LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE BEES (1978) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As published in my book, Double Vision:  Hollywood vs. Hollywood)

Back when I had a Beta player, one of the few movies I owned was The Bees.  If ever there was an unsung B (err… Bee?) Movie, it’s this one.  The term “So Bad, It’s Good” has been thrown around so much that it has become a cliché.  If ever there was a flick applied to that cliché, it’s this one.  If you’re the kind of person whose lifeblood is “So Bad, It’s Good” cinema, you’ll want to check it out.  I’ll even go so far to say that if you go out and watch any one film featured in this book, it should be The Bees.  You’ll thank me.

The Bees was released to cash in on The Swarm.  It is one of the few cases where the cash-in is far more entertaining than its big budget counterpart.  I can’t say it’s a “good” movie exactly, but it’s funnier than most comedies.

The plot has a scientist in South America studying killer bees.  A poor farmer and his young son break into his property looking to steal honey and unwittingly unleash the killer bees.  They sting the little kid to death and this incites the local villagers to grab their torches and pitchforks and burn the place to the ground!

Yes folks, if you thought torch and pitchfork-wielding villagers were only relegated to Frankenstein movies, think again.

Anyway, the scientist dies and his hot wife (Angel Tompkins from The Teacher) survives by hiding in the walk-in freezer.  She then smuggles some killer bees with her to New York to show her scientist grandfather (John Carradine, utilizing a hysterical German accent) what her hubby had been working on.  She’s not in the Big Apple five minutes when some muggers swipe her bag and unwittingly get stung to death in the process!

Meanwhile, John Saxon is working with the U.N. to find a way to make the bees stop killing people.  They’re important because they produce twice the amount of honey than an ordinary bee.  Angel meets up with John in his hotel room where he is trying to score with a hot babe he calls his “friend”.

I have to tell you folks, the scene where John meets Angel for the first time is legendary.  His girlfriend winds up getting stung by one of Angel’s bees and runs out of the apartment.  This leads to the best dialogue exchange in the movie:

Angel:  “It probably stung your friend.”

John:  “Will she be all right?”

Angel:  “She’ll be dead in a couple of minutes.”

John:  “I need my friend.”

Just reading their dialogue doesn’t do this scene justice.  The way Saxon says his line is flat-out hilarious.  You’ll be laughing so hard you’ll probably miss the throwaway line where Tompkins assures him that one bee isn’t as deadly as thousands (although that doesn’t exactly rule out the fact that his girlfriend could very well be dead).

If that doesn’t make you laugh, the next scene will.  Apparently, John isn’t too worried about his “friend”, and Angel has fully gotten over the death of her husband because they wind up spending the night together!  Is this movie fucking awesome or what?

The next day, Saxon opens his big mouth to a bunch of businessmen that the killer bees produce more honey than regular bees.  Immediately, the big business guys have their people illegally sneak in a mess of killer bees.  Naturally, they get loose and kill a fat girl on the beach.

The attack scene on the beach is hilarious.  There’s one shot of a guy quivering in panic that will make you stop and rewind the film multiple times.  Did I mention the guy in question is wearing obvious blackface make-up?  (I guess they couldn’t find any African-American extras that day.)  This fact is made even more obvious when he covers his face with his hands, which are white as a ghost because they have absolutely no make-up on them whatsoever.

I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

Then there’s a great scene where an old dude gets a couple of foul-mouthed kids to find some bees to sting him to clear up his rheumatism.  Naturally, things go bad and they all get stung to death.  The hilarity of this scene is heightened by the fact that the musical score sounds like something out of a Merrie Melodies cartoon.

But it gets better.

The bees then attack the Rose Bowl parade.  The scenes of parade floats being swarmed by bees are priceless.  Former President Gerald Ford also has a cameo in this scene, but as far as I could tell, he emerged unscathed from the killer bee attack.

