DEN OF THIEVES: PANTERA (2025) **

Gerard Butler returns as “Big Nick”, who is still on the trail of thief Donnie (O’Shea Jackson Jr.).  He follows him all the way to Europe where he and a new crew are planning to rob the World Diamond Authority.  The surprise is he doesn’t want to bust Donnie.  Big Nick wants to join his team and get a piece of the action. 

This sequel swaps out money for diamonds and L.A. for Europe.  Whereas the inspiration for the original was Heat, this one seems to be a riff on another Robert De Niro actioner, Ronin.  (Jackson’s team even uses the word “Ronin” as a call sign during a heist early on in the movie.)  There’s also a little bit of an inverse X-Men 2 thing going on where the hero teams up with the villain. 

Director Christian Gudegast (who also helmed the original) delivers a slick looking picture, but there’s just not a whole lot going on under its glossy veneer.  What’s worse is that it moves slowly and sluggishly.  I enjoyed the first movie, even though I felt it was unnecessarily long.  This one is even longer, clocking in at a whopping two and a half hours.  The set-up for the heist is needlessly meticulous (almost to the point of being OCD) and some of the suspense sequences never quite pop.  (One heist scene feels like an extreme version of the schoolyard game, Red Light, Green Light.)  Also, the additional character moments don’t really add anything to the mix and only contribute to the film’s already bloated running time. 

The big issue though is that Donnie seems to bring Big Nick into his fold way too easily.  I guess if he didn’t, we wouldn’t have a movie.  That said, you never quite buy Big Nick’s heel turn, which predictably results in his Point Break-style morality crisis later in the film. 

With macho bluster to spare, Butler remains entertaining to watch.  Whether shaking down crooks or dancing on ecstasy or biting into shawarma, he provides the movie with a shot in the arm whenever it begins to flag.  Unfortunately, these brief flashes are the only times when Pantera rocks. 

AKA:  Criminal Squad 2.  AKA:  Criminal Squad:  Pantera.  AKA:  Den of Thieves 2:  Pantera.

AZRAEL (2024) **

After the Rapture, the folks who have been left behind (see what I did there) have all become mute.  One woman (Samara Weaving) is kidnapped by a cult who tie her up and try to sacrifice her to a crispy looking monster.  She narrowly escapes and takes off into the woods where she is pursued by not only the monster, but the vengeful cult members as well. 

Written by Simon (You’re Next) Barrett and directed by E.L. (Cheap Thrills) Katz, Azrael has its moments but is a bit underwhelming overall.  Despite the religious implications (and all the Bible verses that act as chapter breaks), this is less a Christian horror flick and more of a rip-off of A Quiet Place since no one in the movie talks.  The odd thing is that the filmmakers never take advantage of the gimmick.  There is one scene where Weaving meets a guy who speaks gibberish and neither she nor the audience can understand him.  However, there’s no real payoff or purpose for everyone to be mute, so why even bother? 

Weaving is one of my favorite actresses working today but giving her a role that requires her to be mute does her a great disservice.  Because she can’t speak, it forces her to do a lot of acting with her eyes and to her credit, she does just about everything you could ask from her.  It’s just that the thin script and drab visuals of the film let her down.  Also, the monsters, who just look like a bunch of guys who got burnt up in a fire, are weak.  The human villains are even worse as they basically look like a tribe of homeless people and lack any true menace. 

On the plus side, the gore is decent.  The scenes of the monsters drinking people’s blood are juicy, and there is not one but two gnarly decapitations.  I give props to Katz and Barrett for the ballsy ending, but honestly, it’s a long time coming.  Weaving is striking while covered in blood and brandishing a machine gun though.  It’s just a shame the filmmakers couldn’t build a film around her that was worthy of that image.

AKA:  Azrael:  Angel of Death.

DEBBIE DOES DALLAS (1978) ** ½

Debbie Does Dallas is one of the most iconic porno movies of all time.  It was made when everyone was going crazy for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, so spinning the idea of sexy cheerleaders into a sex flick was a no-brainer.  Oddly enough, it never quite lives up to its title. 

The plot is simple.  Bambi Woods stars as Debbie, who along with her high school cheerleading team is trying to raise money for their trip to Texas.  It doesn’t take them long to figure out the best way to make money is the old-fashioned way.  

Like most classics of the genre, Debbie Does Dallas seems kind of quaint now, especially after so many imitators and sequels.  Most of the scenes are tame and the few that manage to be potentially hot are over before they can gather much steam.  

Many of the sex scenes involve threesomes, if you’re into that kind of thing.  The first scene has some football players banging a pair of cheerleaders in the shower.  Next, a girl masturbates with a candlestick before getting it on with an older couple.  Then, two girls earn money by washing a guy’s car before learning more can be made by letting him in their backseat.  (If you know what I mean.)  Another girl gets caught giving head in the library and is spanked by the horny old librarian.  That’s followed by a girl taking on two guys in a sauna.  Then, two chicks blow a guy in a record store.  Finally, Debbie dons her cheerleading outfit and bangs her boss (Robert Kerman from Cannibal Holocaust). 

