ERASER: REBORN (2022) ** ½

If you’re reading a review of Eraser:  Reborn, you’ve probably already entertained thoughts of watching a twenty-six years later, completely unrelated, DTV sequel to an Arnold Schwarzenegger action flick that doesn’t star Arnold Schwarzenegger.  By reading said review, you’re probably only seeking one thing:  Confirmation that it’s as bad as you’re expecting so you can talk yourself out of watching it.  Sorry to disappoint you.  While it’s no means what anyone would call a “good” movie, it is moderately entertaining and much better than slews upon slews of unrelated DTV sequels that are on the market. 

You know it’s kind of fascinating to me which movies get decades later DTV sequels and what doesn’t.  Let’s use Schwarzenegger’s filmography for example.  Why does Eraser get a sequel and not, say… End of Days?  It seems like you could do more with that concept.  Maybe brand name recognition?  I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because the idea of an agent that acts as a bodyguard to people in Witness Protection and erases their identities is a lot easier to do on a DTV budget than say, a satanic action flick.  

The plot involves a woman (Jacky Lai) working with the Feds to get the goods on her kingpin husband.  When she accidentally kills him in a scuffle, an “Eraser” (Dominic Sherwood) comes in to take her into protection.  Predictably, his team accepts a bribe, and they set out to erase him too. 

Eraser:  Reborn is competent, albeit completely unnecessary.  The set-up, while derivative, is sound.  It’s not bad.  It’s just that the film begins to tread water whenever the action begins to dry up.  At best, it’s an above par DTV sequel.  At worst, it plays like something you would catch on ION TV in the middle of the afternoon. 

To his credit, Sherwood doesn’t even try to copy Arnold.  He’s more than happy to just play the role like the lead of a TV show.  His character is pretty bland for the most part, but I think he might go down in history as the first action movie hero that has a pet ostrich, so he has that going for him. 

Speaking of animals… The original had a memorable sequence involving alligators.  This one double-dips and provides silly kills featuring hippos and rhinos.  (The CGI is wonky on both counts.)  So, as you can see, the filmmakers were at least trying to honor the first movie while still daring to be a little different.  Oddball touches like that ensure Eraser:  Reborn won’t be completely erased from your mind soon after watching it. 

REAR WINDOW (1954) ****

Rear Window is one of Alfred Hitchcock’s best films.  It stars his Rope leading man Jimmy Stewart and it manages to one-up that movie.  In Rope, Stewart didn’t leave the room.  This time, he can’t leave his wheelchair. 

Stuck at home with a broken leg, Stewart grows antsy.  To pass the time, he takes to spying on his neighbors.  One day, he witnesses one of his neighbors commit a murder, or at least so he thinks, which causes him to peep on him even more. 

Stewart is excellent in a deceptively difficult performance.  Since most of the movie depends on his reactions to the goings-on across the street (curiosity, bemusement, fear, etc.), he effectively serves as our window (no pun intended) to the suspense.  In addition to Stewart, the film also reteams Hitch with his Dial M for Murder star, Grace Kelly, who looks effortlessly beautiful.  Thelma Ritter is a hoot as Stewart’s cantankerous nursemaid and the banter between the pair is often hilarious.  Raymond Burr gives a chilling performance as the prime suspect and the creator of Alvin and the Chipmunks, Ross Bagdasarian also appears as a musician neighbor. 

Rear Window finds Hitchcock fully leaning into his voyeuristic tendencies.  The subject has always been a part of the Hitchcock dynamic, but here the subtext becomes text.  Since we spend the whole movie with Stewart, the audience becomes virtual co-conspirators with him.  I’m particularly thinking of the scenes where he leers at a sexy neighbor he dubs “Miss Torso” dancing in her underwear. 

What’s so much fun is how Kelly and Ritter get caught up in the drama.  A lot of bland scripts would’ve wasted a lot of time with no one believing Stewart.  While that is initially the case, it doesn’t take long before they become just as curious as he is. 

The view outside the window is mesmerizingly orchestrated.  The comings and goings of the various neighbors going about their day unaware that they are being spied on while in constant motion doesn’t feel choreographed.  In fact, the view almost becomes a living, breathing character in the film.  

In short, it’s a must-see.

Hitch’s next was To Catch a Thief, which also starred Kelly.  

THE CASE OF THE BLOODY IRIS (1972) ***

Edwige Fenech and George Hilton star in this entertaining giallo from director Giuliano (the Sartana series) Carnimeo. Edwige plays Jennifer, a fashion model who is a refugee from a sex cult.  The leader Adam (Ben Carra) keeps stalking her and tries to lure her back into the fold.  Meanwhile, a killer is going around and murdering beautiful women.  Jennifer just so happens to move into the apartment building where the previous murder took place and predictably, the killer zeroes in on her for his next target.  Before long, poor old Andrea (Hilton) becomes the prime suspect, if only because he wigs out at the sight of blood. 