John then gets a big idea to stop the bees.  He’ll spray them with a pheromone that turns them gay so they won’t reproduce with the queen.  One congressman says, “Are you saying that this chemical of yours will turn the male bees into homosexuals?  That reminds me of a certain neighborhood I know in LA!”

Only in the ‘70s, folks.

Of course, the plan doesn’t work, but luckily, John Carradine has been listening to tapes of the bees’ buzzing and has deciphered their language.  He also figures out that one of the politicians has been stealing from his bee fund.  When he tries to do something about it, the politician has him gunned down by some hitmen.  They also go after John and Angel, but the killers wind up getting a face full of bees for their trouble.  Thankfully, the politician dies from a horrible bee attack and falls several stories to his death, so that plot point gets wrapped up fairly quickly.

If you can’t already tell, the stuff with the hitmen and the crooked politician is just padding.  Since we’re only at the hour mark, you know there’s bound to be even more padding just around the corner.  The Bees doesn’t disappoint as the next couple of minutes are nothing more than bees superimposed over stock footage of planes crashing while a TV news reporter covers the action.

I guess I should tell you about this TV news set.  It’s nothing more than a guy sitting at a desk in front of some steel shutters with the words “TV 3” written in black electrical tape on them.  God, I love this movie.

In the end, John Saxon finally cracks the bees’ language and learns they will destroy the human race if we don’t stop ruining the environment.  He takes this info to the U.N. and they naturally, don’t believe him.  (The ambassador for Great Britain says, “Good Lord.  This chap’s gone completely raving bonkers!”)  Then the bees crash the U.N. and John issues his final plea for man and bee to live in harmony.

Yes, folks.  The finale manages to rip-off Phase IV AND Superman IV at the same time.  Any movie that can pull off a feat like that is all right with me.

If you can’t already tell, The Bees is nuttier than a squirrel turd.  I love it.  I’ll gladly take it over The Swarm any day.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET (1977) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 4th, 2011)

This movie resembles something that clawed its way out of Satan’s butthole; and I mean that in the best way possible. Every frame of the film looks like the final retinal image of a dying deranged lunatic. If that isn’t the highest form of praise I can bestow on a movie; I don’t know what is.

Some porno backers are tired of the usual old skinflicks so they hire Terry Hawkins (writer/director Roger Watkins) to make some new product. They don’t count on him being a total nutjob. Terry takes his work very seriously and he along with his loyal cast and crew, makes some disgusting snuff films in which they wear cheap dime store masks and slaughter the producers (and their wives) on camera.

So in a way; it’s kinda like Cecil B. Demented Meets The Strangers.

The first 40 minutes of The Last House on Dead End Street are sloppy, amateurish, and more than a little boring. But the final half hour of the film where all the snuffing happens is fucked up and then some. The gore highlight comes when Terry and his crew tie a chick down, cut off her legs, and rip every organ imaginable out of her body. We also get an outrageous scene where a chick is put in blackface and whipped at a party too. But nothing can prepare you for the scene where a gal unzips her jeans and pulls out a deer hoof and makes some poor bastard suck it like Sasha Grey.

Folks, if this scene doesn’t make you want to take a shower directly afterwards, nothing will.

Watkins is pretty awesome in this movie. He kinda looks like a cross between Bill Hader and Marky Ramone and gives a truly awesome performance. My favorite scene of his was when he stomped his producer to death while repeatedly screaming, “I’m directing this fucking movie!”

If ever there was a movie about a misunderstood artist struggling to find balance between art and commerce, it’s this one.

As a director, Watkins does a fine job too. He basically makes the whole flick look like an honest to God snuff film; which is a pretty impressive feat. It’s a shame he never directed another horror film because if The Last House on Dead End Street was any indication; he could’ve been one of the greats.

