SALEM’S LOT (2024) **

When it came to adapting Stephen King to the small screen, Tobe Hooper’s mini-series of Salem’s Lot provided the blueprint.  The 2004 remake is one of those deals where I only saw the first episode and for one reason or another, I never got around to finishing the rest of the mini-series, so I can’t speak to how that one was.  Now, here comes the third version of the tale, directed by Gary Dauberman, who wrote the new It movies. 

For a while, it looked like this was going to be one of those Batgirl deals as Warner Bros. let it sit on the shelf forever.  Now that it’s finally on Max, I have to say it looks perfectly at home on the small screen.  That’s a nice way of saying, “I would’ve been pissed if I paid $15 to see this in the theater.” 

The plot is basically the same.  A writer named Ben Mears (Lewis Pullman, son of Bill) returns to his small hometown in Maine.  Almost instantly, the place is plagued by a rash of deaths and disappearances.  It’s only a matter of time till he learns that the place is crawling with vampires. 

This version of Salem’s Lot isn’t awful.  It just feels like a skimpy first draft.  Everything comes way too easy for the characters.  When figuring out the mystery, they immediately jump to the right conclusions.  Not only that, but everyone believes the characters when they tell them vampires are real.  To make matters worse, the vamps roll over fairly easily.  I’m sure the slapdash plot was mostly due to condensing of the book into a feature length movie, but it leaves it feeling dramatically dead. 

The performances are a mix of bland (leading man Pullman) to flat-out terrible (Pilou Asbaek as the vampire’s familiar, Straker).  Only Alfre Woodard brings a hint of fun as the smalltown doctor who takes no shit. 

Most of the scenes suffer from comparison to the original, or the book for that matter.  The ending earns points for taking place at a drive-in, but it goes on a bit too long.  Ultimately, there’s just not a whole lot to like about this Lot. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SORORITY SLAUGHTER 2 (1996) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

With his dying breath, the psycho killer Hugo (Sal Longo) tells his bride Kim (Tina Krause) the secret of immortality.  Seems all she’s got to do is make three sacrifices to the god Radu and not only will she live forever, but she’ll have eternal beauty as well.  She then plans to sacrifice three sorority sisters during their initiation.  Eventually, other followers of Radu help her in her quest. 

You know, the original Sorority Slaughter was a cheap shot on video W.A.V.E. movie, but at least it felt like someone attempting to make a “real” film with a limited budget.  This one is basically an assemblage of scenes of sorority girls being bound, hazed, paddled, and sacrificed.  Essentially, it’s a bondage video with horror elements.  So, you know, it’s your typical W.A.V.E. picture. 

I kind of admire the film’s purity and rigidness when it comes to finding a formula and sticking with it.  However, at one-hundred-and-seven minutes, it’s a good forty-seven minutes too long.  (At least this one has a lot of T & A.)  Still, there’s a mixture of legitimately effective bits (the invisible monster attacks are surprisingly well done, given the budget) as well as some unintentionally hilarious moments (like Krause confessing to her boyfriend where she’s been the last three years) to keep you entertained. 

The usual cast of W.A.V.E. stock players make the patchy parts go down smoother.  Director Gary Whitson is pretty funny while stumbling over his lines as a detective on the case.  Krause is once again fun to watch and gets a lengthy sex scene.  Debbie D. is likewise engaging and has a long topless scene.  Laura Giglio is also amusing to watch during her extended paddling scene. 

It’s Deana Demko who gets the best line of the movie when she tells Debbie D.:  “You never sleep with a professor for a B.  It’s an A or nothing!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SORORITY GIRL MURDERER! (2012) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Seventeen years ago, three sorority sisters murdered a creepy neighbor after a prank went horribly wrong.  Now, a masked killer is on the loose killing the girls who got away Scot free. 

The first twenty minutes or so is a condensed version of Sorority Slaughter.  This isn’t a bad thing since Sorority Slaughter was plagued with too much padding to begin with.  It actually plays a lot better if I’m being completely honest.  Plus, the recycled footage hits all the highlights (like Tina Krause showering, Tina Krause having sex, and the iconic car wash/water fight sequence), so it’s hard to complain.  Also, this version runs a brisk fifty-four minutes, a good thirty-three minutes shorter than the original, which is appreciated. 

Sorority Girl Murderer! is kind of weird though.  That’s mostly because it’s a sequel to the first half of Sorority Slaughter.  It totally forgets that the creepy neighbor survived and exacted revenge on the girls by ripping their guts out.  (It also ignores Sorority Slaughter 2 completely.)  That film played like a shot on video version of Blood Feast.  This is more like a chloroform and bondage shot-on-video remake of I Know What You Did Last Summer.  So, you know, it’s a typical W.A.V.E. movie. 

