A drunk stumbles into a bar showing off some precious pearls. He brags to the guy next to him and makes the mistake of showing him a map to where he found them. The dude naturally steals the map, but as it turns out, he has a bad heart, so he can’t dive underwater. He then hooks up with a desperate woman to find the pearls, but she is predictably out for herself.
This sounds like a decent plot to a movie. Heck, it even sounds like an actual movie. However, The Hot Pearl Snatch is anything but. I mean, it’s technically a movie as it shot on film, has actors, and is in focus (most of the time). This is a film that blurs the lines between “good” and “bad” and “art” and “crap” as it is as confounding, confusing, and perplexing a nudie as you’re likely ever to see. It is so inept that it manages to be enormously entertaining. It features dubbing that makes a Doris Wishman film look technically proficient, and there are long stretches where the sound drops out entirely. The editing is atrocious too as there are jump cuts in nearly every other scene or moments where scenes end abruptly for no reason whatsoever.
The highlight is the mind-boggling scene where a lesbian painter forces herself on her sexy model. The fact that the actresses keep giggling and wantoning kiss while acting (poorly) like they are fighting one another on a ratty pull-out sofa bed adds to the overall bizarreness. Oh, and once the model is seemingly okay with everything, she consents to body painting!
But wait, there’s more. This movie also contains gratuitous Mardi Gras footage, topless dancing, topless native dancing, topless phone calls, random bondage scenes, interracial lesbians, and the shortest doctor’s appointment in screen history. It really is an action-packed way to spend fifty minutes.
If you can find The Hot Pearl Snatch, snatch it up!
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