LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TOO HOT TO HANDLE (1950) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Too Hot to Handle is essentially an hour-long filmed burlesque act.  Things kick off with a lounge singer performing the title song while he’s surrounded by dancing blondes.  Then, a Latina does a Spanish style striptease followed by a comedian who does the old “7 x 13 = 28” routine that Abbott and Costello used to do.  That’s followed by a bubbly blonde named Melodee Lane stripping and another so-so comedy sequence.  Next, a woman performs a song called “Hot Nuts” before doing a striptease.  Afterwards, we get another unfunny comic act followed by another striptease by the energetic Melodee, this time on a producer’s casting couch.  Things continue with more (sigh) comedy acts before the showstopping PatIy Waggin performs a long “Parisian” number. 

All this works better as a filmed historical record of a bygone era of entertainment than… actual entertainment.  I don’t even think the film lived up to its title back in the ‘50s as it offers more tease than please.  Even as far as burlesque movies go, this one doesn’t quite cut the mustard.  The stripping scenes are about par for the course (although Melodee Lane is rather fun to watch), but many of the comedy routines (other than the math segment) aren’t funny and go on too long.  Still, the mercifully brief hour-long running time is appreciated. 

While neither A Virgin in Hollywood nor Too Hot to Handle are classics by any means, Something Weird’s “Best of Burlesque” two-disc set is still well worth owning.  Any fan of old school smut will enjoy this head-spinning collection featuring hours of old striptease reels (some of which are in 3-D), burlesque acts, and trailers.  This is one case where a collection is more than a sum of its parts as the films themselves are easily outshone by the extras.  It all shows once again why Something Weird is the best in the business. 

AKA:  Fig Leaf Frolics.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: A VIRGIN IN HOLLYWOOD (1953) **

FORMAT:  DVD

A small-town reporter is given the plum assignment of going to Hollywood and doing a sordid tell-all on the seamy side of show biz.  Trouble is, she’s a homely virgin who’s unacquainted with sin.  Luckily for her, the first day on the job she stumbles upon a cheesecake photo shoot in the Hollywood Hills.  Later, she gets invited to a burlesque show.

Smack dab in the middle of this relatively tame and honestly rather dull flick, there are two five-minute 3-D interludes to spice up the proceedings.  This first is called “Dance of the Blonde Slave’s Revenge”.   A slave girl is unchained by her captor who makes her do a Bobby and Cissie routine.  She eventually stabs him in the back and escapes.  This sequence is mild and brief, but it does have a bottle and a pair of arms coming out at the audience. 

Next up is “Madonna and Her Bubbles”.  In this segment, a dancer blows bubbles out into the audience before doing an energetic dance routine.  The only 3-D effects are bubbles and arms stretching out into the audience, but this sequence is fun, mostly because of the dancer’s energy.  Then it’s back to the “main” plot. 

Our intrepid reporter next goes undercover as a cheesecake model before going on a series of bad blind dates.  There’s even a scene where she encounters a drag performer.  It all ends with her getting a job as a lingerie model and getting into a cat fight with another jealous model.  Luckily, her editor swoops in at the last minute to take her away from all this tawdriness. 

A Virgin in Hollywood may have been downright scandalous at the time of its original release, but watching it now, it all seems quaint and a tad boring.  Thankfully, the incongruous 3-D scenes, which are honestly nothing to write home about, make the whole experience at the very least memorable. 

The reporter gets the best line of the movie when she asks her gal pal, “Did you ever feel as though you swallowed an electric vibrator?”

AKA:  The Side Streets of Hollywood.  AKA:  Should a Girl Say Yes?

SUPERARGO AND THE FACELESS GIANTS (1971) ***

A mad scientist (Guy Madison) is kidnapping the world’s greatest athletes and turning them into mind-controlled automatons who do his bidding.  Secret agent Superargo (once again played by Giovanni Cianfriglia) is put on the case and returns to the wrestling ring to set a trap for the so-called “Faceless Giants”.  (It’s at this point of the review that I should note that the Faceless Giants all have faces and aren’t all that giant, but never mind.)  Superargo eventually convinces the deadly doctor’s hot assistant (Diana Lorys) to switch sides to help him defeat the mechanical monsters once and for all. 

I had a lot of fun with Superargo Against Diabolicus, so I decided to immediately run out and watch this goofy sequel.  Turns out, it’s even better.  Like the first flick, it feels like an Italian version of an El Santo movie.  This time out, there’s a heavier concentration of Sci-Fi silliness, which makes it enormously entertaining.  The Faceless Giants look like dudes in dime store robot costumes with coffee urns on their head and pantyhose over their faces.  I also liked that Superargo now trains with an Indian mystic and has mastered the art of levitation, telepathy, and blowing stuff up with his mind (although it never comes in handy, go figure).  Plus, there’s even more wrestling here than in the original, which is a bonus.  The groovy jazzy score also kicks a lot of ass. 

