SUMMER HORROR DAY (1987) ***

Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead was one of the most influential horror films of all time.  In the ‘80s, you couldn’t turn the corner at the horror section of your local video store without seeing a movie that was inspired by that horror classic.  Many aspiring filmmakers picked up a camera because of Raimi and began making their own no-budget horror flicks in their backyard.  One such director was Martin Nike, who along with his friends made the highly entertaining Raimi homage, Summer Horror Day. 

A young director and his friends are about to make a movie in their backyard when they find an old book in the basement.  They foolishly read the passages out loud and the place is soon overrun by zombies.  The leader is a cool, scary, skull-faced sucker who looks like a cross between the zombie in the “Father’s Day” episode of Creepshow and Angus Scrimm in The Lost Empire.  Will our director be able to stay one step ahead of the zombies and escape his fate?

Summer Horror Day is oozing with DIY charm.  I don’t know if the zombie leader’s mask was made by Nike and his crew or if they found it in a Halloween store, but it is certainly memorable and effective.  Not only that, but the film is also filled to the brim with guts, blood, and slime.  The over the top gore scenes are well done and occur at a rapid pace, so there’s no shortage of no-budget zombie carnage to go around. 

One of the biggest advantages of the film is that it’s only fifty-five minutes long.  Nike was smart to waste no time getting to the good stuff as he dispenses with the set-up in an expedient manner.  One wishes it had built up to a more satisfying climax, but the fact that Nike was able to keep things moving as well as he did for as long as he could is a testament to his no-budget ingenuity.  It’s a shame he didn’t make anything else as he clearly had a promising future as a horror filmmaker judging by the evidence here. 

MUSCLES, MAIDENS, AND MONSTERS (199?) ***

Here’s a fun collection of Italian musclemen and peplum action films from Something Weird. 

It begins with a super cut of title screens from a bunch of Hercules movies.  Everything from The Sons of Hercules series to the Hercules films starring Reg Park to gladiator epics is included.  Then we are treated to several condensed versions of Hercules and/or Hercules adjacent actioners. 

Our first mini-movie is from the awesome Fire Monsters Against the Son of Hercules which features one of the goofiest looking monsters in togaploitation history and sexy slave girl dance numbers.  From there we get a bevy of scenes from other Italian peplum movies.  Terror of Rome Against the Son of Hercules boasts gladiator battles (including one with a guy in an ape suit), Conquerors of Atlantis contains improbable fights with robot men, and The Medusa Against the Son of Hercules offers more silly sea serpents and a title monster that looks like a cross between the aliens in The Green Slime and Sigmund the Sea Monster. 

The compilation hits its stride in the middle section.  It’s here where we get scenes from the hilarious looking Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules.  We see Maciste fishing for a whale before tangling with a bunch of dudes in white cloaks who die if they stay out in the sun too long (he also fights a guy in a monkey suit).  Finally, Maciste is put to the test by an evil queen who forces him to lift massive amounts of weights in what looks like a prehistoric home gym.  She also runs him through what looks to be a human car wash at one point. 

Then it’s on to a slew of Reg Park Hercules movies.  First up is Hercules the Avenger where Herc travels to the underworld and fights zombies to save the woman he loves.  I thought I was having déjà vu from Hercules in the Haunted World, but it turns out the Avenger recycles some of the same footage from that movie, so at least I know I’m not (that) crazy. 

Of course, it makes sense that Haunted World would be the next film on the docket…. And it’s promptly skipped over since all the best stuff has already been shown.  Then it’s on to Hercules and the Captive Women where Park battles a shape-shifting god that turns into (among other things) a lion, a vulture, and a rubbery looking dinosaur man. 

The last half hour is reserved for sword and sandal trailers.  The highlight is the ad for The Tartars, which features Orson Welles in yellowface!

