bit stilted, but amusingly so.  Alyson Rodriguez Orenstein is particularly fun as a talkative goth chick.  The sound is bad in some places though, and the music drowns out the dialogue in other scenes.  While I can’t even come close to recommending this one, it feels like Citizen Kane compared to the last two entries. 

TUBI-WEEN HANGOVER: CAMP BLOOD 5 (2016) ½ *

Dustin Ferguson returns to the director’s chair for this immediate sequel.  The padding this time out includes footage from Camp Blood 4, negative vision nightmare scenes, a lengthy sequence of a character shopping for a Halloween costume, long shots of people walking, a scene where characters sit on a couch and watch scenes from the anthology horror movie Things, characters watching long shots of people walking from the anthology horror movie Things, and long scenes of people walking in flashbacks to Camp Blood 4, 

Oh, and occasionally a guy in a clown mask will kill some campers in the woods.  Eventually, the lone survivor of the massacre in Part 4 decides to get revenge. 

In part 4, the plot didn’t start till the running time was halfway over.  In this one, the plot doesn’t start till the last ten minutes.  That’s right folks, this movie has even less movie in it than the last movie.  It’s like Ferguson made an hour-long movie and decided to split it in half and pad it out with scenes from other movies in order to get two hour-long movies.  It doesn’t help that the old scenes are even more tiresome this time around or that the new footage is severely underwhelming (especially the rushed and unsatisfying climax). 

The thing is, even if Parts 4 and 5 had been edited together as one hour-long movie, it STILL would’ve sucked.  Not half-star sucked, but at least one-star sucked.  Stretching the already weak premise out over two films and packing it to the gills with filler doesn’t really help anyone.  In fact, the long gratuitous sequences of people watching Things will probably just make you wish you were watching Things than wasting your time on this mess.  I mean, Things was no prize, but it seems like Oscar-worthy shit compared to Camp Bloods 4 and 5.