As with Superargo Against Diabolicus, the film has a tendency to drag whenever it becomes a little plot heavy.  The second act in particular is rather patchy, and the finale lacks the sustained silliness of the early going.  That’s really me just nitpicking.  Ultimately, whenever Superargo is punching the daylights out of goofy looking robot men, it’s damn good times. 

AKA:  The Invincible Superman.  AKA:  Superargo the Giant.  AKA:  The King of Criminals.  AKA:  Superargo.

SUPERARGO AGAINST DIABOLICUS (1968) ***

If you ever wondered what an Italian version of a Mexican wrestling movie would look like, then you should check this out.  Believe it or not, it almost lives up to that description.  Almost.

Masked wrestling champion Superargo (Giovanni Cianfriglia) falls into a deep depression after accidentally killing an opponent in the ring.  His good pal is the head of the Secret Service, and he knows if anything can snap Superargo out of a funk, it’s saving the world from a dastardly villain.  In this case, it’s the evil Diabolicus (Gerard Tichy) who has found the “philosopher’s stone” that can change base metals into gold.  His plan is one of those Goldfinger numbers where he’s going to fuck up the price of gold in the world market.  It’s then up to Superargo to get his shit together and stop him. 

Like the El Santo movies, there are touches of the James Bond films here, although they are much more overt.  (Superargo gets a sports car filled with gadgets.)  As with even the legit Bond movies, things bog down during the longish underwater scenes, but not so much that it derails the fun. 

Besides, there is plenty of silliness here for any dyed in the wool fan of B movie cinema to enjoy.  The scenes of Superargo showing off his strength in a lab feel like a precursor to the Six Million Dollar Man.  The stuff with masked wrestlers kicking the crap out of and/or ruthlessly gunning down hapless henchmen are a lot of fun too, and the trippy opening credits sequence is memorable.

Superargo’s boss gets the best line when he warns our hero about one of his gadgets,” Don’t eat it!  That olive cost a thousand dollars!”

Followed by Superargo and the Faceless Giants. 

AKA: Superargo vs. Diabolicus.  AKA:  Superargo Against Dr. Diabolo.  AKA:  Superargo.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HOWL OF THE DEVIL (1988) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Right up front, we get a note from writer/director/star Paul Naschy stating that this is intended as an homage to the classic Universal movies of the ‘30s and ‘40s.  Unlike Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi, Naschy gets to bang hot naked chicks. 

Naschy stars in a dual role, which adds to the fun.  He’s Hector, a rich, reclusive actor who has his chauffeur (Howard Vernon from countless Jess Franco movies) pick up sexy babes for him.  Then, he dresses up like various movie characters (Rasputin, Bluebeard, and Fu Manchu) and has his way with them.  Afterwards, as the ladies are in the middle of their walk of shame through the woods, a masked killer hacks them up. 

Naschy also plays the ghost of the actor’s twin brother, a dead movie star known for his horror roles.  He appears to his orphan son (played by Naschy’s real life son, Sergio Molina) dressed as his most iconic characters (Frankenstein, Mr. Hyde, the Phantom of the Opera, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and of course, the Wolfman) and tries to keep the boy’s spirits up.  On top of that we have Caroline Munro as Hector’s sexy servant.  I bet you’re asking yourself, what’s not to love about this movie? 

Well, some of this is a little confusing, but it kind of adds to the overall dreamlike quality of the film.  Sure, it’s disjointed, a tad overlong (the subplot with the scheming priest and his hobo sidekick threaten to drag things down), and some parts are way more effective than others.  However, Naschy is clearly having a ball playing multiple roles and dressing up in various monster get-ups, and that level of fun rubs off on the audience.  The copious nudity certainly helps too, and the gore is solid as well.  (There’s a shocking pre-title kill scene, pliers to the nipple, and a sweet bathtub murder.)  The ending is straight-up bonkers too.  

What are you waiting for?  Why are you still reading this?  Check it out!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FASCINATION (1979) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on June 9th, 2014)

A dude that looks like the lead singer for Men Without Hats swindles some gold from some unsavory characters and holes up at a seemingly uninhabited chateau. Luckily for the audience, Brigitte Lahaie and Franca Mai are lurking about the premises. After Brigitte gets it on with the Men Without Hats dude, she offs the thieves who were looking to kill him. Before long, a gaggle of hot women are hanging around the chateau looking to put the bite on him. Franca eventually starts getting attached to our dopey hero and decides to save him from the bloodthirsty babes.

Fascination is one of director Jean Rollin’s best. It’s an atmospheric and sexy horror flick filled with art and class and tits and ass. And while it’s not exactly a vampire flick, the way Rollin teases the women’s true identity and motives is a lot of fun.