Is Italian peplum my favorite genre?  Not really.  Would I have preferred this to be a straight-up trailer compilation rather than a mix of clips bundled with trailers?  Sure.  Would it have been cool to see a montage of all of Hercules’ feats of strength back-to-back?  You bet.  Having said that, there is still plenty to enjoy here.  It’s breezy fun, and the condescended sword and sandal epics are short enough that they don’t wear out their welcome.  Be warned though:  That damn Sons of Hercules song is a real ear worm.

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Atlas, Seven Slaves Against the World, The Tartars, Hercules Against the Moon Men, The Revenge of the Gladiators, Revenge of the Musketeers, Hercules of the Desert, Samson and the Seven Miracles of the World, The Witch’s Curse, Goliath and the Vampires, Goliath and the Dragon, Hercules in the Haunted World, Hercules Against the Moon Men (again), Giant of Metropolis, and Goliath and the Sins of Babylon. 

PARADISE CITY (2022) ** ½

I’ve been kind of avoiding watching Bruce Willis’ final run of DTV films because it’s a little depressing seeing his slow and sad decline due to aphasia.  However, I didn’t want to pass up an opportunity to see Bruce teamed with his Pulp Fiction co-star, John Travolta one last time.  Add the always reliable Stephen Dorff in the mix, and I’m all over it. 

Bruce plays a bounty hunter who is killed while trying to bring in a criminal.  His son (Blake Jenner) investigates and teams up with Bruce’s former partner (Dorff) to get to the heart of the matter.  Seems a shady businessman (Travolta) is running islanders off their land so he can make a big real estate deal.  Naturally, it’s up to Jenner and Dorff to stop him. 

Director Chuck (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3) Russell (who also helmed Travolta’s I am Wrath) is a step up from your average DTV hack, so this feels more like a theatrical release than some of Bruce’s other recent flicks.  Russell takes advantage of the sunny Maui locations, which also help enhance the production.  The plot and action lands somewhere between been-there-done that and perfectly acceptable, but the cast keep it afloat for the most part. 

Even though Willis and Travolta are all over the poster, it’s Dorff and Jenner who do the majority of the heavy lifting.  Heck, even Dorff is out of commission for a good chunk of the movie.  That means a lot of the film falls on Jenner’s shoulders, and while he is OK, the scenes where he is front and center are easily the weakest in the film.  It was, however, an unexpected pleasure to see DTV vet Branscombe Richmond popping up as a politician. 

Travolta has fun chewing the scenery.  He seems to be embracing his bald era, and he gives the movie a pulse when he’s on screen.  Bruce is doing the best he can under the circumstances, but he definitely seems to be struggling in some scenes.  He did have more screen time than I was expecting, and it’s fun seeing him interact with Travolta, however briefly. 

The plot twists are predictable, but Russell keeps things moving at a decent clip.  There are enough quirky touches here to keep you amused.  For instance, I liked the fact our hero turns to strippers to see what the word on the street is, seeing how bad guys often blab while getting lap dances.  There’s also nice little nod to Face/Off too.  Whether it was intentional or otherwise, I’m not sure. 

To sum up, if you’re reading a review of Paradise City, then you’re probably the kind of person who would watch it.  As recent DTV action flicks go, it’s a hair better than average.  Viewed as one of Bruce’s last films, it likewise trends higher than the rest of the pack.  Fans of Willis and Travolta who know what they’re getting themselves into should be pleased.

THE CONJURING: LAST RITES (2025) ***

The husband-and-wife team of paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) are now retired and trying to devote their time to their family.  They are called out of retirement when a family is tormented by a haunted mirror.  Since Lorraine previously tangled with the cursed object when she was pregnant eighteen years ago, that can only mean one thing:  It wants her daughter Judy (Mia Tomlinson). 

This is supposedly the “final” installment of the series, but I’ll believe it when I see it.  While it certainly feels like the end of the Warrens’ story, I have a feeling they will be able to squeeze more blood from this stone, especially considering this was the series’ biggest box office hit.  I mean, it ends with Ed handing the keys to the franchise to his new son in-law, so I imagine they filmmakers will pull some kind of Next Generation-type shit in the near future. 