AKA: The Cuckoo Clocks of Hell. AKA: The Fun House.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CORRUPTION (1983) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on March 18th, 2016)

I’m a huge Jamie Gillis fan. In fact, my next book (which hopefully will be out by the summer) will feature an entire chapter devoted to the man. Gillis delivered some truly stellar performances in a slew of XXX movies over the years, and he’s always fun to watch, no matter the quality of the film. In Corruption, he gives a good performance, but the flick is so muddled that he never is really given much to work with.

Gillis plays a businessman who closes some sort of deal. His brother is a lowlife who he has to make a temporary alliance with to make sure the deal goes through. He then leads Gillis into a place that has a series of red doors, each of which feature a bunch of people performing sex acts just behind them.

I really couldn’t make head or tails of what was going on in the movie. It’s particularly frustrating and disappointing given the fact that it was directed by none other than Roger Watkins of The Last House on Dead End Street fame. Although he does toss in a few moments of random weirdness (like the guy in the mime make-up), none of it really makes much sense.

Not that you necessarily need a porno to make sense. If the sex scenes were any good, I probably wouldn’t have minded the fact that Watkins’ plotting sometimes borders on schizophrenic. Although Gillis gets a good scene with Vanessa Del Rio, many of the other sex scenes just come up short. The cinematography looks great too, but in the end, Corruption winds up being too arty to really work as erotica and not sexy enough to function as a straight XXX flick.

AKA: Corruption in Bed.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ROBOT LOVE SLAVES (1971) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 4th, 2017)

A scientist is so busy in his lab perfecting his robot love slaves that he doesn’t have any time for his paralyzed wife.  Not to worry.  She’s not really paralyzed.  She’s just faking it so she can fuck her doctor.  Once the robot love slaves are in working order, the scientist sends them off to ball various friends before turning them on his wife. 

Robot Love Slaves might’ve been better if the hardcore scenes had remained intact.  As it is, this softcore version is perfectly acceptable.  Then again, the missing XXX footage might’ve been terrible, so who knows?  All I know is that sometimes, the editing gets a bit too herky-jerky during the sex scenes.  

Thank goodness the sci-fi scenes are just silly enough to keep you interested during its hour-or-so running time.  I mean the filmmakers did a nice job of making the most of the production’s shoestring budget.  It was all clearly filmed in someone’s apartment, but at least the lab looked decent as far as these things go.  The girls are appealing for the most part.  They certainly seem game enough.  There’s even an OK plot twist near the end.

The funniest and most memorable part though was hearing instrumental versions of the day’s top hits during the sex scenes.  I’m sure there are plenty of other better ‘70s sex films you could waste your time on.  However, how many of those feature people screwing to instrumentals of “Hey Jude” and “What a Wonderful World”?

AKA:  Too Much Loving.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BAT PUSSY (1973) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 4th, 2017)

Just when I thought I’d seen everything, along comes Bat Pussy.  I have seen some jaw-dropping monuments of WTF Cinema in my time.  Nothing could have prepared me for this.

It is on the surface, a porn parody of Batman.  I’m sure you’ve all seen XXX versions of superhero movies (or at the very least know one or two of them by title alone).  This one was the first.  

Let’s just say they hadn’t worked the bugs out yet.

In fact, I’m not sure that anyone involved knew how to make a movie.  In fact, I’m not sure that anyone involved knew how to have sex.  To say Bat Pussy features the least sexiest sex scenes in motion picture history is an understatement of immense proportions.  

This isn’t a “So Bad It’s Good” movie.  This thing goes beyond mere labels.  It exists as a portal into a time in the early ‘70s when someone filmed two ugly human beings writhing around repeating the same lines of dialogue over and over while failing time and again to complete the most basic of sex acts on a beat-up mattress.  Sometimes, you can hear the director talking.  Sometimes, you can hear him belching.  Sometimes, the off-camera chatter is clumsily edited out, leading to odd, soundless sections of film.  Sometimes, the actors can’t hear what the director is saying, so they look directly at the camera and ask, “HUH?”

Folks, Tonya Harding’s sex tape had better sex choreography than this.