There are some rough passages along the way, sure. And the flick feels a lot longer than the 81 minute running time too. But whenever the flick is working, it’s a thing of beauty.

Speaking of beauty, Brigitte Lahaie is the big reason the film works as well as it does. She is simply breathtaking in this flick and is enchanting as the sexy seductress. Fewer women in motion picture history have looked hotter wielding a scythe while wearing nothing more than a cape than Lahaie. Seriously, if that is what Death looks like, I’ll gladly meet the reaper.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: JAWS (1975) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on May 20th, 2015)

Jaws has always been one of my favorite movies as far back as I can remember. Sadly, I wasn’t old enough to see it during its original theatrical run (although I did see both Jaws 3-D and Jaws the Revenge). The other night, as part of our local theater’s “Classic Movie Mondays”, I was able to finally see it on the big screen as God and Spielberg intended, and boy what a difference it makes.

Whenever I watched Jaws in the past, it was on a modestly sized television screen. Seeing the shark for the first time on the big screen is a revelation. I mean when the shark pops out of the water for the first time, you’re more or less seeing him at actual size. The opening shark attack scene was simply breathtaking on the big screen. Heck, just hearing John Williams’ iconic score coming out of those giant speakers was enough to get the goosebumps going and the hairs standing on the back of your neck.

It also helped that the film was playing to a packed house. Even though most of the people were clearly fans of the movie, they were jumping out of their seats and screaming at all the right parts. The scene where the severed leg of the hapless boater slowly floats to the bottom of the ocean had everyone hooting and hollering. When Chief Brody (Roy Scheider) uttered the immortal line, “Smile, you son of a bitch!” the audience erupted into an applause the likes I’ve never heard.

When the film is on dry land, Jaws is a terrific Killer Shark movie. Murray Hamilton is great as the asshole mayor who wants to keep the beaches open on the fourth of July, despite the fact there’s a giant shark just off the coast eating swimmers left and right. How many other Killer Animal flicks used this same stock character? Too many to count, but Hamilton essays the role expertly, and when he finally learns his lesson, we can’t help but feel a bit sorry for him.

When the action moves out to the open water, Jaws becomes something more. It becomes a mythic tale of Man vs. Nature that has no equal. Moby Dick is for pussies. The Old Man and the Sea is for wussies. Jaws is where it’s at.

As played by Robert Shaw, Quint is one of the greatest characters in all of cinema. The old crusty sea captain is distrustful of Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss) because he’s rich and he uses all sorts of newfangled shark technology. However, when Quint’s seasoned, antiquated ways of shark hunting prove futile, he grudgingly turns to Hooper for help. Of course, this shark is so lethal that Hooper’s fancy equipment doesn’t last very long either, but it’s the fact that Quint looks to Hooper for help (out of desperation as well as respect) shows how his character grows throughout the film.

The centerpiece has nothing to do with the shark. It’s just Quint, Brody, and Hooper sitting around the boat, drinking, singing, and showing off their scars. This is the single greatest male bonding scene in screen history. Not to mention the fact that Quint’s speech about the USS Indianapolis is one of the most stirring monologues ever captured on film.

In the end, Quint fights the shark kicking and screaming (literally). When he dies, his loss is sorely felt. Hooper barely survives his run-in with the shark and quickly swims off for safety. It’s then up to Brody to dig down deep and man up to fight the shark.

Quint is the man of yesterday, still stuck in his old shark hunting ways. Hooper is the man of tomorrow with all of his expensive shark hunting gadgets. Brody is Mr. Right Now. He doesn’t know stern from bow. He has to take Dramamine to go onboard the boat. He is an everyman, a family man, an average Joe who is plagued with doubt and fear. However, when the chips are down, it is Brody who is the hero.

Armed with only his wits, a canister of compressed air, and a rifle, he takes on the beast as the ship slowly sinks into the sea. This scene is so rife with tension, and when he finally does take the sucker down… well… it’s just one of the most perfect moments you’ll ever experience on a movie screen. Quite simply, Jaws is one of The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

That original review was my reaction to seeing Jaws on the big screen.  Seeing it at home on a large flat screen TV in 4K is the next best thing.  (All that’s missing is hearing the audience’s reactions to the film’s most iconic moments.)  Other than that, it’s Jaws.  What more needs to be said?

4K UHD NOTES:

The 4k transfer of Steven Spielberg’s masterpiece is excellent.  The picture is razor sharp while still retaining the soft-focus majesty of Bill Butler’s cinematography.  The nighttime scenes are appropriately dark, yet crisp and full of detail (particularly the underwater scenes), and the daytime sequences look bright and picturesque.  In short, every self-respecting film lover with a 4K player needs this one in their collection.