LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DAMAGED LIVES (1933) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Donald (Lyman Williams) is an asshole workaholic who can’t quite find the time to marry his best gal Joan (Diane Sinclair). During a night on the town, he has a one-night stand with a hot-to-trot blonde.  After a wild evening of sin and fornication, Donald does what any guy with a guilty conscience would do:  Impulsively marry his girlfriend!  What he doesn’t know is that he contracted VD from his FWB and has now put his wife (and unborn child) at risk. 

Damaged Lives is an early film by Edgar G. (Detour) Ullmer.  It’s a mostly dull “social disease” movie that often takes itself way too seriously to be very much fun.  Usually, these scare pictures have to be over the top in order to… you know… scare the audience and/or get its message across.  (Take a look at Reefer Madness for a textbook example of how the pros do it.)  With Damaged Lives, it was almost as if Ullmer thought he was making a “real” movie.  Heck, even some misguided melodramatics would’ve been welcome. 

The acting runs the gamut from stilted to overdramatic.  When I say “overdramatic” I’m not talking the wild-eyed antics of the cast of Reefer Madness either. I mean they are community dinner theater reject bad. 

One memorable sequence comes late in the picture when a doctor takes our infected hero on a tour of a VD ward and shows him a variety of patients suffering from the ravages of syphilis and details how they contracted the ailment.  (So much for patient confidentiality!)  If the rest of the flick had this same sort of exploitative vibe, it might’ve been worthwhile.  Then again, it did come rather early in the social disease movie cycle, so maybe they just hadn’t worked the bugs out of the formula yet.

AKA:  The Kiss That Kills.  AKA:  The Shocking Truth.

SANDAHL BERGMAN’S BODY (1983) ****

As a fan of ‘80s celebrity workout videos, I’m surprised I had never seen Sandahl Bergman’s entry into the genre.  This was made a year after her breakout role in Conan the Barbarian and it’s one of the better celebrity workout videos out there.  That’s mostly due to her extensive background in dance.  Many of the exercises seem credible and effective, unlike some of the fluff routines you see in a lot of celebrity workout videos.  It almost certainly captures the crown for Best Title of a Celebrity Workout Video as Sandahl Bergman’s body is front and center for a full hour. 

The workout begins with an “All Over Warm-Up”, an energetic mix of cardio, dance, aerobics, and stretching exercises. “Posture and Balance” is next, and I think posture is an important aspect of fitness that few (if any) workout videos address.  It's touches like this that help make this video stand out from the rest of the pack.  “Stomach” involves an assortment of ab exercises such as crunches and sit-ups.  “Coordination” is a funky little dance exercise that almost resembles breakdancing.  “Buttocks and Thighs” involves a lot of pelvic thrusting and gyration of the hips, which is to say, it’s awesome.  You would think “Running” would be about… you know… running, but it looks more like a can-can number as Sandahl and her two shirtless boy toys hold hands and kick their legs most of the time.  “Ballet” is less an exercise and more of an excuse for Sandahl to show off some of her dance skills.  “Calves and Thighs” begins with Sandahl sitting in a chair Fonzie-style and kicking her feet and tapping her toes before standing up to perform some wild and sexy dance moves.  This high energy segment and is fun, mostly because Bergman is obviously really into it.  “Waist” is yet another glorified dance routine, but a rather entertaining one.  That’s followed by “Arms”, a routine that has Sandahl moving her arms in circular motions.  That doesn’t sound like it would be a must-see event, but she also bends over several times while wearing her skimpy leotard, which makes this exercise worth the price of admission.  “Heart and Lungs” is another dance-heavy cardio workout, and it’s a real winner thanks to some choice camera placement.  “Floor Stretch” is a golden opportunity for Sandahl to show the audience just how limber she is… and believe you me… she is LIMBER!

If there is a criticism, it’s that many of the exercises are pretty advanced.  Because of that, this might not be the best video for the casual beginner.  However, if you want to see Sandal Bergman’s body, then this certainly delivers on the title. 

Sandahl looks terrific throughout as she wears an assortment of spandex, short shorts, and of course, leg warmers.  (This was the ‘80s after all.)  The cameraman deserved an award too as he gives us some sterling shots of Sandahl Bergman’s body.  I mean why not?  That’s the name of the video! 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TEST TUBE BABIES (1948) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 20th, 2007)

Ed Wood regular Timothy Farrell made his film debut in this “Adults Only” movie from George Weiss, the producer of Glen or Glenda. He plays a doctor trying to help a young couple named George (William Thomason) and Cathy (Dorothy Duke) weigh their options once they realize that George is shooting blanks. He preaches about artificial insemination (a wowser of a concept at the time) and convinces them to have the procedure done.

This “educational” flick runs a scant 52 minutes with most of the running time spent on a wild party they attend. (They only go to the doctor during the last 15 minutes or so.) There are brief scenes of both the insemination and the birth, but nothing is ever shown. A surprising topless catfight and some tantalizingly brief glimpses of nudity assured the ‘40s audience would get their share of cheap thrills as well as sex education.

While the film is frankly informative, you have to sit through a lot of domestic stuff before you get to the actual procedure. But hey, at this running time you can’t complain that much. Farrell is pretty good especially when giving his chuckle inducing speeches and reprised his role in Hometown Girl released the same year.

AKA: Blessed Are They. AKA: Sins of Love. AKA: The Pill.

