THE HEAD MISTRESS (1968) ****

An old gardener at an all-girls school retires.  A young stud named Mario (Victor Brandt) replaces him and pretends to be a little on the slow side to get the job.  Really, he just wants to get an eyeful of all the young maidens running around the school grounds.  Meanwhile, the sexy head mistress (Marsha Jordan) is busy making time with the student body… and what a body these students have!

From the kings of sexploitation writer/producer David F. (Blood Feast) Friedman and director Byron (A Smell of Honey, a Swallow of Brine) Mabe, The Head Mistress is an enormously fun bit of ‘60s skin.  From the outset, it looks like it’s going to be one of those “respectable” pictures that actually has a plot and actresses in period costumes.  Fortunately for the audience, those costumes don’t stay on the actresses for very long.  In fact, part of the fun is seeing how thoroughly unrespectable the movie becomes the further it goes along. 

Marsha (Prison Girls) Jordan is a blast as the title character.  She’s great in her tender scenes while she’s seducing her students (we never see anyone attend class, but that’s beside the point), but once she gets all hot and bothered and starts tying them up and whipping them, look out!  Invitation to Ruin’s Julia Blackburn (billed humorously as “Bermuda Schwartz”), Gee Gentell (who has a hot bubble bath scene), and Samantha Scott all make memorable impressions as the nubile coeds. 

The T & A is quite special.  Schoolgirls have sex, take baths, have picnics while topless, take literal and figurative rolls in the hay, and generally spend a lot of time with their goodies on display.  Also, there’s quite a bit of foot stuff here for fans of that kind of action. 

If the movie was merely content on being a skin showcase, it still would’ve been highly recommended.  However, it becomes increasingly unhinged in the second half and it’s here where The Head Mistress really shines.  One insane bit has a co-ed learning she’s pregnant and hanging herself.  Then, one of her classmates finds the body hanging there and… uh… let’s just say she proceeds to get intimate with her.  Fortunately, the camera cuts away before it gets icky, but the mere suggestion of what’s going down is rather jaw dropping. 

There’s even a surprising bit of gore too.  I mean wait till you learn why the movie is called The “HEAD” Mistress.  It might not be what you’re picturing.  I totally didn’t think it would venture into Evil Dead type territory, especially when it played like your average skin flick in the early going.  Then again, that’s one of the many joys of the movie.  You never know where it’s going next.

Also amusing is the fact that the two main male characters are named Mario and Luigi!

In short, fans of ‘60s sexploitation are sure to give The Head Mistress high marks. 

AKA:  The Head Lady.

SCHOOLGIRL REPORT 2: WHAT KEEPS PARENTS AWAKE AT NIGHT (1975) ** ½

A reporter appears on camera and tells the audience the producers had no intention of making a sequel to Schoolgirl Report but the “overwhelming response from viewers” forced them to make another one.   As before, the film is broken up into several “fictionalized” vignettes.  There’s also man on the street interviews sandwiched in between the vignettes where women are asked about their sexual mores and preferences.

Segment  #1 (***):  Sexy schoolgirls tease their science teacher while he does a lesson about how friction between two bodies causes a “tingly sensation”.  They then set out to blackmail and seduce him.  This sequence has a fun and playful set-up, and the ladies are quite sexy (and funny) too.  However, it all ends on a tragic note. 

Segment #2 (***):  Some teens explore their blossoming sexuality in a barn before they get busted by a cop.  This one has a nice blend of the awkwardness and innocence that’s inherent in sexual exploration.  Unfortunately, like young love itself, it climaxes abruptly. 

Segment #3 (** ½):  Two teenage girls say, “Fuck school!  We want to be free!” and run away from home.  They soon learn they have to use their bodies to survive on the streets.  Despite a promising start, there’s not much of an ending to this segment. 

Segment #4 (** ½):  This sequence is a humorous affair.  A young couple try to lose their virginity in the woods when a farmer steals their clothes.  This one is short and sweet.  Maybe too short as the ending just sort of fizzles out. 