Things kick off with a decent little murder in an elevator.  Carnimeo paces it smoothly with lots of shots of people entering and exiting the elevator before our doomed victim is alone with the killer and gets the shaft… so to speak.  (This sequence could be seen as a sort of precursor to the similar scene in Brian DePalma’s Dressed to Kill.)  There’s also a drowning in a bathtub and an effective moment when Fenech’s friend is knifed in broad daylight. 

Edwige is achingly beautiful throughout and looks amazing in a variety of three-piece suit ensembles.  She’s so hot that just admiring her pulchritude will take your mind off the plot whenever it starts spinning its wheels.  She also has a fun modeling scene where she poses for a flamboyant photographer while wearing a sexy painted-on T-shirt.  I also enjoyed the flashbacks to the sex cult where she rolls around naked while covered in flowers.  Her sex scene with Hilton on a shag rug is pretty good too.  Carla Brait also has a memorable scene where she challenges men to wrestle as a part of her nightclub act. 

The last act where Edwige becomes suspicious of her neighbors is fun.  It’s here where the killer chases Fenech around in junkyards and boiler rooms.  She’s incredibly sexy in these scenes too, even while she’s scared out of her wits.  Sure, there may be some bumps in the road along the way, but whenever Edwige is front and center, you can’t take your eyes off The Case of the Bloody Iris. 

AKA:  Jennifer.  AKA:  Erotic Blue.  AKA:  What are Those Strange Drops of Blood Doing on Jennifer’s Body?  AKA:  Why are Those Strange Drops of Blood on the Body of Jennifer?

THE TOXIC AVENGER (2025) *

Macon Blair’s remake of The Toxic Avenger tries way too hard.  It reminded me of those bad horror flicks that came out after Grindhouse that aped look and the feel of the old grindhouse movies but missed the point entirely.  The problem is you can’t set out to make a cult movie.  Troma didn’t do that with the original Toxic Avenger.  They tried to make the best movie they could with what they had, even if the concept was strictly B material.  The result was a genuine classic.  Lloyd Kaufman’s blend of comic book hero action with lowbrow humor and outlandish gore captured lightning in a bottle.  This remake tries to recapture that magic without the benefit of the lightning.  Or the bottle. 

This time, our hero is Winston Gooze (Peter Dinklage), a janitor who is killed by demented goons who dump his body into toxic waste.  He is soon reborn as an unstoppable crimefighter who goes toe to toe with the nefarious Bob Garbinger (Kevin Bacon) whose questionable products are polluting the Earth.  Just as he’s getting his footing as a superhero, Bob sets a trap for Winston by kidnapping his son (Jacob Tremblay).

The sole clever gag in the film occurs early on when we see a sign for the town, “St. Roma’s Village” that has a few letters smudged out, so it reads “Tromaville”.  Other than that, the humor is obnoxious and intentionally campy, and the gore is ruined by quick-cut editing and obvious CGI.  The tone also fluctuates wildly.  They want us to care about the relationship with Toxie and his son while at the same time expecting us to laugh at the Epic Movie level of humor and applaud the mediocre gore. 

The cast do what they can.  Dinklage is sincere, but his Toxie never quite registers.  Bacon looks like he’s having fun hamming it up, and yet he rarely gets anything worthwhile to do.  The same goes for his henchman, Elijah Wood who looks like a combination of Riff Raff and the Penguin. 

I don’t know.  I might’ve been forgiving if they set out to remake Class of Nuke ‘Em High or Sgt. Kabukiman, but this is The Toxic Avenger we’re talking about here.  Seeing someone (especially someone as talented as Blair) trying to duplicate one of the best cult movies of all time is just kind of sad and depressing, particularly when they don’t even come close to matching the absurdity and fun of the original.

In short, this remake is toxic indeed. 

SNOW WHITE AND THE 7 SAMURAI (2024) ***

No matter what you think of The Asylum and their never-ending line of low budget “mockbusters”, you’ve got to hand it to them for creating one of the best titles of all time with Snow White and the 7 Samurai.  Surprisingly enough, the movie almost lives up to its awesome title.  Almost. 

Not even a minute into the movie we learn why Anya (Fiona Dorn) is nicknamed Snow White as she’s “heir to her daddy’s cocaine empire!”  And get this:  Her drug-dealing daddy is played by none other than Eric Roberts.  Naturally, Roberts gets killed off in record time and leaves his fortune to Snow White.  Her wicked stepmother (Gina Vitori) despises the fact she wants to make the family business legitimate and hires “The Hooded Man” (Quinton “Rampage” Jackson) to snuff her out.  Snow White survives and is nursed back to health by seven sexy samurai women who fight corruption and injustice.  It doesn’t take long for the feisty Anya to join their ranks and together, they set out to stop her wicked stepmother once and for all. 

I don’t know about you, but I’ll take seven sexy samurai women over seven dwarf miners any day. 

