LASH LA RUE: A MAN AND HIS MEMORIES: FRIENDSHIP LASTS FOREVER (1992) **

Back in the early days of westerns, famous cowboy star Lash La Rue was the “King of the Bullwhip” (long before Indiana Jones made it fashionable).  Since he also appeared in a handful of the Ormond family’s films, he was able to get Tim Ormond to direct this look back at his life and career. 

Let’s face it, this is a fluff piece/vanity project.  It’s also just this side of professional looking as it often resembles a public access TV show.  However, if you’re a fan of Lash or the Ormonds in general, it will go down a lot smoother.  I mean, what kind of a director but a longtime friend of the family would let La Rue read his poetry on camera?  It’s that level of oddness that makes this an Ormond joint through and through.  (Lash talks a little about God and stuff at the end, which also fits right in with the Ormond’s later religious pictures.)

Throughout the interview, Lash reminisces about Hollywood, his old sidekick Fuzzy St. John, learning how to use his trademark bullwhip, and his trusty horse, Diamond.  Of course, there are also plenty of clips from his movies.  (Mostly his westerns, but also some of his work for the Ormonds like Please Don’t Touch Me and A Tribute to Houdini.)  There’s also a look at his “video comics”, which are kind of ahead of their time.  Tim’s mother, June Carr Ormond is also interviewed and appears in clips from the La Rue oater, Son of Billy the Kid, which was written by her husband, Ron.  (She even has her own standalone interview segment near the end of the film where she talks about marrying Ron, making dinner for Bela Lugosi, and even some of her movies.)

It has not one, but two subtitles, A Man and His Memories and Friendship Lasts Forever.  A real documentarian would’ve probably picked one or the other.  Again, it’s oddball touches like that that has made wading through the Ormond family Blu Ray box set so much fun. 

AKA:  Lash La Rue:  A Man and His Memories.  AKA:  Lash La Rue:  Friendship Lasts Forever.  AKA:  Lash La Rue:  Friendship Lasts Forever Vol. 1.

A TRIBUTE TO HOUDINI (1987) **

Ron (The Monster and the Stripper) Ormond’s son, Tim directed this hour-long oddity which is more or less a fluff piece on magician John Calvert.  After a brief (and very ‘80s) title sequence, there’s a montage of images of Houdini.  Then Calvert shows up in a museum of magic performing escape artist tricks for two cops.  Later, he drives a speedboat and even flies a plane with his eyes duct taped shut. 

Halfway through, it switches gears and becomes a filmed performance of one of Calvert’s stage shows.  The best part is a Frankenstein-inspired gag where Calvert cuts a guy’s head off with a buzzsaw!  For the most part though, the tricks are kind of lame.  At least he has a bevy of beautiful magician assistants who are all easy on the eyes, which helps a bit. 

If you like dated magic acts, you may enjoy it.  The title is a bit misleading though as its focus is on Calvert and Houdini is mostly just mentioned in passing.  The film does suffer from a sharp drop in picture quality as it goes from being shot on film to shot on video for some sequences.  The filmed bits are more fun, even if they look phony and staged.  (The scene where he hypnotizes a cop looks like something out of a horror movie.)  You also have to sit through long archival footage of Calvert performing magic on the Red Skelton Show where he saws Red in half. 

While this may seem at first like an odd thing for Tim to make, it makes sense when you realize Ormond is merely continuing the family legacy of filming stage acts like Varieties on Parade and Forty Acre Feud.  Not to mention the family’s long-running interest in hypnotism, as seen in Please Don’t Touch Me.  Also, Calvert appeared in a couple of the Ormond’s films, so Tim was probably helping out a family pal when he agreed to direct this.  (Ormond family friend Lash La Rue also appears for a filmed segment.)

THE 18TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

Okay folks, I finally got caught up on watching (most) of the 2024 releases, so now I feel content on announcing the nominees for the 18th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  This was a terrific year overall in terms of acting, horror, and action, so the competition is going to be as fierce as it’s ever been.  I plan to announce the winners sometime before that OTHER big awards ceremony happens.  Till then, here are your nominees for this year’s Video Vacuum Awards:

BEST MOVIE

The Beekeeper

The First Omen

Smile 2

Speak No Evil

The Substance

WORST MOVIE

In a Violent Nature

I Saw the TV Glow

The Killer

Longlegs

The Mouse Trap

BEST DIRECTOR

David Ayer for The Beekeeper

Coralie Fargeat for The Substance

Parker Finn for Smile 2

Arkasha Stevenson for The First Omen

James Watkins for Speak No Evil

BEST ACTOR

Ryan Gosling in The Fall Guy

James McAvoy in Speak No Evil

Dennis Quaid in The Substance

Jason Statham in The Beekeeper

Denzel Washington in Gladiator II

BEST ACTRESS

Nell Tiger Free in The First Omen

Demi Moore in The Substance

Margaret Qualley in The Substance

Naomi Scott in Smile 2

Sydney Sweeney in Immaculate

BEST ACTION MOVIE

The Beekeeper

The Fall Guy

Furiosa:  A Mad Max Saga

Gladiator II

Road House

BEST HORROR MOVIE

The First Omen

Smile 2

Speak No Evil

The Substance

Terrifier 3

WORST HORROR MOVIE

In a Violent Nature

I Saw the TV Glow

Longlegs

The Mouse Trap

Stream

WORST REMAKE

The Killer

Nosferatu

Possession:  Kerasuken

Salem’s Lot

The Strangers:  Chapter 1

BEST SEQUEL/PREQUEL

The First Omen

Gladiator II

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

Smile 2

Terrifier 3

WORST SEQUEL/PREQUEL

Alien:  Romulus

Beverly Hills Cop:  Axel F

The Strangers:  Chapter 1

Twisters

Venom:  The Last Dance

Stay tuned!  The winners will be announced in the next two weeks or so!

THE KINDRED (1987) *** ½

We have all heard of Chekhov’s Gun which states if a gun is introduced in the first act it must be fired before the end of the movie.  The Kindred introduces a new addition to the theory:  Chekhov’s Watermelon.  This principle states that if you feature excessive shots of a watermelon in the first act, a slimy tentacle monster must burst out of it at some point in the film. 

Kim Hunter is a scientist who dies of a heart attack and leaves her house to her son, David Allen Brooks.  Soon after, he brings all his scientist crony friends to the place to continue his mother’s experiments.  From there, it doesn’t take long before he comes face to face with his “brother”, a mutant octopus baby that’s ready to tear through the group like an All You Can Eat Buffet. 

Helmed by the directing team of Stephen Carpenter and Jeffrey Obrow (The Dorm That Dripped Blood), The Kindred is a good old fashioned ‘80s shocker.  It’s filled with mutant babies, tentacle attacks, fish people transformations, and thousands of gallons of goo, slime, and glop being tossed around.  The special effects are slimy and effective.  The monster is very cool, and the way the creature burrows its appendages into its victims will get under your skin (and theirs).  The screenplay (which was co-written by Psycho’s Joseph Stefano) is full of surprises as you’re never quite sure where the monster will strike (or look like) next. 

Brooks is a solid leading man for this sort of thing and Talia Balsam (daughter of Martin and ex-wife of George Clooney) makes for a fine Final Girl.  I also enjoyed Amanda (Leviathan) Pays’ performance as a sexy British scientist who’s keeping a pretty wild secret.  It’s Rod Steiger (sporting a terrible wig) who takes the acting honors as an evil rival who comes snooping around the house.  If you’re the kind of person who loves seeing former Oscar winners having buckets of KY Jelly dumped on them, then you and The Kindred will be kindred spirits. 

AKA:  Anthony.

KRAVEN THE HUNTER (2024) ** ½

Here’s yet another attempt by Sony to drain every last dime they can from their Spider-Man adjacent properties.  Thanks to the diminishing returns of Morbius, Madame Web, and now Kraven the Hunter, my Spider-Sense tells me this may be their last pseudo-Spidey venture for a while. 

Like the other live-action Sony Spider-Verse movies, the filmmakers take a traditional Marvel villain and spin them into more of an antihero.  This one makes the most sense as they take Kraven, a man known for hunting big game in the comics and flip the script, so he now defends wildlife from illegal poachers and big game hunters.  While it’s not the worst rewrite in the world, the whole thing just feels like it was made from a financial necessity rather than an artistic one. 

Kraven (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) is the son of a slimy Russian gangster (Russell Crowe).  As a boy, he was mauled by a lion and thanks to a drop of supernatural lion blood and a bit of black magic, he gained heightened animalistic senses, strength, and cunning.  Kraven sets out to stop and kill a group of hunters who are part of an international crime syndicate.  Naturally, they make a big mistake when they kidnap Kraven’s brother. 

Say what you will about Venom:  The Last Dance, but at least it was short.  (It was only ninety minutes if you didn’t count the credits and post-credits scenes).  This one clocks in at over two hours, and it has a hard time justifying the overlength. The flashback of Kraven’s origin story is particularly longwinded. 

Fortunately, all this is at least moderately entertaining whenever it does find its footing.  It's also more competently put together than either Morbius or Madame Web.  That’s a low bar to be sure, but I think that comes from having a real director (A Most Violent Year’s J.C. Chandor) at the helm.  The R rating means it’s at least bloodier than either of those movies too. 

Taylor-Johnson equips himself well enough in the role.  He’s younger than his comics counterpart, but he carries his air of arrogance and swagger as much as could be expected.  While Crowe stops short of chewing the scenery, he injects a little bit of life into the film whenever he shows up.  Alessandro Nivola is fine as the main villain, The Rhino, but the fact that he wears a backpack that turns him into a monster is cheesy as fuck. 

VENOM: THE LAST DANCE (2024) **

Tom Hardy returns for this third and presumably final go around as Eddie Brock, the host to everybody’s favorite symbiotic superhero, Venom.  This time, Eddie’s on his way to New York when he learns symbiote hunters (giant CGI cockroaches) are coming to Earth to kill him.  Also tracking him is a group of scientists who want to study Venom. It all leads to the final showdown at Area 51. 