Segment #5 (**):  A girl is brought home by two degenerates who shoot her up with heroin and rape her.  This segment is brief and depressing, but there is at least one great line of dialogue when the hoods shoot up smack and say, “Whoever invented this should get a medal!”

Segment #6 (***):  A teen is tricked into posing nude for a photographer.  (“Half-dressed is porn.  Total nudity is natural!”)  Later her friends follow suit.  This one is a return to the more playful segments earlier in the film.  The photo shoot scene is fun and even a bit arty too. 

Segment  #7 (***):  A young girl is set up by her friends to lose her virginity to a real “stud” who winds up being a virgin too.  Meanwhile, the other girls try to bribe a cabbie into stripping.  Here's another sequence that finds the right blend of innocence and sexy fun that I wish was more prevalent throughout the film. 

Segment #8 (** ½):  A teen girl seduces her math tutor.  When her father catches them in the act, he has him thrown in jail.  She then attempts suicide.  While this is the darkest entry, it ends with a plea for tolerance and understanding when it comes to girls experimenting with their sexuality, which softens the blow a bit. 

Segment #9 (** ½):  This one is not exploitative and plays like a German version of an American After School Special.  The parents of a teenage girl freak out when they learn she’s pregnant.  Once the baby comes, they have embraced their role as grandparents.  Although it's kind of sweet, it makes for a disappointing ending.  I guess with so much excess here, the filmmakers wanted to end things on an upbeat note. 

AKA:  Schoolgirl’s Report ’75.  AKA:  Schoolgirls’ Report:  Why Parents Lose Their Sleep.  AKA:  Further Confessions of a Sixth Form Girl.  

WHAT’S LOVE (1987) *

In the ‘70s, porn star Bill Cable started work on a movie called What is Love?, but never got around to finishing it.  A decade later, porn director Carlos Tobalina decided to finally complete the sucker.  It’s not good, but on the plus side, some of the hottest porn starlets of all time like Sharon Kelly and Ginger Lynn show up. The downside is that the sex scenes are all softcore and they are far from their best work. 

A cop (Cable) pulls the Devil (Troy Walker) over for smoking grass.  He gets back at him by making his motorcycle disappear and causes him to have visions of becoming a crucified, pot-smoking Jesus.  After the cop dies, his brother (Tom Byron) becomes a priest.  Meanwhile, his cousin (Ginger Lynn) makes him break his vows by seducing him and together, they enter into a suicide pact.  She leaves all her money to her best friend (Colleen Brennan), who tries to make it with a cop who may be the reincarnation of the cop from the beginning of the movie (also Cable). 

Confused?  Don’t worry.  The jumps in plotlines and switches in characters (not to mention film stocks from the two separate productions) are often jarring and downright perplexing.  Then again, what do you expect from a cobbled together decades in the making non-porno movie from porno filmmakers?  The nightclub act where the music and the performer’s lips never come close to matching is good for a laugh though. 

Considering everybody’s porn background, I’m not sure why they just didn’t make this a XXX picture.  Not that hardcore action could’ve saved this mess, but it couldn’t have hurt.  It doesn’t help that whenever the filmmakers try to get artsy, they wind up falling flat on their face.  Consider the scene where Cable is dressed as Jesus and banging women.  It’s far from titillating and the artistic aspirations are dubious at best. 

Contrast that with the artsy handling of Barbara, which also appears on The Lost Picture Show box set.  That film was experimental and even though it was uneven, when it hit, it worked.  This is just a self-important mess that really has no idea of the message it’s trying to convey. 

I mean, I’ll watch anything that has Ginger in it, but damn… this was bad.  At least Tobalina is smart enough to know if he has to have a dialogue scene between Ginger and Colleen Brennan, you might as well have them both be topless.  I will say the Ginger scenes are… like… 100% more tolerable than the shit with Cable and the Devil.  However, if you really want to see Ginger and Byron going at it, there are dozens of hardcore movies you could watch instead of the simulated scenes in this piece of crap. 