Yes, this movie could’ve skated by on the ingenious title alone, but credit goes to the filmmakers for actually sneaking a decent female-driven action flick in there too.  The real surprise is that the action is well-choreographed, and the fight scenes are a lot of fun.  (I think my favorite scene was the fun training sequence where Snow White learns various fighting techniques from each of the samurai women.)  Vitori is especially intimidating as the wicked stepmother who can throw down with the best of them.  Sunny Tellone who plays Luna, the leader of the samurai, is equally impressive as she can spin a mean Bo staff and kick lots of ass.  Dorn is a credible action lead in her own right and carries the film gamely enough.  She certainly doesn’t need any Prince Charming to help her out of danger.  

It’s always entertaining seeing Roberts in something like this, even if his role is limited.  His appearance may lead you to believe it’s going to be another grade Z effort, but it’s better than you’d expect, all things considered (even if it starts to run out of steam by the final reel).  Jackson also brings an air of menace to what’s essentially a thankless henchmen role (he’s basically the Huntsman character).  It was also nice to see Skinamax stalwart, Robert Donavan popping up as the family’s lawyer.  

SERENITY (2019) ** ½

When this came out a few years back, the word on it was toxic.  A lot of people were saying it was one of the “worst movies of the year”.  Heck, there were even a couple who were tossing out a lot of “one of the worst movies of all time” talk.  Bad movies are my specialty, so naturally this has been sitting in my queue for a while.  It just took a while to get to it.  

Matthew McConaughey stars as a surly boat captain who’s obsessed with hooking a big fish.  His meager existence is shaken up when his ex-wife (Anne Hathaway) arrives on the scene offering him a proposition:  Kill her loutish rich hubby (Jason Clarke) and walk away with a cool $10 million.  He soon learns it isn’t that simple. 

The set-up is promising and ripe with film noir possibilities.  The small fishing village where everybody knows everything about everyone is an ideal location for such shenanigans too.  Like many film noirs before it, there is a big twist, and I assume it was the twist that got everybody’s panties in a bunch.  It’s the kind of thing where either you go with it, or you don’t.  I can understand why some people wouldn’t take to it as it comes out of left field (even though there are several instances of foreshadowing leading up to the big reveal).  I guess people that hate the twist hate the film on general principles.  However, hating the entire thing just because of the twist is dismissive to the solid first hour or so that precedes it. 

The cast is fine, with McConaughey in particular being outstanding as the drunken, hopeless fisherman.  Hathaway is also very good as the battered wife and Clarke is despicable as her abusive husband.  We also have strong supporting turns by Djimon Hounsou as McConaughey’s loyal first mate and Diane Lane as a local woman McConaughey provides stud service to. 

So, does the twist work?  Not really.  It’s not that it’s “bad”, it just comes off a bit goofy.  I was going to break it down in depth in this review, but I decided against it since it’s such a weird twist that you’re better off seeing it for yourself and drawing your own conclusions.  

Overall, Serenity isn’t deserving of its reputation but it’s not exactly a misunderstood classic either.  Without the twist, it would’ve been a good but forgettable thriller.  With the twist it’s odd and ultimately unsuccessful one, but it remains an unforgettable slice of WTF cinema.  Honestly, I think I’d prefer the latter. 

FOXTRAP (1986) ** ½

Fred Williamson is a cop named Fox who is hired by the slimy J.T. (Chris Connelly) to go to Europe and bring back his niece Susan (Donna Owen).  His search begins in Cannes and when the trail goes cold, it’s off to Rome where he finds her acting as a kept woman for Marco (Maurizio Bonuglia), a standard issue sleazy underworld type.  Not long after he brings her home seemingly safe and sound, he slowly begins to suspect he’s been playing for the wrong side, so Fox sets out to make things right. 

Foxtrap is very similar to the other cop action flicks Williamson was churning out in Italy throughout the ‘80s.  Most of the running time is devoted to Williamson strutting around smoking a stogie while occasionally kicking the crap out of hired henchmen.  These sequences aren’t staged particularly well, but they get the job done for the most part. 

I did enjoy the scene where Fred hangs out at the Cannes Film Festival where posters for Witness, Cocoon, and Death Wish 3 are prominently displayed.  It looks like one of those Joe Spinell/Fanatic type deals where he was already at the film festival, so why not film a movie?  Too bad more of the flick didn’t take place there. 

Fred is cool as always, but it’s Cleo Sebastian who steals the movie as Josie, Williamson’s girlfriend’s gay roommate who can kick ass when he has to.  He even briefly joins Williamson on his quest for revenge and uses a fighting technique that can only be described as Ballet Fu.  Little touches like this help to differentiate Foxtrap from Williamson’s other actioners of the era (like the interchangeable Black Cobra series) and gives the film a little bit of personality.  Lela Rochon also pops up in an early role as Connelly’s moll. 

Despite being a quirky effort for Fred, Foxtrap kind of runs out of steam before it crosses the finish line.  The finale is underwhelming too, and it features a lot of scenes of clearly empty cardboard boxes getting shot up.  All that aside, it’s an agreeable enough actioner for fans of Williamson.