LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TORQUE (2004) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Torque is obviously trying to cash in on the Fast and the Furious movies, but… you know… with motorcycles.  It wants the audience to know right off the bat that these bikes are much faster and furiouser than anything in a Vin Diesel movie.  Torque hilariously makes its mission statement known right in the opening scene where Martin Henderson races his crotch rocket past two drag racing muscle cars.  He goes so fast (and furious) that his bike causes a street sign to spin around Looney Tunes-style.  So fast does it spin, that it not-so subliminally causes the sign to read, “CARS SUCK”!  [Insert Crying While Laughing Emoji here]

Later, when someone quotes the Fast and the Furious by saying, “I live my life a quarter mile at a time”, another character wrinkles their forehead and quips, “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!”

I guess I was already genetically predisposed to like this movie.

There are very few traditional camera set-ups in Torque.  Everything is amped up to 11 (or maybe 12).  It’s full of wild and weird camera shots that give the admittedly silly story an almost mythical feel.  Imagine if Sergio Leone slammed a case of Monster energy drink before making a biker flick and that might give you an idea of what to expect.  Even then, that really doesn’t come close to accurately describing it. 

You could say it’s brain dead, but I disagree.  It has a brain.  Of a four-year old. Who is maniacally obsessed with motorcycles.  Who also happens to be hopped up on Mountain Dew and Coco Puffs. 

The plot, such as it is, has Martin Henderson riding back into town to make amends with his estranged girlfriend.  A bad biker has a beef with him, and he frames him for the murder of ice Cube’s brother in hopes Cube will do his dirty work for him. 

The action scenes are ludicrous, which is another way of saying I dug them.  There’s a chase through a forest that plays like a motorcycle version of the speeder bike chase in Return of the Jedi.  The motorcycle chase that takes place on top of and inside of a moving train is a doozy too.  The highlight is when two biker babes fight each other not only on speeding motorcycles, but WITH speeding motorcycles.  It’s almost enough to make the motorcycle scenes in Mission:  Impossible 2 seem quaint and restrained. 

In fact, I have to wonder if producer Neal H. Moritz (who also produced the Fast and Furious movies) saw the dailies for Torque and was like, “Shit man we gotta up our game!” as the later Fast films seemingly take inspiration from the sheer lunacy found here.  (I will say the overly CGI-ed finale is kind of lame, but it does have a funny punchline.)

Surprisingly enough, when the movie succumbs to the temptation to have an actual car chase with actual cars, it’s just as silly and includes a great bit when a Humvee does a roll midair and lands on a Porsche.  You don’t see that every day. 

The performances are kind of mellow compared to the cinematic gymnastics of director Joseph Kahn.  Only Jaime Pressly as the sexy bad biker babe China really seems to know what kind of foolishness she signed up for.  This is probably her best performance since Poison Ivy 3, and that is indeed, about the highest praise I can bestow upon an actress. 

Oh, and in the Torque universe, there’s only one beer:  Budweiser. 

According to IMDb trivia, Kahn said he set out to make “A dumb movie for smart people”.  All I can say is… Mission accomplished! 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHAFT’S BIG SCORE! (1972) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Shaft (once again played by the charismatic Richard Roundtree) gets a late-night call from a friend in need.  When Shaft arrives too late, his buddy winds up dead.  It seems he was running numbers in the neighborhood and his crooked business partner might just be the one who rubbed him out.  There’s also the matter of a missing chunk of change totaling a quarter of a million dollars, which the Mob is keen to get their hands on.  Complicating matters is the reappearance of Shaft’s shady old nemesis, Bumpy Jonas (Moses Gunn), who sticks his mitts in the action 

Shaft’s Big Score! is a decent enough Blaxploitation flick.  It just suffers from comparison to the iconic original.  Then again, maybe that’s unfair since Shaft was such a watershed moment for black cinema.  However, Shaft’s Big Score always seems like it’s in catch-up mode.  Director Gordon Parks made things look cool and effortless in the original, but here, everything seems a little too laid back for its own good. 

The action is lackluster too.  What action we do get is rather sparse and lacking the punch of the original.  (One fight also uses way too much slow motion.)  The car chase sequence in the third act is well done though, but the finale as a whole kinda drags. 

The music is a step down too.  While an OK theme song in its own right, “Blowin’ Your Mind” is nowhere near the bop the original Shaft theme was.  I guess Parks had a falling out with Isaac Hayes, which prevented him from contributing the main theme (he does have one song on the soundtrack though), but his presence is sorely missed. 

I definitely can’t fault Roundtree who is smooth and badass as only he could be.  He just doesn’t seem to drive the action the way he did in the original as there’s just too many side characters and subplots that prevent the film from really getting into gear.  I know I’ve spent a lot of time griping that it’s not as good as Shaft, but then again, few Blaxploitation flicks are.  It’s solid and moderately entertaining, but it just never really catches fire. 

