THE BIKINI OPEN (1990) **

Bikini contests are an American tradition.  They’re as American as baseball or apple pie.  Although The Bikini Open showcases lots of footage of bikini clad babes from around the country, the presentation itself leaves something to be desired. 

The first competition is the Hawaiian Tropic contest in Daytona Beach, Florida.  It almost seems like paid programming for the company as they Interview with the owner who rubs elbows with the contestants.  But what a product!  Next up is Westhampton, New York.  In the interest of equality, we are forced to sit through a men’s competition before getting to the girls (which unfortunately is a running theme throughout the movie).  Then, it’s back to Florida, this time in Clearwater.  Unfortunately, it seems like it spends more time interviewing the judges than the contestants.  Fort Lauderdale is next.  This segment is ruined by footage of fat dudes participating in a belly flop contest before the bikini girls come out.  

Then, it’s off to my neck of the woods:  Ocean City, Maryland!  This segment is plagued by a men’s competition and even a kids’ contest (!?!?), but at least there are multiple ladies’ competitions.  It was cool for me to see some local celebrities like DJ Batman and The Hitman as emcees, and the bikini fitting at Body Double Swimwear is neat (even if it goes on too long).  For me, it was like a walk down memory lane.  Others may not be as impressed.

Then, it’s off to Rhode Island where we unfortunately have to sit through more male contests (accompanied by lane comic sound effects) before heading to Anaheim, California.  I liked the Anaheim contest because there’s a stripping component involved.  (One memorable contestant does a striptease out of a wedding dress.)  It’s also cool seeing Andy Sidaris star and Playboy Playmate Hope Marie Carlton win the contest too. 

Speaking of winners, they all have a brief interview segment accompanied by shots of them walking on the beach in their (what else?) bikini.  These moments are among the best in the movie as the editing is relatively chill compared to the other scenes.  These interviews are occasionally enlightening.  (“Sometimes, I wish they knew I had a brain!”)  The interviews with the spectators are decidedly less so.  (More than one says, “I feel sorry for the judges!”) 

It’s hard to screw up hot girls in bikinis, but The Bikini Open certainly tries its darnedest.  The problem is that the contests themselves are overedited and you barely have time to enjoy watching the ladies walking the runway.  It’s one thing to have the montages of the girls and tourists horsing around on the beach cut to ribbons.  It’s another when the contests themselves are edited into oblivion.  Some scenes rush by so fast that I sometimes thought I was watching it in 1.5x speed. 

It’s also a bit of a cheat that they say there are ten contests, but they count two of the men’s competitions.  I mean they don’t even list the winners in the men’s categories as the finalists, so what was the point?  Still, it was nice that the winner from Ocean City contest, Karen Croney, took the top prize.  (Spoiler Alert for a thirty-five-year-old Pay Per View special.)  

WINCHESTER (2018) ***

The grief-stricken heir to the Winchester fortune (Helen Mirren) builds a sprawling mansion that is in a state of perpetual expansion.  It is full of many rooms and nearly all of them have no rhyme or reason.  The board of directors is worried she’s unfit to run the company, so they send a drug-addled doctor (Jason Clarke) to gauge her mental stability.  It seems she believes the house is haunted by the victims of her family’s rifles and she is making rooms in the house especially for them.  The ectoplasm hits the fan when a spirit possesses her grandchild.  The good doctor is then forced to come to grips with the supernatural. 

Haunted house movies are a tricky thing to pull off.  You can’t make the haunting too sublime or it won’t be scary, and if you really bring on the scares, you have to find a good reason to make everyone stay inside the house.  The Spierig (Daybreakers) Brothers seemed to have cracked the code as they waste no time doling out jump scares (including one by a roller skate, which may be a cinematic first) and freaky ghost shenanigans.  It helps that the film is based in fact (you can tell they’re riding on the coattails of the Conjuring franchise here) as the real Winchester house has been a tourist attraction for nearly a century. 

Another way you can work around the usual haunted house cliches is to set it in a house that has some personality.  The Winchester house has that in spades.  With its unpredictable architecture, you’re never quite sure what lies around the next corridor, which adds to the fun. 

The performances help enormously.  Mirren is pitch perfect as the matriarch who tries to keep the spirits at bay.  Clarke does fine work too as the skeptical doctor.  It was also fun seeing The Road Warrior's Bruce Spence as the wide-eyed butler. 

