LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LADY SNOWBLOOD (1974) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Quentin Tarantino ripped off this movie when he made Kill Bill Vol. 1.  Not only did he copy the vibe of the main character for O-Ren Ishii, he used the same chapter structure, stole the look of the snow-covered opening scene, and he also used the awesome theme song.  Like most films Tarantino cribs from, it got a second life on home video.  Now that more people have seen it, it’s rightfully recognized as one of the most badass lady samurai movies ever made. 

The awesome Meiko Kaji (from the Female Prisoner Scorpion movies) stars as Lady Snowblood.  Using her trick sword that doubles as an umbrella, she sets out to get revenge on the men who killed her mother.  Lone Wolf and Cub had their baby cart full of weapons.  Zatoichi had his cane sword.  Lady Snowblood has her umbrella sword.  It’s a cool way to make her enemies think she’s just a dainty gal out for a stroll before she dispatches them with authority. 

Kaji is terrific in this, especially in her quieter scenes where she just broods with vengeance.  The opening scene sets the stage nicely as Kaji uses her sword to hack off limbs and cause arterial spray to decorate walls.  In fact, all the sword fights wind up painting the room red at some point or another. 

Lady Snowblood also contains one heck of an origin story that is told in a mixture of highly stylized flashback and a series of still photographs, as well as a particularly brutal training sequence (made even more so due to the fact that it’s a little girl being trained).  The plot also wonderfully complicates her quest for revenge as she winds up becoming acquaintances with her targets’ offspring.  There’s also a great moment when she learns that one of her intended victims is already dead, which pains her to no end.  Little touches like this help to make Lady Snowblood stand head and shoulders (not to mention severed limbs) above other revenge pictures. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DEATHDREAM (1974) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 17th, 2007)

Andy (Richard Backus) is killed in Vietnam and his over-grieving mother (Lynn Carlin) “wishes” him back to life. He returns home the next day, but he’s not quite the same. He’s quiet, withdrawn and he spends a LOT of time in his rocking chair. Dad (John Marley from The Godfather) knows something’s wrong when in a fit of rage Andy strangles the family dog. He gets their family doctor (Henderson Forsythe) to do a check-up on Andy and when he discovers he has no pulse or heartbeat, Andy stabs him to death with a syringe and extracts the doctor’s blood and shoots it up. Meanwhile Andy’s sister Cathy (Anya Ormsby) tries to get Andy to go out with his estranged girlfriend (Jane Daly) and they have a double date at a drive-in. It turns out to be a date from Hell as the rapidly decomposing Andy murders his date, strangles his sister’s boyfriend with a drive-in speaker, and runs over some poor kid with his car. The tragic ending where the zombified Andy begs his mother to put him in his grave so he can finally find peace is as heartbreaking as it is creepy.

This is probably Bob (A Christmas Story) Clark’s best film ever. He drenches the film in a spooky atmosphere and knows how to creep his audience out. He brings real dimension to the scenes where Andy’s family unit disintegrates, and the final drive-in massacre is one for the books. Backus is incredibly eerie and ominous as Andy. With his cold stare, incessant rocking and hair-raising line readings, Backus delivers one of horror history’s greatest villains. But he’s really more of a victim. He never asked to come back to life and he’s only dealing with it in the only way he knows how.

Clark doesn’t overdo it with the wartime allegories, but they’re there plain as day (especially the scene where Andy shoots up the doctor’s blood), and they give Deathdream an added depth and dimension countless horror films lack. Alan Ormsby wrote the multilayered and thought-provoking screenplay and also collaborated with Clark on Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things and Deranged. He also provided the excellent make-up effects, along with a young Tom Savani.

AKA: Dead of Night. AKA: Night Walk. AKA: The Night Andy Came Home. AKA: The Veteran. AKA: Whispers. 

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Deathdream is what the kids refer to as a straight-up banger.  It fires on all cylinders and once it takes hold of you, it never lets you go.  I also love how unhinged the many supporting characters are from the talkative mailman to the stuttering line cook to the cop who won’t stop fiddling with the blinds.  Watching it now as a parent, it hits slightly different and cuts even deeper, especially the heartbreaking final scene.  In short, it’s an all-timer from top to bottom. 