MONSTER HUNTER (2020) **

After bidding farewell to the Resident Evil franchise, director Paul W.S. Anderson and his wife/muse Milla Jovovich hopped aboard another video game movie.  Now, Monster Hunter is a video game I had never heard of, let alone played, so I can’t say how faithful it is to the source material.  All I know is it’s a big comedown from the Resident Evil flicks. 

Milla plays an Army Ranger whose team enters a mysterious sandstorm and wind up in another dimension where they do battle with monsters who burrow through the desert like Bugs Bunny on his way to Pismo Beach. Eventually she comes in contact with Tony Jaa, another lost/temporally displaced traveler in the desert.  After gaining each other’s trust, they band together to fight the monsters in hopes of finding a way back home. 

I love it when a movie shows me something I’ve never seen before.  Monster Hunter gives us the delirious sight of a bleach blonde Ron Perlman piloting a pirate ship across dry land.  Not a bad way to start a movie if you ask me.  We also get a cat man pirate who is criminally underutilized. 

Unfortunately, things become frustratingly generic after the fun opening as the desert battle scenes are kind of a bust, and the escape from the creatures’ hive sequence feels like leftovers from an Alien sequel.  It also doesn’t help that the monsters themselves don’t have much personality as they resemble giant ticks and/or the offspring of a dragon and the sandworm from Tremors. 

Also, the fights between Jaa and Jovovich, two of my favorite action stars working today, are strangely lackluster.  They’re overedited, underchoreographed, and underwhelming.  The climax is likewise tepid as the whole thing boils down to them fighting a dragon.  The gratuitous set-up for a sequel doesn’t help matters either.  I will say it’s never boring, and the sight of Jovovich and Jaa together is fun, even if Anderson doesn’t quite make the most of their talents. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SEX MADNESS (1938) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

This ranks up there next to Reefer Madness as a classic example of a ‘30s scare film. This time it’s not marijuana that is the destroyer of innocent youth, but syphilis. See innocent naïve chorus girls get wrapped up in “wild” parties where they have sex and catch the deadly disease. See young starlets sleep with producers to get ahead and get more VD than PR out of it. See innocent husbands contract the disease from their infected fiancées. See infected women give birth to syphilis ridden children. See a trip to a “real” syphilis ward. See hints of lesbianism. See doctors lecturing about the evils of sex. I don’t know if anyone took this seriously in 1938, but almost 70 years later it works pretty well as camp. It’s not as funny as Reefer Madness is but the subject matter and how it’s handled should elicit more chuckles from you than those filmstrips they showed you in Family Life class. Director Dwain Esper also directed the equally sensational Maniac. For a pretty funny send-up of this movie, you should check out Amazon Women on the Moon.

AKA: Human Wreckage. AKA: They Must Be Told.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: REEFER MADNESS (1936) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

The most famous and funniest of the drug scare movies of the ‘30s is just as hilarious today as when it was first released. During an emergency PTA meeting, a leading drug expert tells concerned parents about how people smuggle drugs into their community then settles in and tells them a story how marijuana damaged the lives of some happening young people. A drug dealing married couple invites several of the neighborhood teens to their swinging pad to dance and play records and get them all hooked on Mary Jane. Some of the kids end up as murderers, commit suicide, and become clinically insane.

I’ve never done any kinds of drugs, but I’ve seen stoners in real life, and they don’t swing dance, play piano like Chico Marx on speed, or commit murders. Dave (The Devil Bat) O’Brien takes the acting honors as Ralph who becomes hooked on the cursed devil weed. The scenes of chain smoking, wild eyed, pot puffing teens aren’t easily forgotten. It was re-released several times under many different names and was one of the first midnight cult movies to gain notoriety. Star Dorothy Short (who was also married to O’Brien) was also in the marijuana themed Assassin of Youth the next year.

AKA: Tell Your Children. AKA: Doped Youth.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MANIAC (1934) ****

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 12th, 2008)

Dwain Esper, the man who brought us the immortal Reefer Madness, directed this hilarious cult classic that plays like a Frankenstein movie cross pollinated with Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Black Cat”.

A psychotic physician blackmails an out of work actor (“Once a ham, always a ham!”) into assisting him in his experiments in which he tries to bring the dead back to life.  After the assistant murders the doctor, he hides his corpse behind the basement wall and uses his acting talents to impersonate the doctor.  The dude gets so crazy that he plucks the eyeball out of a cat and eats it.  (“It’s not unlike an oyster or a grape!”)  He also experiments on a drug that turns a patient into a wild screeching maniac who rips the clothes off of a woman and rapes her.  Eventually the cops come and discover the doctor’s body and lock the assistant’s nutty ass up.

To get away with the lurid subject matter, Esper tacked on a written prologue warning the audience of the dangers of mental illness, as well as title cards in between scenes giving us a lot of medical terminology.  You see because the title cards were “informative”, the nudity and murder was OK.  (Esper did the same thing with Reefer Madness.)  Esper’s directorial style is a little flat and stagy, but the constant close-ups of the mad doctor’s face superimposed over shots of devils (stolen footage from Haxan) are really effective.

While it may seem a little tame by today’s standards, Maniac is one of the earliest exploitation movies ever made and therefore it comes highly recommended.  There’s murder, nudity, catfights (one between two women and another involving actual cats) and a little bit of gore.  Filmmakers would later take these elements and run with them, but the groundwork was first laid here with Maniac. 

Maniac sits atop of the Video Vacuum Top Ten of the Year for 1934 at the Number One spot.

AKA:  Sex Maniac.