There’s something to Bat Pussy that makes it more than a sum of its parts.  Maybe it’s the Robert Altmanesque overlapping dialogue combined with Ed Wood’s patented one-take philosophy.  Maybe it was the John Waters knack for casting coupled with Tommy Wiseau’s penchant for ass shots.  Whatever it is, you can’t take your eyes off it, even when your eyes are threatening a revolt.

The actors, Buddy and Sam keep repeating the same dialogue over and over.  It’s as if they forgot what line came next, so they keep saying it again and again.  The thing is, the way they accuse each other of their various philandering and sexual inadequacies is almost unnerving.  Since their sexual inadequacies are in plain sight for all to see, it makes you feel as if you’re peering into a window that never should’ve been opened.  

You get a feeling early on that there’s more going on with these two than just the filming of a movie.  Often you feel like you’re getting a glimpse of their martial counseling sessions.  Or maybe a look backstage before they go on Jerry Springer.  When Buddy can’t get it up, the obscenities are hurled left and right, creating drama of the highest order.  I think Tennessee Williams himself would’ve admired it.

I haven’t even gotten around to talking about Bat Pussy herself yet.  She’s played by Dora Dildo.  She hangs around on a couch until her twat begins to twitch.  This is obviously the sign that someone is making a smut movie in her town.  She then takes it upon herself to stop it.

It is here where we are treated to a long scene of putting on her costume.  The costume itself isn’t bad.  I’ve certainly seen worse.  It’s her mode of transportation that will have your jaw hanging agape.  The filmmakers apparently couldn’t afford a Batmobile, so instead, they give her a Hippity Hop to get around on.  I’m not making this up.  If the endless scenes of Buddy and Sam bickering back and forth didn’t make you doubt your sanity, the scenes of Bat Pussy on her Hippity Hop (accompanied by a hilarious “boing-boing” sound effect) will.

It gets better.  Once Bat Pussy finally finds Buddy and Sam, they have a three-way.  Throughout the menage a trois, Buddy keeps calling her “Bat Woman”.  He is corrected several times (by people in front of AND behind the camera), but never seems to be able to keep it straight.

In short, if you have fifty minutes of your life to devote to watching one of the most awesome pieces of celluloid ever discovered, then you should by all means watch Bat Pussy.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 22nd, 2010)

When I was a kid, I saw Creature from the Black Lagoon on TV and it about scared the shit out of me.  I remember vividly the scene where the Creature slowly climbs aboard the ship, and walks towards Julia Adams with his scaly hands stretching outwards.  I can still remember being scared because I thought the Creature was REAL.  I knew Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Wolf Man were all guys in make-up.  The Creature on the other hand, was a fucking Creature.  The tip-off that he couldn’t be a man-in-suit monster was the fact that when he breathed, HIS GILLS MOVED!  That proved right there (well, to a six year old anyway) that he was real.  Watching the flick now as an adult, the movie is still a blast.

 

A scientist discovers a mysterious fossil along the Amazon that may prove to be the missing link between man and fish.  He gets together an expedition to head down an uncharted part of the Amazon known as the Black Lagoon to look for the fossil.  They get more than they bargained for when they find a living breathing Gill Man who has a penchant for murdering men and macking on hot women.

 

First and foremost, the movie’s success is due to the Creature himself.  He’s truly one of the greatest monsters of all time.  And that claw of his is positively badass.  When he slaps that sonofabitch onto your face, you’ve fucking had it.

 

But Jack Arnold’s direction is another major component as to why the movie works so well.  He nicely balances the romance stuff between Richard Carlson and Julia Adams with the Creature attacks, and keeps the flick chugging along at a steady clip.  The underwater sequences are excellent too.  Usually, a movie gets bogged down whenever there are too many scuba diving scenes (like in Thunderball), but here, the underwater stuff is almost as good as the scenes on land. I think my favorite underwater scene was when the Creature swims alongside Adams and admires her figure.