Director Michael Chaves has been responsible for some of the worst (The Curse of La Llorona and The Devil Made Me Do It) and best (The Nun 2 and this installment) entries in the series.  While it does have more than its fair share of long scenes where people wander down darkened hallways investigating spooky noises and/or scary whispers, the film contains everything from possessions to ghosts to axe murderers, so it keeps you entertained the whole way through.  We also get a great puking scene, a cool bit with a giant Annabelle doll, and a funny moment where the Warrens are giving a lecture and people keep asking questions about Ghostbusters

Chaves also delivers some solidly executed sequences, such as a girl using a VCR to find the ghost in a home movie or when Judy is trying on a wedding gown in a room full of mirrors.  The scenes with the Warrens and their daughter are well-crafted too and give the film an emotional core the previous sequels lacked.  The moments fleshing out her relationship with her and her fiancé aren’t merely filler but help make us care about them.  Ed and Lorraine’s interactions are endearing too.  That’s partially because Wilson and Farmiga have been together for so long in these movies that you almost feel like you’re watching a real married couple by now. 

Like most Conjuring films, Last Rites runs on too long (well over two hours).  There’s also a scene with some CGI blood that looks hella fakey.  However, the dramatic meat is much stronger in this entry, which makes it a shade better than your average installment.  If Wilson and Farmiga bow out and make way for their daughter to take on the franchise, I’d say this would be a fine moment to do so gracefully.  I wouldn’t fault them for returning though. 

The Conjuring Universe Scorecard: 

The Nun 2:  *** ½ 

The Conjuring:  ***

The Conjuring:  Last Rites:  ***

Annabelle Comes Home:  ***

Annabelle:  Creation:  ** ½ 

The Conjuring 2:  **

The Nun:  **

The Conjuring:  The Devil Made Me Do It:  * ½ 

The Curse of La Llorona:  *

Annabelle:  ½ *

SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (2025) ** ½

The Silent Night, Deadly Night series has been generally fun, even if it's had more than its fair share of ups and downs.  The first remake was more entertaining than your typical rehashes and I honestly thought that was going to be the final word on the franchise.  Lo and behold, here’s another one, and just in time for Christmas, no less. 

This new Silent Night Deadly Night, is kind of a good news, bad news scenario.  For every thing the movie does right, it inevitably makes a misstep.  However, it has enough highlights to appease horror fans.  It’s not the merriest of Christmases to be sure, but no one should walk away feeling like they got coal in their stocking either. 

The framework of the remake is the same as the original.  When Billy (Halloween Ends’ Rohan Campbell) was a kid, he witnessed his parents murdered by a killer Santa Claus.  He then grows up to be a Killer Santa butchering people he deems “naughty”. 

This remake introduces an odd wrinkle into the proceedings.  This Billy is more like a mix of Dexter and Venom.  You see, in the original, he just “punished” those who were “naughty”.  As in, people who fucked.  In this one, he only murders out and out killers while being egged on by the gravelly voiced ghost of the Santa who also killed his parents. 

Those wanting an honest to goodness Killer Santa movie may be disappointed as there’s a lot of extra rigmarole gumming up the works.  That said, when the movie hits the sweet spot of gory carnage and inspired lunacy, it’s fun.  I’m thinking specifically of the over-the-top scene where Billy crashes a Nazi Christmas party (“Here’s to a white power Christmas!”) and hacks up racists with an axe.  It’s fun, silly, and honestly, I don’t think we’ve seen anything quite like it. 

The rest of the movie is a tad frustrating.  The scenes with Billy’s love interest, played by Ruby Modine (who incredibly enough, matches his crazy) isn’t bad, but you can see where their relationship is heading from a mile away.  The stuff with Billy contending with the voice in his head are hit-and-miss too, and the way they try to make him sympathetic doesn’t always work either.  (As fun as the aforementioned Nazi Christmas party is, it seems like much too easy of a way to have you side with Billy.)

