THE KINDRED (1987) *** ½

We have all heard of Chekhov’s Gun which states if a gun is introduced in the first act it must be fired before the end of the movie.  The Kindred introduces a new addition to the theory:  Chekhov’s Watermelon.  This principle states that if you feature excessive shots of a watermelon in the first act, a slimy tentacle monster must burst out of it at some point in the film. 

Kim Hunter is a scientist who dies of a heart attack and leaves her house to her son, David Allen Brooks.  Soon after, he brings all his scientist crony friends to the place to continue his mother’s experiments.  From there, it doesn’t take long before he comes face to face with his “brother”, a mutant octopus baby that’s ready to tear through the group like an All You Can Eat Buffet. 

Helmed by the directing team of Stephen Carpenter and Jeffrey Obrow (The Dorm That Dripped Blood), The Kindred is a good old fashioned ‘80s shocker.  It’s filled with mutant babies, tentacle attacks, fish people transformations, and thousands of gallons of goo, slime, and glop being tossed around.  The special effects are slimy and effective.  The monster is very cool, and the way the creature burrows its appendages into its victims will get under your skin (and theirs).  The screenplay (which was co-written by Psycho’s Joseph Stefano) is full of surprises as you’re never quite sure where the monster will strike (or look like) next. 

Brooks is a solid leading man for this sort of thing and Talia Balsam (daughter of Martin and ex-wife of George Clooney) makes for a fine Final Girl.  I also enjoyed Amanda (Leviathan) Pays’ performance as a sexy British scientist who’s keeping a pretty wild secret.  It’s Rod Steiger (sporting a terrible wig) who takes the acting honors as an evil rival who comes snooping around the house.  If you’re the kind of person who loves seeing former Oscar winners having buckets of KY Jelly dumped on them, then you and The Kindred will be kindred spirits. 

AKA:  Anthony.

KRAVEN THE HUNTER (2024) ** ½

Here’s yet another attempt by Sony to drain every last dime they can from their Spider-Man adjacent properties.  Thanks to the diminishing returns of Morbius, Madame Web, and now Kraven the Hunter, my Spider-Sense tells me this may be their last pseudo-Spidey venture for a while. 

Like the other live-action Sony Spider-Verse movies, the filmmakers take a traditional Marvel villain and spin them into more of an antihero.  This one makes the most sense as they take Kraven, a man known for hunting big game in the comics and flip the script, so he now defends wildlife from illegal poachers and big game hunters.  While it’s not the worst rewrite in the world, the whole thing just feels like it was made from a financial necessity rather than an artistic one. 

Kraven (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) is the son of a slimy Russian gangster (Russell Crowe).  As a boy, he was mauled by a lion and thanks to a drop of supernatural lion blood and a bit of black magic, he gained heightened animalistic senses, strength, and cunning.  Kraven sets out to stop and kill a group of hunters who are part of an international crime syndicate.  Naturally, they make a big mistake when they kidnap Kraven’s brother. 

Say what you will about Venom:  The Last Dance, but at least it was short.  (It was only ninety minutes if you didn’t count the credits and post-credits scenes).  This one clocks in at over two hours, and it has a hard time justifying the overlength. The flashback of Kraven’s origin story is particularly longwinded. 

Fortunately, all this is at least moderately entertaining whenever it does find its footing.  It's also more competently put together than either Morbius or Madame Web.  That’s a low bar to be sure, but I think that comes from having a real director (A Most Violent Year’s J.C. Chandor) at the helm.  The R rating means it’s at least bloodier than either of those movies too. 

Taylor-Johnson equips himself well enough in the role.  He’s younger than his comics counterpart, but he carries his air of arrogance and swagger as much as could be expected.  While Crowe stops short of chewing the scenery, he injects a little bit of life into the film whenever he shows up.  Alessandro Nivola is fine as the main villain, The Rhino, but the fact that he wears a backpack that turns him into a monster is cheesy as fuck. 