One surprising thing about Debbie Does Dallas is that Debbie isn’t in it a whole lot.  Plus, she doesn’t come close to doing enough people to approximate the population of Dallas.  There’s also not much cheerleading either, which is disappointing.  Woods, who only appeared in a handful of movies (most of which were in the Debbie series), is charming though, which helps. 

The best thing I can say about it is that it feels like a real movie.  This was made during the second wave of the porno chic era.  It was post-Behind the Green Door and Devil in Miss Jones, but still at a point where it looked like porn could go legitimate.  It has the feel of a Hollywood production (okay, a drive-in B movie), but with hardcore scenes.  While it falls short of its reputation, I still liked it just fine.  It certainly works better as a cultural relic than as eroticism though. 

AKA:  Hi!  Hi!  Debbie!  AKA:  Dallas Lolitas.  

PASS THRU (2016) ****

The man, the myth, the legend, Neil Breen returns with yet another magnum opus.  Pass Thru features all of Breen’s hallmarks:  Scenes of Breen playing an all-powerful being who walks aimlessly through the desert, tigers, random suicides, and tons of vitriol being spewed at crooked lawyers, politicians, and bankers.  In short, it’s another banger by Breen. 

This time, Breen sets his sights on the immigration problem.  Two women flee a caravan of people leaving “their country” (which country is never stated) when drug runners try to gun them down.  They take off into the desert where they stumble upon Thgil (Breen), a junkie who offers them shelter.  Little do they know he’s actually AI from the future in human form who has been sent back in time to eliminate corrupt and evil people. 

Pass Thru is easily identifiable as a work of manic genius right from the get-go.  Breen’s absolute refusal to use transition and/or establishing shots will give you whiplash as the film plays out in a series of visual non-sequiturs.  The acting is terrible (especially by the female leader of the caravan), which only adds to the hilarity. 

As with I am Here… Now, Breen plays another whacked-out deity.  In the film’s most memorably bonkers sequence (Spoilers for a batshit crazy Neil Breen movie), he causes “The Cleanse”, which is like a reverse Rapture and makes all the bad people on Earth disappear.  Then, he goes all Network on our ass and commandeers a TV news studio and rants and raves about corruption in business, government, and other American institutions. 

The funniest bit though is after he makes all the gunmen leading the caravan disappear.  What does he tell the grateful refugees crossing over to the United States trying to start a new life?  “GO HOME!  Make a difference THERE!”  Incredible. 

Not many directors can be called true auteurs, but Breen is certainly one of them.  He trots out all his tried-and-true themes and visual motifs yet again and wears his heart on his sleeve, technical and budgetary limitations be damned.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, could make a movie like Pass Thru in a million years.  Very few directors begin their career with banger after banger, but Double Down, I am Here… Now, Fateful Findings, and Pass Thru are about as good/bad as you can get 

In Breen we trust. 

I AM HERE…. NOW (2009) ****

Of all the Neil Breen movies I have subjected myself to lately, this one is my favorite.  It’s a perfect crystallization of his ideas, themes, motifs, fetishes, and cinematic wizardry.  It’s also one of the funniest movies of all time. 

What makes Breen’s films work is his absolute dedication to the piece.  He believes everything he’s saying and the unabashed way he wears his heart on his sleeve while simultaneously falling short on a technical level is reminiscent of both Tom Laughlin’s Billy Jack pictures and Ed Wood’s best work.  Whatever may be lacking in terms of plot, dialogue, editing, coherence, logic, and sanity, Breen’s message shines through and his passion is evident.  Because of that, his movies are like a trip inside his mind.  I am Here…. Now is simply a unique and unforgettable experience. 

Breen stars as “The Being” who is kind of like Robo-Space-Jesus.  He appears in the middle of the desert in a white robe and what looks like a computer motherboard glued to his chest.  He becomes disgusted to learn humans are not using solar energy to its fullest and is repulsed by corrupt government officials and lawyers who are preventing the technology from reaching its fullest potential.  (No, really.)  He also tries to help two sisters who have lost their jobs at the solar energy plant and have turned to selling themselves on the streets to provide their family.  (Represented by a rubber baby doll in a stroller.)

Speaking of baby dolls, the scene where Breen walks through the desert past several severed doll heads is legitimately cool looking and would make for a great album cover.  The rest of the movie is about as unintentionally hilarious as they come.  I had to stop and rewind scenes to relive the nonsensical story beats and jaw-dropping dialogue a second time.  My favorite line comes when one of the sisters says she will hide her sex work from her boyfriend by saying, “I’ll tell him I got a part-time job at the mall!”

Breen’s rage at corruption in Washington is on full display here.  I don’t want to spoil anything for you but as is the case in most of Breen’s work, the corrupt officials all get what’s coming to them.  This time in biblical fashion. 