BARBARA (1970) ** ½

After making love on the beach, Leslie (Nancy Boyle) and Tom (Robert McClane) are sexually assaulted by a peeping tom named Max (Jack Rader).  They kind of like it though, and he asks them to come see him at his place up the beach, which turns out to be a tent.  When Leslie finally works up the courage to go there, she finds he’s already balling a jailbait babe named Barbara (presumably played by herself).  Leslie doesn’t seem to care though as she immediately strips down and bangs Barbara too.  Together, the lovers soon turn into a foursome, but boredom eventually dictates they look “outside their circle” for new sexual experiences. 

Gratuitously avant garde, relentlessly artsy-fartsy, and incoherently experimental, Barbara is… well… something.  It’s an alternately frustrating and fascinating film.  It’s uneven as fuck, but it’s pretty interesting and definitely memorable.

Some moments are very of the time.  Some are ahead of its time.  Some moments made me just say, “Time out!”  There are scenes that are purposefully in your face, almost as if to shatter your expectations and/or chastise you for wanting to watch a dirty movie.  I’m thinking specifically of the gay rape scene.  This probably had the raincoat crowd bolting for the exits back in the day, even with the silly subtitles that accompany the dialogue. 

The black and white cinematography is decent, even if they sometimes go overboard with the filters.  The music runs the gamut of monks chanting to the typical hippie flower power folk rock you’d normally hear in something like this to weird tones played in reverse.  The editing is sometimes unnecessarily arty, but it’s occasionally effective. 

Barbara is a mixed bag to be sure, but its depiction of hippie life is probably closer to what the actual hippie experience was versus the idyllic shit you’re used to seeing in movies and TV.  I mean, most hippies really didn’t go to Woodstock and live in communes.  They were probably more like these characters:  Living in a tent, getting high, and fucking. 

All of this is fine in small doses.  However, how much of it you are willing to take probably will depend on the individual viewer.  It’s one thing to show characters broaching taboo (for the time) subjects as homosexuality, interracial sex, and incest, but once they start bringing in shit like breastfeeding and bestiality, I personally had to pump the brakes.  

I can’t say it works.  I can’t say it’s good.  I can say I admire the brazen spirit of the film, even if I can’t follow it down some of the trails it blazes. 

One thing I can say in its favor:  You never know where it’s going next.  Just when you think you’ve seen it all, out comes a random ass Kung Fu training montage.  It’s not “good” in a traditional sense, but to give it anything less than ** ½ would be a crime. 

YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! (1978) **

Tom (Michael Watkins) is a photographer who has just lost his driver’s license.  He and his wife Jacqui (Lisa Taylor) are looking for an au pair.  They eventually settle on a studly American guy (Steve Amber) who winds up hopping into bed with just about every pretty woman he meets. 

This was the third and final David Hamilton-Grant skin flick that was featured on a bonus disc of the Nightmare 4K UHD release.  Although it was made after The Office Party and Under the Bed! it feels less polished than those other ventures.  The jokes are lame, and the acting is mostly a bust.  (Amber’s American accent is often painful to listen to.)

I was also a little disappointed and confused by the plot.  (Not that the plot is important in these kinds of things but still.)  When I heard the couple was going to hire an au pair, I thought that meant they were getting a sexy babysitter or something.  As it turns out the “au pair” isn’t a nanny, but more of a chauffeur.  To make matters worse it winds up being a dude.  Heck, the couple doesn’t even have any kids to take care of!  Then again, if he wasn’t a chauffeur then I guess the pun in the title wouldn’t work. 

Although it’s easily the weakest of the lot of Hamilton-Grant films in the set, You’re Driving Me Crazy! certainly delivers in the skin department.  Some of the nudity comes courtesy of our main character’s photo shoots with topless models.  (It also helps that they all want to ball Amber too.)  Taylor, who was so memorable in Under the Bed! is a bit muted here, unfortunately.  Still, she looks great au natural.  Suzy Mandel is also fun as a one of Watkins’ models, a British bimbo with a Betty Boop voice.  Pat Astley gets a great skinny-dipping sequence too where she… takes a bath in her swimming pool?!?  Between that and the whole au pair/chauffeur thing, the script feels like it was spat out by AI.  Shit like this won’t drive you crazy, but it may make you scratch your head.