VENOM: THE LAST DANCE (2024) **

Tom Hardy returns for this third and presumably final go around as Eddie Brock, the host to everybody’s favorite symbiotic superhero, Venom.  This time, Eddie’s on his way to New York when he learns symbiote hunters (giant CGI cockroaches) are coming to Earth to kill him.  Also tracking him is a group of scientists who want to study Venom. It all leads to the final showdown at Area 51. 

The first Venom was better than it had any right to be.  The second one was fun, but the formula was already showing some signs of wear and tear.  With The Last Dance, it feels like the wheels are starting to really come off.  Hardy is game for anything, and remains as spry as ever, which helps somewhat.  It’s just that the movie he inhabits is tired and half baked.  There are some good individual scenes too, like when Venom busts up an illegal dogfighting ring or possesses a horse or cuts a rug to “Dancing Queen”.  It’s just a shame that they feel more like footnotes than highlights. 

Maybe the problem was with the director, Kelly Marcel, who was making her directing debut.  She wrote all three films in the series, so you would think the writing would at least be sharp, even if the direction was lackluster (which it is).  However, the script is just as uninspired as the direction.  As a result, this is by far the weakest entry in the franchise.  If this was indeed meant to be a trilogy capper, it sure seems like an odd way to go about it as the whole thing feels like everyone involved was just making it up as they went along. 

Michelle Williams’ absence is sorely felt this time around and the new supporting cast is mostly wasted.  Chiwetel Eiiofor is grumpy as the solider tracking Venom and Juno Temple is woefully underutilized as a scientist in Area 51.  The second movie’s director, Andy Serkis also appears as an alien baddie, but we don’t see a whole lot of him, so he winds up not making much of an impact.  As uneven as the last one was, at least it had a strong central villain in the form of Carnage.  Since Serkis spends all his time on his throne moping, all we really have are a bunch of generic monsters to tide us over.  They aren’t even well designed either as they just look like variations on the pit monsters from Attack of the Clones. 

Bottom Line:  Even people who enjoyed the first two Venom movies may want to sit The Last Dance out. 

TRAP (2024) **

As you all are probably well aware, I am not the world’s biggest M. Night Shyamalan fan.  However, like the rat that keeps receiving electric shocks every time he goes to take the cheese, I keep at it, hoping for some cheesy goodness and only receiving pain for my troubles.  I will say this one isn’t so terribly bad, which isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement to be sure.  It’s just that when it goes off the rails, it crashes and burns so badly that it essentially nullifies the solid moments that occurred before everything turned to shit.

Josh Hartnett is taking his kid to a concert.  Eventually, he learns the arena is slowly being surrounded by cops and FBI agents who are hoping to trap a serial killer named “The Butcher”.  Since he is in actuality, said serial killer, he looks for any way to escape, without hopefully ruining his daughter’s night. 

The set-up is kind of fun if you don’t think about it too much.  I mean, the cops’ big plan is to lock down an entire arena full of tens of thousands of people in hopes of finding one nondescript white dude?  Come on. 

Most of the amusement comes from the squirrelly way Hartnett tries to outsmart the cops.  Using his serial killer charm and good looks, he’s able to gain access to unauthorized areas just by being a nice guy.  The smug look on his face when he gets one over on vendors, policemen, and stagehands who allow him to roam free inside the building is often good for a laugh. 

This is probably Hartnett’s best performance.  He isn’t exactly known for being the most expressive actor in the world, but that suits him nicely here.  His banal personality is just right for a serial killer who is trying to act like a normal guy.  His little eyebrow raises suggest something sinister lurking just beneath the surface and the look of panic on his face when he feels the cops getting closer is just expressive enough to let the audience know he knows he’s in trouble, but not enough to alert the other characters.  