ELECTRIC BLUE 17 (1984) ** ½

When I was growing up, there was nothing better than when The Playboy Channel had a free preview.  9 times out of 10, you would see an episode of Electric Blue.  While the series itself was hit and miss, the theme song was a straight-up banger that will stay in your head for decades to come.  This episode is kind of standard, despite the participation of some of the ‘80s hottest talent, but it definitely brought back some fond memories. 

Sexy student Ginger Lynn hijacks a dull Sex Ed class in the “Wraparound Segments” (** ½) which serves as the episode’s framework. 

The first segment, “Memories of Marrakech” (**) is a take-off on Casablanca.  A dude sits around moping in a club while imitating Humphrey Bogart.  Finally, the woman of his dreams (Ginger) shows up so he can ball her.  Sure, it’s not great, but if you’re gonna steal from somebody, steal from the best.  (They even do a riff on Casablanca’s famous ending.)  However, even with the presence of Ginger, it’s still not that hot.  

That’s followed by a comic “How-To Presentation” (**) which teaches you how to arouse your lover.  This scene is narrated by Ginger, but it offers no laughs and isn’t very sexy either.  Then, Candy Samples visits a “Canadian Rodeo” (****).  The presence of the luscious Candy, combined with the cheeky narration (“Her mammoth mammaries make Mount Rushmore look like a molehill!”) make this segment loads of fun. 

The next sequence (**) finds a blonde surprising her boyfriend with a little sex.  This one isn’t all that hot and suffers from a generic set-up and cheesy performances.  “The Birthday Present” (**) centers around a bored housewife who hires a professional photographer (Robert Kerman) to take nude shots of her for her husband’s birthday.  Naturally, they end up balling.  As with the previous scene, the plot isn’t much to write home about, and it winds up feeling rushed. 

“Critics Corner” (***) takes a look at a couple of Cecil Howard’s films, including Platinum Paradise and Scoundrels.  What makes this segment so fun is how seriously the critic takes his job.  Then there’s a segment set at “Lovers Lane” (** ½) where two necking couples in a convertible decide to swap partners.  (Two in the backseat and two in the front.)  Like most scenes in this episode, it feels rushed, but it’s solid nonetheless. 

Then, Candy is back at the “Rodeo” (****).  A sexy dancer does a dance with a bullwhip and there’s even a breakdancing exhibition!  If you grew up in the ‘80s like me, you’ll remember the decade was all about bullwhips and breakdancing.  Because of that, this segment is a fun trip down memory (or mammary) lane. 

“Victorian Antics” (**) is a period piece where a cultured lady seduces a hunky gardener.  Meanwhile, her meek husband gets it on with the sexy maid.  This one is very generic and cliched, but at least the production values are nice.  Then, Veronica Hart shows up at the end as “Dr. Ruth” (**) to warn about the dangers of fucking while driving.  (The couple instead pull off to the side of the road to do it.).  While it’s fun seeing Hart popping up, there’s not much to this segment.  Finally, Ginger says “Let’s Get Naked!” (** ½) and invites the whole class to ball.  While this segment isn’t exactly hot, it’s silly and mostly fun, which pretty much describes Electric Blue 17 as a whole.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHAFT (1971) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

“Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks?  SHAFT!”  Damn right!  Shaft was the first breakthrough Blaxploitation movie of the ‘70s and it’s still as badass as ever.  Richard Roundtree is simply awesome as the tough talking, hard hitting private eye John Shaft who gets hired by a gangster named Bumpy Jonas (Moses Gunn) to find his kidnapped daughter.  While Gordon Parks’ direction in the opening scenes and during the climax is tip top, he unfortunately lets the pacing drag during the film’s saggy middle section.  But Roundtree carries the film with his intense magnetism and makes for a great ‘70s action hero.  He definitely is “one bad mother”.  Isaac Hayes’ outstanding Oscar winning score is one of the greatest in movie history.  The movie was a big hit and gave way to many imitators, and opened the door for more Blaxploitation action flicks. Roundtree returned for two sequels, a TV show and a 2000 remake which starred Samuel L. Jackson.

THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 1 (2024) **

You know, for a movie called “The Strangers”, it seems awfully familiar. 

Directed by the great Renny (Cliffhanger) Harlin, Chapter 1 is supposed to kick off a new “trilogy” of Strangers movies.  I don’t know how they are going to string this thin premise across three movies.  There’s barely enough plot here for one flick, let alone three. 

The plot is similar to the first movie.  The key differences is that instead of focusing on a husband and wife contemplating breaking up, we have a happy couple as the leads, and instead of the Strangers invading their home, it’s a crappy Airbnb out in the woods.  Other than that, it’s the same flick. 

I didn’t even really like The Strangers the first time around, but it was OK for what it was.  While the sequel, Prey at Night, wasn’t much better, it at least it had a faux ‘80s vibe going on that I appreciated.  This one has to be the most generic slasher since the ‘80s, which is a bold statement, but one I think I can stand by. 