The first Venom was better than it had any right to be.  The second one was fun, but the formula was already showing some signs of wear and tear.  With The Last Dance, it feels like the wheels are starting to really come off.  Hardy is game for anything, and remains as spry as ever, which helps somewhat.  It’s just that the movie he inhabits is tired and half baked.  There are some good individual scenes too, like when Venom busts up an illegal dogfighting ring or possesses a horse or cuts a rug to “Dancing Queen”.  It’s just a shame that they feel more like footnotes than highlights. 

Maybe the problem was with the director, Kelly Marcel, who was making her directing debut.  She wrote all three films in the series, so you would think the writing would at least be sharp, even if the direction was lackluster (which it is).  However, the script is just as uninspired as the direction.  As a result, this is by far the weakest entry in the franchise.  If this was indeed meant to be a trilogy capper, it sure seems like an odd way to go about it as the whole thing feels like everyone involved was just making it up as they went along. 

Michelle Williams’ absence is sorely felt this time around and the new supporting cast is mostly wasted.  Chiwetel Eiiofor is grumpy as the solider tracking Venom and Juno Temple is woefully underutilized as a scientist in Area 51.  The second movie’s director, Andy Serkis also appears as an alien baddie, but we don’t see a whole lot of him, so he winds up not making much of an impact.  As uneven as the last one was, at least it had a strong central villain in the form of Carnage.  Since Serkis spends all his time on his throne moping, all we really have are a bunch of generic monsters to tide us over.  They aren’t even well designed either as they just look like variations on the pit monsters from Attack of the Clones. 

Bottom Line:  Even people who enjoyed the first two Venom movies may want to sit The Last Dance out. 

TRAP (2024) **

As you all are probably well aware, I am not the world’s biggest M. Night Shyamalan fan.  However, like the rat that keeps receiving electric shocks every time he goes to take the cheese, I keep at it, hoping for some cheesy goodness and only receiving pain for my troubles.  I will say this one isn’t so terribly bad, which isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement to be sure.  It’s just that when it goes off the rails, it crashes and burns so badly that it essentially nullifies the solid moments that occurred before everything turned to shit.

Josh Hartnett is taking his kid to a concert.  Eventually, he learns the arena is slowly being surrounded by cops and FBI agents who are hoping to trap a serial killer named “The Butcher”.  Since he is in actuality, said serial killer, he looks for any way to escape, without hopefully ruining his daughter’s night. 

The set-up is kind of fun if you don’t think about it too much.  I mean, the cops’ big plan is to lock down an entire arena full of tens of thousands of people in hopes of finding one nondescript white dude?  Come on. 

Most of the amusement comes from the squirrelly way Hartnett tries to outsmart the cops.  Using his serial killer charm and good looks, he’s able to gain access to unauthorized areas just by being a nice guy.  The smug look on his face when he gets one over on vendors, policemen, and stagehands who allow him to roam free inside the building is often good for a laugh. 

This is probably Hartnett’s best performance.  He isn’t exactly known for being the most expressive actor in the world, but that suits him nicely here.  His banal personality is just right for a serial killer who is trying to act like a normal guy.  His little eyebrow raises suggest something sinister lurking just beneath the surface and the look of panic on his face when he feels the cops getting closer is just expressive enough to let the audience know he knows he’s in trouble, but not enough to alert the other characters.  

It was also nice to see Hayley (That Darn Cat!) Mills in this.  She plays the FBI profiler trying to capture the loving father/serial killer.  I guess if anyone could set a parent trap, it’s Hayley Mills.

The way Shyamalan forces himself on the audience in his gratuitous cameos always seems to take me out of his movies.  He has another cameo here, but it’s not nearly as egregious as the role he gave his daughter, Saleka Night Shyamalan.  She plays the pop singer at the concert, and so much screen time is given to her performances that I have to wonder if M. Night made this as a vehicle for her first and foremost and then worked the serial killer plot around the music numbers. Either way, the gratuitous nepo baby energy takes something out of the film’s sails.  (It wouldn’t have been so egregious if she didn’t have her own credit, “Original Songs Written, Produced and Performed by Saleka Night Shyamalan” in the opening credits sequence.)

Had the film remained at the arena, it might’ve been a nice little cat and mouse thriller.  It’s in the third act where things really shit the bed once the action shifts to the city.  Unfortunately, this is also the stretch of the film where it stops being a vehicle for Shyamalan’s kid’s music career and becomes a showcase for her acting ability (or more accurately, her lack thereof).  I may have been able to excuse the gratuitous way he shoehorned her music into the movie.  It just really becomes hard to take when he tries to make her the heroine of the piece late in the game.  If Shyamalan was content to let Hartnett do his thing, Trap may have worked.  It’s when it turns into a blatant vehicle for his daughter that it comes to a crashing halt.