It was also nice to see Hayley (That Darn Cat!) Mills in this.  She plays the FBI profiler trying to capture the loving father/serial killer.  I guess if anyone could set a parent trap, it’s Hayley Mills.

The way Shyamalan forces himself on the audience in his gratuitous cameos always seems to take me out of his movies.  He has another cameo here, but it’s not nearly as egregious as the role he gave his daughter, Saleka Night Shyamalan.  She plays the pop singer at the concert, and so much screen time is given to her performances that I have to wonder if M. Night made this as a vehicle for her first and foremost and then worked the serial killer plot around the music numbers. Either way, the gratuitous nepo baby energy takes something out of the film’s sails.  (It wouldn’t have been so egregious if she didn’t have her own credit, “Original Songs Written, Produced and Performed by Saleka Night Shyamalan” in the opening credits sequence.)

Had the film remained at the arena, it might’ve been a nice little cat and mouse thriller.  It’s in the third act where things really shit the bed once the action shifts to the city.  Unfortunately, this is also the stretch of the film where it stops being a vehicle for Shyamalan’s kid’s music career and becomes a showcase for her acting ability (or more accurately, her lack thereof).  I may have been able to excuse the gratuitous way he shoehorned her music into the movie.  It just really becomes hard to take when he tries to make her the heroine of the piece late in the game.  If Shyamalan was content to let Hartnett do his thing, Trap may have worked.  It’s when it turns into a blatant vehicle for his daughter that it comes to a crashing halt.  

COMPANION (2025) ****

First time writer/director Drew Hancock comes right out of the gate with a certified all-time banger with the twisty, razor sharp, ferociously funny, and just plain damned entertaining Companion.  Do yourself a favor and avoid all the trailers and go in as cold and as fresh and possible.  The less you know, the better off you are as the way Hancock slowly parcels out his story beats is one of the many joys of the film. 

I’ll paint the set-up in the broadest of strokes.  Josh (Jack Quaid) brings his girlfriend Iris (Sophie Thatcher) to a secluded house in the woods for a weekend getaway with some friends.  She’s afraid they won’t like her.  He assures her everything will be fine.  Iris soon proves to be a perfect houseguest and a perfect girlfriend.  Maybe too perfect. 

I’ll stop right there.  The way Hancock pulls the strings is masterful not only in terms of story structure, but also in the way he doles out the various plot twists and character arcs.  The writing is so good that you may overlook some of his directorial flairs too.  One thing is for sure, he is capable of delivering some genuine shocks.  We’ve seen a lot of “Cabin in the Woods” scenarios in horror films before, but nothing quite like this. 

The acting is aces all around.  Thatcher has been slowly but steadily become a horror It Girl to watch, and she solidifies her standing with a knockout performance.  You truly feel for Iris every step of the way as she displays a rollercoaster of emotions and then some.  Needless to say, when she finally turns the tables on her tormentors, it’s standing ovation time.  Quaid is equally excellent as her boyfriend who starts out as bland and vanilla as you can get.  However, it seems like every time he opens his mouth, he reveals himself to be more and more of an unlikeable douche.  It’s quite a marriage of clever scripting and intuitive performance as his gradual departure from decency is one of the best things about the movie.  What We Do in the Shadows’ Harvey Guillen rounds out the cast as a lovable gregarious houseguest who may have a secret or two of his own. 

In short, Companion is a modern classic. 

THE BEST MAN (2023) **

Luke Wilson stars as Cal, a former Special Forces soldier who is about to marry Brook (Nicky Whelan).  He asks his second in command, Bradley (Brendan Fehr) to be his best man and invites his crotchety team member Anders (Dolph Lundgren) to the wedding as well.  The big day arrives, and the guests gather at a luxurious mountain resort.  Too bad a team of mercenaries show up, crash the wedding, and take the father of the bride hostage.  It’s then up to Cal, Bradley, and Anders to save the date… er… day. 

So, it’s basically Die Hard at a wedding. 