I also loved the scenes where the Being punishes people for their wicked deeds.  There’s a great bit with an old guy in a wheelchair (“Cancer chemo kicked my ass!”) gets knocked down by a passerby and Robo-Space-Jesus makes his eyeballs bleed.  These moments have a real Billy Jack type feel to them.  If Billy Jack was a partially robotic deity from outer space, that is. 

I am Here… Now is Breen’s finest hour.  It’s like a ‘70s Ron Ormond religious movie directed by Tommy Wiseau.  You’ll laugh.  You’ll cry.  You’ll laugh so hard that you’ll cry again.  In short, Neil Breen is Bad Movie Jesus and we all should worship him. 

DOUBLE DOWN (2005) ****

Double Down was the first cinematic endeavor by the King of Grade Z WTF independent filmmaking, Neil Breen.  It features all the hallmarks he would carry throughout his filmography.  There are random shots of skulls, scenes of him furiously typing away on his laptop, long stretches of him roaming through the desert, enough stock footage to draw comparisons to Ed Wood (such as scenes of the Las Vegas skyline, NASA stock footage, and random shots of planes taking off and landing), and the most random close-ups of feet outside of a Doris Wishman movie. 

Another Breen trademark:  He stars as an all-powerful hero with mysterious and vague powers who is seemingly infallible, incorruptible, and spouts anti-capitalism New Agey nonsense.  Breen is a shadowy agent who lives out in the desert who has orders to bring Las Vegas to a standstill using his advanced satellite technology that he runs out of the trunk of his sedan.  He’s also a part-time bioterrorist who can bring down major cities should his employers ever think to double-cross him.  Eventually, he has a crisis of conscience and sets out to stop his own plan. 

Most of the time, Breen walks around by himself while mind-numbing narration plays over the action.  (If you can call it that.)  The visions and flashbacks of his dead wife are also humorous, but it’s the scene where Neil reacts to her dead body that may go down as his all-time best moment on screen.  As he holds her corpse close to him, he lets out a quick little yelp that sounds more like a reaction someone would have to a paper cut or hangnail; not exactly losing the love of your life.  Oh, and did I mention Neil is NAKED in this scene?  Of course, because why wouldn’t he be?  (Gratuitous nudity by Neil is yet another Breen trademark.)  Despite coming perilously close to seeing his little Breener, you’ll be scrambling for the rewind button to play this scene over and over again. Trust me.

The movie is chockfull of scenes where Breen spouts out fortune cookie wisdom while banging away at his computer.  His diatribes are a word salad of mystical gobbledygook and indecipherable technobabble.  The so-called action scenes are jaw-dropping.  Folks, you haven’t lived until you see Neil get the drop on absolutely no one at all, shoot the nonexistent gunmen, and then nonchalantly wipe their blood off his face. 

In short, Double Down is a modern WTF classic that will have you scratching your head and laughing your ass off in equal measure. 

BODACIOUS TA’TA’S (1983) ***

Alex (Dave Cannon) throws a bachelor party for his stepson Jim (Greg Ruffner) at a strip club.  After a few drinks, their pal Jack (Ron Jeremy) pays a few of the dancers to have a private party back at Alex’s place.  It doesn’t take long before the girls start earning their money and give the boys a real show in the bedroom. 

The first act of Bodacious Ta’Ta’s is mostly devoted to stripteases rather than sex as it’s primarily set inside the strip club.  It’s hard to complain though, especially when you have Kitten Natividad, Bridgette Monet, and Patty Plenty doing the stripping.  Patty performs a particularly memorable tassel twirling number that’s not to be missed and Kitten’s dances are great too. 

We do get a few strong XXX scenes once the action finally switches back to the house.  They include straight fuck scenes, anal, and voyeurism.  It takes a while before Kitten gets in on the fun, but her steamy lesbian scene with Patty is more than worth the wait. 

Jeremy is funny as the sleazy, fast-talking friend, but it’s the ladies in the cast that make it recommended.  Monet is as sexy as ever and has a steamy romp in the bedroom.  Plenty lives up to her name too as she also gets fucked with panache. 

The movie really belongs to Kitten.  Even though she only partakes in the hardcore action at the very end (she didn’t start doing Guy on Girl scenes in porn until the ‘90s), her sexy strip numbers are quite eye-popping.  Heck, even the scenes where she just sits there while Jeremy feels her up are kinda hot. 

So, if you’re watching Bodacious Ta’Ta’s with the expectation of watching Kitten embroiled in some heated and hardcore XXX action, you may be a tad disappointed by this one.  In fact, it often feels like a “real” movie before the sex scenes begin to dominate in the second half.  That’s really a testament to director Paul G. (Stiff Competition) Vatelli’s work behind the camera.  (Even though the film is primarily set in two locations, it still feels rather polished.)  While she may not go all the way with the male members of the cast, it’ll still be worth a watch if you’re a fan of Kitten, if only to see her shaking her certifiably bodacious assets.