Sure, I’m more of a blood and guts kind of guy, but even I can admit when a PG-13 horror flick gets the job done.  It’s got plenty of atmosphere and jump scares, so it’s never boring.  All in all, Winchester is an entertaining Spook-A-Blast. 

AKA:  Winchester Mystery House.  AKA:  Winchester:  House of Ghosts.  AKA:  Winchester:  The House That Ghosts Built.  

THE SAVAGE FIVE (1974) ** ½

This Shaw Brothers Kung Fu flick from director Chang (Ten Tigers of Kwangtung) Cheh is reminiscent in some ways of The Magnificent Seven (right down to the title).  The big difference here is that instead of being hired guns, the five freedom fighters take it upon themselves to defend a village from a merciless gang of ruffians against impossible odds.  Because of that, there’s a bit of a High Noon flavor in there too. 

While the pacing is uneven, the film remains a solid vehicle for David Chiang, who is quite funny as the smooth-talking chicken thief (more movies need those if you ask me) who brings the team together.  Rounding up the titular titans is the town badass (Ti Lung) who finally says enough is enough, an injured acrobat (Wang Chung), a surly woodcutter (Chen Kuan Tai), and a young safecracker (The Killer’s Danny Lee).  It’s just a shame that it takes so long to come together. 

Which leads me to the biggest issue I had with the flick:  Even though the movie is called The Savage Five, the five stars never appear together on screen at the same time.  In fact, one dies early on and another leave town for a good chunk of the running time.  I guess The Savage Three (and Sometimes Four) just didn’t have the same ring to it.  It doesn’t completely derail the film, but it would’ve been nice had our heroes put up a united front. 

The Savage Five also suffers from a lack of action.  Then again, it wasn’t only till after the movie was over that I realized that it didn’t really have a whole lot of action.  I guess that’s kind of a moot point when the cast is stacked with great performances and colorful characters.  The action we do get is solid for the most part.  For die hard Shaw Brothers fans, that will be plenty.  It just wasn’t quite enough for me to put this one into the win column.  

AKA:  Five Tiger Generals.  

DESERT COMMANDOS (1967) **

Ken (Attack of the Giant Leeches) Clark stars as a Nazi soldier who is given a top-secret mission with a slim chance of success.  He and his team will drop into the African desert disguised as British soldiers.  Then, they will move onto Casablanca where they will crash a meeting between Winston Churchill, Franklin Roosevelt, and Joseph Stalin and assassinate them.  Little does Clark and his men know they’re walking right into a trap. 

During the ’60s, Italy churned out many memorable Spaghetti Westerns and horror films.  Watching Desert Commandos, it’s easy to see why the nation’s war pictures aren’t remembered as fondly.  Written and directed by Italian exploitation maverick Umberto (Nightmare City) Lenzi, the film is workmanlike at best and dull at worst.  The big issue of course, is that the “heroes” are Nazis, which makes it tough for American audiences to sympathize and root for them.  (One of the soldiers even uses the old, “I was just obeying orders” justification for his actions.)  Those fascist Italians probably didn’t have much trouble cheering the characters on, but for us Yanks, there’s very little to hang our hats on, aside from the action. 

Since most of the first act is comprised of sweaty guys shuffling through the desert, the film takes a while to settle into a groove.  (The subplot about the soldiers kidnapping an Arab warlord is ho-hum, and the ensuing camel chase looks plain silly.)  To his credit, once the plot shifts away from the desert, Lenzi keeps the action coming at regular intervals, even if the scenes of warfare and combat themselves are a mixed bag.  He does deliver one solid sequence set in a minefield where the soldiers use cigarettes to mark the position of the mines though.

If you’re looking to get into Lenzi's filmography, his action flicks probably aren’t the best place to start.  Check out his many horror, gialli, and cannibal movies instead.  You’ll probably have much better luck. 

AKA:  Desert Commando.

THE UGLY STEPSISTER (2025) ****

It’s fitting Disney is putting the brakes on those live-action fairy tale remakes just when Norway gives us this disgustingly awesome horror-tinged version of Cinderella.  We need less overblown CGI crap fests and more Puke-o-Rama flicks that really put the “Grim” back into Grimm’s Fairy Tales.  Especially ones like The Ugly Stepsister, which even made this dyed in the wool gorehound squirm in his seat. 

This is an incredible debut for writer/director Emilie Blichfeldt.  It’s essentially a retelling of Cinderella through the ugly stepsister’s POV.  The movie stops short of doing a modern spin on the story with her being some kind of misunderstood antihero.  Instead, she’s just your average gal (who’s not really ugly, just plain) trying to live up to society’s impossible beauty standards.  Think a Brothers Grimm version of The Substance, and that gives you an idea of what we’ve got going on here. 