The ascension of Luke Wilson as a DTV action movie stalwart has been an odd thing to witness in the past few years.  He was so funny and charming in all those early Wes Anderson movies.  Nowadays, he’s making by the numbers stuff like this.  He still has a slight, quirky air about him, but it’s not enough to inject life into the movie.  Fehr fares decently enough as the title character.  He looks so much like Wilson that I’m surprised they just didn’t go ahead and make them brothers.  Scout Taylor-Compton (from the Rob Zombie Halloween movies) is also pretty good as Whelan’s sister and maid of honor, who essentially has the Erika Eleniak/Under Siege role of the hot chick who follows the hero around. 

Dolph manages to make the most of his screen time.  Whether he’s getting sloshed with the father of the bride or flirting with the heavily tattooed piano player, his charm is front and center.  He does however seem to be limping throughout (which was even more noticeable in A Wanted Man) and used an obvious double for at least one of his major fight scenes. 

As far as Die Hard clones go, I’d say this is about middle of the pack.  It does have a novel location for this sort of thing, although it never really takes advantage of it.  While the set-up is briskly handled, the follow-through is generic and a tad plodding for the most part.  The action also leaves something to be desired as the various shootouts and fight scenes are brief and mostly relegated to the third act.  I’m also not sure why it’s called “The Best Man” because Wilson, Fehr, and Lundgren are essentially co-leads and do an equal share of the heavy lifting.  

While it’s not bad by any stretch of the imagination, if you’re looking for an entertaining Die Hard rip-off, you can do a lot better than The Best Man. 

DISCLOSURE (1994) **

Disclosure was the third installment of a loose trilogy of films where Michael Douglas gets in trouble by thinking with his dick.  (Fatal Attraction and Basic Instinct being the other two.)  At least in this one he does his best not to think with the little head.  Even though he tries to resist his basic instincts, he still winds up in hot water. 

Douglas plays Tom, a worker at a tech company who is passed over for a promotion.  His boss (Donald Sutherland) gives the job to the young and sexy Meredith (Demi Moore).  Since she and Tom used to be an item, Meredith invites him up to her office after hours for some wine to celebrate and catch up on old times.  She tries her best to seduce him, and when Tom rebuffs her advances, Meredith claims he sexually assaulted her and sets out to ruin his life. 

This was based on a novel by Michael Crichton, and it was made at a time when Hollywood was busy adapting a lot of his stuff.  (Jurassic Park just came out the year before.)  I never read the book, but as far as the movie goes, it’s more convincing when it’s focusing on the backstabbing politics of tech companies than portraying how men and women really interact.  Even by ‘94’s standards the whole “shoe is on the other foot” argument of women being predators in the workplace felt hollow and gimmicky.  Barry Levinson’s slick but mundane direction also helps to keep the audience at length from the material. 

A fine movie on the subject of sexual harassment in the workplace could’ve been made with this cast and director.  Sadly, it just becomes a jumping off point to a lame corporate intrigue plot line, one that gets kind of loopy the longer it goes on.  The dated high-tech concepts of virtual reality and email are good for some laughs now though.  The scene where Douglas is in a VR version of cyberspace and is menaced by a hilariously awful looking digitized avatar of Moore is ten pounds of stupid in a five-pound bag.  Even funnier is the moments where there is a shot of a computer and the score slides into this computer-y “Boop, Beep, Boop” sort of noise as if to say, “TECHNOLOGY!”  (It’s kind of sad that the music was by none other than Ennio Morricone!)

Moore is good as the icy cold temptress, but I honestly have to say Douglas has been better.  Some of his dialogue scenes are reminiscent of a Lifetime movie, and you just never really buy him as a victim.  Maybe a put upon Everyman just isn’t in his wheelhouse.  This was also made at the time when Dennis Miller was popping up in every movie.  Unfortunately, he seems reined in here as he doesn’t get to go off on any of his patented pop culture-fueled rants.