The nods to the original series are fun.  (The use of one of the Christmas songs from the first movie got a big smile from me.)  It’s not great, but it’s ultimately no more uneven than the later sequels.  I guess it just comes down to what you want from a Killer Santa movie and/or Silent Night, Deadly Night remake.  If it wasn’t called Silent Night, Deadly Night or had it been a completely original film, I may have really dug it.  However, when you hitch your star to the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise, comparisons are going to be inevitable.  All that being said, this might be the case where I catch it on TV in a few years and, divorced from my expectations, I wind up enjoying it more the second time around. 

THE FANTASTIC FOUR: FIRST STEPS (2025) ***

The superhero team The Fantastic Four are about to welcome a new addition to their family when The Invisible Woman (Vanessa Kirby) finds out she’s pregnant.  The world stops on a dime when the Silver Surfer (Julia Garner) arrives and heralds the coming of Galactus (Ralph Ineson), an evil space entity what wants to devour Earth.  Mr. Fantastic (Pedro Pascal) and the team try to reason with Galactus, who offers them a compromise:  Hand over their unborn child and he’ll spare the planet. 

For a movie with the subtitle “First Steps”, it sure gets off to a shaky start.  Since there’s already been four Fantastic Four films, this new version is keen on not rehashing a lot of the previous versions (although it features the same basic story as Rise of the Silver Surfer) or lingering too long on an origin story (which is wrapped up in a brief 60 Minutes-style TV special at the beginning of the film).  That is a bit of a mixed blessing though as the first act often feels like it’s moving in fast forward.  It would’ve been nice to let things breathe a little bit while we were getting to know these iterations of the characters. 

Once the team’s baby Franklin is introduced, the movie improves.  Thanks to the increased stakes, the film becomes rather engrossing.  Kirby is especially good once her motherly instincts kick in, and her speech to an angry mob lands surprisingly well.  Joseph Quinn is solid as The Human Torch, who is allowed to be kind of smart in this one while still keeping his smartass posture.  Ebon Moss-Bachrach is pretty good too as The Thing, and I liked his scenes with Natasha Lyonne, even if they weren’t fleshed out all that well.  Pascal is fine as Mr. Fantastic.  He captures the egghead side of his personality well enough, but he still feels a bit miscast even if he isn’t necessarily bad in the role. 

Despite some quibbles, there is plenty to enjoy here.  The scene where Sue used her invisibility powers to show Reed their baby growing inside her was surprisingly moving.  I also liked how The Thing called Reed “Stretch”.  The retro futurism of the film might be its biggest selling point.  The fact that it’s set in the ‘60s makes the inventions in the Baxter Building look like something out of those old “Kitchen of Tomorrow” cartoons, and the inclusion of the team’s robot pal H.E.R.B.I.E. was an amusing addition.  Not only does the movie take place in the ‘60s, it’s set in an entirely different Multiverse, which allows it to do its own thing without being tied heavily to the MCU stuff. 

Sure, I could nitpick here and there.  I honestly wasn’t crazy about the new Silver Surfer or the fact that Reed sports a Clark Gable mustache, but that’s mere surface stuff really.  I for one missed the goofy tone and humor of the ‘00s versions, but this is a perfectly acceptable redo. 

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Fantastic Four:  First Steps:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Captain America:  Brave New World:  ***

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Thunderbolts*:  ** ½ 

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

Once again, I had the pleasure of being a guest on Matt’s DTVC Podcast.  The subject was the Debbie Rochon yuletide horror flick, Santa Claws, but naturally I used the opportunity to talk about my favorite Christmas horror classic, Elves!  Give it a listen here:  DTVC Podcast 241, "Santa Claws… - DTVC Podcast - Apple Podcasts