Yes, she winds up resenting Cinderella.  Yes, she eventually turns Cinderella into a servant girl.  However, they begin the film on essentially even ground and are pleasant enough to one another at the start.  It’s just that Elvira (Lea Myren) must work that much harder at being pretty and has to want it even more when it comes time for the prince’s ball. 

As Elvira, Myren gives an astonishing performance.  We are with her every step of the way in her quest for beauty, even if it takes her to some shockingly painful and disgusting detours.  I don’t want to spoil some of the best moments of the movie.  However, if you are already familiar with the OG version of the story, then you probably already know some of the highlights, which are shown in gloriously gory detail.  It also features one of the cringiest eye trauma scenes since A Clockwork Orange.  Oh, and this might be the first time in cinema history where a tapeworm gets a nomination for Best Supporting Actor.  Not only that, but the sex scenes feature some near XXX action.  

One thing’s for sure; those Norwegians sure know how to make a goddamned fairy tale movie!

PRESENCE (2025) **

A family moves into an old house and goes about their daily routine.  Meanwhile, a lingering spirit moves about the home and drops in on conversations and watches them while they are completely unaware.  When the presence makes itself known, the family struggle to find a way to deal with it. 

If you get the slightest bit of nausea from moving camerawork, you’ll probably want to sit this one out as it is comprised mostly of long takes of the ghost’s POV following the characters around the house.  While the camera movement is steady for the most part, some of the slow pans with the wall-eyed lenses will undoubtedly make you dizzy.  Since everything is seen through the spirit’s eyes, that means that sometimes it will be on the second floor and has to rush downstairs when someone enters the house.  These moments often feel like filler and quite honestly could’ve been trimmed. 

I think this might’ve worked as a short, however the seams really start to show at feature length.  It doesn’t help that the characters are all sketched pretty thin and the performances (aside from Chris Sullivan who works overtime carrying the movie on his back as the well-meaning, long-suffering patriarch of the family) are one-note.  The twist ending is OK, but again it’s something that may have worked better in a short or as part of an anthology film. 

Presence was written by David Koepp, who knows his way around ghost stories after directing the classic Stir of Echoes.  Ultimately, it all feels more like an excuse for director Steven Soderbergh to futz with his tracking camera.  Much as the camera searches around to find the action, the end result plays like a gimmick in search of a movie.  And honestly, once you know the gimmick, there’s really nowhere for the film to go.  I did like the use of the Poltergeist font in the opening credits though. 

Koepp and Soderbergh also collaborated on Black Bag, which was released just a few months later.

NINJA VS. SHARK (2023) **

The Crimson Devil Clan attacks a small fishing village and demands their stockpile of pearls.  Making matters worse is the fact that lately, the town’s pearl divers have been getting eaten by a giant shark that lurks in the sea.  The mayor has no choice but to hire a mercenary to protect the village from the evil clan.  The hired swordsman soon learns the clan is the one controlling the shark through the use of black magic.  Little does the village realize their new savior is also on the run from the clan, which complicates matters. 

Ninja vs. Shark suffers from some bad CGI blood effects during the sword fights.  The shark effects are pretty chintzy too, and not exactly in a fun way.  It also doesn’t help that our hero spends most of the movie dressed more like a samurai than a Ninja as he walks around in a robe and not the black pajamas you’d normally associate with Ninjas. 

There are some amusing things here.  For instance, when the villain eats the pearls, it makes him young again, but the side effect is that it turns him into a silly looking CGI shark man.   For the most part though, you have to wade through some serious lulls in the action before you get to the good stuff, and even then, the good stuff isn’t all that memorable.  There’s a zombie chick, a decent decapitated head gag, and lame Mortal Kombat style fights.  The finale where the Ninja squares up against the shark is pretty anticlimactic too. 

I’ve seen lots of movies with the words “Ninja vs.” in the title.  I’ve also seen lots of flicks featuring the words “vs. Shark”.  As such, Ninja vs. Shark is far from the worst of these kinds of films.  I mean, it’s not terrible or anything.  I guess it just boils down to what you want to see from a movie called Ninja vs. Shark.  For me, it had way too much of the former and not enough of the latter.  Fortunately, it’s only seventy-six minutes.  That doesn’t mean it’s well paced, as it feels longer than that, but at least the filmmakers knew that an hour and fifteen minutes was about the expiration date for something like this.