The newly shot scenes feature a few new actresses, some of whom stare directly at the camera.  Since nearly all of them get naked for bondage scenes, I say it kind of added to the experience.  It’s also fun seeing the original W.A.V.E. starlets reprising their roles seventeen years later.  In that respect, it’s almost like a shot-on-video bondage version of Boyhood. 

As great as much of the film is, nothing can prepare you for the CGI sandworm attack.  I know that’s a big spoiler as this is probably the last movie you would expect to see a CGI sandworm attack.  Even though you now know about it, it’s still safe to say, nothing can prepare you for it.  It's certainly more fun than anything found in those new Dune movies.  Denis Villeneuve, eat your heart out. 

THE NAKED MONSTER (2005) **

The Naked Monster is a loving tribute to ‘50s monster movies made by fans for fans.  In the ‘50s, monsters attacked the world.  For years after, they have been silent.  Now, a new threat, a three-eyed green monster rises out of the sea to attack California.  A small-town sheriff and a government agent recruit the old timer Army captain (Kenneth Tobey) that fought the monsters back in the golden era to help bring down the beast. 

The Naked Monster uses a lot of stock footage from many B-movie favorites like The Thing from Another World, Revenge of the Creature, and The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms.  Even better, the stars of those old films like Tobey, John Agar, and Lori Nelson return playing essentially the same characters (slightly tweaked of course, to avoid a lawsuit).  Their efforts aren’t quite enough to make it worthwhile, but it’s nice to see them all again.

Production began way back in 1988, but it wasn’t finished until sixteen years later.  Because of that, it feels more than a little patchy.  Most of the time, it plays like someone’s home movie.  Since it was made by Ted Newsom, he was able to coax Brinke Stevens, Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer, and Forrest J. Ackerman to be in it.  Some of their footage was shot silently, and Newsom employs a great cost-cutting technique for one scene with Quigley where she and her boyfriend use sign language.  That’s one way to avoid paying for dubbing. 

Much of the intentional humor is unfunny and plays like a poor man’s version of a Zucker-Abrahms-Zucker parody.  Sadly, a little of this goes a long way.  It’s fun for a half-hour or so, but the charm wears off soon after.  It might’ve been bearable if the running time was only an hour.  However, at eighty-eight minutes, it’s sometimes a chore to sit through, mostly because it shoots its wad so early. 

At least its heart is in the right place.  Even though it never quite works, there are still fun moments like seeing Paul Marco from Plan 9 from Outer Space playing Kelton the cop again.  Stevens and Quigley have nude scenes too, which helps, and the scene where the monster fights Godzilla is pretty funny. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SORORITY SLAUGHTER (1994) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 1st, 2023)

Hugo (Sal Longo) is a creepy schlub who says, “Be it zombie or vampire, the eternal urge to live forever is the dream of mankind!”  He then goes out and strangles a jogger (Dean Demko) and hacks her up.  Hugo just so happens to live next door to a bunch of sorority girls who are spending their spring break at home.  When a prank goes wrong, the girls think they’ve accidentally killed Hugo.  Little do the sorority sisters know, he’s an immortal killer who likes sacrificing women on his altar.  

Sorority Slaughter is kinda like the South Jersey version of House on Sorority Row.  Despite the low budget trappings inherent in a W.A.V.E. Production, directors Gary Whitson and Sal Longo still find ways to wring genuine suspense and even a surprise or two.  I liked the opening scene where a victim is watching a W.A.V.E. movie on TV while the killer lurks in the background.  Then, we hear a scream, and the audience thinks she’s just become a victim, but it’s really coming from the TV.  THEN the killer strikes.  Sure, it’s not John Carpenter or anything, but it’s kinda effective for a low budget, shot-on-video horror flick.  Whitson and Longo also give us a great toilet POV shot when Tina Krause blows chunks.  

Moments like that work.  Eventually, Sorority Slaughter reveals its true purpose:  Long scenes of sorority girls horseplaying in the pool, extended water fights that erupt while washing a car (complete with Keystone Kops music), and scenes of sorority girls getting slaughtered (natch).  W.A.V.E. movies are essentially bondage fetish videos parading as horror films, so it’s always amusing once they start showing their skeevier side.  They’re almost like an AI version of a snuff film.  Some of these scenes go on forever, and sometimes, you start to question what you’re watching.  However, is it really a W.A.V.E. movie if you haven’t asked yourself, “Okay, what am I watching?”