4K UHD NOTES:

This was my first disc from Blue Underground, and it’s without a doubt one of the best 4k transfers I’ve seen.  The film simply looks flawless as the nighttime scenes are appropriately dark. but not too dark.  The picture is consistently sharp, and it looks brand spanking new while still preserving the ‘70s drive-in aesthetic.  For horror fans, this will be a must own. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ARMY OF DARKNESS (1993) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 30th, 2009)

Ash (Bruce Campbell) gets whisked away to medieval times where he is immediately enslaved and sentenced to die in a pit fight with some Deadites.  He easily kicks loads of ass and pretty soon everyone is calling him “The Promised One”.  In order to stop the Evil Dead from haunting the King’s castle, Ash has to go on a quest to retrieve the Necronomicon.  Whilst removing the book from its unholy cradle, Ash fucks up the magic words (“Klaatu… Barata… Cough… Cough… Cough!") and it doesn’t take long before the dreaded Deadites are trying to break down the castle walls.  Luckily, with a little 20th century know-how Ash is able to fend off the Army of Darkness and return to his own time.  (If he can ever get those words right.)

Army of Darkness is the best film in The Evil Dead trilogy.  This is not a popular opinion.  I know I am in the minority on this one, but for me this is the most balls out fun movie in the series.  Not only is it the best of the Evil Deads; it’s also one of the greatest movies ever made.  (It’s Number 4 on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films of All Time List in between Fight Club and Halloween.)  This movie rocks and it rocks HARD.  It’s ten times funnier than most comedies and features enough movie in-jokes to make your head spin.  (Everything from The Three Stooges to Jason and the Argonauts to Gulliver’s Travels to The Manster to The Day the Earth Stood Still is referenced.) 

In addition to the wide range of film references, director Sam Raimi mashes up a whole bunch of genres and hits the PUREE button.  There’s horror, sword and sorcery, comedy, and even a little romance too.  Army also features more action than you can shake a stick at.  Throughout the movie Ash battles monsters in the pit (the part where he leaps in the air and his chainsaw lands on his stump is priceless), gets attacked by miniature versions of himself, fights his evil double, gets sucked into a vortex, gets assaulted by an evil book, and goes to war against an army of skeletons.  Raimi films all of this with his usual manic energy and the results are one Hell of a breathtaking, non-stop, hilarious, good time.

Most reviews I’ve read of this film always whine that there isn’t as much blood as the previous films.  Umm… HELLO didn’t you see that great big geyser of blood when that one guy got pushed into the pit?  That scene alone featured three times the amount of blood than the first two movies combined.  This scene also gives us a pretty good severed head and a disembodied hand, so I don’t want to even hear these petty gripes about the lack of gore. 

What makes Army of Darkness standout from the other films in the series (besides the bigger budget that is) is that Ash actually has a character arc in this one.  He just isn’t being repeatedly assaulted by the undead (well he is, but still).  He goes from being a loudmouth, to being a coward, to finally, a hero.  Bruce plays all of these facets of his character extremely well; particularly in the scenes where he acts like a complete jackass to people. 

This movie also has the most quotable dialogue than any film ever conceived by the human mind.  If you don’t quote the following lines aloud in casual everyday conversations, then there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you:

“Well HELLO Mr. Fancy Pants!  I got news for you pal; you ain’t leading but two things right now, Jack and Shit.  And Jack left town!”

“All right, you primitive screwheads listen up!  You see this?  This is my BOOMSTICK!”

“Now I swear… the next one of you primates, even touches me…”

“First you wanna kill me… now you want to kiss me… BLOW!”  (This is particularly effective on first dates.)

“Yo, She-Bitch!  Let’s go!”  (Again, great to use on a first date.)

“Gimme some sugar baby!”  (Likewise, a golden statement for a first date.)

“Good… bad… I’m the guy with the gun.”  (Good for a night in Compton.)