What makes it so disappointing is the fact that Harlin is usually a fun and kinetic director.  This time out, he left his style and sense of fun at home.  I will say he keeps things moving.  It’s never dull, but it never really cooks either. 

It doesn’t help that the two main characters are two of the dumbest people to ever have the misfortune of being in a horror movie.  This should’ve been over at the twenty-minute mark had it starred anyone with half a brain cell.  All the girl had to do was turn around to find one of the Strangers standing behind her.  Even better, she should’ve introduced herself to the Strangers and then they wouldn’t be strangers anymore, and then we could’ve all gone home. 

This movie offered up some of the biggest unintentional laughs I’ve had in a theater in some time.  That’s why I can’t find it in my heart to give it any lower than **.  The nearly full crowd I saw it with were roaring with laughter too, mostly at the sheer idiocy of the couple and their priceless reaction shots that evoke more chuckles than chills. 

As bad as it is, I’m hopeful that Chapter 2 (which is already shot and ready to be released) could work.  Hopefully, Harlin has gotten rebooting the first movie out of his system and he can finally do something new with the material.  After all, this is the man who gave us A Nightmare on Elm Street 4:  The Dream Master, Die Hard 2 and Exorcist:  The Beginning, so he definitely knows his way around a sequel. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LADY SNOWBLOOD: LOVE SONG OF VENGEANCE (1974) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Lady Snowblood:  Love Song of Vengeance kicks off with a great, long, unbroken tracking shot of Lady Snowblood (Meiko Kaji, who is excellent once again) hacking up a bunch of bandits with her sword without even breaking a sweat.  There’s also a similarly breathtaking shot minutes later when she goes toe to toe with some cops.  And all this before the title even pops up on the screen!  Unfortunately, this is about where the movie tops out, but it still remains a solid sequel through and through.

This time out, Lady Snowblood is arrested for her crimes in the first movie.  She is rescued from the gallows by a crooked government official who wants her to spy on a revolutionary.  Gradually, she is swayed into joining his cause.  Later, when he and his fellow anarchists are found murdered, Lady Snowblood springs into action. 

Love Song of Vengeance is a fun samurai flick, but it is a noticeable step down compared to the original Lady Snowblood.  The biggest debit is that it’s more or less a political intrigue thriller.  While that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it lacks the punch of a typical revenge flick.  Since Lady Snowblood has already satisfied her need for revenge, it’s missing the urgency of its predecessor.  Furthermore, it feels like she gets sidelined once the plot focuses on the revolutionary and his estranged doctor brother.  Still, the sword fights are fairly graphic as we get a pretty good knife in the face effect and a gnarly punctured eyeball scene. 

This isn’t a bad flick overall.  Far from it.  It’s just that the original casts a long shadow.  I also wish Kaji had more to do during the middle section.  While the film is bookended with some great swordplay, it certainly loses some spark once she becomes a bystander to the action.  The film also sports a fine electronic-inspired score, although I personally missed the theme song from the original. 

AKA:  Lady Snowblood 2:  Love Song of Vengeance.  AKA:  Web of Treachery.  

1,000 SHAPES OF A FEMALE (1963) * ½

An art dealer wants to put on a show dedicated to the nude female form in Greenwich Village.  After he scours the bohemian coffee shops looking for the right artists to showcase, we see the artists at work as they hire models to disrobe and pose for them.  It all ends with a big art show, and it isn’t long before it turns into a swinging party. 

Basically, the stuff with the art dealer just exists as an excuse to string together a series of scenes where an artist paints nude figure models.  Director Barry (The Beast That Killed Women) Mahon delivers these sequences in a workmanlike manner.  Most of these scenes are lukewarm at best, but I did like the parts when the artist used his models’ bodies as his “brush”.  

The performers include plenty of familiar faces from the ‘60s exploitation circuit such as Gigi Darlene, Darlene Bennett, Byron Mabe, and Olga herself, Audrey Campbell.  Despite a solid cast, the majority of 1,000 Shapes of a Female is pretty dull.  The performances by folk musicians are only there to act as padding and are sure to grate on your nerves.  At least some of the wry narration is good for a chuckle.  (Like when they try to draw comparisons of nude paintings to the works of the old masters.)  Speaking of narration, this is one of those movies that features narration that overlaps the dialogue and/or gratuitously explains to the audience the action on screen.  This shit gets annoying after a while.

The scene where an artist uses darts to pop paint-filled balloons for his work is kind of amusing, but the film needed more of these nutty touches to make it worthwhile.  Inexplicably odd moments (like when the models swap recipes while posing nude) help ensure there’s no chance of titillation whatsoever.  That is, unless you have a nude figure model and/or body painting fetish.  I guess.

AKA:  1,000 Female Shapes.