Despite the gnarly and grungy aspects of the film, it’s strangely chaste.  Nudity in the shower scenes is either strategically out of frame or obscured by the opaque shower curtain.  When the guys score with the sorority sisters, they either leave their underwear on or seem unable to get past second base.  In fact, there’s no nudity here, unless you count butt shots and wet T-shirts.  The kill scenes are kind of repetitive too, although I guess if you have a fetish for seeing women faint, being carried off like Julie Adams in The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and then having her guts pulled out, you’d be inclined to give it Four Stars no matter what.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SUSPIRIA (1977) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 19th, 2007)

Jessica (Shock Treatment) Harper stars as Suzy Bannion, a young girl attending a mysterious dance school that’s ran by an old woman whose snoring frightens everybody. (Who knew sleep apnea could be so terrifying?) The teachers drug Suzy with tainted wine to keep her from snooping around, but after her friends start dropping like flies, Suzy dumps the wine and searches for the truth. In the end she learns that the school is ran by a coven of witches led by “The Black Queen” and sticks a needle through the old bag’s throat.

Suspiria is Dario Argento’s masterpiece. Although flawed and slow in some spots; the sequences of terror-inducing tension are undeniably some of the best ever captured on film. The first murder has to be the Italian equivalent to the shower scene in Psycho. A young girl gets repeatedly stabbed (once directly into the heart) and falls through a stained-glass window where she is hung up by the neck. Her unfortunate friend also feels the brunt of the glass when it comes crashing down onto her. Next a blind piano player gets his throat savagely ripped out by his seeing-eye dog. And finally, there’s an incredible death where a girl falls into a room full of razor wire.

Argento bathes the film in rich primary colors and his gorgeous compositions compliments the escalating suspense. This is Argento at his best and any horror fan worth his salt should own a copy and watch it again and again. This was the first in Argento’s “Three Mothers” trilogy, with the next film being Inferno.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

Nobody does it like Dario Argento.  End of story.  Part blood-soaked fairy tale, part waking nightmare, this is about as good as it gets when we are talking Italian horror, folks. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Suspiria is Dario Argento’s most beautiful cinematic nightmare, and it looks even more nightmarish in stunning 4K.  Synapse did a marvelous job as the color palette, which was already so lush to begin with, really pops.  From the opening taxi ride to the big murder set piece that kicks off the film to the deep reds in the makeshift dorm scene to the horror of the razor wire room to the final confrontation with the Black Queen, this presentation really is a thing of beauty.  The pulsating Goblin soundtrack slaps even harder now too.  In short, this is a must-own for your 4K collection. 

13 STEPS OF MAKI: THE YOUNG ARISTOCRATS (1975) ***

Remember the old days when villains would tie damsels in distress to the railroad tracks?  Those guys always tied the women to the tracks lengthwise.  The lethal ladies of 13 Steps of Maki:  The Young Aristocrats tie women to the railroad tracks right down the middle of the tracks, SPREAD EAGLE no less!  Now that’s what I call cinematic innovation! 

Also, instead of some bland dude in a white hat saving the day, it’s a bad ass Kung Fu chick with a “13” on her T-shirt named Maki (Etsuko Shihomi from Sister Street Fighter).  When she kicks ass, look out!  She even does a Three Stooges-inspired eye poke that blinds her opponent.  Brilliant! 

Maki is the leader of the tough all-girl gang, The Wildcats.  When a rich bitch insults them, they get back at her by forcibly giving her a tattoo.  She then retaliates by having them sent to jail.  When an unscrupulous gangster has his men cripple her boyfriend, she reluctantly turns to Maki for help. 

Part Juvenile Delinquent movie, part Women in Prison picture, part Kung Fu flick, 13 Steps of Maki:  The Young Aristocrats has a little something for everybody.  Because of the constant genre hopping, the pacing does become a bit herky-jerky at times, even if the running time is a relatively scant seventy-eight minutes.  There’s also maybe too many side characters and subplots.  However, it’s hard to complain, especially when Shihomi’s Sister Streetfighter co-star Sonny Chiba shows up late in the game for an extended cameo. 

The fun fight sequences take place at a strip club (on stage no less!), in a drained swimming pool, in prison, in the snow, and at a wedding!  In addition to women being tied to railroad tracks, there’s also a great scene where they are tied nude to a merry go-round.  The gore is solid too as eyeballs, ears, and teeth are knocked out during the brutal fights.  All in all, it’s a real winner. 

AKA:  Young Nobility:  Maki’s 13 Steps.