“That’s just what we call pillow talk, baby!”  (In fact, nearly everything Ash says in this movie could be said on a first date.)

“Say hello to the 21st century!”  (Which is fitting since we’re actually in the 21st century now.) 

And of course, the immortal, “Hail to the king baby!”

You can tell that Raimi was particularly proud of his dialogue because during the closing credits, his (along with his brother Ivan) screenwriting credit appears before his directing credit.  I’d be proud of that shit too.  Raimi went on to direct the Spider-Man trilogy.  They were great and all, but none of those movies captured the sheer awesomeness of this flick.  It’s truly one of the greatest movies in the history of the human race.

Army of Darkness is Numero Uno on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films of the Year 1993.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

What else is there to say about Army of Darkness?  It’s one of the greatest movies of all time.  It’s in my personal Top 10.  This is one flick I can put on just about any time, anywhere. and immediately be sent to my Happy Place.  In a word, it’s “GROOVY!”

4K UHD NOTES:

The transfer by Scream Factory is typically excellent.  The picture is sharp and clear and even the darker scenes really feel crisp.  Sure, there’s an occasional muddy shot here and there, but this is the best I’ve seen it look and I’ve seen it easily a hundred times over the past thirty years.  Heck, even some of the wonky green screen effects look pretty damned good now.  What more can an Evil Dead fanboy hope for? 

MISS NYMPHET’S ZAP-IN (1970) *

Herschell Gordon Lewis’ Miss Nymphet’s Zap-In is basically a skin flick spoof of Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In.  Since it’s a comedy directed by a guy who is best known for being “The Godfather of Gore”, it should come as no surprise that it’s painfully unfunny.  The film is mostly comprised of bad skits that play out like filmed versions of comics you’d see in men’s magazines like Playboy.  Occasionally, our hostess Miss Nymphet (Bambi Allen, who was also in Lewis’ Linda and Abilene) will appear to tell an equally bad joke and/or whip her tits out.  

Lewis has made some bad movies in his time, and to be frank, this is among his worst.  While his best films (Blood Feast, 2000 Maniacs, and She-Devils on Wheels) have a tinge of tongue in cheek humor, he really isn’t a comedy director.  In Miss Nymphet’s Zap-In, the timing on nearly all the jokes is off, and the material itself is lousy and obvious.  Whenever there is a stray decent joke, it’s usually ruined by the wooden performers whose forte is definitely not comedy. 

Some of the characters reoccur in multiple sketches, such as a doctor, a Russian ambassador, a sexy cannibal, and so on.  They weren’t exactly hilarious the first time around and their frequent appearances wear thin after a while.  The longest segment is a spoof of old stag reel loops that goes on way past its expiration date.  Also, the interstitials of characters waltzing around in circles and periodically yelling, “ZAP!” gets irritating almost immediately. 

The nudity is plentiful though.  Women are seen topless in nearly every scene (there’s also topless go-go dancing), but even these vignettes suffer from crude staging and cheap sets.  Since none of this comes close to being arousing (or funny), I can pretty much guarantee you’ll be zapped out long before the movie is over. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (1955) ****

The ultimate teen angst movie.  As far as James Dean vehicles go, I think I may prefer East of Eden over this.  However, this is Dean at his most iconic.  Because of that, it’s required viewing.  Amazingly enough, its power hasn’t diminished in over seventy years. 

Moody Jim (Dean) moves to a new town with his emotionally aloof parents hoping to make a fresh start.  Almost immediately, he gets into knife fights and chickie runs with the rough crowd of juvenile delinquents led by Buzz (Corey Allen).  When Buzz is killed during a drag race, Jim tries to do the right thing, but his rough and tumble friends have other ideas. 

Director Nicholas Ray gives the film a larger-than-life scope, which magnifies the troubles of teenagers (who up until then were marginalized in cinema, unless you count maybe the Bowery Boys) and makes their troubles seem downright Shakespearean at times.  Dean’s arguments with his parents could’ve seemed maudlin in lesser hands, but thanks to Ray, they feel harrowing and tragic.  Also, the knife fight sequence, not to mention the overall themes of honor and responsibility would’ve looked right at home in a samurai movie.  The big chickie run scene is a real showstopper too. 