 

And you know, so much has been written about the Creature’s libido that it would seem like overkill for me to even go there.  But I’ll go ahead anyway.  Let me begin by saying whereas Dracula just wanted to neck, The Creature wanted to take you back to his pad.  Plus, he doesn’t care what species you are, he’ll still tap that ass.  I mean he is prehistoric, and it’s been about a million years since he’s gotten some, so he’s probably horny as a motherfucker and willing to fuck anything that smells remotely like fish.

 

What makes the Gill Man’s libido so scary is that he is part man/part fish.  But they don’t tell you what part is the man and what part is the fish.  Or if he has fish parts or man parts.  I mean when King Kong courted Fay Wray, we knew there was no way for them to really consummate their relationship.  With the Creature though, we’re not too sure.  It was the ‘50s so they couldn’t really explore this facet of the character too much but if you’ve ever seen Humanoids from the Deep, you know what these suckers are capable of.

 

Creature from the Black Lagoon was also one of the biggest 3-D hits of its day.  I only wish Universal retained the original 3-D effects for the DVD.  Maybe since 3-D is all the rage yet again, Universal will come out with a 3-D version.  And yes Universal, in case you’re reading this; I WOULD double-dip and buy a 3-D DVD of Creature from the Black Lagoon.  (AND Jaws 3-D while we’re on the subject.)

QUICK THOUGHTS: 

Creature from the Black Lagoon is the crown jewel of Universal’s ‘50s horror cycle.  It also happens to be one of the best films of the ‘50s.  I’m not talking just about the horror genre here.  I mean it’s one of the best movies of the entire decade.  I’ve seen it so many times that I don’t really have much more to add, except that it’s always a pleasure to have another chance to enjoy Julia Adam’s performance, as she is one of the best prototypical Scream Queens of all time. 

4K UHD NOTES:

This was the first black and white movie I’ve seen in 4K, and I was interested in how it would look.  The picture is excellent.  Nearly every frame is razor sharp, and the underwater scenes really pop.  Even the stock footage shots only contain minimal grain.  The Blu-Ray 3D version is also included as a bonus, but I just wish Universal had added a good old-fashioned blue and red anaglyph 3D option, since I don’t have a 3D TV.

I SAW THE TV GLOW (2024) * ½

Owen (Justice Smith) and Maddy (Brigette Lundy-Paine) are two teenage social misfits who bond over their love of a kids show called The Pink Opaque.  When Maddy mysteriously disappears, it leaves the painfully awkward Owen to his own devices.  Years later, she returns and tells him she was actually in the show.  And I don’t mean “on” the show, but IN the show.  Now, she’s heading back and wants Owen to join her.  But… like… she’s got to be crazy… right?

There’s a good jumping off point somewhere in I Saw the TV Glow, but the filmmakers can never manage to follow through on its admittedly solid hook.  Writer/director Jane Schoenbrun gets points for the overall vibe as the nonstop bisexual lighting is cool and some scenes are dripping with atmosphere.  However, the film drags its feet so much that once it finally gets to where it’s going, it was pretty much all for naught, which is extremely frustrating to say the least. 

The problem with slow burn movies like this one is there’s got to be some sort of payoff to justify the sluggish pace.  If there’s going to be some big central mystery, you’ve got to give the audience at least a few breadcrumbs to work with.  You can’t get by with ambiguity for ambiguity’s sake for a hundred minutes and expect us to be with you when the ending doesn’t deliver.  You can’t hang your hat on a few moments of inexplicable weirdness without at least trying to bring it all together down the homestretch. 

The best parts come from the show The Pink Opaque itself.  Schoenbrun did a good job at recreating the look and feel of crappy ‘90s Nickelodeon shows, from the bad acting to the shoddy monsters and the cheesy special effects.  Sadly, the lore of the show is far more believable than the shit that happens in the movie.  Ultimately, I Saw the TV Glow doesn’t burn very bright at all.