UNDER THE BED! (1977) ** ½

Here’s another softcore sex flick from writer-director David Hamilton-Grant.  It’s basically a sequel to The Office Party.  Remember Sally (Theresa Wood), the gal who was getting married in that movie?  Well, this is her wedding party, except some of the characters and actors have changed.  In fact, an alternate title for the film was “The Wedding Party”, which would’ve helped to keep the party aesthetic going.  (The theme song is even called “The Wedding Party”.)  It’s not a classic of eroticism or anything, but you know you’re going to be in for a good time as soon as the opening credits roll and you see the title card, “And Jayne Lester as The Reluctant Virgin”. 

Under the Bed! follows the same basic framework as its predecessor.  We see characters attending a party, making innuendo, and eventually, various couples sneak off and go have sex.  Heck, before we even get to the party, we get a fun scene where a sexy French maid seduces the milkman.  As in the first film, the plot essentially revolves around Wood being pestered by a horny ex until she finally gives in and balls him. 

While the setting is ideal for something like this (it’s much more open than the claustrophobic office setting of the first movie), the humor isn’t quite as sharp.  The double entendres and repartee are good for a smirk or two, but there aren’t any actual laughs to be had this time around.  Another quibble is that some of the new characters aren’t that much fun (like the mom who is always crying).  Well, except for the Reluctant Virgin, of course. 

While it may fall short of The Office Party, Under the Bed! is still a decent slice of British sex farce hokum.  The ladies in the cast are game, which makes a big difference.  Wood is once again appealing and sheds her wardrobe just as easily as she did in the first movie.  Lisa Taylor is also quite fetching as a catering cutie with a thick Italian accent who gets banged on a boat.  And who could forget the Reluctant Virgin?  Especially during the scene where she predictably loses her stutter once she finally gets taken to pound town. 

AKA:  The Wedding Party.

THE OFFICE PARTY (1976) ***

Remember See You Next Wednesday?  You know, the porno David and Jack were watching in An American Werewolf in London?  Well, I was thinking about that film-within-a-film a lot while watching The Office Party.  It has the same style of flatly filmed softcore scenes mixed with dry humor (although this one is actually kind of funny).  After seeing something like this, you realize what a spot-on recreation that scene was. 

A boss (Alan Lake) and his sexy secretary (Pamela Grafton) are secretly having an affair at the office behind their respective partners’ backs.  A salesgirl named Sally (Theresa Wood) is about to be married, so everyone in the office decides to throw her an after-hours party.  Once the drinks start flowing, the clothes start hitting the floor, and couples go sneaking off for a good shagging. 

From British sexploitation maverick, writer-director David Hamilton-Grant, The Office Party has a decent amount of skin, a handful of respectable laughs, and is less than an hour long.  The setting is fun as the office is a distribution arm for softcore movies.  (The filmmakers probably just filmed the thing in their own office to save money.)  The posters on the wall, both for real and fake movies, are amusing too.  It was fun seeing an ad slick for the Candace Rialson flick Pets (under the title Submission), but my favorite ad was for a film called Frankenstein was a Lesbian!

The sex and nude scenes are somewhat brief, but for something this short, I’d say you get your money’s worth.  The humor works surprisingly well though as some of the banter is genuinely good for a laugh.  I also liked the scene where the staff rode an elevator and imagined their co-workers nude. 

Some may feel shortchanged by the lack of an actual plot.  If you were expecting the plotline with the philandering boss and his cheating secretary to be resolved (either by them being found out by their spouses or running off with one another), forget it.  At fifty-three minutes, this movie doesn’t have time for shit like that.  This is The Office Party and it’s about the office party.  I kind of liked that. 

Hamilton-Grant later landed himself in hot water with the authorities when he released the “Video Nasty” Nightmare in the UK.  (This, along with a few of his other British skin flicks can be found as bonus features on Severin’s 4K UHD release of the film.)