The supporting performances are also terrific.  Natalie Wood is great as the tough gal next door with a heart of gold.  Sal Mineo puts in a sad and heartbreaking turn as Jim’s pal, Plato.  Nick Adams and Dennis Hopper also make big impressions in their small amount of screen time. 

If there is a fault, it’s that the third act where Dean, Wood, and Mineo play house in an abandoned mansion isn’t quite as powerful as what came before.  It in no way diminishes the drama though.  The final scene at the Griffith Park Observatory is a real winner as well. 

Dean died shortly before the movie was released, cementing his legendary status. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: STRETCH (2014) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Patrick Wilson stars as a down and out limo driver in LA who owes a bunch of money to loan sharks.  One night, they call in his debt, and he’s forced to hustle all over town to keep his kneecaps in one piece.  When he gets the job of chauffeuring an eccentric billionaire (Chris Pine) around town for the night, he thinks it just might be the answer to his prayers.  Naturally, all he has to do is stay alive. 

We’ve seen this kind of “Day in the Life of a Loveable Loser” movie dozens of times before.  What separates Stretch from those films is that it’s done with energy, style, and a wicked sense of humor.  To make it even better, there are a handful of celebrities who show up in cameos playing grossly exaggerated versions of themselves, which give the flick its heartiest laughs.  I won’t spoil some of the bigger names.  Just know, they all came to play, and have no problem sending up their image. 

The movie really belongs to Patrick Wilson though.  He’s usually stuck playing the nice guy or the dad in most of his films, so he must’ve been relishing the opportunity to play such a foulmouthed fuck-up.  The way he delivers his deadpan narration gets some big laughs too.  Pine looks like he’s having a blast as well playing such a crazed degenerate.  Ed Helms is also amusing as the ghost of a former limo driver who haunts Wilson from the back seat.  Yeah, it’s that kind of movie, folks. 

I’m a fan of director Joe Carnahan.  While he’s generally made solid movies throughout his career. nothing has really been able to touch his debut film, Narc.  This might be the closest he’s come.  While is totally different in tone than that flick, it’s certainly a fun ride. 

KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2024) ***

Three hundred years give or take after the events of War for the Planet of the Apes, a peaceful clan of apes live in isolation and have mastered the art of using eagles to do their hunting.  When his father is killed and his mother kidnapped by a group of savage apes lead by the tyrant Proximus Caesar (Kevin Durand), the young Noa (Owen Teague) sets out to get her back.  Along the way, he crosses paths with a human named Mae (Freya Allan).  But can Noa trust her, or does she have her own agenda?

Kingdom has a nice little thematic hook.  If we view Caesar as say, George Washington, and Proximus is, uh… Donald Trump, it shows how politicians can twist history to meet their own ends, and we see how they keep the masses as ignorant as possible to help them achieve their goals.  Director Wes (the Maze Runner movies) Ball wisely resists the temptation to beat the idea over the audience’s head, but it’s there if you look hard enough. (Also, unlike Trump, Proximus’ plan involves tearing down a wall instead of putting one up.)

The early scenes work best.  Seeing Noa’s community’s daily routine is intriguing and his friendship with a knowledgeable ape named Raka (Peter Macon) is nicely developed.  It’s also refreshing that Ball doesn’t try to breathlessly throw you into one mindless action scene after the other the way some directors of major tentpole summer movies do.  In fact, it’s surprising just how quiet much of the film is, especially for the ninth part of a franchise. 

And… well… maybe it’s a little too quiet at times.  While I enjoyed the intimate scope and smallish scale of the film, I have to say I was expecting a little bit more fireworks here.  That’s a minor quibble though.  I mean they all can’t end with the Statue of Liberty in rubble or atomic bombs going off.  While it may come up short compared to the previous trilogy of Apes films, it’s a solid flick through and through, and the final scene certainly holds promise for the future.